In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My daughter is searching the entire house for a false eyelash.
I’m saying nothing but feeling paranoid because it’s staring out of the Dyson at me.
I sucked it up this morning thinking it was a dead spider.
#parenting
Woman is on the platform shouting at her husband. He’s on the train looking at her through the glass:
“YOU’RE ON THE WRONG TRAIN BOB”. She yells at everyone standing on the platform “HE’S ON THE WRONG TRAIN”.
Husband shouts through the glass “I’M ON THE RIGHT TRAIN BERYL”.
Woke up to discover this internet shopping suggestion - apparently chosen for me based on a previous purchase.
The last thing I bought online was a light bulb for the oven.
Dad has been talking about the magician and his tricks non stop since we got home. He has forgotten about his illness for a little while.
Imagine if, like the stranger today, we all spread a little magic each day. Wouldn’t the world be a better place?
My sister adores her cat. Turns out she’s not the only one.
Today, he arrived home with a new collar in which she found this tiny note from a stranger.
#Caturday
Something magical happened today.
I took dad to see the doctor. As we waited, a guy, about 40, reached into his bag for a pack of cards.
He asked dad if he wanted to see a magic trick.
Dad nodded slowly.
The guy did a card trick. Dad didn’t react.
Just bought a tin of travel sweets for the car.
According to my sister this purchase is a sign that I am middle aged.
What other signs are out there that I don’t know about?
Just explaining to my daughter that when I was her age I spent a lot of time standing in a phone box, calling ‘Dial A Disc’ and listening to the latest pop songs because there was nothing else to do in the village.
She’s Googling it in disbelief.
As the storm hits Ireland I find myself about to get on a plane in windy Dublin.
American woman in front turns to me:
“Let’s hope it’s not too crashy”
Me: “CRASHY?”
Her: “Bumpy. I meant BUMPY”
‘CRASHY’?
#PanicDay
#Ireland
#stormlorenzo
Just attempted a deep and meaningful conversation with dad:
Me: “What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?”
Dad: “Never whistle with a mouth full of custard”
Twenty years ago, she was my patient, I was her nurse.
She insisted that I meet her son. So I did.
Reader, I married him.
Today I held Ramona’s hand as she slipped away.
My beloved mother in law.
Thank you.
Rest in peace.
My teenage son is making dinner for the first time and following a Jamie Oliver recipe for BBQ ribs.
He’s just brought in the recipe book and asked “What’s ‘freshly’ and do we have any?”
Because we all love a happy ending....
Last week, this crocheted masterpiece was stolen from the Kildare Yarn Bomb in Newbridge.
Today he was returned in a brown paper bag, with a note attached
#HandmadeHour
I’m in the Irish language secondary school today and have just discovered that the Irish for ‘freckles’ is ‘Póigíní gréine’.
Translated, ‘Póigíní gréine’ means ‘little kisses of the sun’.
#FridayFacts
We’re in The Playwright pub in Kilkenny. Seven nuns have just walked in and are standing at the bar and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so Irish.
He told me that he has Crohn’s Disease. He is always tired, in pain - so weak he can’t work. He lives next to the surgery. The only joy in his life is on Monday afternoons when he goes to see the doctor, meet people and do magic for other patients.
Hysterectomy went well - now time for what’s called a ‘light supper’.
They’ve brought me a slice of bread and a small wrapped frozen butter portion which I have slipped under my left buttock to soften.
#Hystersister
Parting with my uterus and ovaries in 48 hours.
My son asked what he can do to help so I said “get rid of the shed” and now he’s demolishing the shed with a sledgehammer.
This is a perk that I didn’t see coming.
#HysterSister
The Irish postal service has given every household two postcards - to be delivered anywhere in Ireland free of charge.
Such a lovely gesture
#anpost
#Ireland
Delighted that the man who once described Meghan Markle as ‘every broadcaster's worst nightmare' has been sacked for being every broadcaster’s worst nightmare
#sadlittleman
#DanWootton
#SussexSquad
This time tomorrow I shall have a new hip.
Now I’m manically baking, tidying, painting doors, cleaning the cupboard under the sink - ANYTHING apart from preparing the surgery site with an antiseptic solution
#HipHipHOORAY
From Garda Síochána Laois Offaly:
Elderly man out walking his dog last night fell into a ditch and couldn’t get out.
Jack the dog stayed by his side and showed Gardaí where he was. When ambulance arrived Jack wouldn’t rest unless he could see him
#dogs
My son just came in and told his dad that he needs a lift into town tomorrow and left again without noticing that it’s not his dad on the sofa but a big toy chimpanzee in a woolly green hat that I’m working on for the parade tomorrow
#StPatricksDay
My sister works in ITU.
Wears a face mask that gives her blisters.
Stays with a patient for 5 hours at a time without a break for a drink or the bathroom.
The heat is exhausting.
She says clapping makes no difference to her day.
Staying at home does.
6/ Guard: “This train is going to Ore”
Beryl: “Are you sure?”
Bob waves at Beryl through the glass.
Guard speaks into walkie talkie, door opens. Beryl climbs onboard.
Bob: “See? This is the right train”
Beryl: “Shut up you”
Train pulls off.
My daughter has a new boyfriend. Not saying he’s perfect but he just arrived with a chainsaw and a sledgehammer asking if there were any jobs that I needed doing.
Our darling Honey has passed away. She was the smallest dog with the biggest heart.
She spent the first half of her life on a puppy farm, the second half with us. She was nothing but gentle and kind.
Goodbye little friend.
#AdoptDontShop
“You don’t have the patience to grow tomatoes” they said. “You don’t have green-fingers” they said. “You’ll forget to water them” they said.
So it took a pandemic BUT LOOK AT ME NOW
#TomatoTuesday
Evening joke from my son:
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen a man was frying chips.
I asked him “Are you the friar?”
He replied “No, I’m the chip monk”
My sister (ITU nurse) finished work last night and walked by a local park on her way home.
At 8pm it was crowded. No social distancing, no masks or gloves.
Then they clapped for the carers.
She’s exhausted,
“People don’t get it do they?”
#COVIDIDIOTS