dave wagner @Dbwagner104 Twitter profile

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

It should be illegal to try to move your cat out of frame during a Zoom meeting

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying " awww, pobrecita chancleta" (literally, "poor little flip-flop"). he's never living this down

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

my cat has no responsibilities, but all day he walks around the house from room to room with this utter sense of purpose, as if he has an endless to-do list of tasks no one asked for. just this weird small furry dude going about his little cat errands.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 months

i saw "independence day" in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

i went to a cat cafe today and all the cats were existing peacefully in their cozy cat utopia except for one ridiculous orange boy who made it his mission to fling his whole body at every other cat who was receiving any attention at all and i was like, yup, on brand

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

one time a vet tried to give Sandal a shot. Sandal escaped from the large tech holding him, & then proceeded to run into and OCCUPY the clinic's break room. he refused to let anyone in until i drove from work to get him. the tech simply shook his head & said, "he's very strong."

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

My cat is always his own best advocate. One time, mere minutes after he had just eaten, this guy meowed 147 times in one hour (i counted) before we gave up and just gave him more food. I admire his persistence, even as it chips away at my will to live.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

8 months

orange cats are great, but it is important that we all recognize that every one of them would gleefully recline their seat on an airplane all the way back if they could, without feeling bad about it at all

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

5 years

The University of Michigan has instituted a cruel policy forcing students who file complaints of sexual assault to be cross-examined by the alleged perpetrators of the crime. In person. This policy is absurd and traumatizing. It will only deter survivors from making reports.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 months

if you're playing with a cat correctly, you'll be working roughly 900 times harder than the cat. 99% of the effort must be yours. playing with cats is not about exercise, it's about drama. And cats are harsh critics. they need to BELIEVE that plush banana is afraid for its life.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

every night, Sandal gets in bed first and does this. literally the most intrusive manner in which he could choose to sleep on our bed with us. i'm being trolled by an 18-pound furry orange dude on a nightly basis and i'm helpless to stop him because he's too adorable.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

4 months

do not touch the paw. you think he wants you to touch the paw. his face is, after all, quite earnest. you are mistaken. he's tricking you. this is sophisticated cat stuff. seriously, don't buy the ticket to this ride. you're going to try to touch the paw, aren't you

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

7 months

a stray cat often comes to our screen door and hisses at Sandal. but she's not mean: she's scared. she's had a tough life and Sandal is big. but yesterday, Sandal saw through it. he ignored the hissing. he sat there until they were friends. this orange boy will save the world.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

i get frustrated by how my cat acts at the vet. but honestly, if anything he's being really reasonable considering that his best friend has brought him against his will to a stranger who takes his blood, pokes at him, and criticizes his weight for some unknown reason

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

9 months

while i was working today, my cat jumped on the desk, immediately knocked everything over for no reason, and then somehow collapsed on top of every single item i needed to use. he did all of this in under 30 seconds. incredible efficiency. a perfect animal.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

i told Sandal that millions of cats are brushed against their will every day and that the people who do it aren't even in jail. this is the moment he realized life is not fair

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

9 months

people say an awful lot of dumb things on this site. instead of getting angry at them, consider looking at this cat. look at his serious little face. look at how orange he is. he could not be more orange. look at him. are you still angry? if you are, keep looking at him.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

9 months

when i stand up and leave a room, my cat acts like he has to also get up. he is very resentful about this. like he has to rearrange his whole day to compensate. he was safe. he was happy. now this! the big dream of all cats is for us to just stay in the same room all the time.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

it's important to start every day by petting your cat's little head and telling them that they're doing a great job of being a cat, they value this kind of feedback

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

10 months

i went on vacation for a couple of days and, despite having an excellent cat sitter, Sandal has determined this must never happen again. he is ensuring this by laying on top of me at all times. i no longer have the ability to move. this is what effective activism looks like.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

5 months

imagine you are a cat. you have no money. you cannot buy food at a store. you can only eat what a strange person gives you. they speak to you in a high-pitched voice and pick you up. your whole body is built for chaos and murder. i'm just saying. what are you planning.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

10 months

Sandal is struggling with the concept of Halloween. why would he want to pretend to be anything other than Sandal? incomprehensible; foolish.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

4 months

i have lived in the same house for seven years and somehow my cat still finds new hiding places that i cannot find. this is not a large place and he is quite a large cat. yet every few months, i spend about twenty minutes looking for him. how does he do this?

