🍁Graham Kritzer @GrahamKritzer Twitter profile | Pikagi

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🍁Graham Kritzer

@GrahamKritzer

7,213

Followers

684

Following

2,651

Media

41,217

Statuses

Dad | Comedian IG:

Scarberia

https://t.co/ggSP6O5PKY

Joined August 2015

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was "entirely too many cows" and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

My Mom finally got the courage to bring my Dad's urn into the living room and place it on the mantle. It was bittersweet and caught everyone a little off guard, including my Dad who was just sitting there watching Storage Wars.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said 'The Loan Shark' so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

5 months

I was at a Starbucks and 'Mr. Brightside' came on and the barista leaned in and whispered "I hate this song" and the manager walked over and put his hand on the dudes shoulder, then took him out back and shot him..he fucking shot him and everyone in the store cheered.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Date: describe yourself to me in three words Me:

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Harper Lee: This is the worst writer's block I've ever had Mockingbird: ThIs Is THe WorSt WriTER's bLOck I'Ve EVer HAd Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Some of the nice things about fall are going to bed when it's dark, and waking up when it's dark and going to work when it's still dark and getting off when it's dark eating dinner in the dark embrace the dark become the dark

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

At least we know he is listening!

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

9 months

Guy inventing Accordion: I'm gonna make this suitcase so fucking loud

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

[Diner] Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free *me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old* my 6 year-old: im a police

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

my dad:

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

WOULDYA QUIT PUTTING COWS IN YOUR BROTHER'S HOUSE FOR PETE'S SAKE

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

9 months

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring Mary: thats ok Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too Mary: it's fine Jesus: [sleeping] Little Drummer boy: gonna bang TF outta these drums Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to christ

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Went to my Grandpa's house and had to use his computer. On his desktop he had a folder called 'porn'. I opened it and it was absolutely 100% porn. I honestly don't know what i was expecting.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

My Romanian neighbor asked me if it was ok if my son had some snacks. I asked which kind and he said 'the cat with measles. cheesy cat measles.' Cheetos. he was talking about cheetos.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

I asked my 4 year-old if he had a girlfriend at school and he said "no, but I have a favorite chair and that is nice." I am a very proud Father.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

@jdickerson do you have any advice for me?

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

There is no parenting book in the world that can prepare you for when your 11 year-old decides it's time to enter his Axe Body Spray years. This whole house smells like a New Jersey casino.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Netflix went up to $20 a month which is crazy. I really hope my ex-girlfriend has budgeted enough for this

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

When you show up to the urgent 9am meeting and it's just your boss and the HR lady

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his 'pound machine'. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale. Crisis averted, for now.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

My GF was on a work call and she leaned over and asked me the name of 'The Star Wars ship' and I said 'The Mayflower' and she said thanks and repeated it. Then the smile left her face and she turned and looked at me with the absolute worst stink-eye I have ever seen in my life.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Yesterday my son turned 6 years old. In the morning he flexed and told me his muscles were bigger and that his voice was different. "I am probably a man now." So I gave him a sip of my coffee and he said "that's the stuff." Confirmed grown up.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

11 months

Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in shambles

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

I think the worst part about living under the oppressive Communist Canada regime is after my son spent 88 days in the NICU after being delivered 3 months early, receiving treatment for meningitis along the way, my bill came to $400 for parking.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

4 years

Oh you work out? Cool, how much can you French press or whatever

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Today my 6 year-old son asked if I had an iPad growing up and I told him that we didn't have iPads or internet. Then he looked me straight in the eye and said "did you even have food to eat?"

