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Guy Endore-Kaiser Profile
Guy Endore-Kaiser

@GuyEndoreKaiser

81,730
Followers
1,236
Following
107
Media
1,683
Statuses

potato stuff

Burbank Adjacent
Joined August 2010
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
Trump shouldn't be allowed to choose a justice in the last year of his presidency.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
Something seems odd about this panel CNN put together to discuss The Women's March, but I can't put my finger on it.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
This isn't okay. It's not a redemption arc. This is a grown man who chose loyalty to a sociopath instead of the country. Fuck him forever.
Tweet media one
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
@TomiLahren @21savage You don’t have ancestors. You were accidentally created when a lightning bolt hit a mayonnaise factory on April Fool’s Day.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
To celebrate a million dollar deal, Howard Schultz gave me some loose tea bags and a five dollar gift card. I will not be voting for Howard Schultz for President, and I invite all of you to join me.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
5 years
My daughter decided to do her first lemonade stand today: on New Year’s Eve. My wife was her first customer, and when no one else came, dressed in disguise to be her second customer, too. Everyone’s listing what they’re proud of this decade, and for me, it’s these two weirdos.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
After all these years, Jay-Z finally has a bitch problem.
@realDonaldTrump
Donald J. Trump
7 years
Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies, Black Unemployment has just been reported to be at the LOWEST RATE EVER RECORDED!
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
Howard Schultz is in the news, so here's my only Howard Schultz story. Back when I used to work in movie marketing we did a million dollar deal to advertise one of our films in every Starbucks location. It was a big initiative for Schultz, so he flew down to LA for the meeting.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
1 year
Bill Maher complaining about writers wanting special treatment is a great opportunity to remind everyone about the time I went to Maroon 5’s Halloween party and Maher was screaming at the bouncer because they didn’t have a special line for celebrities. Also they did have one.
@PostLeftWatch
Post-Left Watch
1 year
Bill Maher wants to acknowledge the "big other side" of the writer's strike, and while he says they're getting "screwed a little bit by the streamers", a lot of their demands are "kooky". "They kinda believe that you're owed a living as a writer, and you're not".
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can't think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
My wife and I are both feminists. But as a man, I’m a tiny bit better at it.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
5 years
We did it!
@IvankaTrump
Ivanka Trump
5 years
En route to The Hague! 🇺🇸🇳🇱 #GES2019
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
I guess it comes down to who you think is smarter: Obama and the governments of China, France, Germany, and the UK... or the guy who bragged about successfully identifying a camel on a dementia test.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
12 years
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people... like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
5 years
Who can forget, in 1776, when the Continental Army took over the airports.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
BUY A LADDER & THE WALL WON’T MATTER!
@realDonaldTrump
Donald J. Trump
6 years
BUILD A WALL & CRIME WILL FALL!
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
We're a week away from Sean Spicer yelling at the media for refusing to report that Donald Trump has a sixty inch dick.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
If only John McCain could have heard John McCain's speech before John McCain cast his vote.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
“Horseface” - The President of the United States, who is beloved by Christian evangelicals, describing a porn star he paid for sex
@realDonaldTrump
Donald J. Trump
6 years
“Federal Judge throws out Stormy Danials lawsuit versus Trump. Trump is entitled to full legal fees.” @FoxNews Great, now I can go after Horseface and her 3rd rate lawyer in the Great State of Texas. She will confirm the letter she signed! She knows nothing about me, a total con!
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
No matter what you think of this guy's politics, you have to admit he knows a lot about trains.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
AIDE 1: How do we make the moron happy today? AIDE 2: This is probably too stupid, but what if we told him he set the presidential record for most years since 9/11? TRUMP:
@realDonaldTrump
Donald J. Trump
6 years
17 years since September 11th!
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
Sometimes April Fools' pranks can have disastrous consequences. Please learn from my terrible mistake.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
5 years
@RudyGiuliani Who was the president in 2017, cousin fucker?
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
This is the closest the President of the United States has come to not being the stupidest person in a picture.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
I ordered a triple venti soy latte. I slid the magnificent card to the barista and waited for his reaction. I'll never forget his words: "You still owe fifteen cents."