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

5 months

my cat saw 7 brand new fox babies in our yard this morning. despite both fox parents being present, he's not entirely sure he isn't somehow responsible for taking care of these small creatures and i think the uncertainty is gradually destroying his brain

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

sometimes my cat will walk around the house meowing loudly and mournfully from room to room for minutes and we're like, "what is this epic tale of loss he's trying to tell," and it turns out he just wanted to let us know he used the litter box

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

5 years

This morning, Virginia Senator Amanda Chase (R) told her constituents from her Facebook page that "it's those who are naive and unprepared who end [up] raped." The most hideous and blatant victim-blaming of survivors imaginable. This hasn't gone national yet. Let's change that.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

Sandal met a new feral cat who was clearly very interested in him: and why wouldn't she be, he is a prosperous bachelor with a lot going for him. But he did not reciprocate. Sandal is a legendary breaker of hearts. he does not seek romance, only truth. and tubes of fish paste.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

contrary to sandal's best efforts, the doritos remain entombed inside a tough plastic bag he cannot hope to penetrate. does the world contain any beauty at all, he wonders

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

4 years

A CBS poll indicates that 57% of Republicans believe the 176k Coronavirus deaths to be "acceptable" losses. It's been clear for decades that the GOP is fine with letting the most vulnerable people in our nation suffer & die unnecessarily, but this is still stark & disgusting.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

so i set up an instagram for Sandal some time ago. i looked at his dms today and he had like 30 messages from pet brands who wanted to sponsor him. it's neat, but i don't think i really needed to know that my cat could easily have a more successful career than me

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

Sandal often starts walking somewhere, then changes his mind seconds later and lays down. he has realized walking isn't fun, and that more walking won't be fun either. cats know they don't like unpleasant things and shouldn't do them. this is why they are smarter than us.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

4 years

UNC-Chapel Hill just ended their experiment with in-person, on-campus instruction after less than a week because of 135 new COVID cases. We are not ready for this, folks. Stop trying to make in-person learning happen during a pandemic.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

10 months

little known fact: cats absorb knowledge merely by laying on documents or books. it's why they do it. the so-called "experts" will deny this truth, even to your face. but look at this boy. this is a cat who has learned too much and can now see time.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

We could all learn a lot about enforcing our own boundaries from cats. Check out my cat's palpable disgust and rage when I pet his head even one single time more than he wanted #Caturday

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

my cat and i have a delightful game: 1) he sees me use the computer, 2) he sprawls on my lap, 3) he becomes inexplicably Very Angry that i continue to use the computer, and 4) he attacks my hands & leaves. i do not know the rules of this game, but i have definitely never won it.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

one thing i didn't realize when i first got cats was that, for them, "playing" is basically a form of performance art, where i am expected to put on an oscar-caliber acting display to make a grumpy furry fellow excited to play with his own toys

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

sandal looking at me rn like "are you set? did you get enough CONTENT from my life for your TWITTER, dad?"

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

11 months

you wake up with a giant orange cat face above you. you are being judged. at first, you can't imagine your crime. then it occurs to you: his crunchies. they have been in his bowl for three hours. their flavor is no longer ideal. your fate is sealed. you are doomed.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

6 months

a cat would never lose $50k to a scam artist. for one thing, they have no money. for another, if cats could talk, they'd love to say "no" to things. they'd just say "no" all day long. no one has ever loved anything as much as cats love refusing to do things you want them to do.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 months

"morals of an alleycat?" how dare you. my DAD was an alleycat.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

3 years

Fez just sneezed in his sleep and woke himself up and has decided it was somehow all my fault

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

10 months

my cat saw a leaf blow outside. this was all it took. it instantly broke something in his brain. he ran across the room, pupils wider than canyons, while yowling. then he flopped on his back and stared at me. this makes more sense than anything i've seen in the news all week.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

when Sandal was a kitten, four of him could have fit in this basket simultaneously and comfortably. obviously, baskets are now shrinking of their own accord. no one is talking about this. everybody should be. who benefits from these shrinking baskets? why are they doing this

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

at first i thought she was saying "chunkletta," and tbh i was like, "okay okay, judgmental but fair"

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

10 months

there are now several stray cats seeking to court Sandal through our window. an endless stream of, frankly, quite aggressive ladies meowing poetry at this evidently prosperous orange boy, who slumbers indifferently through their invitations. we are under siege, please send help.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 month

Pobrecita Chancleta will tolerate no disparagement of cat ladies: "childless" or otherwise. not on his watch. he did not start this culture war, but by god he shall finish it

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 months

you'll often see a cat's ear twitch for no reason. that's because a ghost is talking to them. ghosts talk to cats constantly. they never shut up. that's why cats are so tired all the time. some random dead Victorian dude won't stop telling them how much mutton costs in 1872.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

8 months

no one talks about the damage sun beams have done to catkind. cats are helpless against their power. this boy, for instance, is obviously a deep thinker. imagine the discoveries of which he is capable. but it is not to be. his brain is imprisoned behind bars of sunlight.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