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

@terreliv It was NOT

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

4 years

[heaven] God: Did you send the Murder Hornets? Angel: yes my lord. God: Very good. Now place the Sodomy Geese on stand by Angel: Sodomy Geese. God: super excited about this one.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

While visiting a small town in North Carolina, I stopped for gas. I asked the clerk where I could buy toilet paper. A small child with no shirt on, smoking a Newport told me to try Toilet Paper Town. After several hours of driving, I realized that there was no Toilet Paper Town

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

@CrockettForReal Dude. He was beside himself. A house full of cows. Who knew

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Today I caught my 5 year-old staring off into space. When I asked if he was ok, he replied "yes Dad, just thinking about donuts" and honestly little dude, same.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Today I asked my son to name something we have at our Thanksgiving that the pilgrims didn't have at theirs and he confidently said 'Parkour'.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

If I sing "Hello..." and you think of Lionel Richie and not Adele, then your back is probably sore

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Yesterday I put Frank's Red Hot on my lasagna and the Mayor of Italy came to my house and tried to strangle me

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Did you know you can just go to the park and take a squirrel for free? Literally no one is going to call you on it. Take a many as you like, it's crazy

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Yesterday my son watched me pour fabric softener into the washing machine and then said "Laundry milk, daddy". And I stood there and was like "Jesus Christ that is adorable" because he's right, it is Laundry milk. My son is 36 years-old please someone get him a job

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

my son woke us up at 3am to ask if '72 cats could beat up a whole bear?' At first we were like oh that's adorable you little scamp but then I remembered that he's 33 years old and high AF on mushrooms

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Me: What if I told you that on the planet that Big Bird comes from, he's actually the smallest. Guy leading the tour at NASA: what

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Tinder, but for Dads who just wanna have a few dozen cold ones on someone's driveway while another dad cleans his car with classic rock in the background.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

1 year

Today I was on a work call presenting some PowerPoint slides and someone said "You sure do love PowerPoint" and I said "just call me Bob Vila cuz im out here building decks" and a total of zero people laughed but that's showbiz baby

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

4 years

"How come raccoons always sleep in the road?" -my 4 year-old son, God bless him.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

My 9 year-old just asked us what a Pole Dancer is and without missing a beat his mother says "A Ballerina from Poland" and I love her more and more each day

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Today my 5 year-old asked me which solar system Planet Fitness was in, and I had to leave the room.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

at dinner my 10 year-old divulged to us that he thought hot dogs were actual pig penises. Like, snipped right off the hog. Then he proceeded to eat 4 of them. This kid ate 4 hotdogs under the impression that they were pig penises and we didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

[Heaven] God: How's that vaccine I sent down coming? Angel: they're eating horse medicine now God: *throws bottle of Jack Daniels at the wall*

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

6 months

#RoyalAnnouncement #RoyalFamily #KateMiddleton No one: Buckingham Palace: See? this is Kate she is fine

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said "Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time" and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

1 year

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled "they'll never find his body" and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

All im saying is that you never see Joe Rogan and Caillou in the same room

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

@VancityReynolds can you please incorporate an angry child and Minecraft into Deadpool 3.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Kids are great. If you ask my 6 year-old to unplug the router and reset the internet he will do so before I finish my sentence. If you ask him to find his other shoe he will go look for it in the fridge.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

My teenage niece refers to her parents as 'Pangaea' because they smashed a bunch of plates and then separated

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

A Jewish bakery that also serves as a potential meetup spot for the homies, call it Challah At Your Boy

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

My 5 year-old and I just tooted at the exact same time and then without breaking eye contact with the tv, he stuck out his hand to high five me. Gentle reader, it is dusty in here.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Today my 5 year-old son decided to step on an ant. After doing so, he added "Enjoy your nap". Still kind of processing that one

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

No one: People from Chicago: this is pizza

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🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

I always carry a cyanide capsule with me to parties in case someone starts talking about cryptocurrency

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

All I'm saying is that there is probably a direct correlation between why his name is Winnie The Pooh and why he refuses to wear pants.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

McDonald's in the 80s was wild cuz you could eat a burger out of a styrofoam box and then smoke an entire pack of cigarettes next to your kids while they played Lord of the Flies in the acid-trip HamburgerJail

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

my 6 year-old pronounces parmesan as 'Parmetron' and no one is EVER going to correct him do you hear me?

