Dana Moon @DanaMoonme Twitter profile

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Dana Moon

2 years

Comedy Clubs will be like we have a drop-in celebrity mystery guest tonight and it’s always a comic who’s a sex offender

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

9 years

Shout out to my Denist office

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

Anxious in the streets. Over thinker in the sheets.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

Dating is a mind fuck because it's basically an interview to see if someone you don't know will be your best friend and also inside of you.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

My love language is you being obsessed with me but also leaving me alone.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

When I got out of prison and finally got my life together

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

I just came back from a military tour and the first thing my family asked wasn’t about the shows, the travel or myself- it was if I met a man.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

when ur 47 & still a virgin

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Before sex Me: I want to dim the lights Guy: but you’re body is good Me: I know, it’s for you

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

1 year

elon can I borrow 100 mill and/or can you give me creator credit???

Elon Musk

@elonmusk

1 year

@goth600 This is a gem

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

Guy after a show told me he would never date me because I am too self deprecating I told him I would never date him because he’s wearing a velvet suit to a comedy club in August heat.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Guy told me I was “too quiet in bed” to prove him wrong next time we hooked up I brought an air horn into the bedroom and really rocked his world (he’s deaf now)

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

9 years

Home sweet get me the fuck out of here.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

3 years

Guys you dated will be like I didn’t know you had a problem with alcohol I never saw you drunk??? and you’re like literally every time we hooked up I was black out

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

3 years

I love having a boyfriend because I get to focus on all of his flaws instead of my own

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

Meet the best real estate agent in western Pennsylvania, Joyce!

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

EVERYONE IN LA IS A FAKE ASS HO *goes on a hike* Wow I love this city it’s full of magic and amazing people.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

A man just asked me to come over and make him drinks in lingerie for 5k when I said no he changed it to 10k and now 50k. Honestly, I would but I don’t think I could trust a man who is THIS bad at negotiating.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

My ex-boyfriend from eighth grade is liking all my Facebook posts… he tryna fuck?

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

Ya girl is on @netflix go stream episode 5 to see me lose my mind. #NailedIt

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

My self esteem is so low right now that I sexted with a magician last night.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

IM AN INFLUENCER NOW!!!!!!

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

3 years

A lot of relationships about to end when the girls realize his dick isn’t good enough to be worth 7 dollars a gallon

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

I just farted in public and a guy said "bless you" like I just sneezed.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

READY FOR MY OWN BAKING SHOW WHEN YOU ARE @netflix 😉

Netflix Canada

@Netflix_CA

7 years

Dana Moon was the Nailed It contestant we all related to most

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Desperately seeking approval from someone who will never give it to me is my favorite silent game to play when I’m with family.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

DTF all of the men who attended The Women's March.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

It’s good to cut out toxic people from your life. I just cut out all my family members who don’t have industry connects and who can’t help my career. Bye, Mom.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Booked flight home for Christmas 2. Got into fight with family 3. Cancelled flight

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Self Sabatoge: u up? Me: for you, always

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

Why spend 800 dollars on a weighted blanket for anxiety when you can date a fat guy and make him lay on you for free.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

3 years

#Loveisblind If shaina met jessica from szn1

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

A Sexuality coach told me that I need to “make friends” with my vagina. I told her that I cannot befriend someone I don’t trust.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

If you fuck up you can always use "sorry, I'm on a spiritual journey" and it will get you out of anything.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

I hate to brag but I just spent an hour doing my make up for an audition where they made me put a mask on.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

"It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again" #FamousMelaniaTrumpQuote

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

4 years

Ariana Grande been engaged more times Ive been in a relationship

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Every public restroom can be gender neutral if you start peeing anywhere you want.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Girl: “I just don’t know why people don’t take me seriously in comedy!” *posts topless pic, bare butt AND asshole on IG*

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

Lounging around in the nude today. am I @chrissyteigen yet

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

Funny how I’m taller than every guy who’s 5’9 and I’m 5’8...

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

The government is shut down but this ass is open 4 Christmas. Come one come all #GovernmentShutdown

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Apparently someone at a show got offended by one of my “molestation jokes.” Let me be clear, I don’t have any molestation jokes. I have jokes about creepy old men hitting on me when I was young. If you interpret that as molestation that’s on you.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

When my ex and I broke up he told me that I would be alone forever but successful and I was like Oh. My. God. You really think I’m going to be successful?

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

4 years

i’m depressed again and made a meme

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

My favorite sex position is when a guy pins my tweet.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

Is it just me or is everyone horny from this quarantine?

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

Is there an emoji for when you were little and Dad got too drunk and took you to Pizza Hut and then the waitress took his keys.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

If president JFK lived during the internet his twitter would just be him posting hot selfies and America would be like “Wow, he’s doing such a great job!”

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

I’m so high right now that I’m making everyone call me “Mama Drug-Drug” and nobody is here. Wait, who have I been talking to?

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

Told my Mom I went on a really fun date and she replied, “that’s great and all but you need to watch out because most men are cons.”

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

Just saw a man on a motorcycle texting. The world is ending.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

So excited to announce that I am cast in the new peloton commercial #pelotoncommercial #Peloton

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

3 years

I didn’t realize I had a type until I went to an AA meeting and saw all my exes

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

Good news! My period started it's own clothing line!

