Lori @Cornjerker78 Twitter profile

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Lori

2 years

Him: where do you wanna go eat? Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Friend: There’s somebody I want you to meet. Me: I know enough people.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Me as a doctor: 𝒆𝒘𝒘𝒘𝒘 what 𝙞𝙨 that??

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@Cornjerker78

2 years

Home improvement but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

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@Cornjerker78

2 years

If you want to be my friend you’d better do it now. Cause I’m getting less lovable every day.

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@Cornjerker78

4 years

Lady in the next stall: Do you have a tampon? *passes one to her* Lady: This is a string cheese.

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@Cornjerker78

3 years

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick? Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

I’ve found that saying “I don’t like you” will shut a person up pretty fast.

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@Cornjerker78

4 years

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny. Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny. Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Me: Do I look stupid to you? 5yo: Kinda

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Me: How are you? Neighbor: Can’t complain. You? Me: I can and do.

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@Cornjerker78

9 months

Deleting just doesn’t have the same satisfaction as furiously rubbing an eraser til there’s a hole in the paper

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Wife: How is it you can hit a target over 2 miles away yet miss the toilet peeing? Sniper: My wang doesn’t have a scope.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

6 months

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs? Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

11 months

“You need to live in the now” Me: but I don’t like it here

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket Cop: is that an olive in there?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

I googled interesting facts about Ohio and there weren’t any.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 months

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

“I’ll worry about it next time” - me pissing off future me

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 months

I think you seriously underestimated how little it would take for me to not like you

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Google: The average person burns around 1800 calories a day doing absolutely nothing. Me: fitness regimen = done

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Google: “Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.” Me: *hands bear a magnifying glass*

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

“The only person you can depend on is yourself” Me: *locks myself out*

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

Me to alien: I, too, try to live among people undetected

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

In the theater Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before? Him: Not with tater tots *pause* Gimme some.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way! Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

You know what’s worse than a long boring story? Hearing it twice

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

The faster I fidget the quicker you need to get to the end of your story.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar. Me: A glass of milk?? *looks to the left* Crap. That’s my Doctor.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Takes garbage out to the bin at 2am with smudged eyeliner Me seeing raccoon: don’t fall in love with me kid I’ll only break your heart

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

My weapon of choice is the pizza wheel

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

“You’re fucked up” Me: ahem I’ll have you know I am 𝒇𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 fucked up

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

5yo: I made this for you. Me: How nice! Um…what is it? 5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

I open the door in a sexy French maid outfit Him: Hot damn!! You finally cleaned???

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

Get your strange away from my mysterious

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

I want my obituary photo to be a pop-up picture.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them. Next day F *screams* I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Email 97yo woman’s boob pic page 1 of 3

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

“Your colon will thank you” Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave Me: *wolf whistles*

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

Sometimes my brain takes side roads and I’m even lost

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

“How cute. You have smile lines” Me: those are from clenching my jaw

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers. Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

My Dad - today is his birthday and today he died. I love you Dad

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

You know what’s worse than an unexpected visitor? An unexpected visitor with suitcases.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

5yo: That will be 5 dollars. Me *handing her play money* All I have is this 50. Hey! Where’s my change? 5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

More tweets? What did you do with the ones I already gave you?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

If I was on life support: Dad: tsk tsk You don’t need all these lights. *starts flipping switches”

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

11 months

How many times in a row can you have temporary insanity before they call it permanent?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Restaurant Him: this date is terrible. Me bouncing breadsticks off his head: I’ve had worse.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

I’m the girl that will look my best when we go someplace That way you only have to be embarrassed by the way I act

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Married guy: my wife doesn’t understand me Me: well I don’t understand you either

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran. That is why I don't flirt

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Clown funeral “Pop Goes The Weasel" begins to play Me: Oh dear

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Tacos: the only food that requires napkins for your elbows

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

... and be generous with the lollipops - me holding up a bank

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

No…that wasn’t my sexy walk I have a hip that goes out

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Putting my money in the one washing machine that doesn’t work is why I don’t gamble.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

6 months

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen Them *gives me a hug* Me: and there it is

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Annoying neighbor: I just want to be your friend. Me: Why do people keep threatening me with that?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Party Me: Who the hell is 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 guy? Friend: I brought him for you. Me scoping out the room: I’m gonna regift him.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

Those aren’t wrinkles they’re age scars

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache. Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache? Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

gently covers you with unfolded laundry while you’re napping - passive aggressive wife

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

It takes me about 6 tries to get a bag of chips open so I count it as upper arm exercises

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 month

Adding vodka to tomato juice makes it a V9

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Godzilla *tiptoeing after each skyscraper* I hate it when I get traffic jam between my toes.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag? 5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

My dad didn’t give compliments. “You don’t get told you did a good job when that’s what is expected of you” The closest I got was “not bad for a kid” The best one I ever got was when he said once just once “you’re just like me” Love you Dad Born June 22 Died June 22, 2022

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Me: c’mon get back in the car Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Her: Why is that expression on your face? Me: I’m trying to remember your name. Her: It’s Kelly. Me: No that’s not it.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

My cooking video: stays silent except for the occasional sigh as I press Hershey’s chocolate kisses into a 100 cookies.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot” Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

“Every journey begins with a single step.” plops my foot into dog shit

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Wikipedia: You have visited our site 11 times and still haven’t donated money. Me - adds angry paragraph to “Nagging - Wikipedia”

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

Going to take a page out of the 3yo’s book & every time I don’t want to do something say “I’m gonna puke.”

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

A will is a goth love letter

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

Please quit yelling at me You’re making it hard for me to pretend I can’t hear you

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Urinals are just goth sinks

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

I’m a 10 if that’s the scale for “pain in the ass”

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Him: How close is the storm? Me: Let me check *laptop blows away* Pretty close.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

11 months

I’m no quitter I make sure I stick around long enough to be able to call it a regret

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

1 year

Cashier: this coupon expired last week Me: so did this yogurt

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@Cornjerker78

2 years

Are you even cooking if you don’t say 𝒂𝒘𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌 at least once?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

I got kicked off the cooking show for referring to the garlic press as “some kind of weird sex toy”

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

𝕀𝔽 𝕀𝕋 𝔹𝕃𝕆𝔸𝕋𝕊 𝕀𝕋 𝔽𝕃𝕆𝔸𝕋𝕊 - serial killer coffee mug

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head? Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

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@Cornjerker78

2 years

My mouth said yes my brain said WTF

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@Cornjerker78

3 months

“Dammit” - me doing pretty much anything

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

He not only came with red flags they were riddled with bullet holes from the women in his past.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

nobody likes a whiner - me as a doctor

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

7 years

[First Date] Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half? Me: Sure. Him: BLT, please. Me: Same.

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

3 years

“Due to the freshness of its food, Arby's menu prices are slightly more than the average fast-food price.” Me at drive-thru: You got anything that’s stale?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

Her: it’s pleather Me: are you pleathed with it?

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Lori

@Cornjerker78

2 years

“Can you cook?” Me *scoffs* Do Cup Noodles have a fill line?

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