To celebrate a million dollar deal, Howard Schultz gave me some loose tea bags and a five dollar gift card.
I will not be voting for Howard Schultz for President, and I invite all of you to join me.
My daughter decided to do her first lemonade stand today: on New Year’s Eve. My wife was her first customer, and when no one else came, dressed in disguise to be her second customer, too.
Everyone’s listing what they’re proud of this decade, and for me, it’s these two weirdos.
Howard Schultz is in the news, so here's my only Howard Schultz story. Back when I used to work in movie marketing we did a million dollar deal to advertise one of our films in every Starbucks location. It was a big initiative for Schultz, so he flew down to LA for the meeting.
Bill Maher complaining about writers wanting special treatment is a great opportunity to remind everyone about the time I went to Maroon 5’s Halloween party and Maher was screaming at the bouncer because they didn’t have a special line for celebrities.
Also they did have one.
Bill Maher wants to acknowledge the "big other side" of the writer's strike, and while he says they're getting "screwed a little bit by the streamers", a lot of their demands are "kooky".
"They kinda believe that you're owed a living as a writer, and you're not".
I guess it comes down to who you think is smarter: Obama and the governments of China, France, Germany, and the UK... or the guy who bragged about successfully identifying a camel on a dementia test.
“Federal Judge throws out Stormy Danials lawsuit versus Trump. Trump is entitled to full legal fees.”
@FoxNews
Great, now I can go after Horseface and her 3rd rate lawyer in the Great State of Texas. She will confirm the letter she signed! She knows nothing about me, a total con!
AIDE 1: How do we make the moron happy today?
AIDE 2: This is probably too stupid, but what if we told him he set the presidential record for most years since 9/11?
TRUMP:
I ordered a triple venti soy latte. I slid the magnificent card to the barista and waited for his reaction. I'll never forget his words: "You still owe fifteen cents."
.
@Twitter
how about a compromise... you give everybody ONE 280 character a day? 140 was an art form, 280 is everyone’s chance to write their Gettysburg Address that no one wants to actually read.
Sure I masturbate in front of women and then ruin their careers to protect myself, but at least I'm not doing any of that millennial crap, like surviving a mass shooting. Wait, where's everyone going? I still have an hour about avocado toast--
@MaxBoot
@PostOpinions
Imagine if your whole job was to understand politics and politicians and you couldn’t tell the substantive difference between Ocasio-Cortez and Sarah fucking Palin. Imagine sucking that much at your job.
@KingJames
Thank you for speaking out on behalf of all the oppressed millionaires who were slightly inconvenienced by those selfish jerks demonstrating for their basic human freedoms.
Every time conservatives try to imagine a nightmare scenario it ends up being awesome. It’s like if Einstein tried to do an impression of a stupid person but accidentally came up with the theory of relativity.
Bill Maher, who loves to remind us he's one of the writers of his show, will obviously be thinking up questions to ask his panel of guests.
This is writing.
Bill Maher is a scab.
The only surprise is that it took him this long.
New Rule: Never let this scab live this down.
Real Time is coming back, unfortunately, sans writers or writing. It has been five months, and it is time to bring people back to work. The writers have important issues that I sympathize with, and hope they are addressed to their satisfaction, but they are not the only people
One thing we don’t talk about enough, because it’s not unifying or whatever, is that all the people who like trump are just the dumbest fucks in the entire world. Look at all these bobblehead morons hooting because they heard one of the bad words.
The next day I took it into Starbucks. I wondered if the barista had ever seen one in person. I imagined he might have to call his manager over, and his eyes would go wide, and they'd whisper about me in hushed tones, while the rest of the employees gathered around to gawk at it.
I'm Jewish.
I have a deep love for the Israeli people.
But I am terrified of what their government might unleash tomorrow.
And I'm disgusted that ours is all but cheering it on.
An unspeakable atrocity was committed. But that can never justify the slaughter of innocents.
The Israeli military warned the United Nations that more than a million people in northern Gaza should evacuate south within 24 hours, a move that the U.N. considers impossible “without devastating humanitarian consequences." Follow our live updates.
@Process180
@Travistritt
@brendaslynn
@JackDaniels_US
I'm going to tell you something that is going to rock your world. People who accept other people and aren't terrified of anyone different from them, aren't actually a very small part of the population, they are the majority. Bigots, thankfully, are the small and shrinking part.
A Starbucks gift card, unlike any I had ever seen. Covered in shiny foil, this thing caught the light from every angle. It was beautiful. I was sure it was a lifetime gift card. I wondered how many were in existence. Surely less than a hundred.
If you live in LA, you can make Gwyneth Paltrow, Elon Musk, and Kim Kardashian sad with one stroke of your pen. Please don't forget to vote for anyone but Rick Caruso today.
I took it back to my office, because I didn't want to make any of my colleagues jealous. I opened it up, and inside was an assortment of loose tea bags. What the fuck? I dumped them on my desk, dumbfounded, and that's when I saw it...
The next day, after everything was signed, Howard's assistant handed me a gift bag and said Howard had really enjoyed meeting me. I was stoked, this was the first gift I'd ever gotten from a billionaire.
@nikkihaley
The US will be taking names? Simmer down, you wannabe tough guy. The rest of the world is allowed to be upset about rash decisions made by an illegitimate man-child with the potential to disrupt an entire region.
David Zaslav made 246 million in 2021 and so far his biggest move is the equivalent of renaming Disney to Walt. This is why writers don’t believe the studios when they say they don’t have enough money to pay us fairly.
I empathize with J.K. Rowling because if all I had to do to be beloved forever was shut the fuck up about things I don't understand, I would also find a way to monumentally biff that.
Everyone likes to complain about airlines but today when I asked for an extra stir stick because my daughter likes the hearts, the good folks on Southwest flight 3266 made her this crown out of stir sticks and pretzel bags.
Took my seven year-old to see the Taylor Swift movie and she was nervous about trading friendship bracelets, but then all these older girls came over to make sure she felt included.
Taylor is helping to raise a whole generation of nice girls, and it’s honestly so moving.
YOUR MOST ANNOYING FRIEND: Think about it man, we’re all just living in a simulation, man.
YOU: Please stop with the edibles.
ESPN: The Cleveland Browns are considering making Condoleezza Rice their new head coach.
YOU: I apologize for mocking you, please pass the edibles.
@AriFleischer
Tens of thousands of children were murdered by our bombs because of your bullshit. The fact that you don’t blow your brains out every time you have five minutes to reflect on your life proves what a fucking sociopath you are.
Jeff Bezos is the richest person on Earth. We shouldn’t be giving him 3 billion to move his operations. We should be charging him 3 billion every time he travels on a public road.
I will be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center today at 6:30 P.M. Feeling really good! Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs & knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!