The Cultured Ruffian @CulturedRuffian Twitter profile

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The Cultured Ruffian

8 years

Naps, the original life hack: 1) Sad? There's a nap for that. 2) Tired? There's a nap for that. 3) Angry? There's a nap for that.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

4 years

When you've finally become an adult and have your priorities straight.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

2 years

Coworkers: What did you do this weekend? Me: Made some Michael Jackson videos with my cat. Coworkers: Cats cannot perform to a Michael Jackson song?! My Cat:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

The you on Facebook vs. The you on Twitter.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

Friends: Come out with us tonight. Me: Can't...I'm busy training my cat to play hockey. F: You can't train a cat to play hockey! Me:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

When everyone has been telling you what a 'good boy' you are and finally Karma comes around in an ice cream truck.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

Obama: It's gonna be ok but we have to move. Joe: But how will Santa know where to bring my presents next year? Obama: I'll tell him Joe:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

5 years

There's no such thing as a perfect name for a firefigh.....

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

When you first joined Twitter vs. Today.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS: 1) Know when to hold em. 2) Know when to fold em. 3) Know when to walk away. 4) Know when to run.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

4 years

Friends: What will you do with all your time in quarantine? Me: Probably go bowling with my cat. Friends: But you're not really allowed to go out of the house, and cats don't know how to bowl anyway. Me:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

Say NO! to drugs. Say YES! to drugs. It really doesn't matter what you tell drugs because if you're talking to drugs, you're taking them.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

2 years

This guy's living in 3023 while we're still living in 2023.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

11 years

It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

My Twitter app had to update so I had to drive with the windows down shouting my political opinions to strangers just like the pioneers did.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

FUN FACT: If someone is playing Christmas music in October, you're legally allowed to kill them & use their corpse for a Halloween display.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

Well Twitter, looks like we're all screwed.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

IF YOU'VE HAD CATS, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

Any size pizza can be a personal pizza if you're depressed enough.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn't cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

4 years

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don't get distracted from your job. [ working from home ] Me:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

4 years

This new Playstation 5 controller has the most amazing technology yet!

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

When you hear the doorbell ring for the first trick-or-treater of the night on Halloween.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf? Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin. ps. Please send more.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

11 years

'I'm a vegetarian!' -Vegetarians 'This is delicious.' -Non-vegetarians

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

When a true friend catches you making a duck face while taking a selfie.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

Her: You need to stop playing Mario Kart all day. Me: Why? Her: You have kids. You're a father...take them outside and spend time with them. Me:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

1985: Don't talk to strangers! 2017: Get as many strangers on the internet as possible to follow u so u can tell them everything about u.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

I'm an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

I just microwaved a Hot Pocket all the way through on the 1st try, so I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone needs anything.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

I put the 'sexy' in Dyslexic.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

You'll sleep when you're dead?...that's adorable. Well, I'll lose weight when I'm dead, so pass the doughnuts.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

When you first joined Twitter vs. Today

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

Thanks 5 hour energy drink, but I have to work for 8 hours-not 5. I'll just stick with cocaine.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

When your mom sees your post about her on social media & wants to have a word with you.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

I just rolled my eyes so hard, I yahtzeed.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

My voicemail message is just instructions on how to send a text message with brief pauses filled with heavy sighing.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

PLOT TWIST: You snooze, you win because naps are freaking awesome.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

The you on Facebook vs. The you on Twitter.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

'I'm gonna build a wall on the Mexican border.' -Donald Trump 'No way.' -José

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

If this doesn't accurately sum up the United States during the 2016 Election process, I don't know what does.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

Trump: I'm flying to Arizona to hold a rally tonight! Arizona:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

2 years

The perfect Cotton Candy doesn't exi...

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

Always be tolerant of your wife’s flaws because if she didn’t have them, maybe she could have gotten a better husband.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

When you eat 3/4 of your Happy Father's Day cake by yourself and something tells you that probably wasnt a good idea

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

What do you expect to be doing when you're retirement age? Me:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

Sometimes the holidays can be difficult but remember- You are worth it. People DO care. Please reach out: Suicide: 1-800-273-TALK Self Harm: 1-800-366-8288 Addiction: 1-800-662-4357 Eating Disorders: 1-800-931-2237 Domestic Violence: 1-800-799-SAFE Grief: 1-800-395-5755

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING MR. JINGLES?! Mr. Jingles: Here, hold my catnip. Me: WAIT!! Mr. Jingles:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

1 year

That one raspberry in the container a day after you bring it home from the store.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

"No way." -Jose

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

4 years

There is no such thing as a perfect bumper sticker...

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

When you wake up from your nap after Thanksgiving Dinner and you're full, but you still eat more anyway.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

When you first joined Twitter vs. Today.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

Maybe I'm not addicted to my phone, maybe I'm addicted to not interacting with other people.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

Take me down to the Facebook City where the people are fake and their lives seem pretty.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

When you first joined Twitter vs. Today.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

We're all living in 2018 while this girl livin in 3018.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

I'm super sorry you didn't like my free tweet on my free timeline on a free social media app, how can I ever repay you?

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

Meanwhile, over on Facebook....

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

I'm just a man, standing in front of a voting booth, asking if this is the Apocalypse.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

I don't just hold a grudge-I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

"I'm not like that." -People who are like that

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

Good morning. Before boarding the Twitter, please make sure your emotional baggage has been checked in at the Facebook. Thank you.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

"I'm on my way." -People who haven't even left the house yet.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

When your mom makes you say you're sorry to your brother but you're really not & you'll be mean to him again as soon as she leaves the room.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

I'm just a boy, standing in front of a mirror in a Victoria's Secret fitting room, wondering why they call these boy shorts.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

When you're sleeping and someone says there are doughnuts for breakfast.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

When you first joined Twitter vs. Today

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

Mom: You need to get out & find a date. Me: I'm busy. Mom: Doing what? Me: I'm training my dog. Mom: What are you teaching him? Me:

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

When you first joined Twitter vs. Today

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

When a bully tries to steal your fries and you have to make him #FeelTheBern .

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

I've never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM, BECAUSE THIS IS HOW OUR DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CONDUCTS THEMSELVES AT THANKSGIVING DINNER!

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

When you start talking to me about your cross fit workout.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

"Not all men are like that!" -Men that are like that

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

I'm a Girl Scout in the streets and a Cookie Monster in the sheets.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

Dear Other Countries, Shop our Presidents Day Sale. We have a President for sale-actually we're giving him away. Hurry Sincerely, America

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

9 years

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you're drunk enough.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

6 years

🎶Spider-Dad, Spider-Dad, Best kinda dad a kid could have, Catches kids, just like flies, Jumps a sled, no one cries Look out! Here comes the Spider-Dad!🎶

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

8 years

Two paths diverged in a wood and America took the Psychopath.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

10 years

Chip clips are for quitters.

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The Cultured Ruffian

@CulturedRuffian

7 years

I was the oldest son of a single mother on welfare & food stamps. I was legally blind and wore braces on my legs to straighten them. I’m so thankful for people who loved us and shared during those difficult holidays. Please remember those less fortunate this Christmas. Love❤️