John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets Twitter profile

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John Lyon

13 days

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

5 years

Welcome to Twitter. A person who does not understand humor will contact you shortly.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

9 years

Tips for improving concentration: -Make a list of tasks. -Take on one task at a time. -Take On Me was a fun song. -Ooh I found the video.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

2 months

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

I have never related to anyone more.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

4 months

Me: Maybe AI can do my job, but it will never be able to do it with my unique personality and sense of humor. AI: Are you guys working hard, or hardly working? Whoa, I must have missed the memo about this being blue shirt day. Me: Oh crap.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

11 years

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

9 years

Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

11 years

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed. Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

10 years

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat* Try and spy on me now! *ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser* SON OF A

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

8 years

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic? Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party. Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

2 years

It’s OK to eat junk food in the car on road trips because calories don’t count at highway speed. I don’t have time to explain the science behind this, but it’s sound.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

10 years

Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

Some people confuse vasectomy with castration but there’s a vas deferens between them.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

5 years

1990: The internet will put all of human knowledge at our fingertips, ushering in a new age of enlightenment. Now: People have stopped vaccinating their kids, think the Earth is flat, and are falling into the Grand Canyon while taking selfies for Instagram.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world. Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy. Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth. *others back away*

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

4 months

Afterschool Specials led me to believe I would be offered more free drugs.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

I’m paying respects to my late father today by switching off the light each time I leave a room. It’s what he would have wanted.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

I saved $200 on Valentine’s Day by being unlovable.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

12 years

I can’t enjoy movie car chases. That fruit stand was some guy’s livelihood, man.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

4 years

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

10 years

If a woman looks sad, tell her "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 months

Thank you for calling customer service. Please listen carefully to the following 27 options, none of which will be even remotely related to the reason for your call.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

I cried because I had no shoes. Then I had shoes but I cried because they hurt my feet. Now I have comfortable shoes but I’m still crying. Actually, maybe this was never about footwear.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

8 years

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

12 years

I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

8 years

We live on a 4.5 billion-year-old rock that's traveling 67,000 mph through space but I'm sure your latte is "the most amazing thing ever."

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife? Me: She’s my current wife. Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

8 years

I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

4 years

I watched my girlfriend use a disinfectant wipe to disinfect a package of disinfectant wipes and I think she may have created a rift in the space-time continuum.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

2 months

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”? Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

10 years

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

5 months

Me: Why were my tests so expensive? Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art. Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor? Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

10 years

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me. *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes* Well that sucked.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

Magic mushrooms my ass. I ate some and nothing magical happened for the entire 2,000 years I spent living on a rainbow and herding unicorns.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

12 years

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

3 years

Ad: Buy junk food. Me: OK. Ad: Buy alcohol. Me: OK. Ad: Work out. Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Welcome to middle age. You now fight for your right to leave the party at a reasonable hour so you can get a decent night’s sleep.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

29 days

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Date: Do you ever get lonely? Me: No, I like living alone. Monster under my bed: Wow I’m like right here.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

*watches Beauty and the Beast* *looks at dirty dishes in sink* WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

9 months

Am I being too obvious if I show up for Thanksgiving dinner carrying empty Tupperware and a box of Ziploc bags?

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

12 years

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

12 years

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

11 years

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified? Tomato: No.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

5 months

Ben Affleck: Can I see the zoo you bought? Matt Damon: For the hundredth time, I didn’t buy a zoo. That was just a movie. Ben Affleck: You’re mean.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

5 years

I just want to be rich enough to threaten to cut people out of my will.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

12 years

It must be tough to get people to read your emails if you really are a Nigerian prince.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

2 years

*sends Elon Musk $8 in Kohl’s cash*

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

2 years

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it's cute but when I do it I'm "in need of an intervention"?

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

4 years

Email: You are invited to a virtual— Me: Nope.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

3 years

“Oh, I get it now,” I say when I don’t get it but I want the interaction to end.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

“It’s a pity that letter writing is a dying art,” I wrote to a friend. Well, I texted it. Actually I just sent emojis of an envelope, a pen, a skull, and a sad face.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol? Me: They're my dependencies. IRS: It's "dependents." Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

2 years

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me. “Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

4 years

It’s funny how all your life goals can get downgraded to just staying alive.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

We have 57 million customers. Your call is insignificant to us. Here's some pan flute. -honest hold message

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

8 years

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 months

BREAKING NEWS: Photos reveal shockingly inhumane living conditions for Santa’s helpers.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

9 years

Don't regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

12 years

2nd rule of Fight Club: If you bring a dish to share, put your name on it so you’ll be sure to get it back. Thanks and enjoy the fighting!

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

Her: You're an insensitive jerk. Me: Her: You only think about yourself. Me: Her: And your tweets aren't funny. Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

3 years

People who are nostalgic for the 80s have obviously forgotten how much Phil Collins we had to listen to.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

5 years

Fruity Pebbles is my favorite cereal that could easily be mistaken for aquarium gravel.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

10 years

My bank's website is one letter off from a gross German porn site and it's annoying because I keep accidentally visiting my bank's website.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

5 years

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

8 years

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you've killed some people.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

4 years

People spreading bizarre conspiracy theories: Are actual current events not bizarre enough to please you?

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs* *posts photo of me washing dishes* *gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Me: I’ll have a small drink. Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium. Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

8 years

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time? Me: Wow, they weren't kidding about that permanent record thing.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

In my day we didn't take naked pictures of ourselves with our phones. We used the office copier to photocopy our butts like God intended.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Paramedic: What happened? Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me. Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

9 years

*approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 months

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

10 years

Why aren't there more Christmas songs about revenge?

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

3 years

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that. My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

11 months

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why. Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

9 years

Thanks for telling me this is your "pet cat" because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

11 years

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

4 years

All I’m saying is, the house doesn’t fill up with annoying fruit flies when I buy donuts.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

7 years

Call me a hoarder all you want, but there's over 700 hours of free AOL on these discs.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Adding a leftover Taco Bell hot sauce packet to instant ramen really brings out the taste of this poverty.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

Welcome to adulthood. You watch television shows about people buying houses now.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

6 years

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

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John Lyon

@JohnLyonTweets

10 years

There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

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