Failed Pastor @FailingPastor Twitter profile

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Failed Pastor

2 years

CS Lewis got the inspiration for The Screwtape Letters while his mind wandered during a boring sermon. Who knows what works of art your sermon will inspire this Sunday.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

When attendance at church is low, It's absolutely vital that you say to your pastor, "Wow, not many people here today." This is the only way the pastor will know lots of people are gone.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

How to read The Bible: 1) Set aside time to read the Bible. 2) Read the Bible during that time.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

7 years

Alexa, prepare my sermon.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

2 years

My dad was a pastor. He once flew home during a family vacation to be with a couple whose daughter was having surgery. Not long after, they left the church because my dad didn't do enough for them.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

2 years

I used to be a pastor and now I am a small business owner. Owning a small business is a breeze and way less stressful. I know everyone thinks all job problems are the same. They aren't. Pastoral ministry was brutal.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

When people find out I’m a pastor they tell me one of 3 things: 1) How big and awesome their church is, 2) What they hate about their church, or 3) They apologize for swearing.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

@johnbcrist @SouthwestAir well, there's a lot of cabin pressure.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Pretend church is your kid's sports tournament. You'll make it. And be early.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

YOUNG PASTOR GOAL: I will transform this church and save this town. OLD PASTOR GOAL: I will preach the Gospel.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

How to pray more: 1) Set aside more time to pray 2) Pray during that time

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Pastors, stop introducing your wife as “hot” for at least the following reasons: 1) It makes everyone judge your wife's appearance. 2) Respect your wife. Don’t introduce her as a sexual turn-on. 3) If you have to tell people, it’s because you don’t think they'd know otherwise.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

PASTOR 1: My church is spiritually mature so we don’t wear blue jeans. PASTOR 2: My church is spiritually mature so we wear blue jeans. ME: Hang on; I’m still looking for the blue jeans verse.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

THEM: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! ME: Except use verses in context apparently.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Christian women should be massively offended by the drivel that gets published for Christian women.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

I’m amazed at the number of Christians who don’t know that surrounding verses can help you understand what a verse means.

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@FailingPastor

5 years

First we weren't supposed to be in groups over 250. Then 100. Then 50 and now 10. If this trend continues, my church might have to cancel some stuff pretty soon.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

Yup, I’m one of those stupid pastors who thinks the Gospel is the answer to our problems.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Dads who aren’t in church will have kids who aren’t in church.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

"Pastors should never borrow ideas. If you can't come up with original ideas, you shouldn't preach." --People who've never preached 3 times a week for 20 years

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

7 years

1ST YEAR PASTOR: Preaches about getting out of debt, gun-control, tongues, healing, marriage advice, etc. 30TH YEAR PASTOR: Preaches Christ and Him crucified.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

One Sunday I preached on when your enemy is hungry, feed him. The next Sunday I got two pies, a plate of cookies, and a bag of chips.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

7 years

Took a knee during the praise choruses today. Bring back the hymns!

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

1 year

Three tips for a good sermon: 1) Have a point. 2) Make sure you make that point. 3) Make sure the point you make is a point the Bible makes.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

There is no reason for God to hide coded messages in the Bible. People don't even get the stuff He clearly said.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

THEM: I may be the only Bible some people read. ME: Better tell them you’re a very loose paraphrase.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

Do not get your pastor a Bible for Christmas. Just cash. Just give the pastor cash. More than likely your pastor already has 127 Bibles. You pastor more than likely has no cash. Just give cash.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

My favorite part of pastoring is being told by people who have never and would never do this job, how to do this job.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Sometimes, when no one is around, Your pastor beat boxes, sings, or makes sound effects over the church’s sound system. If your pastor denies this, your pastor is lying.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

2 years

"Why does our church not have Wednesday Night church in the summer?" --person who has never been to Wednesday Night church in any season

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

Things I will not mention in my sermon tomorrow: Royal Weddings, Laurel or Yanni, Trump, Russia. Things I will mention: Bible verses and Jesus Christ.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

THEM: Our kids aren’t at church because we let them make their own decisions. ME: Do they get to decide if they go to school too?

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@FailingPastor

6 years

What's the most awkward thing you’ve heard someone pray? Mine was at a funeral for "Pete" Fricken: “We pray for the whole Fricken family.”

