Cormac McCarthy (parody) @CormacMcCrthy Twitter profile

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

3 years

My publicist is on my case about my infrequent use of this infernal website He says engagement is down and so are metrics and something something who cares There I wrote a tweet Are you happy now Terry

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

My granddaughter says it is customary when a tweet becomes popular to refer readers to one's sound cloud Terry phoned me ecstatic and he confirms this is indeed the custom I do not know what that means nor do I care to spend any more time on the internet learning its customs

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

@samatlounge Your assumption isn't wrong, it's just early

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

@StephenKing In his myopic quest for metrics Terry insists I reply to you with a quip or a joke or banal flattery What are you king of, Stephen? There Terry I've done all three at once Now leave me in peace with my Sunday morning gin

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

Kombucha is simply tea that has gone bad But kombucha itself never goes bad With each passing day kombucha drifts from its lost heritage as tea and becomes more firmly kombucha

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

6 years

Punctuation interrupts the flow of prose more often than not. Which is why I use it sparingly. My nurse tells me of new punctuation invented for the twitter. Hashtags. I would put scare quotes around that word. But it would only increase my discomfort.

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

My granddaughter visited for the first time in months She installed disney internet or some such nonsense on my TV and made me watch the Mandalorian The Mandalorian is a show about a man's quest to enforce a mask mandate by lethal violence Probably Andrew Cuomo under that mask

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

Accusing me of lethargy my nurse dragged me out of my home and into a cafe to watch an open mic There hipsters read tales of woe in the infuriating sleepy cadence of NPR reporters I've never understood this phenomenon though it explains why they are reading at open mic nights

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

My daughter helped me look up disturbing information on the wiki encyclopedia There I learned Pete Buttigieg is 14th in line for the presidency Only 13 beating hearts stand between us and a millennial president God help us I wish I never heard of that infernal encyclopedia

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

I am not a Luddite But if antitechnology radicals would emphatically promise that adopting their ideology would lead to the end of all leaf blowers I could be convinced In me they would find a powerful ally Ball's in their court

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

When did fortune cookies become so judgmental And when will they stop

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

@elonmusk 85 years ago so was Hitler

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

Say what you want about Donald Rumsfeld

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

For reasons unknown my publicist Terry asked me to write my own prewritten obituary. Fine Cormac McCarthy - the world's most competent writer and whisky connoisseur - departed the earth on the same day a sentient wig possessed of an ancient evil was arraigned in Florida, a

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

The plural of person is people My lawyer Gregory needs to hear this. He always write persons instead of people. Which sounds stupid. Just like the name Gregory

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

No. We need not defer to the linguistic sensibilities of babies. Supposably is no more a word than pasghetti.

Dictionary.com

@Dictionarycom

4 years

🚨 New word alert! 🚨 "supposably," which is an adverb meaning "as may be assumed, imagined, or supposed," is one of the 600 words we just added to .

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Took my granddaughter to the multiplex. Against all prudence I let her choose the film. She asked to see some movie whose whimsical title implied magical dancing children. I hate musicals, I tell her. Saying nothing she looked up at me and her face was pale and austere in the

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

Diffuse and defuse are different words with different meanings.

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My publicist Terry says I should post more pictures with insipid commentary. Terry calls these abominations memes and says using them will increase my appeal to generation Z What follows is a meme of my own creation Surely this is illegal even if the customer is dying anyway

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My nurse's latest boyfriend has a tattoo on his left forearm *** What branch were you in, I said Branch of what The service. Your tattoo of kilroy Oh that's ziggy Ziggy Yes ziggy. He's a comic strip dude. I hate him. It's ironic *** He is a good match for my idiot nurse

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

Today my granddaughter reports that everything relevant from tiktok comes into instagram eventually I don't know what that means. Nor do I particularly care But since it seems to have something to do with the internet and possibly millennials I am relaying this news to you

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Once there were cords on the telephones and the telephones sat on the living room counter. You could see the cord twirling around your mother's fingers where the white edges of her cracked nails clicked softly in the flow of the phone call. Her nails smelled of acetone in your

