Catherine Wilkins @Catiewilkins Twitter profile

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Catherine Wilkins

10 years

Sign in Doctor's surgery said, "Cancer Doesn't Discriminate." I thought, 'blimey, even cancer is trying to distance itself from Ukip.'

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Last Seen Profiles

@alwaysmakelove

@urbaesyxtz

@Ningninb

@loves_fealty

@omarsakrpoet

@bokeplokalmalam

@Atsushi_Miyauci

@tbad2l

@_TheRealJayWill

@recon2sg

@wakuri_1

@nsnforkkk

@moasher10

@14_kaiju

@safetyzonn

@ashlinotashley_

@Miyasaffnet

@Paul_O_Williams

@f__alomar

@jleslieeeee

@NKYMJIRO

@based_on_media

@ClementineeeEN

@brenotsaucy

@schieritz

@neilbhatt4

@_____fffffffff

@MoncrieffMusic

@NysseNystrom

@thePiggsBoson

@tbad2l

@geyminae

@saadverse213

@OficialJoao

@lycheefrost

@relbytes

Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

It’s taken 2 years and 4 months, but after watching my daughter adorably lead my son around soft play, while I drank a cup of tea, I’m finally glad we had 2 kids.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Whenever the tube announces “exit here for Buckingham Palace” I picture the Queen getting up, saying, “well this is my stop”

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

Dolly Parton said if you want the rainbow you have to put up with the rain, and I feel like that’s a lot like how if you want a smoothie, you have to put up with washing the smoothie maker afterwards.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Sometimes my kids interrupt me so much I feel like I’m on a panel show.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

My kids went to sleep when when England were winning. If they wake at 4am and check Twitter, it’s literally how I experienced brexit (and trump).

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

With mild disdain and confusion

Steve Oliver

@SteveOliver76

3 years

Find someone who looks at you the way @Catiewilkins looks at @Herring1967 ❤

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

I think I would enjoy the Joe Wicks workout videos more if 1984 didn’t start with the nation forced to start the day with exercises from a video in the wall.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

1 year

Kids have realised they can call @Herring1967 ‘Dick’ and no one can stop them. Truly a magical age.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

“Mummy, another thing we need for my party is music.” “Your party that’s in 5 months?” “Yes, we need music for it Mummy.” “Ok. What kind? Disney? Pop music?” “Alien music” “What exactly is-?” “And with a dragon in it. Do you have that on your phone Mummy?” “Ummm...”

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

My 5yo recently declared she’s not always sure if she needs a poo or a fart, so she sometimes sits on the toilet ‘just to be safe.’ The student has truly become the master.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

I have found the 'My Hero' essay I wrote about @Dawn_French in 1996. I am embarrassed about my writing but I stand by my proclamation that French and Saunders are ‘better than Neighbours’ #comedyfan #Dawnsaidshewantedtoreadit

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Kid has come up with the BEST excuse to get out of anything she doesn’t want to do: “But Mummy, I have to follow my heart.”

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

Telling everyone, ‘you need soap actually, not hand sanitiser’ is the new ‘Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster.’

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Oh phew. I thought I’d accidentally taught my daughter to swear, but it turns out she just can’t say ‘funky facts’ properly.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

1 year

I wrote a one liner a decade ago that still works, tho might alienate young people. “I put my phone on airplane settings and it told me not to call it Shirley”

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

Actually think driving while a toddler asks you questions should be part of the test.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

9 months

Just found out my 6yo did a ‘show and tell’ about visiting the Tower of London, and brought in a ‘gem stone’ he told everyone he’d stolen from the Crown Jewels. We are crushing our educational trips @Herring1967

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 years

7yo: “they should have made this a cartoon, then kids would want to watch it”

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

8 years

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing disenfranchised voters that the EU caused austerity, instead of the Tories.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

11 months

Instead of ‘goodbye’ my 5yo has started yelling, ‘see you in hell sucker!’

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

“Phoebe, can you say ‘gravity’?” “I can say lots of words Mummy. I can say poo poo and wee wee and those are very funny words.”