10 months

Sandal is committed to never feeling any inconvenience. he meows at me when he's bored. when it's noisy. when it's windy out. he does not stop until conditions change. we should all be so certain we deserve comfort, and that a lack of it should become someone else's problem.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 months

i know nothing about whoever put their litter-covered paw in your coffee. i have no idea who is behind it. some of the things they're doing are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal. anything they do, i wish them luck, but i have nothing to do with them.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

10 months

the reason cats are no longer allowed to vote is because they all just wrote in their own names. for decades, they did this. absolute chaos. millions of cats, each earning one vote. plus, they'd get ink all over their paws. a mess. this stuff is in books, people.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

we give our cat progressively larger boxes to lounge in, so that he has the illusion that he's really successful at his cat tasks and is upwardly mobile as a result. this big guy is living the dream and moving on up to a lifestyle his cat parents couldn't even imagine!

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

this is how he sleeps next to me while i work to buy him treats. all day. look at how pleased with himself he is

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

Sandal has so much contempt for the exploitation inherent in the 8-hour human workday that today he snored so loudly it could be heard on an important work call on Zoom: on the other side of the room. this was not one loud snore: it was over many minutes. a true hero for labor.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

5 months

here is pobrecita chancleta a couple weeks older. i've said this before, but originally we were only going to adopt one kitten, and had picked out Sandal's brother. Sandal said "nah" and climbed on top of me and refused to move until we decided he could come with us, too.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

5 months

no. i don't think i will accept your Teams meeting request.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

one time a vet convinced us to give Sandal fewer treats. "he'll get used to it," we thought. he did not. he decided we would not sleep again unless he got his crunchies. Sandal knows a crucial truth: just because you CAN get used to almost anything doesn't mean you SHOULD.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

3 months

his one brain cell is entirely and intensely focused on convincing people to pet his belly so that he can respond by unexpectedly punching them in the face. he acts so aggrieved when it doesn't work, as if unprovoked violence is his right as a cat

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

if anyone has ever wondered if @jortsthecat is an actual cat or a person pretending to be a cat, i would like to note that he dm'd me at 3 am last night to complain about nothing. this is the most on-brand cat behavior ever. case closed.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

many crimes. zero indictments.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

5 months

many years ago, Sandal was a small boy. one of six kittens. this is Pobrecita Chancleta at a mere one week old. look at the toe beans. look at them. a tiny boy who would go on to devour the world (probably)

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

9 months

you can see the wheels in his tiny cat brain turning. awe-inspiring. the staggering power of the One Collective Orange Braincell focused entirely on creating chaos

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

Sandal doesn't know what an orca is. after a week of hearing fireworks every night, though, he supports the orcas and whatever plans they might have for world conquest. their new world order might be unpredictable or even tyrannical, but maybe it would be quiet

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

no one is ready for this much cat. you may think you are. many people think this. many people are wrong. do you see how much cat this is? just a ridiculous amount of cat, this guy

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

we left Sandal alone in the house for an hour and now he's pissed about how we weren't there for when he saw a bunch of leaves blowing around out the window. i just hope this relationship can be repaired somehow.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

8 months

we live in a sick world. a cynical world. a world where birds would choose to be outside in the cold rather than come inside and be best friends with a large orange cat who is so obsessed with eating that he sometimes bites cardboard out of curiosity. it's just sad, is all.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

11 months

the world is an unmitigated disaster, wherein the worst possible dystopian visions of every piece of fiction have somehow come to pass simultaneously. also, though, here is a picture of pobrecita chancleta climbing on me when he was only a couple weeks old.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

9 months

some people think that when cats meow, they are screaming about their problems. this is false. laughable, even. in truth, they are singing. if you speak cat, the songs are quite beautiful. all of the songs are about how you don't know how to do anything and should be better.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 month

BREAKING: when asked if he will withdraw from the presidential race, Sandal didn't know what the presidential race was but also refused to withdraw from it. he is 1000% committed to stay in this race he does not at all understand and did not know about until a few minutes ago

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

4 years

Several dams have failed in Midland, MI. 11k people are at risk. Downtown could soon be 9 ft underwater. Also, a chemical plant might be in the flood's path. This is what happens when we neglect water infrastructure for decades. A horrific tragedy that should've been prevented.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

i started running every day a few months ago. while it started off awful & unenjoyable, i was determined to get into it. and let me tell you, after a lot of work, sacrifice, and perseverance, i can say with 100% sincerity that running is still absolutely the worst part of my day.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

Sandal knows there is a place where fish come from. he knows fish do not spontaneously appear. he is not a fool. but he could never imagine an ocean. and even if he could imagine an ocean, he certainly would never enter one. have you ever seen a wet cat? undignified. ridiculous.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

11 months

the cumulative experience and wisdom of a million generations of orange cats has led to this creature. a being of utter and perfect chaos, unencumbered by even the slightest bit of brain activity