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
The Gettysburg Address was famously short. You couldn’t have picked a dumber example, you monumental moron.
@DonaldJTrumpJr
Donald Trump Jr.
7 years
. @Twitter how about a compromise... you give everybody ONE 280 character a day? 140 was an art form, 280 is everyone’s chance to write their Gettysburg Address that no one wants to actually read.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
11 years
Arizona: "At least we're not Texas." Texas: "At least we're not Florida." Florida: "You can't prove we're Florida."
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
"Donald and I may have our differences, but at the end of the day we're both frightened pissboys who hate women and poor people." -Ted Cruz
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
What a fucking world where Robin Williams has to be depressed and all these other assholes wake up with smiles on their faces.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
The idea that 1000s of documents are stored in unmarked folders is hilarious. Like how do they find one they need? Look through all of them?
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
Just called my friend in Puerto Rico and he said, "Please don't give us another thought until you sort out the anthem stuff, we'll be fine."
@realDonaldTrump
Donald J. Trump
7 years
Tremendous backlash against the NFL and its players for disrespect of our Country. #StandForOurAnthem 🇺🇸
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
Sure I masturbate in front of women and then ruin their careers to protect myself, but at least I'm not doing any of that millennial crap, like surviving a mass shooting. Wait, where's everyone going? I still have an hour about avocado toast--
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
@MaxBoot @PostOpinions Imagine if your whole job was to understand politics and politicians and you couldn’t tell the substantive difference between Ocasio-Cortez and Sarah fucking Palin. Imagine sucking that much at your job.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
@BillOReilly All the cool kids are pressuring me to try this new drug called 'not being shot to death at school'.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
The first thing I need to know about any rape case is: how many sports was the rapist good at?
@AP
The Associated Press
8 years
Two-sport star at a suburban Pittsburgh high school ordered to stand trial on rape, other charges.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
5 years
@KingJames Thank you for speaking out on behalf of all the oppressed millionaires who were slightly inconvenienced by those selfish jerks demonstrating for their basic human freedoms.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
Every time conservatives try to imagine a nightmare scenario it ends up being awesome. It’s like if Einstein tried to do an impression of a stupid person but accidentally came up with the theory of relativity.
@hotairblog
HotAir.com
6 years
Rubio: Are you ready for President Kamala Harris declaring a national emergency over climate change?
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
Your president just said your vice-president wants to hang all gay people.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
Please stop wasting exclamation points like this. We need to save them all for when you die on the toilet.
@realDonaldTrump
Donald J. Trump
7 years
Do you notice we are not having a gun debate right now? That's because they used knives and a truck!
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
She's dressed almost exactly the same as you.
@SheriffClarke
David A. Clarke, Jr.
7 years
. @realDonaldTrump calling Frederica Wilson “whacky” is putting it mildly. The woman is a buffoon. Look at her.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
Obviously a lot to dislike about this tweet, but let's not lose sight of the fact that he did it on the wrong day.
@realDonaldTrump
Donald J. Trump
8 years
Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don't know what to do. Love!
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
There is NO FUCKING way he tweeted this without having specifically empowered Flynn to tell Russia not to worry about the sanctions. NO WAY.
@realDonaldTrump
Donald J. Trump
8 years
Great move on delay (by V. Putin) - I always knew he was very smart!
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
Remember when Obama was president and no one ever tried to defend him by saying he was too stupid to know he was breaking the law?
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
Do you have any motivational books? Yeah, they're in the back. (long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
1 year
Bill Maher, who loves to remind us he's one of the writers of his show, will obviously be thinking up questions to ask his panel of guests. This is writing. Bill Maher is a scab. The only surprise is that it took him this long. New Rule: Never let this scab live this down.
@billmaher
Bill Maher
1 year
Real Time is coming back, unfortunately, sans writers or writing. It has been five months, and it is time to bring people back to work. The writers have important issues that I sympathize with, and hope they are addressed to their satisfaction, but they are not the only people
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
5 years
One thing we don’t talk about enough, because it’s not unifying or whatever, is that all the people who like trump are just the dumbest fucks in the entire world. Look at all these bobblehead morons hooting because they heard one of the bad words.
