Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin Twitter profile

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

2 years

the dick sucking factory just called [lowers hat] your mom was in an accident

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

2 years

[telling a joke to a classroom] what does a cowboy cat say? kindergartener: kitty up [about to say meowdy] meo- what the fuck did you just say

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

3 years

[porn director pulls me aside] you gotta quit saying "golly"

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

date: [pulls away from kissing] let's move this to your bed me: [sitting on a futon] you're not gonna believe this

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

8 years

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

"do you have any pets" [remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat "what's his name" [remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

all the small things at thanks- giving uncle's racist mom's high dad's pissed say it ain't so / sweet potatoes cousin's now goth / hot topic clothes

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

im a bitch / im a lover im hulk hogan / hey there brother

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

"You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

4 years

im a bitch / im a plumber it's-a me / luigi's brother

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

4 years

im a bitch / im a lover im a stepdad / hey there slugger

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

cop: have you been drinking me: no cop: can you blow into this me: is... that soup? cop: it's too hot

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

4 years

[calls my mom 5 years after moving out] do i like skim milk

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

8 years

[at the vet with my cat] cat: meow me: i know, that's why i brought you here

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO mom: ok... no seppuku

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

9 years

[quietly tries to open a can of beer] driving instructor: what was that

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

4 years

my son just walked into my room and said, "daddy im scared to die. not of going to hell, i don't think there is such a place, but i guess im scared there's nothing. there was nothing before so what if there's nothing after?" he's 37 years old and on acid

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

ladies you have $15 to build the perfect man $50 - handsome $30 - rich $20 - funny $5 - hamburger $5 - helper $5 - glove

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

all the bald green ninja shelled teens mutants craving pizza with sardines say it ain't so / Donatello Mikey and Raf / Leonardo

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

i took her out / we did the monster mash i wore cologne / it was a graveyard smash

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

[whispers to guy sitting next to me in church] are you gonna finish your body of christ

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

Missed connections: you sat in front of me during Transformers 4. I was the guy saying "this is wild" every time they transformed.

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

my boss: you're fired [pauses porn] why

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

tattoo artist: you'll just have to come back when you have more money me: [with only three ninja turtles tattooed on my arm] but i look ridiculous

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

4 years

im a bitch / im a mommy im hank hill / dangit bobby

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

3 years

[vet pulls me aside] hey man are you letting your cat smoke cigarettes

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

the first person to make a half court shot at my funeral gets to sit in the casket with my body

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub] subway employee: I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to do that me: oh i don't work here

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken? hostess: we sure do [holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

[me] goodnight moon [moon] new phone who dis

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

spelling bee judge: your word is respect me: can you use it in...a song spelling bee judge: nice try

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

all the small things that i can't eat peanuts shellfish shrimp makes me itch always i know cheese clogs my butthole gluten dairy damn food al-ler-gies say it ain't so / can't have lactose dish contains nuts / feel my throat close

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

8 years

all the small bees that just stung me i shook their hive w/ them inside say it aint so / bees n my clothes rip my pants off / now im so cold

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

9 years

[at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

9 years

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that "Just take me home"

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

4 years

tattoo artist: [halfway through garfield tattoo] so do you like lasagna too ha ha me: [huge fan of 20th president] what?

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 months

therapist interrupts me: are you saying off-pudding

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

4 years

(jessie's girl voice) i wish i could dress a squirrel / i wish that i could dress a squirrel / where can i find a squirrel sized hat

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

all the small things santa claus brings breaks in at night kisses my wife say it ain't so / dash through the snow if you're not nice / then you get coal

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

(second date) me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

roses are red / violets are blue who let the dogs out / who who who who

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

genie: you get three wishes me: i wish you were terrible at math genie: ok you're out of wishes me: wait no

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

karate instructor: hiyah me: hello

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪ [Take on bees] ♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫ [Take on bees] Ooouch I'm stuuuuung ♪ Too many Beeeeees ♫

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

9 years

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

And the award for best neckwear goes to.. Well would you look at that, it's a tie

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

TSA agent: why is your suitcase so wet me: you mean my soupcase?

