[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that's fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats "alright alright alright alright" starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
What happened in Paul Rudd's early life that made him so genuine, so nice, so witty, so talented, so RELENTLESSLY CHARMING?? We need the formula so we can replicate it in every guy ever everywhere from now on forever. An entire planet of Paul Rudds please
Dear men of tinder:
Owning a house isn't a personality trait
Listing the countries you've been to isn't a personality trait
Having abs isn't a personality trait
Owning a dog IS a personality trait though, what's it's name I love it
Me: there's just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here's the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it's Curt
Me: here's the thing Curd. I'm gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Schrödinger: hey look I've got a real live little kitty in this box
Assistant: CUTE let me see!
Schrödinger: it COULD be dead, we don't know! Haha!
Assistant: is everything okay at home man?
[First date at an aquarium]
Me: if I opened a seafood restaurant I would serve a sharkuterie board
Him:
Me: SHARK-uterie
Him: uhh
Me: *under breath* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵈᵃᵗᵉ ᶦˢ ᶠˡᵒᵘⁿᵈᵉʳᶦⁿᵍ
Executioner: any last words?
Me: there should be a salad dressing that's a cross between french and ranch and it should be called franch
Executioner: this is why I come to work everyday, tbh
Them: how's your depression?
Me: well, I cried in the shower today-
Them: omg I'm so sorry you're still struggling
Me: *was trying to brag about having actually showered* yes, thank you
Jesus fuck people are dying mad about it in the quote tweets. I showed my brother this tweet and he laughed and asked "did you actually do it??"
Some families have fun together, who woulda thought
Him: so you're into video games?
Me *lied on my dating profile*: y-yes
Him: do you play zelda?
Me: mmhmm yup
Him: favorite temple?
Me *visibly sweating*: ummm I'd have to say Shirley? Probably?
I thought it was weird the other day when I read on this package "soft jelly WOMEN AND JELLY MEN" like why not just jelly people, and then today we realized
Him: I'm leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer's Eve™...
Me: parting is such sweet and sour :(
Twitter has ruined me. I routinely now use the phrase "my brother in christ..." when expressing incredulity and people look at me like I'm some religious nut
[Walking up to cashier]
Me: hi, I'd like to buy a thousand fire ants
Employee: this is.... this is a bed bath and beyond
Me: yeah I know, *whispering* ᵀʰᶦˢ ᶠᵃˡˡˢ ᵘⁿᵈᵉʳ ᵗʰᵉ "ᵇᵉʸᵒⁿᵈ"
ME AS A DOCTOR, *shining my pen light into the patient's eyes*: just checking that everything is in working order....*clicks it off* this is great news
Patient’s wife: do you mean he may wake up soon?
Me: oh God, no. I just thought my pen light was broken
Me: "hey what time do you want to eat dinner?"
Him: "I dunno, I'm not picky. 6:30, 7?"
Me, *to myself* "damn, that's specific"
Me, into the phone, "Yes, table for two for 6:37."
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let's play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy... even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Being single and ~30 is so much worse when you also work with a lot of hot 23-25 yr olds that are all getting married and buying houses and real wood furniture with their dual incomes and I'm over here sleeping on a mattress that I got off of Craigslist.
Nice mattress though.
Turned my awful date last night into a drinking game:
Every time he mansplained: drink
Every time he talked for more than 5 mins without me getting a word in: drink
Every time he had an offensive hard line opinion on something formed from a single anecdote: drink
Every time h
Here ya go,
@SheRatesDogs
. My objectively drop dead GORGEOUS coworker got asked out by a guy at the dog park, went on a date, wasn't feeling it, there was a quick awkward kiss at the end of the date, told him how she felt through text... AND THIS MADNESS ENSUED
[First date]
Him: are you pretty social or are you a homebody?
Me: *flashes back to Friday night when I fed a clump of dog hair to my roomba like a treat and said "good boyyy"*
Me: oh super social, so many friends tbh
Video game exec: okay we need an animal to portray the lead character, whose only defining quality is that it's REALLY REALLY FAST
Brenda: Cheetah?
Exec: fuck no Brenda
Todd, who wasn't listening: *mouth full of milk duds* hedgehog.
Exec: GODDAMN PERFECT Todd
[Winning the lottery]
Me: I wish for unlimited wishes
Lotto representative: Ma'am that's not how this works
Me: I WISH FOR MY DOG TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO ME
Me: ok with all this social isolating, it's the perfect time to start my book!
*typing*
Microwaving for One:
The Single Woman's Guide to
Optimizing Culinary Sadness
Me: Chapter One:
The Box is Lying, Why You
Don't Need to Remove and Stir
Went on a first date and ended up meeting the new love of my life. Putting in an application for "Al" who will definitely get renamed something from zelda
I fuckin love model homes- yessssss bitch show me the life I can't have and will never ever be able to have. Absolutely wreck me, fuck me up, look at your fuckin neutral decor and bowl of lemons on the counter... Hurt me harder
Me, to my sim: why are you putting your dish on the coffee table?? The dishwasher is RIGHT THERE
My sim, *breaking the fourth wall and looking right at me*: you fucking hypocrite