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

3 years

One time in college I threw a garbage bag into a dumpster and accidentally threw my keys with it. I somehow decided it was less embarrassing to jump into six feet of trash than ask for help. The point: don't feel bad, @JortsTheCat , sometimes people have trashcan mishaps, too.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

10 months

this is Sandal's mom, Penelope, with her six kittens, right after they were born. one of the great single mothers of our time. their dad was a large orange boy who immediately checked out. never even paid child support. typical. brain cell never so much as contemplated a visit.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

3 months

this boy breaks 34 laws A DAY, at a minimum, and has never been convicted even once. skill issue tbh

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

indicted only for excessive handsomeness and charm

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

Sandal just told me that, because i left my chair and he was able to claim it, he is now Dave and i am Sandal. i don't know who made this rule but it is outrageous and we should get rid of it. i don't care how delicious these cat treats are

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

Sorry, work, no Zoom calls today, I stood up for three seconds and this guy made himself at home on my chair and now he's claimed it forever. It would be breaking the law to move him

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

we give this stray cat food almost daily. we love her. she acts like we're her only friends in the whole world. i looked at nextdoor today, and this same cat has been doing this bit with folks in every neighborhood for a mile radius. every day. very proud of her, a+ catting.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 months

this is the face of Pobrecita Chancleta when you're eating chips and not giving him the chips

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

look at these nose freckles. it's very important that you look at them. see them. appreciate them. sandal will know if you're not looking.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

here is a cat who has never received the slightest bit of attention ever, from anyone. just ask him. seriously tragic stuff. #Caturday

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

6 months

"no, sir. i do not bite my toe beans at you, sir. but i do bite my toe beans." -- william shakespurr, probably

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

Sandal says you should stop structuring your life around work. take your vacation time. have that pastry. contort your far-too-large orange body into a small box. roll around on a bathroom mat until it smells like you. okay some of this may be overly specific but it's good stuff

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

imagine. a world where we must toil for 40-80 hours a week to facilitate the existence of a fluffy chaos demon whose life consists of sleep punctuated by feedings of fish paste in a tube. a stark vision of the future. but what if i told you: this is the world we live in today.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

Sandal has an automatic feeder that gives him crunchies every few hours. he doesn't like to eat out of that bowl, though. so each time, we must physically move the crunchies from that bowl to a bowl he likes, or he will meow directly into our ears. be like Sandal. never settle.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

9 months

the self-improvement movement has passed cats by. every single cat believes they are already perfect. they are right, of course. Sandal would not go to a gym. muscles will not help him get more treats or improve his chaos-making. he is shaped like a pineapple and this is fine.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

22 days

Sandal is going to the vet's office rn for a routine appointment. he's spent months thinking about this eventuality: preparing new ways to be uncooperative, innovating new caterwauls. he has never been more ready. may god have mercy on them, for pobrecita chancleta shall not.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

No crunchies, no peace

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

9 months

you had a chair once. you had headphones. he has taken these things. now they are his. absorbed by a lounging orange fluff-dragon with bedhead. there is nothing you can possess that he cannot take away.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

22 days

Sandal is now back from the vet and i'm pretty sure he's been radicalized. he's going to burn down the whole concept of veterinary medicine until all that is left is the mere memory of what once was

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with "oh we're singing now?" and start melodically meowing back at him

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

4 months

for cats, there is no victory as satisfying as throwing a fit and successfully refusing to take medicine that would help you. note the clear sense of purpose in his eyes. the obvious swagger. this boy is convinced he has triumphed over the worst adversity the world can offer.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

4 years

Trump's campaign manager named their 2020 reelection campaign "Death Star." It's an odd choice, considering: 1) 70k real Americans have died under Trump's watch in a month 2) The Empire were... the baddies, & 3) The Death Star is a symbol for hubris that gets blown up. Always.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

Sandal was nice enough to wake me up to tell me that, apparently, there is suddenly a hairball on the comforter and i should probably wash it. he didn't have any other information. he hopes that someday we can find out who did this and bring them to justice.

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

1 year

the birds outside seem wary of Sandal's presence. they do not trust him, and this troubles him. i hope they haven't been taking the fact that he incessantly chases and chews on plush toys that look exactly like them personally, that was never his intention

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

2 years

cats will save twitter. cat accounts will be the ancient ornery rent-controlled tenants who just refuse to let a crumbling building turn into profitable condos against all reason

41

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

9 months

he's dreaming of freeing all the turkeys and creating a dictatorship of the plump, flightless proletariat.

43

172

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dave wagner

@Dbwagner104

3 months

when my cat wants to feel safe, he sleeps in his little cat carrier that i use to take him to the vet. he seems to like this a lot. people don't have anything like this. where is my person-sized carrier? i'm just saying, this isn't fair. i'd like to feel safe, too.

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