me: i’ll take a pack of juul pods
cashier: im sorry those are illegal now
me: oh ok ill just have an assault rifle then
cashier: receipt in the bag okay?
people bashing her for not being qualified to be a ufc journalist are forgetting addison rae literally fought in the ufc for 7+ years and beat brock lesnar for the title
aight it’s saturday fellas you know what that means 🗓
tire pressure: low 🚗
peer pressure: high 🚬
white claws: opened 🌊
dms: closed 📵
monkey: on my back 🐒
versace logo: on my chest 💧
haters: in my mentions
titanic victims: in my thoughts 🛳
ok let’s roll
the black plague killed nearly 60% of europes population during the 14th century and no sports seasons were suspended idk just sorta shows how soft our generation is
we are obsessed with an amendment written in the 1700’s bro toilet paper wasn’t even invented until 1857 these fuckers wrote these laws with poopy assholes and we live and die by it this country is so stupid
me: willy wonka handed out just 5 golden tickets in the entire world yet somehow only kids got them which makes no sense and also statistically at least a couple of the winners would most likely be asian
girl at the bar: i think i see my friends
hey remember a year ago when people were dying from romaine lettuce so we stopped selling it for a bit and people stopped dying
maybe we should use that approach
👋
\ 😔
|| \_
_/¯ ¯\_
with guns
😜
👊/||\_
_/¯ ¯\_
why does society tell us to wash our hands after taking a pee? my penis is enclosed in a pair of briefs like 98% of the day while my hand touches literally everything,,, I’m gonna start washing my hands before i pee so i don’t get my dick dirty
i get to the gates of heaven
god: cant let you in g, you had sex before marriage
me: i never had sex, i only made love
god: hahah shit you got me there my man. aight you can come in make yourself at home. beers are in the fridge
you ever think the reason we love halloween so much is because we look for any excuse to be anyone but ourselves? even if it’s just for one night, the chance to escape who we really are is the only thing we have to look forward to
8 year old trick-or-treaters at my door: what?
mans plan tonight
canes sweep ft. brett pesce ✅
drink 16 mich ultra pure golds ✅
wet t shirt contest w/the boys ✅
dm girls ✅
get left on read ✅
punch a hole in the dry wall ✅
aight off to bed 💤
aight it’s saturday fellas here’s the move 🗓
margaritas: skinny 🍸
wallet: fat 💵
my fit: cold 🥶
my body: hot 🥵
your girl: in my dms 🤷🏼♂️
my girl: in my heart ❤️
the club: alive 🎉
titanic passengers: dead 🛳
ok let’s roll