Chris Barnes @ChrisBarnes Twitter profile

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

6 months

just got off the polar express what the hell is this shit?

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

I like how there’s just one guy in the Rolling Stones that dresses like a regular 77 year-old man.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

1 year

he is coming…

Pop Tingz

@ThePopTingz

1 year

Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn have broken up.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

See...walls don’t work.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

1 year

Why is Kyle Rittenhouse is starting to look like the gay dad from Modern Family?

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

The Robert Kardashian hologram looks like a cut scene you’d skip in a video game.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Accidentally walked into a Trader Joe’s with a Hawaiian shirt on and now I’m the head supervisor.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

1 year

Pickle Ball Instructors

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Me in college trying to convince myself I’m not about to throw up.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

@matticure Folklore and Evermore on each ass cheek I’m betting.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

6 months

Full story below:

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

2 years

A couple years ago someone wrote a spec script for a Seinfeld episode that takes place a week after 9/11 and this is my favorite scene in it:

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

5 years

Me coming out of an Old Navy dressing room to show my mom how the sweater fits.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

6 years

I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality we have to deal with 40% more spider webs than you do.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

2 years

Young Vladimir Putin looks like that kid in Middle School who was obsessed with lizards.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

I think we just need to accept that the 90’s was our peak as species.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

2 years

Friends with Benefits is such a misleading label. Sex is not a “benefit”, you know what is? Unlimited 2% cash back on all purchases when you sign up for the Wells Fargo Active Cash Card.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

I still can’t get over the fact that there are just regular sweaters in the Star Wars universe.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Me on a 9am video work conference acting like I wasn’t just asleep 38 seconds ago.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

The new Yeezy’s look like Bionicle feet: A thread (except it’s just this one tweet).

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

5 years

My college portraits made me look like a Republican judge who wanted to make being a woman illegal in Arkansas.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

The amount of people on Tik Tok that think I’m actually Barron Trump is growing and it’s concerning.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Saw someone use their vaccine card to cut up lines of coke last night. I think covid is over...

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

7 months

I saw man take a shit in a box today.

Empire State Building

@EmpireStateBldg

7 months

New York isn't a place. it is an idea. 📷: jerseyportraits/IG

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

My twitter notifications after I spend 30 minutes drafting a “hilarious tweet”.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

When you’re the only one on your team left in a game of dodgeball:

Mick Jagger

@MickJagger

3 years

See you tomorrow!

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

2 months

How all MLB players look in their hype up videos:

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

There should be a setting on Tik Tok called “I’m over 25. Please stop showing me children trying to act sexy”.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

If you think the “no mask” people are bad, just wait until there’s a vaccine available.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

2 years

@blameaspartame They really vet their applicants…

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

80% of the people wearing mask in Tampa tonight were background dancers for The Weeknd.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

I just saw a 5’7” girl look up into the eyes of a 5’9” guy and say “I love how tall you are!” in front of me, a 6’4” boy who just hit his head on a subway ad while exiting the train. Short love is gross and you all should be ashamed of yourselves.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Breaking News: Brett Kavanaugh just punched a hole in the dry wall at the offices of the Supreme Court.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

I love how people deleted Facebook because of privacy concerns but will gladly wear a watch that knows how much oxygen is currently in their blood.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Everyone’s talking about the new Patagonia label but I think this J.Crew label is much cooler!

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Entire WH staff right now:

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

1 year

Joe Burrow looks like the rich kid from The Little Rascals

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Just matched with a girl on Hinge that totally looks like a wife that would tragically die and I’d only see this image in blurry flashback scenes while I sleep.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Me after owning stocks for 3 days.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Just as a reference: you can’t even walk toward cops with an AR-15 in Grand Theft Auto without getting at least 1 star...

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Barron during Trump’s meltdown in the White House.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

8 months

The Exorcist but realistic (w/ @carolinebano )

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

1 year

Single greatest indicator of a recession…

Pop Tingz

@ThePopTingz

1 year

The Black Eyes Peas and Fergie are reportedly back together.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Painted this last night to celebrate the new year.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

US Government when thousands are sick and unemployed:

Wendy’s

@Wendys

4 years

Y’all want a free chicken sandwich?

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

5 years

You ever see a picture and know IMMEDIATELY who’s getting cropped out of it?

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

No more Nick Cannon? But who will host everything nobody watches?

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

These Tik Tok trends are getting out of hand...