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

A goat named sherb who acts like a baby. A business cat. To distract my granddaughter from this frivolous television game about animals crossing I took her on a walk Where she opened her phone to find a pokey man lure If humans are drawn to such lures are we not the pokey men

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

Without my nurse's help I cant turn off the television so I've sat through six days of uninterrupted reruns of post-1980 cinema drivel Hence I have learned of a man named Alan Ruck This poor schmuck Alan Ruck has been typecast as a man not in control of the vehicle Here are

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

There. Are you happy now Terry

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

I'm 89 years old and have yet to meet any man named Bruce I can only conclude that Bruce is not a real name outside of batman comic books and the e street band My granddaughter says I should say spoiler alert but everyone under age 90 knows batman's real name

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

Watching local news with my idiot nurse and saw this abomination. I yell at the television. Holiday is not a verb. Stop trying to make everything a verb. My nurse, trying to help, says yeah stop trying to verb everything. I think often of her demise.

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My publicist Terry says I should write proverbs and not complain so much Very well Every door is unlocked if you pay a man from the hardware store to come to your house to tear it from its hinges and defile its innards with his instruments of blue collar destruction

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My TV remote is broken and I can't change the channel or turn it off, forcing me to sit through Tron Best I can tell Tron is a movie about copyright infringement and the perils of people with British accents A prescient film

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

My insipid publicist insisted on paying eight dollars to this website He says the website will give me some kind of blue Chex mix he's always talking about wanting me to try No Chex mix has been delivered to my knowledge Terry is a liar and a charlatan

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

My granddaughter dragged me to see Avatar I saw this with your mother in 1999 Grampa that's impossible No I distinctly remember the man frog recruiting his water family to help wizards in their war against the machines Grampa that's Star Wars the phantom menace

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

Periodically my house is besot by noxious smells and I tell my assistant Edgar to buy Febreeze from the internet But many varieties of Febreeze are themselves imbued with unnatural odors Edgar is thus compelled to buy different Febreeze cannisters to Febreeze the Febreeze

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

I wore mittens yesterday but no one cared This is the normal state of things. An old man wearing mittens should not be national news Unless there is a mitten shortage and the old man got the last mitten in a tussle at the mitten store. Then it's news But only then

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My granddaughter declined to go to Christmas services this year She says she's leaving our church to worship the tree from Avatar I don't know where Avatar is or why its tree deserves veneration But I asked no followup questions because I don't care

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My dog watches the garbage man with the same combination of awe and envy and fear that I felt when I was her age Children are all the same, whether dog or human That is to say they are idiots and they have bad taste

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

Nothing happens in The Road Father and son eat tin after tin of peaches and push a shopping cart That's it I'm old enough and successful enough to admit it Anyone who pretends to derive some greater meaning from the story is putting on airs

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

@killakawhiii I saw Cyndi Lauper do this when opening for Cher at a concert in San Jose California. You might wonder why I was at such a Cher concert. Well in 2013 I made several bad decisions including buying a log cabin in California which promptly burned down. But more saliently I let my

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

A year measured by planetary revolution is imbued with meaning, fixed by celestial imperative But its end is arbitrary. Set by papal whimsy in 1582 But that is how it's done and it's folly to resist a calendaring system used by everyone no matter how arbitrary Happy new year

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

I am oddly enamored of this woman's Twitter I remember her song about asking directions and why no one should ever live in Los Angeles Never did I imagine I would have anything else in common with her But it seems our mutual bafflement at millennial culture entwines our souls

Dionne Warwick

@dionnewarwick

4 years

Animal Crossing. Thank you. What is the point of this? Do you win?

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

We all have different motivations when we say merry christmas or happy hannukah or joyous d-day Some are greeting family in banal ritual. Others are casting malign spells I for one am proving I know what day it is so they dont think me demented and put me in a home again

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

My remote is broken and my nurse wont help change the channel. So I'm watching the Martian against my will The Martian is a film about the dangers of opioid addiction and the difficult nature of potato farming A sobering satire of America's descent into decadent squalor

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

We all have different motivations when we say Merry Christmas Happy Halloween Joyous D-Day etc. Some are casting spells or praying or simply greeting people Others are giving orders I for one am showing people I know what day it is so they don't think me demented

