The Card @JaggedAuthor Twitter profile | Pikagi

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The Card

@JaggedAuthor

1,620

Followers

2,317

Following

6,489

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35,190

Statuses

Creator of a depressing comic strip. Liver of a depressing life. Writer of depressing bios.

Joined June 2010

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@JaggedAuthor

The Card

1 year

My mom's memorial service is today - exactly two weeks after she suffered a sudden cardiac episode that ultimately proved fatal. If there are people you care about, never pass up a chance to tell them. There may not be as many opportunities to do so as you think.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

Well, allergy pill, the important thing is that you tried.

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@JaggedAuthor

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5 months

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding* Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 month

Survive the apocalypse? I'm barely surviving whatever the fuck this is.

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3 months

I am far too mentally ill to be this unpopular on social media.

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@JaggedAuthor

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5 years

Gotham (2014) Pennyworth (2019) Guy Who Owned the Gas Station That Bruce Wayne's Grandfather Would Sometimes Go To (2024)

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 years

In the latest episode of Doom Patrol, Larry (a.k.a. Negative Man) casually mentions that he recently went to Costco, and my first thought was "WHY WASN'T THAT AN EPISODE?!"

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@JaggedAuthor

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5 months

If Elmo sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of mental illness.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 years

I hate that when people talk about The Sopranos, no one ever mentions that Paulie made the most succinct, rational, well-reasoned argument for handwashing in television history.

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@JaggedAuthor

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10 months

Multitask? I can't even task.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

@TheNostalgicCo I’m slightly more frustrated by its ineffectiveness than this tweet lets on.

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@JaggedAuthor

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10 months

@Cooperstreaming For real? I guess that would explain why she has an even smaller cat as a pet.

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@JaggedAuthor

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11 months

I'm old enough to remember being envious of Quinn Morgendorffer for having her own laptop and being adept at website creation in 1998.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

I get impostor syndrome whenever I’m in the presence of functional human beings.

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@JaggedAuthor

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4 months

Unless you're a large account, posting a tweet has become the digital equivalent of throwing a bottled message into the Pacific Ocean.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

This is 40 - which, if my current energy levels are any indication, is the new 297.

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@JaggedAuthor

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10 months

The fact that no one has dubbed the diarrhea plane story "SKYarrhea" is an utter indictment of our news media.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 years

The unmasked man ahead of me in line for a booster shot claimed that his wife had active COVID but that he personally felt fine… before proceeding to launch into a coughing fit without covering his mouth. If I’d had any faith in humanity, this pandemic would have killed it.

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@JaggedAuthor

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23 days

Happy birthday, Mom. It’s the second one you’re not here for, and every time I go to sleep, I hope that I’ll wake up in a world in which you still exist.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

My mom took me to see the '93 Super Mario Bros. movie on opening night, and I remember walking away entertained. As an adaptation of the source material, it's not great, but taken on its own, I think it's a reasonably fun sci-fi/adventure flick.

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@JaggedAuthor

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7 months

Peanuts led me to believe that clinical depression would involve more football-based comedy.

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4 months

Waffle HOUSE? Bro, I'm a millennial. Best I can do is Waffle Studio Apartment That's Still Somehow Unaffordable.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

Did he drink his own milkshake?

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 months

Forgetting literally everything that’s ever happened to me would fix me.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

I'd say chronic stress is destroying my life, but I'd hate to overlook the contributions from ever-present anxiety, continuous grief, and despondent depression.

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@JaggedAuthor

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8 months

"Please don't be a porn bot, please don't be a porn bot, please don't be a-- Fuck." - Me, seeing that one of my tweets garnered a like

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 years

New comic! If I have to feel this way, it's only fair that the unlikable cartoon character I draw every day does, too.

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@JaggedAuthor

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4 months

This isn’t even the type of depression that facilitates solid tweets.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

"The world just wasn't ready," I whisper as I casually delete several tweets that performed well below expectations.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

Happy Mother's Day to the mom I miss every day and without whom I barely want to exist.