@atrupar
Aaron Rupar
5 years
Trump's biggest applause line is saying the word "bullshit." We're living through Idiocracy.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
@CBSNews @LindseyGrahamSC Cool, here’s zero dollars. It’s a metaphor for five billion.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
Trump should be allowed to attend 83% of the funeral, since that's how often McCain votes with him.
@NBCNews
NBC News
6 years
John McCain doesn't want President Trump at his funeral, friends tell the White House
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
The next day I took it into Starbucks. I wondered if the barista had ever seen one in person. I imagined he might have to call his manager over, and his eyes would go wide, and they'd whisper about me in hushed tones, while the rest of the employees gathered around to gawk at it.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
1 year
I'm Jewish. I have a deep love for the Israeli people. But I am terrified of what their government might unleash tomorrow. And I'm disgusted that ours is all but cheering it on. An unspeakable atrocity was committed. But that can never justify the slaughter of innocents.
@washingtonpost
The Washington Post
1 year
The Israeli military warned the United Nations that more than a million people in northern Gaza should evacuate south within 24 hours, a move that the U.N. considers impossible “without devastating humanitarian consequences." Follow our live updates.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
2 years
@Process180 @Travistritt @brendaslynn @JackDaniels_US I'm going to tell you something that is going to rock your world. People who accept other people and aren't terrified of anyone different from them, aren't actually a very small part of the population, they are the majority. Bigots, thankfully, are the small and shrinking part.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
12 years
Sometimes I take Dairy Queen coupons to Burger King, and when they refuse them, I scream “That’s your fucking wife!!!”
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
9 years
Ultimately if the wall keeps Trump out, I think there's a chance Mexico might pay for it.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
12 years
If you are ever at a playground and someone asks you which kid is yours, just for fun tell them you haven't decided yet.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
A Starbucks gift card, unlike any I had ever seen. Covered in shiny foil, this thing caught the light from every angle. It was beautiful. I was sure it was a lifetime gift card. I wondered how many were in existence. Surely less than a hundred.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
2 years
If you live in LA, you can make Gwyneth Paltrow, Elon Musk, and Kim Kardashian sad with one stroke of your pen. Please don't forget to vote for anyone but Rick Caruso today.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
I took it back to my office, because I didn't want to make any of my colleagues jealous. I opened it up, and inside was an assortment of loose tea bags. What the fuck? I dumped them on my desk, dumbfounded, and that's when I saw it...
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
11 years
Nazis and the great depression, I get it, Grandpa. But did you have to hear the word 'selfie' every fucking day? Did you?!
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
Tim Duncan is going to go absolutely wild tonight. Microwave a pizza, crush a root beer, maybe stay up till 10.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
The next day, after everything was signed, Howard's assistant handed me a gift bag and said Howard had really enjoyed meeting me. I was stoked, this was the first gift I'd ever gotten from a billionaire.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
Off the top of your head, what's the funniest story FOX News could be covering instead of the Natl Security Advisor resigning in disgrace...
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
@nikkihaley The US will be taking names? Simmer down, you wannabe tough guy. The rest of the world is allowed to be upset about rash decisions made by an illegitimate man-child with the potential to disrupt an entire region.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
2 years
David Zaslav made 246 million in 2021 and so far his biggest move is the equivalent of renaming Disney to Walt. This is why writers don’t believe the studios when they say they don’t have enough money to pay us fairly.
@StreamOnMax
Max
2 years
On May 23, HBO Max is becoming Max — The One To Watch for all of HBO, hit series, movies, reality, and more. #StreamOnMax
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
Every joke about lawyers can fuck off for a while. Lawyers are like the brain Avengers, teaming up to take on a real life supervillain.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
If you're feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you!
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
12 years
I went to my doctor for a 4 hour erection and he was like, “Did you just see Magic Mike twice?” And I was all, “busted”, and then we danced.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
12 years
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
@IvankaTrump I wish your dad would spend more time studying policy and less time writing you all these letters.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
11 years
"Homosexuality is evil! Now twirl around on the ice for a piece of jewelry." -Sochi
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
Oh you're sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who's sick.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
Trump is doing a poll comparing Trump’s first year to Obama’s. See if you can spot the inconsistency.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
This president sucks so much that undoing his own shitty policy is literally his greatest achievement.