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Cooking breakfast is just sweat and toil. I wish it were romantic. It isnt. At its worst there are rubbery eggs and burned toast but then the kitchen drapes are on fire You dont dare call for help because they'll put you in a home You find yourself making a decision

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My daughter called after sending me a wooden board with coldcuts and cheese wrapped in cellophane Dad how did you like your charcuterie board You mean the incomplete sandwich Charcuterie board. It's artisanal Failing to assemble my sandwich is not an art

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

On Sunday my family pulls up in their minivan to escort me to another loud and incomprehensible breakfast at Denny's Seeing I wore clothes bought in 1973, my granddaughter informs me that Grampa your whole outfit is a vibe I say nothing. I file away this information for later,

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

The Road derives its setting from a drive through California in the hellscape that was 2003 The sky aglow with embers of forests rended to ash, wildfires sparked by an exploding nokia phone A machine man running for governor Jay Leno still on television It was a horrible time

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Kids dont read any more They churn hours on television games of pokey men and iron men and pac men And so my spirits soar when my granddaughter says her eyes hurt from reading a hard book She shows it to me. I scowl. She found her mother's magic eye books from the nineties

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

People have been throwing around the term 3D chess with great abandon But I have news for you All chess is 3D chess. Unless you're playing it on a computer in which case it is 2D chess Or if you are playing it in the future then I guess you were playing 4D chess

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

A critic asked my opinion of Hamilton He says it ignores the Native American genocide Of course it does, I said. It is a fictional narrative. Not a textbook. Like DuckTales DuckTales? DuckTales ignores the rampant nonconsensual sex in the duck community but nobody says a word

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

@MNightShyamalan Last Thanksgiving my daughter tried to get me to play this game. I took one look at the box and told her I am on the side of the cards and then went to the parlor to drink bourbon and stare at the snow. That was the end of that

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Willie Nelson once warned mothers not to let their sons grow up to be cowboys but to be lawyers or doctors instead It was the most impactful song in our nation's history. Cowboys are at an all-time low while doctors and lawyers can be found in every hospital in America

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Dante's circles of hell grow in repugnancy as one descends, inflicting pain equal to the sin. The lowest level punishes fraud But the Inferno was written before this woman sat next to me in an otherwise silent waiting room and began slurping and slobbering on a ballpoint pen

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Southwest airlines is a harrowing experience. The flight attendants fancy themselves standup comics and prattle on about how they're so silly and drank too much yesterday and on and on I dont like airplane people joking about their incompetence while I'm still on the airplane

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

I was given a dog not too long ago and it has taught me many things Among them that the only difference between a dog toy and any other object is who's using it Everything is a potential dog toy. My watch is a dog toy. I am a dog toy. You are a dog toy

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

A cylindrical robot named Alexis is my only companion at home. Today I ordered her to play music from when America was young Ever defiant she instead plays Young Americans by David Bowie There's a part in Young Americans where David Bowie sounds like he's mocking my failing

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

I just watched a half hour ad for a pillow. It was loud and annoying and made me want to destroy my television not buy a pillow The best infomercial for a pillow would be a silent image of the pillow for three minutes followed by a deep voice intoning pillow and then the price

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 months

@davejorgenson @jk_rowling My books aren't for children

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

I am not a superstitious man. I dont believe in astrology or witchcraft or especially groundhog day. There are far more prescient heralds of winter's end than a groundhog. Riots in France, for one. The French never riot in winter. They riot only in good weather. You can

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

Banning and banding are different words that mean different things Unless you run a social media company your friend group is not banning together during this pandemic You're probably not even banding together because one of you is secretly hated by all the others

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Her blasphemous zeal has only grown. This year I asked her to say grace at dinner. A mistake No longer recognizing the godhead she instead prays to the whale from Avatar, begging absolution and swearing our fealty We say nothing It's easier to accept a new god than debate Gen Z

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My granddaughter declined to go to Christmas services this year She says she's leaving our church to worship the tree from Avatar I don't know where Avatar is or why its tree deserves veneration But I asked no followup questions because I don't care

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

The City always means Chicago

rhymes with purple

@GenericBologna

4 years

In 5 words or less, start a fight without politics

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Outside my window cats wail and shriek They sound almost human. Like a child lost in a desert not of its making with a pain it doesn't deserve. But these are cats so they are probably just in heat Nevertheless I need an earlier bedtime. For cats are quieter during the day.