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

all the small things hallow- ween brings I'll wear lipstick white dress blonde wig say it ain't so / marilyn monroe keep my skirt down / when the wind blows

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex) gf: who the hell is waluigi

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color...is it...gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

9 years

all the bald things no hair on me I'll take shampoo no luck still smooth say it aint so / i can not grow take my hat off / throw out my comb

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

my therapist: if all of the teenage mutant ninja turtles were dangling from a cliff and you could only save one.. me: [already in tears]

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

me: gimme something strong [bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

11 years

Welcome to Sarcastic Club Im sooo happy to see you all Anyone know the 1st rule? "Be less sarcastic?" Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

[date pulls away from kissing] what do you say we take this to the bedroom me: [stamps foot down] but I'm not tired

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

me: it's called edging, you get close to cumming but stop so when you finally do it's just wild uber driver dropping me off: well have fun

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

4 years

[10 minutes into date] ok what's your ELEVENTH favorite bird

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

[making out with date] her: oooh someone's being naughty me: [pulls away from kissing] shhh shut the fuck up, santa might hear you

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

911, what's your emergency "I'm masturbating too much" Sir that's not really a problem "one sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE"

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

3 years

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my "feel no pain" tattoo] ok so you're gonna laugh

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

4 years

stacy's mom has got a throwing arm / she says go deep and it sails for so long stacy can't you see that your mom could play QB

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

me: omg can i have your autograph hamburger helper glove: come on man im with my family

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

Ladies, if he: - only wants to hang out when he's drunk - never brings you around his friends - fingers on his head - no legs or feet - always trying to sell you pasta He's not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

all the tall things that i can't reach top shelves tree limbs basket- ball rims say it ain't so / i can not grow put my stilts on / change a light bulb

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

♫ hes making a list, and checking it twice ♪ he's GOING THE DISTANCE...HE'S GOING FOR SPEED

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

i fell into a Burger King deep fryer i turned brown brown brown medical help was required & it burns burns burns that BK fryer that BK fryer

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

family giving my eulogy: we may never know why he challenged that family of raccoons

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman...i dunno if he's eating his vegetables or not me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

sisqo: [filing a missing persons' report] she had dumps like a truck cop: i keep telling you, i don't know what that means

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

1 year

(jessie's girl voice) i wish i could dress a squirrel i wish that i could dress a squirrel where can i find a squirrel sized hat

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

°pulls up to drive-thru° [ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE [FREIND] aren't you on a diet [ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

11 months

all the small things at thanks- giving uncle's racist mom's high dad's pissed say it ain't so / sweet potatoes cousin's now goth / hot topic clothes

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

11 months

[trying to change the subject with my therapist] where's this couch from

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

3 months

[sommelier interrupts me] stop saying notes of ass

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello... [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

wife: i want a divorce me: is it because i cum everytime i get bad news wife: yes me: fuuuuuuuuuck

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

Growing up everyone said I couldn't be a cowboy when I got older but here I am sleeping outside with a gun

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

date: is this because i called Leonardo the red one me: [driving her home early] I'm just tired

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

2 months

(red hot chili peppers voice) can't stop, addicted to the cheese sticks

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

♫ here comes spider-man, here comes spider-man, right down spider-man lane ♫

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

me: WHY DOES CONDITIONER LOOK LIKE CUM cop: [through a megaphone] we can talk about this, just please step back from the ledge me: I DON'T WANT CUM IN MY HAIR

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

3 years

i got pizza in Mexico and it looks like a cartoon

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

8 years

[hands hot dog vendor my credit card] leave it open

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

"Did you remember to take the dog out?" Ah crap, I forgot [Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

my therapist: so how'd you sleep last night me: with my eyes closed my therapist: [texting her therapist] "I'm so angry I'm shaking again"

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

A little bit of Raphael's attitude A little Michelangelo party dude A little bit of Leo leads the team A little bit of Donni's cool machines

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

10 years

[commercial for toilets] °a man is walking around his house picking up turds° There's got to be a better way

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

i see a little silhouetto of a bug IT'S A WASP IT'S A WASP can we close the damn window

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

8 years

me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take subway employee: sir, please stop yelling

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

5 years

me: it's called no nut november, im not allowed to cum at all but i think i can still get close and then stop uber driver dropping me off: well good luck

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

[first time babysitting] hey little dude 5 year old: muffins and cupcakes are cousins me: what the fuck

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

9 years

me: hi i need a cheaper plan [Time Warner Cable puts hand over phone] this dude wants to save money [in the background] tell him to fuck off

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

7 years

[Bruce Wayne speeding around in the Batmobile] (roxanne voice) Baaaatman, you don't have to stop at the red lights

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Cat Damon

@CornOnTheGoblin

6 years

date: you look upset me: [thinking about how she just covered her fries in ketchup instead of putting it on the side] it's nothing

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