Josh Johnson @JoshJohnson Twitter profile

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

17 days

Hi friends @vulture did a piece on me if you want to read it.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

@AmirTalai I can’t tell if this story is old or just happens every year. I know it could easily be both which makes it so much worse.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

Waffle House has too many fights to not have their own YouTube channel.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

It still doesn’t feel real. Comedy won’t be the same without you and it hurts so much. RIP Jak Knight.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

This is one of the wildest moments and it’s really hard to describe. When I moved to New York I wasn’t even sure I’d make enough money to make a living and now to have a Billboard on Times Square for my first hour special feels more than crazy.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

25 days

Hi Friends! We have the #7 trending video in the world on YouTube right now! I am speechless. You all are so amazing and I am so thankful for all of your support. If you would like to watch my newest set it’s available on my YouTube.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

I’m in an Uber pool and in the span of 20 minutes we’ve: Helped a girl send a breakup text. Told a guy what rescue dog to get. Shared a sandwich. Save money and make friends.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Be nice to everyone in high school. They are all the future customers of your pyramid scheme.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Proud to announce my first hour special #(Hashtag) premieres on @comedycentral June 18th!

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Guys let’s normalize just saying, “I don’t know.” You don’t need to make up an answer just because someone asked you a question.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

This nigga got extra impeached.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Is it just me or when flies land do they rub their hands together like they’re plotting a murder?

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Any leader that wants you to stop counting your own vote doesn’t want to serve you, they want to rule you.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

You’ve come further than you give yourself credit for and I’m proud of you.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

I literally got out dressed by a napkin.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

If Facebook and Instagram don't come back soon I'm going to be left with my own thoughts and nobody wants that.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

If you can’t wear a mask under the best of conditions you definitely don’t have the strength of spirit to survive whatever doomsday you’re prepping for.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

Excited to share this with all of you!

Vulture

@vulture

2 years

. @JoshJohnson talks therapy in the trailer for his new @peacock stand-up special, Up Here Killing Myself, premiering February 17

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Being left on “read” really hit different when you know the whole world quarantined with WiFi.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

It’s breathtakingly ironic that the same white conservatives that are terrified of becoming minorities swear that minorities don’t have it that bad.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Covid has made coughing the new farting.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Does anyone remember your history teacher calling the founding fathers or the patriot soldiers THUGS? When I learned about the Boston Tea Party those guys rioting and looting seemed to go down in history as revolutionary heroes.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Today has definitely been a week.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Today has most certainly been a year.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

Sleeping with comedians isn't all it's cracked up to be.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Hot damn there’s a lot of losers out there obsessed with what a winner does to take care of herself.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Wild how many conservatives believe all the lynchings in Mississippi are suicides from police that didn’t investigate. They’ll listen to anything the police tell them except “don’t storm the capitol.”

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

If you’re a lawyer, and your dad is a lawyer, and your grandpa was a lawyer, then maybe you’re not actually that separate from the circumstances you grew up in and you should just be glad your grandpa wasn’t a drug dealer.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

The 5 stages of viewing an insane post on the internet. Denial “Maybe it’s a parody account.” Anger “No one is that f&$king stupid.” Bargaining “Please be a parody.” Depression “Oh no, it’s real.” Acceptance “I guess stupid is normal”

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

@OklahomaLP @JoJoFromJerz Your argument would make sense if only gun owners could get shot.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Wild that the same people that call checking vaccination cards the new Jim Crow don’t want you to learn all about actual Jim Crow laws in school.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Me and the young Chance! My Shiba savage.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

My dad always used to ask, “Boy do you think I’m made out of money?” And I would reply, “No sir, because if you were made out of money I’d be made out of money and I know for a fact I’m made out of allergies and panic attacks.”

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

1 year

Rich people really got the game on lock. Step 1: Be Rich Step 2: Convince poor people they can be rich. Step 3: Get poor people to argue on your behalf that you shouldn’t be taxed or fined for misdeeds in the hopes that one day when they’re rich they also won’t be taxed or fined

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

“Free thinkers” be like Faked moon landing- “maybe” Flat Earth- “We should look into it” Aliens- “There’s a high likelihood” Systemic Racism- “I’m just not seeing the evidence for that.” In spite of slavery, the black codes, Jim Crow and the southern strategy.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Me: Tell me something. Psychic: You’re not good with money Me: Wow how did you know that? Psychic: You spent money on a psychic.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

8 months

Hi friends. Added some new dates

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

My physical health and my mental health really out here competing for last place.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

If you see this scrolling through Twitter. Remember to love yourself.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

I choked on a sunflower seed, then thought I swallowed it, then randomly started choking on it again. So it’s official, I’m a baby bird.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

In the time it takes you to argue you could listen and understand.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

The heart wants what the heart wants, and clearly my heart wants to stop because it keeps making me order cheese fries.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

They will lynch you and say you hung yourself.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Do you ever wonder if it sucks to be the age you are or if you just suck being the age you are?