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Andor and the second act of Face Off are the same movie You wonder why I know either of these abominations Because my granddaughter won't teach me to change the channel. Compelled to watch her millennial drivel I reach for my flask Empty Empty as the millennial soul

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Toiling in the stench and grime of the human body, professional wrestlers and bunion removers are untouchables in the American caste system Dentists are worse They feast on fear, holding eye contact for hours while drilling holes in your skeleton An evil vocation for evil men

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

I see this whimpering dog Snookie in my allergy clinic wearing a service dog vest Skeptical of its credentials, I ask the owner what service it provides He detects things I'm allergic to, she says What are you allergic to Cats So he's a cat detector Yes Like any dog

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My daughter bought me a puppy to keep me company during this lengthy period of isolation There's something wrong with this dog It makes noises like a theremin when it dreams

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

My publicist, a man of avarice, asks me to sponsor a philanthropic endeavor. Its goal doesnt matter. What matters is that my name is attached Fine I hereby announce the Cormac McCarthy award The prize, whiskey The winner - Cormac McCarthy There. Are you happy now Terry

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

@emilybernay Peering over my shoulder my millennial daughter shrieks in my ear that I should respond with this image of cartoon Freemasons and inform you that they do they do

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

The most expensive lottery ticket you can buy is a human baby If you get a Mark Zuckerberg or a Warren Buffet or even a Gary Coleman you've hit the jackpot Otherwise your losing ticket cost you $300,000 and a missing liquor bottle or two during its teenage years

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

I met Clarence Thomas once I didn't know who it was at the time because there was no internet so no one knew what anyone looked like Anyway it was in a Walmart parking lot. He spends his summers traveling the country in an RV, parking at Walmart True story look it up

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

I'm old enough to remember when bank runs used to mean something Father would wake us up early on a Monday and drive our jalopy down to First National to beat the crowds. He would bring a large mallet for that purpose. After beating the crowds we'd beat the tellers and then

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

On December 7th we drove to look at a house for sale. On our way home in our 1938 Oldsmobile, Mom in the front with a belly full of baby, paperboys hawked newspapers in the street. Headlines about Pearl Harbor We didn't get the paper. Our family did not buy anything on impulse.

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

I have a hot dog man. He's a craftsman and an artisan and I trust him infinitely more than my publicist Terry, that venal hack But the day will never come when I give my hot dog man a 25,000 strong private army and send him to war on my behalf

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

In the beginning we bought books from old men who'd scowl as they bullied you into reading Hemingway instead of Green Lantern. This state of affairs was most famously portrayed in the film adaptation of the Neverending Story Then came Barnes and Noble and its ilk. No more old

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Morning whiskey drained, I chat idly with my now slightly less annoying nurse Mr McCarthy I'm shocked you know Frozen songs Why It's for kids. You're not a child It's ubiquitous. I'm not a squalid imbecile either but I've seen that Kardashian show Ouch Mr McCarthy rude

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

@Bryan_Barton @scottew Buy a new copy of The Road and read it again

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

For the third year running my daughter took me to Father's Day breakfast at Applebee's, an eatery born of the feckless mind of an indolent corporate automaton with a penchant for sadism and an insatiable craving for three cheese chicken penne The day was otherwise uneventful

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

An update on an earlier tweet I've done more research on yeet Research consisting of listening to my granddaughter prattle on during our family's weekly video call Best I can tell from my research yeet must be an acronym for yank exhume expel or throw Hope this helps someone

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

Does the tooth fairy hunger for teeth for their own sake or does she begrudgingly accept them because they are the only currency with which a child might pay his blood debt to her

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

@BabsVan That Stephen King fellow seems a decent man

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

11 months

Screaming children pound my door, faces obscured by craven facsimiles of the false gods they worship: A billionaire in a suit of metal A billionaire with orange skin A star war. As dusk arrives they depart again, helicopter parents circling like vultures. These vacant eyed

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

What has happened to my country in the last four years that caused McMuffins to cost four dollars now