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

Whenever I start dating someone new I like to scroll thru their FB and comment "you're mine forever" on every single pic.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

Let’s all keep it simple. Shall we Men respect Men Women respect Women Men respect Women Women respect Men Human respect Human Repeat until end of time.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

My favorite thing to do when I’m dating is act super normal in the beginning and then three months in I put on a wig and sprint around the house naked, screaming “THIS IS THE REAL ME, BITCH!”

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Literally will get in a relationship with ANYONE just so my sister will stop sending me single girl Memes every day.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

I’m really happy my Mom remarried. She has the type of relationship where he says “if she’s not happy, I’m not happy” and she says “if he’s not happy, I’m not happy.” Both of them are never happy but they’re on the same page and honestly that’s love.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

Happy “Moon-day!” Check out this episode w/ hilarious @SalVulcano from @truTVjokers . We discuss pork jowls, never before seen pranks from the show, Sal’s pet peeves, weird high school memories AND SO MUCH MORE!

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

4 years

guys i’m mentally not well lol

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

Therapist: you need to connect to your higher self. Me: my higher self is busy fucking John Mayer Therapist: don’t do jokes right now.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

3 years

I’m a comedian it’s a character/joke please don’t hate me you’re my hero forever sistaaasss

bettemidler

@BetteMidler

3 years

Hahahahaha! Morons really “R” US! The vaccine is too scary, but the shit you pump in your mouth is FIIINNE!

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

My Uncle just texted me a joke about a “Dad jerking off in front of his son” with no punchline and asked if I want to put it in my act MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM MY FAMILY TO YOURS!

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Not to brag but I barely fucked this year #2018

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

JUST CAUGHT AN OLD LADY FROM FALLING DOWN ON THE SUBWAY!! I WAS LOOKING FOR A SIGN TO MOVE TO NYC AND OBVIOUSLY THIS IS IT.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

I want to have the strength to post on social media and not check on the likes every 5 seconds.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

You ever have so much anxiety you feel like you’re dying and you’re like THANK GOD but you keep living and it doesn’t stop you’re like FUCK! ...is this too dark

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

Married friend: how’s dating going? Me: how’s having sex with the same person forever going?

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

3 years

Turns out if you date someone who’s blocked by all their exes there’s a reason!!!

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Friend: Do one thing that scares you a day Me: I already wake up, so I’m good

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Talked to cats 2. Danced for cats 3. Told my friends I cannot hang out bc I’m busy

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

What’s it like dating in LA? Well last guy I slept with I saged him from head to toe bc he had weird energy and the sex was pretty good but then we never spoke again.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

9 years

Before I die I want to convince everyone that I've never been here and that I only existed in their mind.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

What’s it like being a woman? Well I just got mad at something that happened 7 years ago and not to me.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

I’m so single that I’m the first person my friends think of when they need a cat sitter.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

3 years

Attention people in LA it’s not called “hiring” if you’re not “paying” Thanks and god bless

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Please send lots of love I’m going through a rough breakup with a guy ( I dated in my head)

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

I got rejected by a guy today but who cares because I got four thanksgiving invites! WHO NEEDS A MAN WHEN YOU GOT FOUR THANKSGIVINGS!? *unbuckles pants* *sobs into a plate of stuffing*

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

To get more likes on your Facebook posts. #WrongReasonToHaveKids

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

4 years

Trying to get to the bottom of these #ArmieHammer dms by going directly to the source

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

ATT: comedians who step on others and hurt people to get ahead in your career. Friendly reminder, we are in the business of bringing people joy. You’re doing it all wrong.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Since I’m not doing the #10yearchallenge I’m starting the #breastfeedacatchallenge I challenge you @arielsnotamermaid to breastfeed your cat. Nominate your friends to do the same

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

9 years

I'm crying in this Walgreens parking lot like a mother fucking boss. #TURNUP

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

I found Grinch porn and my holidays are officially complete!

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

3 years

I partied sober with drunk girls on a bachelorette for 9 hours where is my medal of honor

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Last night a man showed me all his dead moose pics and it honestly felt more violating than getting an unsolicited dick pic. #Alaska

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

5 years

Anyone who says dating is fun is a psychopath and must be burned at the stake.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

Life’s too short to not have sex with every person you want to.... unless the person says no, then you definitely cannot.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

I went to a party last night and left my phone at home it was the most fun I’ve ever had at a party.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

8 years

With that DIIYACK

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

IM NOT MASTURBATING TO PICTURES OF MY CRUSH ONLINE. I AM VISUALIZING AND MANIFESTING US HAVING SEX IN THE FUTURE THANK YOU.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

4 years

Rudy Giuliani star witness Melissa Carone is my fav #melissacarone

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

I’m not bisexual I just like to party.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

I’ve lived in Los Angeles for 10 years which means I’ve spent 2.5 of those years looking for parking.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

Sunday is a no bra, no underwear type of day and I won’t let anyone stop me from achieving my goal of doing nothing and being a piece of trash today.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

6 years

13 people were murdered in a bar and wildfires are destroying thousands of homes in SoCal yet I’m getting alerts from my Next Door App, “POTHOLE WARNING” and “HELP, LOUD BARKING DOG” and “WHOEVER MOWED MY LAWN BETTER STOP.” People in LA really cease to amaze me.

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Dana Moon

@DanaMoonme

7 years

My career is going pretty great...

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