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@JaggedAuthor

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8 months

"I've gone mad with power," I whisper as I stealthily unfollow someone who hurt my feelings.

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@JaggedAuthor

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7 years

Freddy ended an episode of his short-lived TV series by musing, "Drugs... there's a real nightmare." Dude, you've murdered children.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

When someone cool tweets the same joke or observation as you and gets a billion likes.

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24 days

I would consider it a favor if everything could stop sucking in perpetuity.

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@JaggedAuthor

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4 months

Me: *feels very alone* Also me: *isolates like a mofo*

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 years

@natasharoyy Damn. I had essentially the same experience yesterday.

@JaggedAuthor

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2 years

The unmasked man ahead of me in line for a booster shot claimed that his wife had active COVID but that he personally felt fine… before proceeding to launch into a coughing fit without covering his mouth. If I’d had any faith in humanity, this pandemic would have killed it.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

The light at the end of the tunnel was probably just painted on by Wile E. Coyote.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

Turning 39 today, meaning I am now officially as old as Homer Simpson. For context, when the show began, I was younger than every character but Maggie.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

@IntrovertProbss @candice_counsel The last time I was forced to do this (at an event for a former employer), it felt like the entire room laughed at me, thereby validating my social anxiety.

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@JaggedAuthor

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4 months

Do NOT - and I cannot stress this enough - erase the fabric of time.

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@JaggedAuthor

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7 months

My life is in a constant state of (acid re)flux.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

Name a cartoon that only you remember. The Pink Panther - but the one from the early ‘90s in which P.P. actually spoke and was voiced by the guy who played Max Headroom.

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@fluffyman85

Brian K Myers

1 year

Say a cartoon that only you remember Mr. Bogus

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

My depression is both manic *and* paralyzing, which has to be the least practical mutant power ever.

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@JaggedAuthor

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8 months

Head & Shoulders should have a corresponding body wash called "Everywhere Else."

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@JaggedAuthor

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5 years

"Ever see Lethal Weapon?" "Yeah, I'm a die-hard fan." "Being a Die Hard fan is fine, but I'm asking about Lethal Weapon." "And I told you I'm a die-hard fan." "How does this preclude you from discussing other action franchises?!" Abbott and Costello Meet Mel Gibson (2015)

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 months

A whole CAN of whoop-ass? In THIS economy?!

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@JaggedAuthor

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4 years

Turns out Beavis was actually a paragon of pandemic preparedness.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

Me admiring my own dumb-ass tweets.

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 months

When a tweet is deleted right after you've typed out the perfect response.

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@JaggedAuthor

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15 days

Simply amazing to me that anyone trusts anyone.

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@JaggedAuthor

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4 months

Me: I don’t feel good about myself. Also me: *opens the app that obliterated my self-esteem*

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

Perhaps my allergy pill misunderstood the assignment.

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@JaggedAuthor

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4 months

Me after successfully changing the nib on my drawing stylus.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

Few things depress me more than thinking about how much of my life has been stolen by OCD.

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@JaggedAuthor

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11 months

Those UFO hearings were pretty dull until they rolled out that special witness.

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 months

Person: Shit happens. Person with chronic constipation: Let’s see your research.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 years

I'm finally trending!

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

Not a huge fan of my brain.

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@JaggedAuthor

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5 months

It’s so cold that my glasses *literally* froze to my face. This… is a new one.

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@JaggedAuthor

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6 months

To call 2023 a difficult year would be an understatement, but I am immensely grateful for all the friends I’ve made on this platform, as well as all the kindness I’ve been shown throughout an immensely trying time. Hope all of you have an amazing year.

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@JaggedAuthor

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7 years

Had @RiffTrax Rollergator on while the maintenance guy was inspecting my sink yesterday. The periodic looks of befuddlement were priceless.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

I'm finally trending!

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

Thinking about taking a sabbatical from reality.

