Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Me: Maybe AI can do my job, but it will never be able to do it with my unique personality and sense of humor.
AI: Are you guys working hard, or hardly working? Whoa, I must have missed the memo about this being blue shirt day.
Me: Oh crap.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
It’s OK to eat junk food in the car on road trips because calories don’t count at highway speed. I don’t have time to explain the science behind this, but it’s sound.
1990: The internet will put all of human knowledge at our fingertips, ushering in a new age of enlightenment.
Now: People have stopped vaccinating their kids, think the Earth is flat, and are falling into the Grand Canyon while taking selfies for Instagram.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Thank you for calling customer service. Please listen carefully to the following 27 options, none of which will be even remotely related to the reason for your call.
I cried because I had no shoes. Then I had shoes but I cried because they hurt my feet. Now I have comfortable shoes but I’m still crying. Actually, maybe this was never about footwear.
I watched my girlfriend use a disinfectant wipe to disinfect a package of disinfectant wipes and I think she may have created a rift in the space-time continuum.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“It’s a pity that letter writing is a dying art,” I wrote to a friend.
Well, I texted it.
Actually I just sent emojis of an envelope, a pen, a skull, and a sad face.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?