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

6 years

Today I turn 24, coincidentally I’ve decided to start referring to my parents as “my roommates”.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

2 years

@ecareyo Same energy

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Guy doing #vanlife but in a 2007 Toyota Sienna:

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Not going to sugar coat it folks, just bombed at the show I produced. Comedy is back!

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Me after popping 4 lactaid pills in a Dairy Queen knowing this ice cream can’t do shit to me.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

You just know he’s got a thermos filled with tomato soup under there.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

People are complaining about NYC being closed down past 10pm as if they have friends, plans, or a will to live.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

What being 26 meant to each generation:

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

A Tik Tok influencer going to a Waffle House:

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

5 years

My grandkids are going to get SO MANY likes when they Instagram this after I die...

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

I took 2 years of photography in school to post stuff like this on Instagram and get 31 likes.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

This kid is 16 but has worked in HVAC for 23 years.

New York Post

@nypost

4 years

A New York teen creates petition to move Super Bowl to Saturday

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

5 years

Here’s a joke I tell about liking the band Coldplay.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Dennis Reynolds in season 23 of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

8 years

*walks into work on the first day

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

5 years

Can’t wait for that weird week in between Christmas and New Years where you just kinda sit around and question your existence.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

1 year

Dogs when humans invented couches:

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Valentines Day is a HUGE day for me unfollowing girls who I thought were single.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Me performing in front of the city I owe $150 for parking violations.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Some comics are keeping a list of who is racist. I’m keeping a list of who wished me a happy birthday and so far it’s only Hulu, my grandma, and a Nissan dealership on Long Island.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

These bots are more open minded then some of you on here.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Outside my favorite comedy club.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

How is it that the two most SANE people in Tiger King were a woman who got her arm ripped off by a tiger (and immediately went back to work) and a Wal-mart manger turned campaign manger who witnessed a man shoot himself in the head?

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Sorry I haven’t been tweeting much lately. I’ve been extremely happy.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Any type of insurance is hilarious to me. You literally pay hundreds every month in case something happens and then when it does and you ask if they can cover it and their straight up just like “We’ll see...”

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Me explaining to my nurse friends how hard this quarantine has been on my social media marketing job.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

I wonder how many people got infected by dudes who said they were 6ft away but were really 5’9”ft away?

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

ACTUALLY God ordered the “murder hornets” in March but shipping was delayed due to COVID-19.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

*OnlyFans but girls pay to see guys do sexy things like turn off the Xbox and ask how their day was.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

“Addison Rae” sounds like a department store chain your aunt would work at.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

The best part about wearing a mask is being able to mouth “f*ck you” to virtually anyone with zero repercussions.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

I have a girlfriend.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Biden’s team entering The White House.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Getting tired of these people who refuse to wear a mask on the Subway.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Post a pic of you that looks like an album cover.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Today is my birthday. I will be celebrating by shutting the f*ck up for once. Thank you.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

I just know that in 20 years Urban Outfitters will be selling MAGA hats as part of their retro aesthetic.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

6 years

Super Bowl plot twist: Janet Jackson comes on stage at half time and unexpectedly pulls Justin Timberlake's dick out.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

1 year

The caesar salad kit in my fridge every time I make yet another GrubHub order

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

5 years

Signed with an agency in LA. Here’s me outside their offices!

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Do I wipe down the machine before or after I give everyone at the gym Covid?

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Police in Minneapolis right now:

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

I’m going to miss Daft Punk.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Literally thought this was an ad for a freemium mobile strategy video game.

￮༺𓂂𓂃ᗙ 𝔐𝔞𝔯𝔱𝔦𝔫 ᗛ𓂃𓂂༻￮

@KlatuBaradaNiko

4 years

Around 10,000 ducks are sent to eat insects in a rice paddy after harvest in Thailand

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

I think it hilarious that running 3 miles barely burns 300 calories and one single Bite-Size Snickers completely annihilates that progress.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

I want to thank this girl on hinge for reminding me how my stand up career was going pre-pandemic.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

Finance bros are such douches that they actually have me siding with redditors.

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

3 years

I couldn’t tell if this guy was laying on his front or back?

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

5 years

Friends: “How’s comedy going?!?” Me after my dating app joke bombed infront of the 3 German tourist who made up 80% of the crowd: “Great!”

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Chris Barnes

@ChrisBarnes

4 years

Forrest and Lieutenant Dan.

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