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

“I’m not mad I’m just disappointed” is the finishing move in parental mortal combat.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Me: Not gonna touch my face. Not gonna touch my face. Not gonna touch my face. Eyelash in my eye: Oh we’ll see about that bitch.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

There’s only one you. Please take care of yourself.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

If cops treated an active shooter like they treat peaceful protesters the situation would have been stopped in no time.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Black people just want white people to love us as much as they love pumpkin spice.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

Who needs enemies when you have crippling paranoia your friends are mad at you.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Introverts under quarantine: I’ve been prepping for this shit my whole life.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Some of y’all out here being hateful and even God said happy pride.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

Special drops 2/17 on @peacock Tomorrow! Thanks for all the love.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

Just so we all see it.

Peter Morley

@morethanmySLE

2 years

Louisiana U.S. Senator Cassidy: "Our Maternal Death Rates Are Only Bad If You Count Black Women" This man is ALSO a doctor. DISGUSTING & SHAMEFUL!

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

So far in quarantine I’ve: Stubbed my toe. Walked into a door. Opened the freezer for it to drop something on my foot. Hit my head on a cabinet Slipped in the shower. I don’t know what I’m more scared of, the virus or my apartment.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

Some of y’all grew up in a healthy environment with loving parents and it shows.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Now if only we could all get tested.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

4 years

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

And after a day of reprieve 2020 is back to being 2020.

Jeopardy!

@Jeopardy

4 years

Jeopardy! is saddened to share that Alex Trebek passed away peacefully at home early this morning, surrounded by family and friends. Thank you, Alex.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

I really hope you all know how much I cherish you.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

Everything I make is for people who feel like they don’t belong

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

When is Axe body spray going to come out with some honest scents? Scents like: “Borrow money he won’t pay back” “Stay at home son” “Hater” “Player” “Drunk”

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

People will try to convince you you’re a failure if you didn’t achieve all your dreams before you graduate 6th grade. Be patient and love your work. You’ll get there. There’s plenty of life left to live.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

Me in 2016: This is my year. Me in 2017: No this one. Me in 2018: No this one. Me in 2019: Whatever. Anybody want to go get Thai food?

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

I like this new feature where Twitter shows you the views. You can really tell how many people don’t give a damn about what you say.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

1 year

We’re nominated for a webby! Vote for @dulcesloan and me below ⬇️

The Daily Show

@TheDailyShow

1 year

We're nominated for Best Comedy Podcast (Hold Up with @DulceSloan and @JoshJohnson )! #Webbys Vote:

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Does ignoring, silencing, or diminishing the hardships people go through make you happy or something? I’m genuinely asking what people get out of pretending other people’s problems don’t exist.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

You really need to ask yourself how in the world it is possible that all these ”bad apple” cops are being caught on camera and if you really believe from the bottom of your heart that more aren’t being caught at all.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Nothing gives life greater perspective than slipping in the shower.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Air pollution is down. Littering is down. Animals are roaming without fear. This lockdown makes us look like Mother Nature’s toxic ex she needed to get away from to finally be herself.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Everything is bigger in Texas including the fuck ups.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

SVU! As long as we’re just shouting the names of TV shows and other dumb shit.

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

4 years

LAW & ORDER!

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

I just had cold brew for the first time... this is drugs y’all.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

Sometimes I wish corporations actually were people that way I’d at least have a chance at making them as miserable as they make people.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Throwback to some old jokes. Enjoy and share if you think a friend will like.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

If you dance like this at my holiday party you better be on drugs.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

1 year

It’s Barbie’s world, we’re just living in it. Check out the full set:

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

Internet really bringing people together in the weirdest ways. If you told me at the beginning of this year Elon Musk, Andrew Tate, and Greta Thunberg would all be connected somehow I wouldn’t have believed you.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Right now life feels like that season of your favorite show with that extra episode nobody needed.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Tonight!!

Comedy Central Stand-Up

@standup

3 years

When you finally have free time, but you don’t do anything with it... @JoshJohnson Watch Trevor Noah Presents: Josh Johnson #(Hashtag) on June 18 at 11PM on @ComedyCentral .

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

5 years

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” - my friend trying to get me to drink

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

I don’t know why I keep thinking rest is all I need to look like Idris Elba.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Tell somebody you love them. I guarantee they need to hear it.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Me: Wow I haven’t been anxious in awhile. My anxiety: Yeah, even I needed a break from your fidgety ass.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

1 year

full set here

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

2 years

Anyone still saying, “it’s not a gun problem it’s a mental health problem.” Might just have a mental health problem.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Saw a guy order a cinnamon raisin bagel with lox, cream cheese, bacon, egg, and Nutella. My man you can just say, “I’m a serial killer.”

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

Not saying my friend can’t cook but a piece of their spaghetti just stabbed me in the cheek.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

I brought a sandwich to the club and everyone collectively stared until I left. No one touched me. Shame was the bouncer.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

A guy just jumped over someone to dunk on the basketball court right as I spilled hot tea in my own lap. He and I are operating at opposite ends of the cool guy spectrum.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

I'm not crazy, you're crazy.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Can we get someone to hand out “I waited” stickers?

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

I’m not saying my cousin’s cooking is nasty, I’m just saying my mouth doesn’t speak that language.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

3 years

As a kid I would trip and fall and it would ruin the next ten minutes. As an adult I trip and fall and I immediately need a day off.

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Josh Johnson

@JoshJohnson

4 years

Remember these guys when people talk about how protestors destroyed property. Seems these fragile bros could learn a thing or two about peaceful protest, respecting property, and history.