CannibusLecter @FMLsweetly Twitter profile

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CannibusLecter

2 years

you can fight a mouse for his cheese and win. you can fight 100 mice for their cheese and win. but at some point there is going to be an exact number of mice where you can no longer win. i am going to find that number.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 months

mercury is no longer in retrograde you miserable whores

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

if i had known that actions have consequences we wouldn't be here, your honor.

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@FMLsweetly

3 months

mercury is in retrograde you miserable whores

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

6 months

some of my tweets with 2 likes deserve 3 likes.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

if i had a clitoris i would tell everybody where it is

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

6 months

i should quit twitter and locate my children

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

my daughter consistently tests at the top of her 1st grade class and yet she cannot mix me a dry martini for shit

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

11 months

@LouisRLCM @briebriejoy @AyeletMess @bantervy Exactly. They all get a right of return and full citizenship and the Arab states they return to have to become full representative democracies that include them. They get their houses back and compensation. Easy.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

6 months

murder is now illegal in the State of California again.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

what do debt collection companies want from us.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

9 months

just happy to be in the back of somebody’s van going somewhere.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

@GOPJosh20 @amy2ree Tricycle does not count.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

the FBI is reading all of my tweets but doesn't have the courtesy to like any of them

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

@VikramBarhat @anothercohen this was funnier when that guy did it over a week ago

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

the lady at the salon told my wife she might want to consider bleaching her asshole and now i'm covered in bleach

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

my dad is in prison for retweeting without liking

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

8 months

they should create a twitter for smart people

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

6 months

wearing a wife beater when you don’t face any domestic violence charges is cultural appropriation

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

for $25/hour i’ll hang myself at your kid’s birthday party

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

the awkward part of the relationship where you’re afraid to tell the other person about the years you spent appreciating the Counting Crows

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i accidentally discovered the poetry section of twitter and then i killed myself

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i’m no longer liking pictures of your pets. they’ve had a free ride for too long.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

my wife just gave me one of those new waterproof toasters

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

i don't like it either but we're lovers now.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

if i weren't tweeting i'd probably be stealing cars or doing drugs or participating in the lives of my kids

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

wife just signed me up for a submarine trip

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

6 months

i am now your cult leader. you received a pamphlet.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

anybody else notice that everybody else sucks

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

read my tweet again but funnier

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

got thrown out of my cult. "too into it".

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 months

dear diary: you know too much. are you judging me.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

before twitter i had to bark at people on the street

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

i’m unfollowing you for lent

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

no babe your mood disorder is just the best

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

these training bras have taught me nothing

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

11 months

i never heard a wise man say any of that shit

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

3 months

if you’re in a bad relationship my advice is that you stay in it but do some tweets.

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@FMLsweetly

1 year

have you been weaponizing yourself against the tyrannical regime? you look different.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

in breaking news, Elon Musk has just announced that, in order to post on X (formerly Twitter), users will first have to club 2-5 baby seals

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

if you’re reading this there’s no fucking way you’re living your best life

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i just met my soulmate on twitter and wired her $15,000

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

every american should have the right to a nuclear tipped intercontinental ballistic missile

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

at 600 followers i will drive my pt cruiser into my MILF neighbor’s living room

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

don’t want to brag but when hell freezes over i am getting laid NONSTOP

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

i am at burning man now. there is Ebola but it is the good Ebola.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i miss the old twitter back before i was on it

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

bitch said i better have her money.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

what do people who stop abruptly at the bottom of the escalator want from us.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

sorry i asked you if you were stupid. i wanted to know if you’re stupid.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

6 months

i gained 75 pounds for a documentary about beavers that i’m planning to rent on Amazon Prime later this week.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

this hearing could have been an email your honor

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

bookmarked your tweet for when the dislike button comes out

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

not sure if weed makes me a good person or the best person

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 months

i too am filing for divorce from Ben Afleck

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

my dentist: turns out you have another 3 cavities me: you're not very good at your job are you

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

this is awkward but i don't even remember why i was stalking you

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

women I don’t DM are preemptively DMing me to clarify their disinterest

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

6 months

i've kind of fucking had it

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

your honor i’m offended by how quickly you accepted my insanity plea

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

by the third time you get sucked into a jet engine it's like, ok, relax, i know what to do now

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

3 months

Simone Biles might be good at gymnastics but she fucking sucks at responding to DMs.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

hey. hey. that was me hanging out the passenger’s side of my best friend’s ride trying to holler at ya. whassup. hello.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i’m a god fearing person. if you even so much as mention god in my presence i will spontaneously shit myself and run screaming into traffic.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

there was a time when Taco Bell used to mean something

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

this chia pet tastes awful

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

why, with a little extra hard work and attention to detail, my tweets could get 10, 12, even so many as 14 likes from mentally ill persons in diverse geographical locations i probably wouldn’t want to visit

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

people who live up to their potential should be mocked and shunned

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i’ll keep tweeting for however long the CIA and the Frito-Lay Co. keep trying to kill me. remember that.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i think my dog is having a bad reaction to all this cocaine

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i didn’t fuck your mom we made love

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

wanted: reply guy who comments "me too" in all my tweets

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

11 months

i've been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

@peachy62 @lindyli the take of a horrible person

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@FMLsweetly

1 year

my most redeeming quality is that i could be worse

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

11 months

she was homeschooled at the international house of pancakes

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

you can't have more than 1,000 followers on twitter and still be an ethical human being

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

i have the best followers an absolute moron on the internet could ever possibly have.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

in a past life i had a WAP but was too ashamed to express myself artistically about it

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

this is my emotional support sociopathic online persona

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

led a horse to water and then we both just looked at each other like "what the fuck now"

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

movie theater concession counters should sell entire hams

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 months

micro dosing Twitter by getting 1 like

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

nice that we can all be pieces of shit together online as a community

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

decades ago my stupid idiot parents had sex and now here i am hot wiring your car. i share your rage.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

7 months

i have decided to start megadosing my micro aggressions.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

10 months

released from twitter jail but i can’t cut it on the outside

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i don’t make friends easily but i feel like prison is finally gonna change things

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i was a friend who got left behind because i don't dance and because i don't dance i was no friend of his

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

3 months

if you find money in my couch, leave it there she earned it

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

tweeting to you live from the McDonald’s drive-thru where I am told i “need a car” and some “money”

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

i once had a woman chase me for 12 city blocks to tell me i should go fuck myself

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

6 months

i regret holding the door for that guy who didn’t say thank you 8 months ago

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

your tweets are bullshit but you’re a good person, probably

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

the people who call me the space cowboy and the people who call me the gangster of love are in two separate but nearby mental institutions

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

@VivekGRamaswamy @Mike_Pence I despise Pence but I'll take Pence's word over yours on any day at any time.

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

1 year

drop kicking the super friendly guy at the office

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

my therapist says that my timing and delivery need work

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CannibusLecter

@FMLsweetly

2 years

sometimes people will just start talking to me and it’s like hey shut up

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