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

7 years

Very proud of my mainly terrible answers on Pointless. (I did warn @Herring1967 I'd be awful).

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

7 years

I don't believe anyone actually enjoys golf. I think they're all lying to try and fit in.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

9 months

@Herring1967 @Dawn_French Cool kids ❤️

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

School has taught anatomically correct words for genitals and now my 6yo is singing about vaginas.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Big shout out to everyone who has their Christmas party tonight, and has to risk drinking alcohol around people who voted to destroy everything you hold dear.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

8 years

Don't want to react 'too emotionally' or help them turn us against each other. But after 24 hrs reflection I do hate everyone who voted out.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

KID 1: Hey look! The sky is orange. KID 2: (crying) I wanted to say the sky is orange! Good morning from emotions house.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

Health professional at Ernie’s 1 year check: And how is your mental health? Me: I’m pretty sure I’m sane! HAHAHAHA! Health professional: (stares coldly) I mean are you depressed? Me: well, a bit, now.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

This morning my 2 yo cried because he wanted to see my 4yo’s poo in the toilet, but my husband had already flushed it away.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

There’s an episode of Friends where Emma turns one, and they make a video to show her when she’s 18, in the year 2020. It’s not even an early episode, it’s from season 10. WE ARE OLD NOW. (Yes I am still on deadline, why?)

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

😁❤️

Richard K Herring

@Herring1967

3 years

Anniversary card from my daughter. Looks like I’ve come out well in scoring, but sadly that’s “mummy, I love you infinity. Dady I love you 10.” Happy anniversary @Catiewilkins . I also love you ♾

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

I just signed it!

Richard K Herring

@Herring1967

5 years

Nearly 3 million people have signed this now. That is incredible. And my wife who hates Brexit hasn’t done it yet, so there’s at least one more to go

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

Happy birthday @Herring1967 your cake designer has eclectic taste.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

8 years

Me: "I can't sleep, I'm so upset about brexit." Husband: "just lay back and don't think of england."

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

Just accidentally collided with a vagina height stair-gate. I really thought the days when my children destroyed that part of my body were behind me.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 years

Just remembered in Edinburgh my 4yo called my mum a ‘white haired goon’

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

I have invented a warm up exercise called ‘trying to put on my sports bra’ It’s part cardio, part resistance stretching, with some light balance work.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

1 year

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

8 years

If this was an episode of Brooklyn 99, Trump would only be president for 3 eps, then Barack would be back. Real life is terrible.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

Put drop dead Fred on for the kids. Forgot the word shit pops up within 1 minute. But we’re in this now.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

But it feels like longer RT @Herring1967 : This monster has been ruining our lives for 1 year and 3 hours.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

I’m sorry you feel you need an apology. I mean congrats. This is the big one.

Richard K Herring

@Herring1967

4 years

Oh @Catiewilkins Me1 vs Me2 Snooker would never amount to anything hey? Well looks like Ian BBC2 (he plays Ian BBC1 at snooker) doesn’t agree with you I await my apology.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

3yo just scream-cried ‘put me back in the egg!’ Which (with his rudimentary understanding of the life-cycle) is a 3yo shouting ‘I wish I’d never been born!’

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Women get written out of history because they get written out of the present.

Hannah George

@HannahMGeorge

5 years

😡 So many of the headlines are doing this, it’s infuriating.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Having a lovely birthday. My family brought me cake in bed and then spilt water on me. This is how I hoped turning 39 would be.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

Outraged at Mash Report being cancelled. I love that show. I was so impressed with how they still made an awesome show during lockdown and I was really looking forward to watching it again.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 years

This guy ❤️

Richard K Herring

@Herring1967

2 years

Can’t believe it’s 10 years since I made this woman’s Ferrero Rocher dreams come true. Can’t believe she still wants to be with me. We’ve lasted long enough to be rewarded with tin or aluminium. She’s getting a can of coke. With no coke in it. Happy anniversary @Catiewilkins

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 years

“Technically it was 90% cheers, 10% boos” is also a great reframe for any panto villains feeling sad this season.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 months