@washingtonpost
The Washington Post
6 years
Trump expected to sign executive order ending his administration’s policy of separating migrant families at border, officials say
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
Junior woke up today with an unquenchable desire to have 10,000 people tweet back at him about how his father is also a Hollywood rapist.
@DonaldJTrumpJr
Donald Trump Jr.
7 years
Why don’t we simplify this greatly and publish a list of those in Hollywood who aren’t creeps??? Apparently a much smaller group.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
4 years
I empathize with J.K. Rowling because if all I had to do to be beloved forever was shut the fuck up about things I don't understand, I would also find a way to monumentally biff that.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
5 years
Everyone likes to complain about airlines but today when I asked for an extra stir stick because my daughter likes the hearts, the good folks on Southwest flight 3266 made her this crown out of stir sticks and pretzel bags.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
That time when Einstein faked his own death so he could keep working on his secret theories at Starbucks. http://t.co/Ql97viUtSi
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
9 years
Lesser men would have given up after twenty years of outrageous fame and fortune, but Leo persevered, and now he has a small trophy.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
Smoke weed, miss 16 games. Punch woman, miss 2 games. Beat child, miss 1 game. Embarrass entire league, stay commissioner.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
Drafting two safeties and the Browns quarterback is exactly the kind of bold thinking our country needs right now.
@SpeakerRyan
Paul Ryan
8 years
That moment when half of your fantasy 🏈 team shows up at your workplace. @GloverQuin27 @AnquanBoldin @JoshMcCown12 @Hawk @MalcolmJenkins
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
11 years
A soul patch is a check engine light for people.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
1 year
Took my seven year-old to see the Taylor Swift movie and she was nervous about trading friendship bracelets, but then all these older girls came over to make sure she felt included. Taylor is helping to raise a whole generation of nice girls, and it’s honestly so moving.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
Hey, congrats to all the people who voted for the geniuses who think Sandy Hook was fake and Bowling Green was real.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
YOUR MOST ANNOYING FRIEND: Think about it man, we’re all just living in a simulation, man. YOU: Please stop with the edibles. ESPN: The Cleveland Browns are considering making Condoleezza Rice their new head coach. YOU: I apologize for mocking you, please pass the edibles.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
10 years
I can't wait to see what disease you cure with all the time you've saved not putting your shopping cart away.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
12 years
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
"An SNL writer made fun of my son" Trump raged as he signed his executive order destroying the lives of thousands of kids.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
8 years
There's like nothing stopping any of us from booking a room at a Trump hotel and canceling 24 hours in advance.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
5 years
They were right about Coronavirus being a hoax so I think we should give them the benefit of the doubt on climate change too.
@washingtonpost
The Washington Post
5 years
Trump administration to finalize weaker mileage standards, dealing a blow to Obama-era climate policy
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
@AriFleischer Tens of thousands of children were murdered by our bombs because of your bullshit. The fact that you don’t blow your brains out every time you have five minutes to reflect on your life proves what a fucking sociopath you are.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
11 years
Be careful when you're 12, because if you mention one thing you like, your aunt will give you a book about that every Christmas for life.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
7 years
We lost zero Stephen Hawkings in eight years under Obama.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
5 years
I wonder why this one struck a nerve...
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Tweet media two
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
9 years
It's stupid to give The Martian an award for best comedy of the year, when in fact it's the best comedy of all time.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
12 years
. @realDonaldTrump Basically any decent human being.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
He’s been sentenced to 5 to 10 years of free drinks.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
6 years
Jeff Bezos is the richest person on Earth. We shouldn’t be giving him 3 billion to move his operations. We should be charging him 3 billion every time he travels on a public road.
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@GuyEndoreKaiser
Guy Endore-Kaiser
4 years
Hey @jack , this tweet saying not to be afraid of covid is going to kill thousands of people. You gonna do anything about it? Anything at all?
@realDonaldTrump
Donald J. Trump
4 years
I will be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center today at 6:30 P.M. Feeling really good! Don’t be afraid of Covid. Don’t let it dominate your life. We have developed, under the Trump Administration, some really great drugs & knowledge. I feel better than I did 20 years ago!
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