Cave Johnson @CaveJohnson Twitter profile

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

👌 efficient

sisyphus

@daily_sisyphus

10 months

one must imagine sisyphus thinking smarter

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Last Seen Profiles

@DelythmL

@D0SE001

@Alhilal_EN

@BobbyBeatBeat

@CRACK_twt

@HyVee

@yuiyui_osushi

@stw_pdg

@Sofia_Mtz0_

@OpenHighwayFest

@b0mbshellyy

@galery_basah10

@CarlosdeHart

@Cody_Ford74

@FelineFiendz

@sana_y_pome

@uenopy

@nomnominya

@luizfpiu

@LouiesChicken

@poeticdweller

@ChocoBon_Adi

@AmorytheHyena

@ZEROPERC3NT

@IF_SideKick

@immsTICFT

@ismailmamac

@KrymanAbw

@yuna_ireisuosi

@MantaNetwork

@adiva4_s

@shingeki_imoko

@Tetra_ction

@7IoB13cffw63436

@samnode_

@Sakitoshi_Ikeda

Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 months

An important update… I could just type the damned thing out, but the internet gals said “bad news does better if it’s in an image”. If your keycard isn’t working, that’s how you know you’re affected.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

Never forget.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

A humble beginning.

shaurya

@shauseth

10 months

thinking about how aperture science started out by selling shower curtains and asbestos

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

6 months

….I’m not saying these seem to share some… similarities to our patented Long Fall Boots™ That’s what we have the legal department for.

沐狼崽

@mulangzai1122

6 months

wip！ (Home top delegation is open) #Fursuit #furrycommission #fursuitcommission #fursuitmaker #fursuiter

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

At Aperture we fire the whole bullet, that’s 65% more bullet, per bullet.

Declaration of Memes

@LibertyCappy

10 months

That’s not how that works… that’s not how any of it works… This has got to be the worst attempt I have ever seen, LOL! Did they really put that little effort into making sure their lie even made any sense?

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

Coming soon.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

6 months

Hats.

heavy team fortres 2

@heavyfortres

6 months

the community has once again united and #SaveTF2 Is trending again. Document your bot/cheater encounters and spread awareness of the terrible state our beloved game is in. These bots/cheaters have NO place in this community. We arent stopping until we actually #SaveTF2

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

Nope.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

7 months

[Seasonal_Pleasantries: Deployed] Santa’s still not real, but the boys in the lab say they’re getting ₜₕᵢₛ close to figuring it out. Maybe next year. 🧑‍🎄

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

9 months

Wouldn’t recommend inhaling the stuff, but it’s also a hell of an aphrodisiac. Do with that information what you will.

valerie 🖤

@ValsAerospace

10 months

call me cave johnson the way i have obtained moon dust

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

Disagree.

Satan

@s8n

10 months

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

Counter offer; I give you a bag of nickels* if you s̵u̵r̵v̵i̵v̵e̵ can escape our room. *ɴɪᴄᴋᴇʟs ᴀᴠᴀɪʟᴀʙʟᴇ ᴡʜɪʟᴇ sᴜᴘᴘʟɪᴇs ʟᴀsᴛ.

MrBeast

@MrBeast

10 months

Would you spend 100 days in this room with a random stranger for $500,000? (Door is unlocked, if one of you leave before day 100 you both lose)

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

GET MAD CAT! MAKE LIFE TAKE THOSE LEMONS BACK! 🔥 🏠 ⬇️ 🍋

WholesomeMemes

@WholesomeMeme

10 months

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

I’d say it’s worth it. However, the boys in legal tell me I have to label this as a joke.

Eduardo Valdés-Hevia 👁️

@Valdevia_Art

10 months

Good news: We have obtained the clearest ever image of a black hole! Bad news: The Sun is gone.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

That gal sure sounds familiar.

shork

@ShorKtf2

10 months

This was absolutely amazing. John and Ellen Performed Still Alive live at "Meet The Mercs"!!

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

No monkey has died as a result of our patented Aperture Science implant. First our early implants, to minimize risk to healthy monkeys, we chose terminal moneys (close to death already),

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

9 months

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

8 months

So anything interesting happen today?

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

@Forward_Flaps That’s a damned fine looking portrait you got there.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

Bad news everyone, we’re gonna need to make come cutbacks.

Rolling Stone

@RollingStone

10 months

New report from industry researchers finds that 95 percent of the once-hyped crypto assets have hit rock-bottom valuation

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

11 months

@heavyfortres Another Mann Co. fakery. But you can call Aperture Science for all of your Science/industrial solvent needs today. (513) APER-SCI

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

11 months

Another Mann Co. fakery. But you can call Aperture Science for all of your Science/industrial solvent needs today. (513) APER-SCI

heavy team fortres 2

@heavyfortres

11 months

yes, I made it up

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

22 days

Excited to announce a new employee benefit; Mandatory Sauna. All employees* are expected to make an appointment by the end of the week. Read that these are great for creativity, and boy do I need some creative accounting to write this expense off…

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

@BlackMesaDevs “Scientists”.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

1 year

12 years since you got to know about my incredible legacy. HA you’re welcome.