Somehow ended up explaining about Thatcher and the miners on the way to school, and at drop off my son immediately shouted to his friends: ‘Don’t vote Tory!’ This election will be hotly contested amongst the 6yo’s.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

1 year

My tiny baby turns 8 today. She is more sassy and good at football than I will ever be. She thinks the back of the knee should be called ‘the opposite of shin pads’. You’re welcome.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

10 years

Obligatory travel joke... I put my phone on airplane settings and it told me not to call it Shirley

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

My 5yo wrote a joke: Knock knock Who’s there? Gingerbread man Gingerbread man who? He poos on the windowsill and says ‘ooh what’s that sweet smell’

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

8 years

Phoebe just refused chocolate and now Rich wants a paternity test.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

7 years

I tried to be subtle, but a child still saw me take a selfie with my books in Norwich library.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

Is #booforboris 8pm Tuesday Really a thing?

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

I’m so confused by Piers Morgan’s third act narrative. If you put that in a script you’d be told to re-write it for being random and unrealistic. Unless he got visited by 3 ghosts.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Walked past a man on other side of street cutting hedge with a chainsaw, leaves falling on pavement. Phoebe shouted “Tidy this mess up you baddie!” He stopped and crossed the road towards us. For a second I thought he’d heard and wanted vengeance, but just checking hedge even.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Can I please just pay 10p or whatever on Paypal to read one article on the other side of a pay wall. I don’t have the admin time to join any more cults.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

My baby is asleep in a cafe and I want to kill everyone who orders a smoothie.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Don’t mean to brag about my awesome Friday night, but I spotted my baby’s poo face and yanked him out of the bath, just in time to catch a tiny amount in the potty. So, you know.. don’t hate me cos you ain’t me 💅🦹‍♀️😬

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

Us: Maybe if we let the kids stay up to half ten, they’ll sleep in? 4am seagulls: HAHAHAHA

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

8 years

Richard "I don't need a spoon" Herring proving a worthless point #someonestilllikesyoghurt

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

We bought this book because it was recommended about sibling tension and stuff, but I have honestly never felt more seen.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

KID: I don’t want to be pop star anymore, I’m going to be a scientist because I’m good at building things. US: Cool. You could do both? KID: No, but then I won’t have my weekends.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 years

If you haven’t seen the menopause sketch that @drunkwomenpod won @thewritersguild for, you can watch it here #wggbawards

Remember getting the period talk at school? #Menopause

A sketch from the women behind hit podcast Drunk Women Solving Crime.#menopause #drunkwomensolvingcrime #menopausesketch #menstruation #feminism #period #per...

www.youtube.com

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

I’m not even researching a case and somehow I just read that Queen Victoria took Cannabis for period pain.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

“I do not agree with what you tweet, but I would withstand a mild twitter pile-on for your right to stay just within twitters obscenity guidelines” - Voltweet

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

9 years

Ok. So chanting 'down it' at a baby to make them hurry up feeding so we can go out, doesn't work.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

8 years

Be ironic if the Queen did back Brexit and then ends up shipped back to Germany.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

I don’t get how some people blame their racism or sexism on being ‘a generational thing’ and yet, those same people have welcomed ALEXA into their lives.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

This is definitely a good idea

Richard K Herring

@Herring1967

3 years

RHLSTP with the frankly amazing @Catiewilkins in 30 mins (8pm start) live and free on Twitch

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 years

Just once I would like to see a TV show, where instead of waiting quietly for whatever plot points the adults have going on, the kids are running around like fucking idiots, loudly pretending to be dogs, and ignoring all the pleas to put their shoes on.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

How many minutes did you clap for? Signing this petition takes less time than that.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

Me: Phoebe, I need to wipe that ketchup off your face. Phoebe: Remember mummy, looks don’t matter, it’s how you feel that matters.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

It’s pottery dude

Richard K Herring

@Herring1967

4 years

And no snooker tonight as I celebrate my 8th wedding anniversary with my amazing wife. And no snooker is my gift to her.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

I ❤️ Europe.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

10 years

Sick of the phrase 'whining like a little girl' let's replace it with more accurate alternative, 'whining like a MRA.'