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

THEM: Doctrine is so confusing. ME: Not really. Trying to reconcile the Bible with what you believe is what's confusing.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

THEM: Many Christians have hurt me, that’s why I reject Christianity. ME: Many Christians have hurt me too, that’s what drove me closer to Christ.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

2 years

BREAKING: Pastor preaches sub-par sermon, but church is ok with it because they love him and know that he loves them and it was just an off day.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

Raising people's blood pressure is the closest most Christians get to being like salt.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

Remember Christians: There's only a limited amount of summer church services left to skip.

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@FailingPastor

5 years

The primary job of a pastor is to love the people who’ve been entrusted to you. If you do not or cannot love the people, do not be a pastor.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

2 years

Much of being a pastor is doing stuff in church no one else would do and then being criticized for what you did by those who wouldn’t do it.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

It still blows my mind that a dork like me can be used to preach the powerful Gospel of Jesus Christ.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

The job of a pastor is not to grow a huge church, sell books, or get famous. The job primarily is to love people and help them grow in Christ.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

7 years

My wife said my sermon was unbelievable today! Actually she said, "I can't believe you said that in front of church." But still.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

8 years

No, I don't know what @AndyStanley said today, but yes, I am upset about it.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

2 years

I haven't been a pastor for over a year. Many people who didn't like me when I was a pastor have no problem with me now. Hey pastors, it's not always you; sometimes it's the job. People are weird with pastors. It's a real thing. Don't take it all personally.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

That feeling when you see your church’s noted Crazy Person talking to a visitor.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

Americans have a God-shaped hole in their hearts they are attempting to fill with politicians.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

Well, apparently The Corona Virus is over. Wonder what the next excuse for skipping church for two years will be.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

Don't worry about other pastors stealing your sermon ideas; worry more about having sermon ideas worth stealing.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

It breaks my heart when moms regularly come to church with their kids while dad golfs, works, hunts, fishes, sleeps, works on the house, etc.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Public Service Announcement: When you get a job you are asked “Are there any times you can’t work?” At this point you say “Sunday mornings.” Businesses will then not schedule you on Sunday mornings. My kids have never missed church for work. Don’t tell me it aint possible.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

1 year

Top Three Points in Sermon Preaching 101: 1) Make sure the sermon uses Scripture 2) Make sure the sermon has a point 3) Make sure the point of the sermon is the same point the Scripture is making

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

"I believe God directed us to attend your church." --People who will attend your church for about 4 weeks

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

The rudest, meanest people in your church Will be the same people that are the most easily offended.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

One of my biggest fears about being a pastor is that my kids would become cynical about church and walk away from it as soon as they got the chance.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

Am I the only pastor who has to emotionally and mentally psych myself up before visiting some people knowing the life-sucking drain that’s about to come?

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Sure am glad I went to seminary so I know exactly how to pastor a church thru a nationwide shutdown for a pandemic.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

THEM: Pastors only work one day a week. ME: Says someone who’s in church for two hours a month.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

7 years

WIFE: You had a good point in your sermon today. ME: But I had six points. WIFE: You had a good point in your sermon today.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

If only Christians wanted to go to church this badly when churches were open for the last 2,000 years.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

The weirder our society gets the more "be not conformed to the world" seems like a genius idea.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

Here’s an idea: How about when the Bible disagrees with our doctrine we change our doctrine?

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@FailingPastor

5 years

"I don't like preparing sermons; I prefer to let the Spirit speak through me." --Pastors who should seriously, honestly, like for real, do preparation for their sermons

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

Someone disagreed with my sermon. Pretty happy to know someone listened to it.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

As far as I can tell, the best way to know what a pastor should be doing is to not be a pastor. All non-pastors know exactly what their pastor is supposed to be doing.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

New Pastors: just so you know, you’ll hear way more about people’s medical problems than their spiritual problems.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

THEM: Just preach the Word. ME: [preaches the Word} THEM: Not that part.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

The people who miss church because the “weather was so bad,” Are the same people who miss church because the “weather was so nice.”