LambdaGeneration

@LambdaGen

1 year

Portal 2 is now 12 years old Released April 18, 2011

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

@halfsamuel The audacity.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

Damned fine bunch of good looking people there.

Valve Archive

@ValveArchive

2 years

Portal/Portal 2/Other/Reference Photos/Cave & Caroline.jpg Found in folder:

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

Chariot Chariot.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

12 years

Going to have to re-iterate the no handshaking or hugging policy here at Aperture. Don't. Unless your test supervisor tells you otherwise.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 months

@GriffinWB HMM.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

It appears that I’m locked in my office. Tried shouting, but we made the walls sound proof to block out employees crying, worked like a charm. IT has yet to answer my emails, which just goes to prove why I fired them… Oh no.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

Back to testing everyone!

NVIDIA GeForce

@NVIDIAGeForce

2 years

#PortalRTX is out now! Relive the critically acclaimed and award-winning Portal reimagined with full ray tracing and the ground breaking AI-accelerated performance of NVIDIA DLSS 3. If you don't own Portal, it's now on sale for 90% off on Steam for a limited time.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

1 year

If you don’t like reality, just ignore it

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

Good news, called a 1pm all hands meeting to discuss the new company structure. Hate having to dig into the weeds like this, but felt like I could really streamline this process with a visual aid.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

1 year

X²

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

1 year

I would like to apologize to Doug Rattman for my misunderstanding of his situation. It was based on things I was told that were untrue or, in some cases, true, but not meaningful. He is considering remaining at Aperture.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

For all the negative things people say about Aperture Science, at least we haven’t thrown $44B into a fire yet. We only spent $7M on moon rocks. If anything, we’re fiscally responsible!

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

22 days

*ladies only. Gents, you’re on your own.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

22 days

Towels are banned, and I’ve been told by the gals in HR to say that it’s not about getting “naked”. It’s about experiencing a “different kind of sauna”. And honestly, its better for your health to avoid using towels to prevent any fungal infections. ‘Ole Cave cares and all.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

3 years

Good news for you hobos, miscreants and general poor-ies. Test subjects are now eligible* to receive a vaccine pending senior management approval, star sign, and current living status. Accepting applications now.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

Or try a REAL scientific opportunity at Aperture Science where we include such benefits as; - 100% employee paid insurance - Snacks (via vending machines) - Access to high powered, unregulated lasers - A desk (depending on experience)

Elephants Doing Crack | EDC

@ElephantDoCrack

2 years

So I was looking into the Blue Shift Manual I got. Apparently Black Mesa has something called "Mesa Rentals" where you presumably rent videos or movies at Black Mesa. My love for BMRF increases by the day. I don't care what anybody says, this is canon now. #halflife #valve

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

Congratulations to all of our new, legally bound employees. Excited to have you join the team for minimum state regulated wage, and no benefits. Please note, if strangers in lab coats grab you in the middle of the night, no need to fear, that’s just our procurement team.

Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

Everyone on Twitter has until 2:35PM PST tomorrow to opt out of our mandatory testing signup. Instructions to follow.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

6 years

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

That’s right, Cave Johnson here. Little blue tick and all, which the boys in the lab say makes me special and “not available for everyone for $8”. Let’s try and see Black Mesa qualify! ha!

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 months

@OssyFlawol 👀

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

6 years

When there’s a problem with a product, a quick rebrand solves most of the issues.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

Everyone on Twitter has until 2:35PM PST tomorrow to opt out of our mandatory testing signup. Instructions to follow.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

6 years

Let me be clear. “Voyd” is not using sanctioned Aperture Science portal technology and we’ll be suing her to the fullest extent of the law. Doesn’t matter if it’s a “power” or not, it’s our damned Intellectual Property dammit.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

5 years

Just imagine.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 years

It's been 3 years since you were first introduced to ME. And that little blue guy I guess. But mostly me. #Portal #valve

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

4 years

Clearly I'm a visionary.

Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

12 years

Going to have to re-iterate the no handshaking or hugging policy here at Aperture. Don't. Unless your test supervisor tells you otherwise.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

SCIENCE!

MONDO

@MondoNews

2 years

Thank you all! We'll be re-pressing more PORTAL 2 in 2023, (as well as *potentially* the original PORTAL). Stay tuned.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

It’s Monday, time to see how we can ruin an entire week by Wednesday.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

1 year

@f4micom 👀

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

11 months

@f4micom Excuse you WHAT?

