ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦 @Davidnolastname Twitter profile

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ↁᎯᨆ⫯ᕍ✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🟧🟦

3 years

Cashier: That will be $82.07. Me: I'd like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this. Cashier: That will be $82.03.

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@Davidnolastname

5 years

What wine pairs well with this dollar store can of apple pie filling?

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@Davidnolastname

4 years

You do not want to be around me when I am going through an Alanis phase.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Remember your Twitter account is for you. You don't owe anyone anything. If you have to mute or block someone, do it. Make your experience here exactly how you want it. You have zero obligations outside of what you owe yourself and your happiness on this dopey app.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I plan on still wearing a mask when the pandemic is over. What about you?

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@Davidnolastname

4 years

The best people don't know they are the best people.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I wonder what my dogs think when I wave at them.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

The louder your car the smaller your wang. It's science.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Thumb your nose at society's norms by breaking spaghetti in half before you boil it.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I don't care if you've been married 8,189,919 years, sit on the same side of the table with your spouse at restaurants.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Never let your ego get to the point where you think you can pull off a mustache.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

It’s like some of you don’t even care I switched toothpastes.

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@Davidnolastname

5 years

I sure wish we could take our arms off before we went to sleep.

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@Davidnolastname

4 years

I think it’s ok if we just pretty much stop body shaming. Deal?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Do you ever listen to a song cuz you don't want to hurt the song's feelings by skipping it?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Hi, my name is Dave and I am going to be starting off all my sentences from now on with "Yeah no."

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

You deserve an "I will notify you if I test positive for an STD" type of love.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

If you think happiness is a competition you're not happy.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Oh no sweetie you shouldn't date someone attractive if you're insecure. Stick to the river and the lakes that you're used to.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Why aren't more cars purple?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Do people who enjoy dark chocolate know that tar exists?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I don't care if we're just friends, I am going to tell you how good you look.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

{Me to my dogs} No more table scraps. (5 seconds later) Here you go.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I think I am going to start cursing more.

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@Davidnolastname

4 years

If you and I were neighbors I would need to borrow so much sugar.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out. Her: Don't go nuts just keep it casual. Me:

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I made tacos tonight. I didn't have cheese. No one died.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I wont pay for sex but I will pay to have my back scratched.

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@Davidnolastname

5 years

No causal shirts this week due to vacation but here’s a video of a baby Archie headed down the stairs.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Time zones, much like clowns and religion, are evil and unnecessary.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

If you have a friend who knows how to listen, like really understands what that concept means. Don't let them go. That trait is really rare.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

You are prescription medication commercial actress hot.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

You deserve a "they insist you take the last slice of pizza" type of love.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

There are times when you just gotta tell certain people “I’m out, peace.” and move on.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I will remove my own spleen before I show you a video of me dancing.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

A solid half of life's poor decisions occur while horny

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Your bio says "owned" and then you have a Cashapp link. Are we supposed to give you money so you can pay for your dom to get his 2003 Kia Spectra fixed?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Apple juice is an underrated juice.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Some of my darkest times have involved Wendy's fries.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

My least favorite holiday tradition is the laughter and happiness my family feels upon seeing how poorly I've wrapped gifts.

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@Davidnolastname

4 years

Nuts have no business in ice cream or brownies.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

It's not that you're boring it's just that you're not entertaining.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Church Administrator: Why are you looking to join our church? Me: I am rude, full of myself and treat others like they are beneath me. CA: And you think church will help these attitudes? Me: What? No. I want to be with like minded people.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Hey hey, look deep in my eyes...I will steal your blanket.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

The only people who don't think it's a clique are the people in the clique.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

There's such a thing as Detroit-style pizza? Hasn't the midwest inflicted enough gastronomic genocide on the world already?

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@Davidnolastname

4 years

I get ready for road trips by stretching out my middle finger.

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@Davidnolastname

2 years

I have a cold. I may be dying. If I don’t make it please know from the depths of my heart that I find you annoying.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

*Christmas Shopping* Cashier: Phone number? Me: *provides number* Cashier: Email? Me: *provides email* Cashier: Zip Code? Me: *provides zip* Cashier: Oh umm what did you order again? Me: Diet coke no ice.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I hate buying someone a gift then having to wait for the appropriate day for them to open it.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

The ole lady and I almost came to blows last night cuz we disagreed on how to make a root beer float. If you try to add the root beer to the ice cream it foams up too much and takes forever to fill up. Simply add the ice cream to the already poured root beer. Right?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Me: He's an attractive man. Them: Are you gay? Me: No. Them: So why do you say he's attractive? Me: Cuz his cock tastes like licorice.