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

I’m not saying my day has been underproductive, but I just ticked ‘tea and kitkat’ off my to do list.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

Happy anniversary fellow lockdown caregiver ❤️

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

Happy men’s month everyone!

Drunk Women Solving Crime

@drunkwomenpod

4 years

Are men funnny? We hope to answer this age old question this month with Men’s Month! So far our research has confirmed @MrNishKumar , @tomallencomedy , #AdamBuxton and @RomeshRanga are absolutely bloody hilarious. Please enjoy this trailer - episodes out every Wednesday in Nov!🥂🕵️‍♂️

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Fun maths: if your baby wakes up at 5.10am, you turn Cbeebies on about 5.45, (while the pre show ads are on) how many times will you hear Andy say ‘this is a whole troop of lemurs’ before 6am? #nicheparentingcrap #EdFringe

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 years

Today is my birthday and all I want is #generalelectionnow world peace, sane people in charge, a funded NHS and for my stomach to stop hurting.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 months

None of my jokes are as funny as my kid telling me he can do an Australian accent, and then (in an English accent) saying, “I’m from Australia mate.”

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

7 years

Well at least there's comedy mileage in calling the Former United Kingdom FUK.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

3 years

Green light this ASAP

Joe Wells (Neurodivergent Moments Podcast out now)

@joewellscomic

3 years

TV Idea: #NotAllSnakes Men who say "Not All Men" are introduced to a variety of snakes. Not all of them are venomous.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

The other day my mum dislocated her shoulder, popped it back in HERSELF, and carried on with her life not realising it was fractured for two more days. But I’ve been struggling with a bit of food caught between my teeth. So we’re all actually pretty brave. It’s not a competition.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 years

Been massively enjoying ‘Backstage with Katherine Ryan’ on Amazon Prime lately. Loving @Kathbum and the other awesome comics 👌 #toptips #topcomedy

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

8 years

Most surreal day ever (not counting the day I gave birth)

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

White people arguing with this are the worst. White privilege doesn’t mean all your stupid dreams come true; it means you’re not additionally subjected to institutional racism, intrinsic bias, racial slurs shouted in the street, racially motivated violent hate crime, longerjail..

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Airplane, but three times

Netflix Tudum

@NetflixTudum

5 years

Here’s a scenario: You’re dating someone new. What three films do you show them first?

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

If you've ever wondered what I think of stone clearing, now you can find out.. ("he's not hurting anyone and it keeps him away from the robots")

Richard K Herring

@Herring1967

6 years

The video RHLSTP with the dipsomaniacal Drunk Women Solving Crime @drunkwomenpod is up in the usual places youtube - itunes - FREE BEER- FUNNY BOOK - FUNNY DVD

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

6 years

Someone should change the lyrics to 'Baby It's Cold Outside' to be about a woman trying to leave a party but her female friends want her to have one more drink. It could be called 'Girlsquad I Hate The Nightbus' or 'Sandra Don't Be Boring' or 'Becky Has A Baby And SHE'S staying.'

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

10 years

This Newsagents knows NOTHIN http://t.co/1SOrBE0q8J

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

Dipping in and out of Twitter, watching @Herring1967 ‘s Sisyphean task. Amazing how many trolls are demanding famous women who tweet about IWD tell them when IMD is. I bet this is ironically the worst day to be a woman on twitter. #IWD

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

2 years

I really wanted to have such a big tidy up today. But then I remembered we don’t always get what we want. It was a tough lesson.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

You know you’re spending too long researching murder cases when every time you feel tired you wonder if you’ve been poisoned.

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

4 years

My Grandpa, Colin Wilkins. When I was 9, he put a packet of penguin bars in the raffle, then chose them as his prize, for us. Then when I won, he swapped them back, so I could choose penguin bars instead of tinned sweet corn. Also he fought in the war Etc @Herring1967 #IMD

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Catherine Wilkins

@Catiewilkins

5 years

Rich: there was no Netflix when I was 4. Phoebe: Wow! Only CBeebies?

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