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

There's a point in the pastor kid life where they're told the inside stories of the people at church. This is a dangerous thing, but eventually necessary. Their observations and questions need answers. PK's know things. It's a miracle when any PK stays in church as an adult.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

THEM: Should we attend church if the government outlaws going to church? ME: If this really concerns you, maybe start with going to church when the government is fine with it.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Bad Pastors don’t want you to grow in Christ so you will stay dependent on them. Good Pastors want you to grow in Christ so you don’t need them.

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@FailingPastor

5 years

Remember pastors: All the advice you’re receiving about how to church during a pandemic is given by people who’ve never churched during a pandemic.

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@FailingPastor

6 years

I must admit I was a little shocked when I saw all the ABCDEFGHILMNOPQRSTUWXYZ's in my KJV Only Study Bible.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

1ST YEAR PASTOR: I will win this city for Jesus! 10TH YEAR PASTOR: I'm pretty concerned about the people in my church at this point.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 months

When a church stops preaching the Bible They start preaching people's ideas And people's ideas are stupid.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

7 years

Every once in a while you gotta preach a sermon that could get you fired.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Hey Christians: If you see a pastor from another church, remember to go on for an uncomfortable length of time telling them how much better your church is. Pastors love this! Can’t get enough of it!

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@FailingPastor

5 years

Got a great Christmas sermon prepared: Jesus was born so he could suffer and die for your sins, you miserable, rebellious sinners. Merry Christmas!

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@FailingPastor

4 years

SOLOMON: There’s nothing new under the sun. EVERYONE ELSE: We live in unprecedented times.

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@FailingPastor

5 years

When you preach a sermon against your church’s main sin issue and they all enjoyed it and have no idea you were talking about them.

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@FailingPastor

5 years

THEM: I am shocked by how many pastors say they are depressed. ME: I’m not. We represent a Man of Sorrows who was acquainted with grief to an uninterested world.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

The Bible isn't hard to understand, it's hard to obey. Don't confuse the two.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

"Don't tread on me" isn't in the Bible. "The meek shall inherit the earth" is.

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@FailingPastor

4 years

THEM: What's the best thing I can do to prepare myself for ministry? ME: Be a janitor. You'll learn how to take criticism, how to deal with being humbled and disgusted regularly, and you'll learn how to clean up people's crap.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

THEM: Pastors only work one day a week. ME: Seriously? You think I can screw up this much stuff in just one day a week?

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

The church lost when the role of pastor became entertainer, reserved for extrovert salesmen types who know how to put on a good show.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

If you didn't like the last 7 churches you went to, It's probably not your new church's fault when you eventually don't like it either.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

Apparently the excitement and novelty of doing online church lasts about two Sundays.

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@FailingPastor

5 years

This Holiday Season remember: If you’re going to offend your family, Offend them with the Gospel, not with your stupid opinions about Donald Trump.

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@FailingPastor

2 years

[uses my dog as a sermon illustration] NO ONE: That was a really helpful illustration that really helped me grasp that theological concept. 32 PEOPLE: I also have a dog. Here is a story about her.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

3 years

I resigned from being a pastor a year and a half ago. I've preached several times since elsewhere. Today I got my first hurtful sermon criticism. Nice to know I've still got it. Welcome back old friend.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

I'm guessing Christians would do more evangelism if they thought following Jesus was as important as voting.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

7 years

One reason Satan invented Facebook was to depress pastors about how much heresy their people believe.

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@FailingPastor

2 years

THEM: The church is bigger than the pastor. ALSO THEM: Every bad thing in this church is the pastor's fault.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

When I started as a pastor I knew exactly how to do this job. 20 years in, I don’t have any idea how to do this job.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

7 months

Ah, Sunday evening, the blessed time for the pastor to regret stuff he said and remember all the stuff he forgot to say.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

THEM: We shouldn’t shove Jesus down people’s throats. ME: Well duh, faith comes by hearing. You shove Him down their ears. That’s like Theology 101.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

5 years

God bless all those old ladies who can’t make it to church but haven’t missed a hair appointment in 57 years.

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

4 years

What if on Judgment Day we find out most of our church squabbles were just personality differences and grace, love, and patience were actually what we were supposed to show each other?

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Failed Pastor

@FailingPastor

6 years

"Mind if I pray for you?" --the polite pastor's way of telling you he wants the conversation to be over

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