Heatherhere 👽 @Heatinblack Twitter profile

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

4 years

Goat Big Or Goat Home

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

7 months

*after 12 days of Christmas* True love: what are we having for dinner? True love's partner, staring at 183 gifted birds: take a guess, genius

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 months

There are really only two seasons: soup salad

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

4 months

Fridge ice dispenser- when you want some ice in your cup but also some on the floor

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Me: *eating cake at work for Judy’s going away party* which one is Judy

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

11 days

Birds really out here looking for dates at 4 in the AM. It’s like bird Tinder outside my window every morning

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

4 months

Whoever said “money can’t buy happiness” knew nothing about money or happiness

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Yeah I hid your fking eggs

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Why isn’t there a brand of dog treats with flavors like arm of couch, old shoe and goose poop? My dog would be thrilled

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 months

Who called them OJ conspiracies and not Pulp Fiction

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Every morning before work, weighing the pros and cons of going to work vs a life of crime

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I get it Netflix. I too interrupt people to ask them if they’re still interested

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I accidentally used my husband’s body wash and now I get in my own way in the kitchen

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

McDonald’s is like shower sex. It looks good on tv but you always regret doing it

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Damn, catfished again

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Can’t wait for the next season of Meownton Tabby

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

The greatest trick nature ever played was giving a woman in her 40s the sex drive of a guy in his 20s

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

4 years

The 80s, the decade that asks if you want more saxophone and gives it to you regardless of the answer

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

1 month

Me: *lying face down on the bed in my underwear* Husband: you look like a centerfold for depression magazine

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I wonder if ground control still thinks about major Tom

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I’m “bandaids come in a metal box” years old

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

I think the downfall of society happened when we stopped building cities on rock and roll

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

happy wife, happy life happy husband..... nothing rhymes with husband. sorry guys

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Me having fun at a party

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Husband: *choking on water* My dog: let me bring you a toy about it

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 months

Teardrop tattoos but for bags of Doritos I’ve killed

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Sunday should be 48 hours long

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

So disappointed. I got a dog and he doesn’t even talk like Scooby Doo

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

When you’re high af and bitcoin starts to make sense

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Eyelashes protect the eye from debris, but why is it that 99% of the time the debris is an eyelash

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Superhero landing

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

If I could have a minute of your time, I’d like to talk to you about our lord and savior garbage man Steve

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

🎶 Ground Control to Meow’jor Tom🎶

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

My husband and I have been watching true crime together. When an episode ends, we just stare at each other, slowly backing out of the room from different exits

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

*doing squats in the waiting room of the doctor’s office* Hold on, don’t weigh me yet

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

1 year

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed? Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Why is it called drinking at work and not ‘shots; fired’

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Earth reviews ⭐☆☆☆☆ "The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit” ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ "They do amazing things with potatoes"

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I don’t necessarily want “house in the Hamptons” money, just “don’t have to shop at Walmart” money

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Life hack: save time peeling beets by throwing them in the trash

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

1 year

Anybody else run out of small talk after “fine, how are you?”

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Every birthday in my 40s

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

[at a party] host: make yourself at home me: *takes off bra and naps on the couch*

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

When salt doesn’t work

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

My milkshake shall bring many lads to the garden

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I just want to lose enough weight that I don’t pass out from suffocating on a fat roll while trying to clip my toenails

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

One of the hallmarks of adulthood is having an assortment of fast food napkins in the glove box of your car

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

6 months

I'd like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

“this is gonna hurt me more than it’ll hurt you” I cry as I take away my kids’ electronics

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

A group of hippopotamuses is called a bloat. I think I’ve found my people

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

We all have “hope in humanity” until we’re stuck behind someone going 48 mph in a 55

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

“Work smarter not harder” I say as I strap my Fitbit to my puppy’s collar

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

When my kids start complaining I chug the last capri sun right in front of them

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Me before work, saying goodbye to my leftovers knowing my teenage son will get home before I do

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

6 months

Me at 3am: *trying to fall back to sleep* My body: you’re not the boss of me

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Middle age has me asking the big questions like: What caused this heartburn? Why is 9:30 so late? Why did I come into this room?

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Can’t have ketchup without mustard. They’re codependiments

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

5 months

“I have a date with destiny” Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

50 seems young if you’re 48

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Back from otterspace, Harold tries to impress his friends with his new skills

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

6 months

Britain, where everything is pudding except pudding, which is custard

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Where I’m at

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

*at the gym* T-Rex: well I guess I’ll do some more squats

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

“Not my first rodeo” I drunkenly mumble after being thrown from a mechanical bull for the third time

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Behold: the Clydesdale of chickens

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

10 months

EAT-T

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

🎶The sneeze bone’s connected to the bladder bone🎶

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

A man is never more concerned with respecting boundaries than when he’s mowing along his property line

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I wonder what Amish do for romance considering all their dinners are by candlelight

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Kids in the bathtub be like

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Trying to dig myself out of my seasonal depression

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

If you don’t end a laughing spell with a barking, unruly cough are you even over 40

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Looking in the mirror at the gym, I reflect on my doughy physique and poor life decisions and realize I need to find a gym without mirrors

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

My superpower is confidently answering questions not directed at me

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Let's throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it -yard sale

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Establish dominance at Starbucks by ordering a large plain coffee

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Genevieve had a weakness for guys in bands

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

20s: takes highway to the danger zone 40s: takes hallway to the easy chair

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

When produce is a little too fresh

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Why go to the gym when I have weights at home I can ignore

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Raisins are the Nickelback of the dried fruit world

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

My fitness plan is parking 1 1/2 miles away rather than trying to parallel park

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

When I wear high heels every move is parkour

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Me launching a tweet

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Me heading into to 2023 like

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing *unwraps Babybel*

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

One day you’re young then suddenly you’re buying everything 3 sizes too big “for comfort”

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

He was an ass man

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I’m pretty sure churros taste as good as skinny feels

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

I talk a lot of shit for someone who panics when she has to enter her zip code at the gas pump

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

1 year

He was rare, like a box of hard taco shells purchased completely intact

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

4 years

Fun fact: If Santa see his shadow there’ll be six more weeks of 2020

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

3 years

Being middle aged is all about ignoring minor pain because it, “most likely won’t lead to death”

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Heatherhere 👽

@Heatinblack

2 years

Welcome to your 40s where healthy foods hurt you as much as junky foods do

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