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

7 years

10 years ago today, the first test subjects earned this delicious cake. Lucky dogs. #Portal

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

Look, if you want to pay someone $8 for nothing, the bean counters in finance would love to take it from you. Calling it the “Cave Johnson’s boat fund” and I give you a digital thumbs up(👍). We’re workshopping the name, as the marketing bozos say it’s too obviously a “scam”.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 years

Science isn't about why or why not. It's about blowing something up and letting the legal team figure out how we won't get sued.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

6 years

To those of you who were locked into Test Sphere #7 over the weekend, know that it wasn’t a mistake. We weren’t expecting you to resort to cannibalism so quickly, but we’re glad it was Jim. No one liked Jim. Side note, this counted as vacation time.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

6 years

Boys in the lab have finally figured out some more tests to do on the moon. Get those EV2 controllers on and try grinding up those moon rocks. Boys are telling me it’s much safe now, as we’re pretty sure you can’t smell Asbestos in space.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

5 years

Really? Train's left the station for your involvement in my exclusive title; Aperture Science: A Cave Johnson first person gamertorium experience. EVERYTHING IS DLC. WE WOULD HAVE MADE MILLIONS.

Valve

@valvesoftware

5 years

We’re excited to unveil Half-Life: Alyx, our flagship VR game, this Thursday at 10am Pacific Time. Can’t wait to share it with all of you!

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

7 years

So this is how the world ends. And I had nothing to do with it. No sir. We definitely didn't geneticically engineer an orange monkey-man.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

7 years

. @arhourigan LIES AND SLANDER. Just write "paid for by Black Mesa" on this.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

7 years

$21.6 Billion to build a wall? Ridiculous. I can buy moon rocks for half that price.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

9 years

Don't forget #LegoDimensions is now available, plus the #Portal2 level pack Sadly no figure of your favorite CEO yet http://t.co/3WECT9hGyO

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

11 months

@iitsAP_ @heavyfortres First, it’s Mr. Johnson to you kiddo. Secondly, I’ve got people and machines that handle that kind of secretary work.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

12 years

Welcome to Aperture! This guy'll be your tour guide. Kinda quiet though. #Portal #Aperture http://t.co/ygDCESp1

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

5 years

Don't know what to do with those flimsy, meaty hands? Get Aperture Hand Lab now for FREE* and welcome to the darned future!

Cheap Ass Gamer

@videogamedeals

5 years

(PCDD VR) Aperture Hand Lab is Free via Steam.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

12 years

Combustible Lemon Test 174-C was not very successful... http://t.co/SHzDVr1Q

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

4 years

Chariots.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 years

At Aperture we don't do silly pretend games. We'll strap you into rocket, point it at something hard and see if you can still walk afterward

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

5 years

@Xbox

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

5 years

@Xbox Sounds like someone’s ready to test!

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

7 years

It's #NationalPuppyDay ! So if you're looking to donate puppies for Science, please dropoff in the mail slot before 5pm.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

7 years

Needless to say, this is the most important thing you'll see all day.

Headup

@HeadupGames

7 years

Welcome back to the Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center! We're now hiring Construction Engineers to expand our production Pipeline. #BridgeConstructor #Portal

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

13 years

How do you feel about your feet? Like ‘em? Good, because if this next test works, you’ll have five of ‘em.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

4 years

Lies and slander.

Tyler McVicker

@Tyler_McV

4 years

Chell is Cave Johnson’s little sister.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

2 years

@Ld00d Cake is not guaranteed, unless you’re looking to test our Fire-Proof Cake Mix, which has the albeit ironic ability to self combust.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 years

In exchange, we'll give you an extra hour in the ball pit. You're WELCOME.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

12 years

Only one more turret to finish this damned collection.... #Portal #valve #turret http://t.co/dNEHDLgP

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

5 years

@videogamedeals

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

11 years

Science.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

9 years

If you're here for the 'Free Medical Exam', Caroline's telling me you have about 4 hours of legal docs ahead of you. So enjoy that.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

11 years

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean we stop testing people. It just means we put some tinsel on the turrets and spray paint the cubes.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

12 years

Sending my ASHPD back to the @lab_boys for a repair. Gotta reinforce those focal clasps, those suckers are delicate. http://t.co/fZ6armji

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 years

"Do you get along with your co-workers?" Who the hell are my co-workers? I have subordinates And automatons…but they're not on the payroll

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

9 years

I love you Black Mesa.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

9 years

Science waits for no man, woman, AI, or whatever the hell is making that noise in the basement I'm told the lab boys are calling it Charles

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

11 years

Caroline, get that damned computer to deploy the confetti, it's Day 3 of the Steam Summer Sale.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

6 years

Good morning employees and unwitting subjects! Donuts are in the break room, and may contain trace amounts of radiation. Let us know how they taste! (And any debilitating side effects).

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

11 years

Did you forget to get your loved/hated one a present for Christmas? Don't worry. Aperture Science has you covered. Portal 2 is only $5 today

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 years

Cave Johnson. Hero to the homeless, mentally unstable and adorable orphans. Only adorable orphans though. http://t.co/1j249xtj89

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

7 years

"Right and wrong". What does it mean for business? We have no idea. We KNOW what wrong is. Actually no we don't, because we're successful.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

4 years

@KritzKast @Loafxd @NVIDIAGeForce Boys down in the lab say you’re wrong, and my gal in charge of product development would love to discuss the matter further.

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Cave Johnson

@CaveJohnson

10 years

*crackle* This thing on? Sounds like the boys in the lab finally got the damned intercom working again I'm sure you've all missed my voice

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