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

I met Oppenheimer more than once at galas which are what rich people call parties When you invent a planet destroying device they invite you to their parties to stay on your good side That's I write novels about murderous psychopaths Thanks to The Road I got to meet Salma

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

My nurse's boyfriend Ziggy - like all white men in their 30s - hosts a podcast Next episode he will discuss his favorite foods - a recurring theme, I suspect. In any event Ziggy wants my input *** Mister McCarthy can you tell me what's the best thing about chickens They are

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

Like any person over the age of sixty I have a stack of yellow copies of the New York Times on my coffee table that I intend to read before my death. There's too much to read so I focus on the obituaries, the only part of the paper I understand these days This has been a rough

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

If you believe as I do that peak pleasure obtains from sitting alone in a dark room with even darker thoughts and whiskey that's darker still, then I am indeed fun. By such a yardstick I'm more fun than Bob Hope in the Road to Bali.

Meredydd_x🌊🌊🗽🪬🌈 🏳️‍🌈 🌻🇺🇦

@MeredithCAZ

2 years

@CormacMcCrthy @MNightShyamalan You sound fun

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

To dredge inspiration for a hellish and dreary novel, my publicist drives me to a shopping mall. He points to this store and says I should tweet a photo with a joke about Star Trek or Trump - he cant decide which. This tweet is a joke about my publicist instead Take that, Terry

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

My publicist chases trends like lawyers chase ambulances He insists I opine on Elon Musk and use hashtags while I'm doing it and also won't I please do the book tour for The Passenger and give an interview to NBC #Idonotcareabout #elonmusk or #nbc There Are you happy now Terry

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Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Ah. Checkmark. Terry telephoned again and says I received a blue checkmark not blue Chex mix. Terry needs to enunciate This is why no one listens to him

1

4

106

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

@elonmusk Everyone at my party told me I was 89 years old but I thought that couldn't be right and I told them all to leave so I could sit alone in my study and focus on my scotch whiskey

1

0

104

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

I wake to a frenetic call from my publicist. He asks I comment on trending events to ride the wave of virality. He promises he wont call again for three days if I comply Fine News of Silicon Valley Bank's downfall spreads through the weeds of the internet like so much wildfire.

4

9

103

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

His name is spelled Seuss

2

5

96

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

A conversation with my assistant Mr McCarthy you're playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers Is that some kind of millennial insult No it means you're smart. Chess is hard But if everyone is playing checkers then I'm playing the wrong game. And losing Oh yeah

1

7

99

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

What I like most about Trader Joe's other than senior hour which prevents me from catching a virus from a millennial and dying is that its checkout people affirm my food choices with unrestrained joy Oh you chose the Kung Pao mochi balls brilliant choice good job high IQ

0

6

100

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

6 years

Nothing happens in The Road. Father and son eat tin after tin of peaches and push a shopping cart. That's it. I am old enough and successful enough to admit it.

0

11

98

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

2 years

Your home nurse drives up. She's on time for once, blast it Mr McCarthy what the heck happened are you all right is the house really on fire No, you tell her. It's just the northern lights. Aurora borealis This seems to satisfy her. She's not known for her intuition

1

3

97

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

What day is it My granddaughter says I should ask this question today to appeal to millennials who grew up watching a movie about mean girls I am explaining this because I'm fully aware of what day it is Don't think me senile I'm just appealing to millennials #October3rd

0

2

93

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

3 years

@sarahcpr God knows why but my publicist Terry is on the phone and says he will keep quiet about metrics for at least a week if I please please respond to this tweet with my thoughts on the millennial obsession with incomplete sandwiches Are you happy now Terry

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

My daughter called after sending me a wooden board with coldcuts and cheese wrapped in cellophane Dad how did you like your charcuterie board You mean the incomplete sandwich Charcuterie board. It's artisanal Failing to assemble my sandwich is not an art

5

31

217

2

1

96

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

1 year

No Country for Old Men was autobiographical

4

10

95

Cormac McCarthy (parody)

@CormacMcCrthy

4 years

If I've learned anything from this infernal website it's that 99% of people who thank you for coming to their TED talk have never given a TED talk

0

7

96