Guy after a show told me he would never date me because I am too self deprecating I told him I would never date him because he’s wearing a velvet suit to a comedy club in August heat.
Guy told me I was “too quiet in bed” to prove him wrong next time we hooked up I brought an air horn into the bedroom and really rocked his world (he’s deaf now)
Guys you dated will be like I didn’t know you had a problem with alcohol I never saw you drunk??? and you’re like literally every time we hooked up I was black out
A man just asked me to come over and make him drinks in lingerie for 5k when I said no he changed it to 10k and now 50k. Honestly, I would but I don’t think I could trust a man who is THIS bad at negotiating.
It’s good to cut out toxic people from your life. I just cut out all my family members who don’t have industry connects and who can’t help my career. Bye, Mom.
Apparently someone at a show got offended by one of my “molestation jokes.” Let me be clear, I don’t have any molestation jokes. I have jokes about creepy old men hitting on me when I was young. If you interpret that as molestation that’s on you.
When my ex and I broke up he told me that I would be alone forever but successful and I was like Oh. My. God. You really think I’m going to be successful?
If president JFK lived during the internet his twitter would just be him posting hot selfies and America would be like “Wow, he’s doing such a great job!”
Let’s all keep it simple. Shall we
Men respect Men
Women respect Women
Men respect Women
Women respect Men
Human respect Human
Repeat until end of time.
My favorite thing to do when I’m dating is act super normal in the beginning and then three months in I put on a wig and sprint around the house naked, screaming “THIS IS THE REAL ME, BITCH!”
I’m really happy my Mom remarried. She has the type of relationship where he says “if she’s not happy, I’m not happy” and she says “if he’s not happy, I’m not happy.” Both of them are never happy but they’re on the same page and honestly that’s love.
Happy “Moon-day!” Check out this episode w/ hilarious
@SalVulcano
from
@truTVjokers
. We discuss pork jowls, never before seen pranks from the show, Sal’s pet peeves, weird high school memories AND SO MUCH MORE!
My Uncle just texted me a joke about a “Dad jerking off in front of his son” with no punchline and asked if I want to put it in my act MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM MY FAMILY TO YOURS!
You ever have so much anxiety you feel like you’re dying and you’re like THANK GOD but you keep living and it doesn’t stop you’re like FUCK!
...is this too dark
What’s it like dating in LA?
Well last guy I slept with I saged him from head to toe bc he had weird energy and the sex was pretty good but then we never spoke again.
I got rejected by a guy today but who cares because I got four thanksgiving invites! WHO NEEDS A MAN WHEN YOU GOT FOUR THANKSGIVINGS!?
*unbuckles pants*
*sobs into a plate of stuffing*
ATT: comedians who step on others and hurt people to get ahead in your career. Friendly reminder, we are in the business of bringing people joy. You’re doing it all wrong.
13 people were murdered in a bar and wildfires are destroying thousands of homes in SoCal yet I’m getting alerts from my Next Door App, “POTHOLE WARNING” and “HELP, LOUD BARKING DOG” and “WHOEVER MOWED MY LAWN BETTER STOP.”
People in LA really cease to amaze me.