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@Davidnolastname

5 years

Which actor makes you instantly turn the channel when you come across them while flipping? Hugh Grant is obvs disqualified so we can get some variety.

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@Davidnolastname

4 years

To people who eat donuts that are not full of raspberry jelly: Do you know there are donuts full of raspberry jelly?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

There are some people you just don’t want to disappoint.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

She hates it when I take a photo when she has one of her contacts out.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

It's amazing how many of my cat's problems are solved with a sudden 90 ft. jump straight up into the air.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

You always start off with the best of Tupperware intentions but you always wind up with a pantry full of Chinese soup containers which 157 years of Tupperware technology hasn't been able to surpass.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I want you all to know that I'm going a phase in my life where I am calling everyone "boo." I hope we can all get through this together.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Wait, there's such a thing as single digit temperatures?

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@Davidnolastname

5 years

There should be a word for when we forget a word.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity's desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Yeah? You think you're a bigger man than me? Well what kind of nightlight do you have?

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@Davidnolastname

2 years

I am a middle aged man with a favorite pair of underwear.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I bought generic tater tots. Don't be a Dave, buy brand name tater tots. Tater tots are way better when they don't taste like freezer.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Where it all went wrong Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person. Her: Is that what you want?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Don't get into situations that can offset your sparkle. Keep. Your. Sparkle.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

The only regret I have about having kids is having kids.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I did not say you were chubby or ugly. I said you were chugly.

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@Davidnolastname

2 years

Why is 84 degrees hotter than it used to be?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

A notice to the old timers: Life wasn't better back in the old days. Music wasn't better back in the old days. I saw you take those Sweet'n Low packets.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Dear Restaurants, For pickup orders please continue to pack the salads right next to the scalding hot soups and stir fries. Thank you, A helpful patron

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

The first thing white people need to understand about being black in America is that they will never understand what it is like to be black in America.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

You can not break the truly good and loving. You can hurt but the people of pure of heart will bounce back.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I had a nightmare I was living in a world where everything was white and beige, then I realized I was actually awake in The Gap.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Her: Can you buy me some ice cream? [six months later] Me: (chisels through untouched ice cream and polishes it off) [twenty minutes later] Her: Can I have some of that ice cream you bought me?

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

We go together like Taco Bell and intestinal distress.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Twitter friendships are, shall we say, fluid.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I am sorry if my recipe for cream corn is different than yours.

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@Davidnolastname

2 years

Day in and day out I am constantly amazed at how immature all of you are but in the best possible way.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Always have the most ridiculous opinions on the most inane subjects.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

What's the fun of having friends if they aren't half insane.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I am sorry I called you a controlling lunatic but to be fair...to be fair...you are.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

There will be a last time you pick up each one of your children and you'll never know or even think about when it will occur.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Sometimes ill open and close my blinds really fast to make the neighbors think I am sending coded messages to my Russian handlers.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Take advantage of your spouse's OCD by tell them a picture frame looks crooked when they annoy you or when you simply want some free time.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

You'd think the neighbors wouldn't be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

The right person for you would never put up with your crap.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Don't let your righteousness get in the way of your empathy.

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@Davidnolastname

4 years

I had a piece of cake and I am now 300 pounds.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Stay in your box, people. Your friends don’t like you unless you act exactly how they expect you to act.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Things are never the same once she asks for a picture of your wife.

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@Davidnolastname

4 years

He/she who controls the car stereo controls the universe.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I always wonder why pretty people are insecure then I remember I'm insecure.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Let's talk about your hygiene…you're gross.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

I want to master something like Wendy's has mastered making their fries limp and soggy 2 seconds after being removed from the fryer.

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@Davidnolastname

2 years

You know you're old when you lose your shit upon running across some 70's Pyrex.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Ok kids it's holiday time which means it's a tough time of the year for a lot of folks. Don't forget to check in on your friends that have it tough this year. A quick "hey sup, buttface?" goes a long way.

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@Davidnolastname

3 years

Where do gnats hang out when it hasn't just rained?

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