Destry @DestryBrod Twitter profile

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Destry

7 years

To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue. The profanity wasn't necessary but thank you for not siccing him on me.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 months

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America. Don't tell me that getting your PhD isn't worth it.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

People say " You're 40 now. You should be settling down and having kids. " Well I'm busy at the moment making sure my dogs taco costume is ready for Halloween.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 months

I've lost seventy-five pounds since September of last year. That might not be that great of an accomplishment, but I'm sort of pleased with myself. When no one else will, sometimes you have to pat yourself on the back.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

10 months

I'll bet Jolene doesn't look this good at 77.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

[ At the gym ] Gym bro: can you spot me? Me (pointing at him): there you are!

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Destry

@DestryBrod

29 days

Girl, are you a pirate? Because I treasure your chest.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 months

Subway: eat fresh! Customers: we don't care about that anymore. Subway: here's a footlong chocolate chip cookie.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

1 month

If I had a stalker they would die of boredom and sadness.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 months

The only thing Jimmy Carter is guilty of is being the president in the wrong time. He's one of the only presidents that truly loved and cared for all citizens. I'm sure y'all can find things to try and refute this. I don't care. I love Jimmy Carter.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

Cell phone bill 2008 vs 2018. 2008: minutes used 4,835 ( Damn I need unlimited minutes.) 2018: minutes used 12 ( who the fuck did I talk to for 12 minutes???)

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

I wish I was alive in the early 1900s just for the drugs. Do you have a sore throat? Take this tonic that has cocaine, morphine, a touch of alcohol and a splash of heroin. You can hear your hair growing? That means it's working.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 months

Finally, a day just for fools. This holiday was made for me.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 months

I just heard someone refer to Texas as "Howdy Arabia" and I still haven't stopped laughing.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

I'm thinking of putting my will to live in a bag of rice overnight.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

Do a wellness check on me if I ever stop calling this place Twitter.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

I'm a straight guy but if I ever hug another guy and he say's "no homo" then I'm going in for a kiss and whispering "no homophobia".

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

I want to make bath bombs that look like miniature toasters.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

9 months

Them: Dont give money to homeless people. They'll probably just spend it on booze or dope. Me: If it helps them cope, then who cares? It's none of my business how they spend my gift to them. I just hope it makes their lives easier even if it's just a little respite.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 months

Who wants to help me break her out of prison?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 years

Has 2020 been the worst year of your life so far?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

How fucking high was the inventor of the accordion?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

2 months

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

I just looked up my symptoms on WebMD, and apparently, I'm insane in the membrane.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

2 years

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it's fully grown.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 months

Stop putting sirens in music. Sincerely, stoners.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

1 year

I feel seen.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 years

Do you know what people dont mind? Unsolicited dog pics. Let's make that a thing instead.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 months

I beg your Parton? I'll ride or die for Dolly. Who's with me?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 years

OREGON TRAIL 2019: You've died of the measles because your asshole neighbor listened to junk science instead of vaccinating her kids.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 months

Whoever decided to spell subtle like that was a jerk.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 months

Jefferson Starship: we built this city on rock and roll. Building inspector: you did what now?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 months

Why do so many so-called "alpha males" seem to hate women?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

8 months

Boss: introducing the Ford prostitute. Assistant: Ford escort sounds better.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

I want to offer my services as a male escort. No sex. I only offer going to your family gathering and making it so awkward they never invite you back.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 months

What if you get to hell, and it's just a Walmart?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 months

My best pal crossed the rainbow bridge this afternoon. Now, my Sage is reunited with my Mom in eternal paradise. I'm going to miss you forever, buddy. Take care of mom until I see you both again.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 years

Why can't someone start a cult where they just go around fixing potholes?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

10 months

That motherfucker is NOT real!

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 years

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

2 years

For the five millionth time It's "Couldn't care less." not "Could care less." Also irregardless isn't a fucking word either. Feel free to add some of your pet peeves onto this list.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

Her: I'm an Instagram model. Me: I'm a Twitter author.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

I'm beginning to suspect this site has nothing to do with ornithology.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

Fuck having a butler. I want to be able to have someone pee for me in the middle of the night.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail? Taco bail.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

Chicago doesn't play when it comes to the condiments it puts on hotdogs.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 years

Someone told me to stop being depressed the other day. Now my depression is cured. Thank you random stranger.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

Orion's belt is so so as far as constellations go. I give it three stars.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 years

Marijuana is a gateway drug? If I smoke pot the only thing I want to do is eat and smoke more pot. If I drank a half bottle of whiskey you could talk me into doing an 8 ball off a hooker's left ass cheek.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

1 month

The number of conservatives who are openly mocking Tim Walz son tells you everything you need to know about them.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

If I was named Seth, I would deal meth just so people called me Crystal Seth.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

1 year

@TheScottMillen I'll say a toast to Marcia tonight. Hopefully she's hanging out with my mom now.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 months