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@JaggedAuthor

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8 years

I thought my cat might be hiding Christmas presents behind the toilet, but it was just puke. And not even the kind I asked for.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

Based on the synopsis, the forthcoming season premiere of Futurama will be the most relatable piece of media I ever consume.

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 months

Some of the funniest, most talented people are constantly crying on the inside. Also me.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

The reason it took a Beetlejuice sequel so long to materialize is that it's very difficult to avoid saying his name three times when pitching such a project.

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@JaggedAuthor

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7 months

I just muttered, “I hate my life” three times while looking in a mirror, and I’m hoping I didn’t accidentally summon Emo Candyman.

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@JaggedAuthor

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8 months

I dunno. It just seems supremely unfair that I’m expected to exist in a world that doesn’t have my mom.

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@JaggedAuthor

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4 months

Why try to find a needle in a haystack when you can try finding a tweet from someone you follow on your timeline?

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

Happiest of birthdays to my amazing mother, who would have been 71 today. She is missed every second of every day, and I don't think I will ever feel whole without her.

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 years

Sure, I rarely remember my dreams, but I make up for it by spending 100% of my waking hours daydreaming.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 years

Me after posting one of my comics on Twitter.

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7 months

First Thanksgiving without my mom has me wishing I was cool enough for substance abuse.

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 months

@sophpen Unfortunately, “Scent of a Woman” is already taken.

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@JaggedAuthor

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8 months

I’m apparently “hurt my back with a sneeze” years old.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

I feel like I could eliminate 99% of my stress by simply abandoning any expectation that good things will ever happen to me again.

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9 months

I'm sorry. Has this entire YEAR not been Friday the 13th?

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 months

Netflix and endlessly stress over things completely outside of my control?

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

When you’re so depressed, you can’t even finish composing a tweet about how depressed you a

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 months

I’m turning 40 in just over a week, but fortunately, I’m too depressed about everything else to devote sufficient depression to getting older.

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@JaggedAuthor

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8 months

Not to brag, but I’m only capable of sleeping when I need to be functional and only capable of being functional when I need to be asleep.

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@JaggedAuthor

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5 years

"I want to watch That '70s Show." "Which '70s show? Charlie's Angels?" "No! That '70s Show." "The Incredible Hulk? The Bionic Woman?" "I'm saying I want to watch THAT '70S SHOW." "And I'M saying I'm not a mind reader!" - Abbott and Costello Watch Basic Cable (2015)

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5 months

So weird that some people define themselves by their hobbies instead of their mental illnesses.

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7 months

“This is not my day.” - Me, literally every day

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6 months

"Unprocessed trauma" sounds so artisanal.

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@JaggedAuthor

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4 years

Sure, caffeine is great, but have you tried chronic anxiety?

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2 months

Being priced out of reality sucks.

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@JaggedAuthor

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7 months

Why would you watch any other version of A Christmas Carol when this exists? Seriously asking.

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4 months

Isolating myself from it.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

Me reading any email that isn't a package shipment confirmation.

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@JaggedAuthor

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6 months

Getting pretty tired of every day on the bird app feeling like a game of “Shadowbanned, Broken Site, or Everyone Now Hates Me?”

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@JaggedAuthor

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7 months

Managed to only die on the inside.

@thesadsms

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7 months

please brag about something you did in 2023 .

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@JaggedAuthor

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3 months

How do I lose my mind *just* enough to facilitate the appearance of an in-your-face, catchphrase-spouting imaginary friend?

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 years

I need to take a mental health decade.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

The first image that popped into my head when I saw "Trump Bucks" trending.

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@JaggedAuthor

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1 year

Never am I less funny than when replying to social media posts from people who actually are funny.

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@JaggedAuthor

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2 months

Unincorporated Suburb of the Planet of the Apes

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@JaggedAuthor

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5 years

Reporter: Crypt Keeper, you're a world-famous horror icon who's amassed a vast fortune and achieved incredible notoriety. Would it be fair to say you're living the SCREAM? Crypt Keeper: Get the fuck out of my house.

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2 months

Thinking of ingenious ways to get revenge on my brain.

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