Funny Quotes @FunnyQuotes888 Twitter profile

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

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17

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go

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17

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

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16

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

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3

16

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

1

3

15

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

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2

15

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

0

4

12

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

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2

12

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

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12

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

1

12

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

0

1

12

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

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11

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

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11

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

0

1

9

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

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3

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

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8

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

8 years

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

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4

9

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

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2

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

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6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

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8

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

1

0

8

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

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1

8

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

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2

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

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0

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

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8

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

5 years

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

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6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

0

1

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

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1

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

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1

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

0

1

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

0

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

0

3

8

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

0

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong

0

2

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

5 years

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

0

4

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

0

1

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

0

2

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

0

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

1

0

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

0

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

0

5

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

5 years

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’

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6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

0

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

0

1

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

0

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

0

1

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

0

2

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

1

0

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

6 years

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

0

3

4

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

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2

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

9 years

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

1

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

2

1

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

0

1

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

0

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

0

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

3

0

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong

0

2

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

0

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

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1

7

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

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6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

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1

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

2 years

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

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Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

0

5

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

3 years

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

1

0

6

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

5 years

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

0

5

Funny Quotes

@FunnyQuotes888

4 years

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong

0

1

6