I heard someone call the cyber truck an "Incel-Camino" and it's the best description ever.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

If your mom is still around, give her an extra squeeze for those of us who will never be able to hug our own moms ever again. Thank you in advance. ❤️

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 years

#mymomalwaystoldme That she loves me. Those are the last words she spoke to me the day she left this planet for good. I love you and miss you so much mom. Until I see you again. I hope that you're proud of me.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 years

Whoever invented fun size candy bars sucks at having fun.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 years

Tom Cruise talks a lot of shit for someone who can't legally ride a rollercoaster.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 years

What's the correct ratio of gunpowder to essential oils? I want this bath bomb to be perfect.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

Me (lighting fifth stick of incense): these sparklers suck.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

11 months

If Stephen King has taught me anything it's to stay the fuck out of Maine.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

I'm a sucker for girls that acknowledge my existence.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 years

Guy Fieri looks like he's still trying to find his way home from a Sugar Ray concert in the late 90s.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 months

Walmart greeters should be allowed to tase five random customers a day.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

8 months

Thirst trap would be an excellent name for a bar.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 years

Did anyone suggest turning his marriage off and then on again to Bill Gates?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

They should make a " Life Alert " button for sad people. When you press the button someone shows up to give you a hug and tell you everything will be OK.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 years

#AndThatsWhyWeCantBeFriends You still support trump and his bigoted, sexist , egotistical behavior.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 years

@ABC7NY @xo_itzanito She's been found safe

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 years

@DarkSoulNight @Caissie @prince Trump using Prince music should be an impeachable offense.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 years

I see Bill Cosby is trending. Unfortunately he's not trending for being sent back to prison for the rest of his life.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

8 months

A snowstorm at ten years old: Let's build a snow fort! A snowstorm at forty-five: I hope I survive shoveling the driveway.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

Am I pissed my dad's been gone for 25 years going to the store for "cigarettes"? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

Why do I prefer Twitter to Facebook? Twitter never says " Good morning buddy, remember that time when your mom died? I do. Let's share! "

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 years

I went to get my dog vaccinated for rabies and they detected a heart anomaly. He's on medication now to stop the enlargement of his heart. I can't catch a fucking break lately. Send my boy some good vibes please.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

4 months

I'm sorry you hate women. You need therapy, not a Twitter account.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

2 years

I'm old enough to remember when it was physically impossible to eat 15 dollars worth of Taco Bell.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 years

34 years ago today Queen rocked the stage at Wembley Stadium for Live Aid. One of the best live performances of any band ever. If you ever wonder if there is a higher power listen to Freddie Mercury sing anything. He was a gift to the world.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

1 year

I hate people that ask you if you want a drink and then make a huge deal about it if you decline. Are you really going to make me say that I'm sober? I don't want to discuss my sobriety every time I'm with people. Just take no for an answer the first time.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

The moral of Forrest Gump was that if you put your crush on a pedestal, they'll finally settle for you once they've exhausted all other options.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

7 years

I'm a hypocrite. I leash my son as well. Sage say hi.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

It's amazing how the human mind works. Some days it has you thinking that these might be the best days of your life and the next it has you believing that you are the absolute lowest piece of shit.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 months

I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Does anyone else feel this way from time to time?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 months

Who wants to road trips old route 66 with me? Start in Chicago and end up in California. I really want to do this. Before everything is gone for good.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

When depression hits me its like a hollow numbness in my chest that feels like you could hit it with a bat and feel nothing. Then something as simple as a smile and an " Are you OK? " starts to bring feeling back. Check on someone if you're concerned. You could save a life.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 years

Her: do you have abs? Me: if abs is short for abnormalities then yes.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

Ladies is your man acting like a dick? S.o T.ake A. B.reather H.elps I.n M.ultitudes Subliminally speaking.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

9 months

I'm afraid my best friend Sage is in his final weeks. I'm so fucking sad right now.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 years

The masculine urge to die instead of going to the E.R.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

2 years

Baby Jessica is trending. Finally a day on the internet where I don't feel like the weird old guy at the party. Finally people my age have arrived!

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 months

The line for the barbecue is the barbequeue.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

10 months

If carbs were so bad for us why is Jesus made of them?

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

Kindergarten Cop is Arnold Schwarzeneggers best movie. Please @ me.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

3 months

The Cybertruck is a Pontiac Aztek for rich people.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

What does Spider-Man call his underwear? Peter Parkers. You can unfollow now.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

8 months

I'm pretty sure I'm one of the only people left in the United States who hasn't had Covid.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

Am I the only one that cant stand when supervisors yell at employees in front of customers? Take it to the back if you have to but public humiliation doesn't make a better employee. Businesses lose me as a customer over this.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

5 months

I know she had a difficult life, but Jenny in Forrest Gump was kind of awful.

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Destry

@DestryBrod

6 years

What do vegan zombies eat? Brans. Has this already been done? Idgaf anymore. I'm writing tweets not researching a fucking term paper.

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