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Bill Cosby is short for Bill Cosby is a rapist

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

My 6 year-old just fell down the stairs and when I ran over to see if he was ok, he got up and said "Dad, chill, I am a 'parkour artist'"and now he owns the house.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Me, frantically googling the number calling me instead of just answering the phone

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

[Space] Aliens: HOLY SHIT THEY'RE LAUNCHING THEIR DICKS AT US

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Canada: Oh you had a baby? Here are 52 paid weeks off of work for you. Enjoy :) America: You had a baby you idiot? Lol Here are 12 days off and a mop to clean all that up. Also you owe us $55,000.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Yesterday I was playing Call of Duty and I got absolutely smoked by some dude. After he beat me I sent a message saying "Fucking great game" and he wrote back "This is Stephanie's Dad, she cant read this because she is 5 years old, but ill let her know" And I'll never recover

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

There was a kid named Franklin in my Grade 1 class who told us all that his Dad invented water and everytime we went to the water fountain he made us say "thanks Franklin's Dad" and I'm just wondering which Federal prison he is in now

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

4 years

While stifling laughter, my son's teacher handed this to me and said "he worked very hard on it."

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

There is a child at my son's tee ball game that has picked up a stick and is now going base to base swashbuckling other kids in the balls and yelling "FREEZE FBI!" and honestly this is much more interesting than professional baseball.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

4 years

My Uncle posted a MAGA meme purporting to show thousands of people in Wuhan celebrating new years eve maskless. When I told him that Chinese New Year is in February he told me to "check my source". Yes, Let me fucking fact check CHINESE NEW YEAR TODD

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

If the Burger King had married the Queen of England, they would live in Buckinghamburger palace. thank you for reading this.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

At dinner my 6 year-old told a horrible knock-knock joke. Instead of a pity laugh I looked him straight in the eyes and told him 'that shit might kill in the schoolyard with all your snot-nosed pals but you gotta bring your A-game to the dinner table.' He's revising for tonight.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

I made my 5 year-old son scrambled eggs. He looked at his plate, made a face, and asked "did the dog make this?" Dear Reader, we do not even own a dog, this child is ruthless.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

[Seance] My Dad's Ghost: Oh so NOW everyone turns the lights off

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

1 year

My guacamole dip, two seconds after being exposed to air

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

I'm just gonna be honest. Did I think Martha's Vineyard was actually Martha Stewart's House? Yes. Did I think that she invited all of these celebrities over to dine and stay in her huge house? Also yes. Did I picture them eating at a huge, restored barndoor table? really huge yes

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Tupac is short for et tu, pac-man?

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Yesterday I took my 3 year-old son to Toys 'R' us for the very first time. Upon entering the door, his eyes widened and he whispered to himself "Jesus Christ"

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

Shot in the dark here, but I think Charlie Brown was always miserable because he was 11 years old and F*CKING BALD

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

4 years

Kids are wild man. I told my 4 year old son he couldn't have a snack so his friend pulled a pudding out of his own bag, and gave it to my kid while looking me dead in the eye the entire time. Like get tf outta my house Jaxxon good luck in prison

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Today I caught my 4 year-old son just staring off into space. I asked him if he was ok and he replied "ya...just thinking about trucks" which was funny because I had the exact same conversation with my 67 year-old retired father last week.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

They need to make a Febreze called 'Late 80's American Mall' that combines the smell of Cinnabon, Marlboro Lights, and chlorine from the fountain we threw pennies into.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

4 years

I finally had 'The Talk' with my son yesterday. Sure he's 4, but you're never too young to learn that Gorbachev's introduction of Glasnost and Perestroika accelerated the inevitable collapse of the USSR, ending the cold war. He was going to hear it in the schoolyard anyway

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

I remember when I was young my Dad told me that Argentina had the second most amount of people with our last name, after Germany. Which I thought was weird but cool. And then I took WW2 history in Grade 9 and was like oooooooooh. Oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Today we drove past a field of cows and my girlfriend did not yell or say 'COWS' and anyway I have an engagement ring for sale.

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🍁Graham Kritzer

4 years

When you're dead inside but you makin sure your little plantbois stay hydrated

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

When I was your age, this was Wordle

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🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck upside down in a burning clown car please help us the doors are locked from the outside

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

2 years

@terreliv Ive never seen a shark and lightning in the same room so i cant answer that

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@GrahamKritzer

🍁Graham Kritzer

3 years

Millenials, when they finally save enough to buy a house

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