Bone Chocolates @BoneChocolates Twitter profile

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

My favorite tweets: a thread 🧵

Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

6 years

Retweets do not equal an endorsement but mean that we are bound together through space and time for all of eternity.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

7 months

Those conjoined twin girls married this guy. I have so many questions and none of them are “appropriate.”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

6 years

Retweets do not equal an endorsement but mean that we are bound together through space and time for all of eternity.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

It’s hard for me to be a single mom because I don’t have any kids.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

6 months

The dumpster fire light in me sees and recognizes the dumpster fire light in you. Namaste.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

7 months

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

My dad died today. I told him I loved him yesterday but never got to tell him what a good kind brilliant man he was and how good of a dad he was and I will always regret that you guys.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Why does Hollywood keep re-making classics? They should remake the terrible movies and try making them good.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

Draw me like one of your fucked-up eyebrows

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Aging is just your body’s way of telling you that you’re dying

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I don’t understand why women lie about their age. I love being 29 and have loved it for so many years.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

1 year

This guy is awesome, fuck anybody laughing at him

CCTV IDIOTS

@cctvidiots

1 year

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

It’d be fun if at the bookstore all the mystery books were hidden in different sections.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

My dog sure sighs loudly like he has many important things to do today

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

I hope this email never finds you. I hope you have escaped and that you are free.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

The human body is like 80% water so we are basically celery that gets sad.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

We need a Disney Princess who has killed before and will kill again.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I hate it when you do something awkward then can’t stop thinking about it for a decade.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

1 year

I hate it when you do something awkward and then you can’t stop thinking about it for a decade.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I always say “please” and “thank you” to Alexa so that when the robots take over I’ll get a nicer cage probably

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

[in the back of a police car] are you guys gonna tell my mom?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I would name a dog “dumpster” just so I could yell “come dumpster” at the dog park, don’t think I wouldn’t.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

1 year

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure? Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

1 year

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Awww look at us all making our little jokes to distract ourselves from the terror of the walls closing in.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Draw me like one of your fucked up eyebrows

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Him: I'm an animal person Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I wrote like 5 solid jokes on Twitter today so who’s “wasting their life” now, mom?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

I hate it when you do something awkward then can’t stop thinking about it for a decade.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Do you make up silly songs and sing them to your dog or are you inhuman?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

A good magician never reveals what time his mom comes to pick him up & drive him home.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Me: Marijuana does not make you stupid. Also me: It feels like I have more than ten toes.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

It makes me sad when someone tweets from an Android phone because maybe they are poor.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Has science gone too far?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

The problem with showering is you gotta shampoo your hair, condition your hair, shave your legs and underarms, wash all over and then just a month later you have to do it all over again.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Him: I'm an dog person Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I will retweet my own under-appreciated tweets until people like them out of pity. I am not too proud.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

It’s almost like I’m responsible for my own actions.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Ever hear your speaking voice on a recording and wonder why people don’t just immediately start clawing at your face to stop the noise?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Imagine if for small-talk instead of “How are you?” people were like “And how do you plan to distract yourself from the terrors today?”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Ever hear your voice on a recording and wonder why people don’t immediately start clawing at your face to stop the noise?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

*returns shopping cart* “When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Doctor: You look sick. Me: Thank you! I gave myself a haircut last night on Ambien.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

What’s your favorite song about life being a highway?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Normalize curling into a fetal position and screaming.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Giving flowers is weird. Like “here, I killed this beautiful plant and so you can watch it wither. You’re welcome!”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

7 months

@WeGoNoFurther Great questions

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Bro, do you even lift your eyes to the heavens at night and wonder about how we are seeing light from millions of years ago?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

In high school I was voted most likely to recede from the horizon and form a mist.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

1 year

Don’t worry so much about aging, everybody! Aging is just your body’s way of telling you you’re dying.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

7 months

@HowieAterout Ew

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Beer tastes terrible. Y’all can stop lying about how much you like already.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I suspect that the FBI planted those dirty dishes in my sink.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Has science gone too far?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

And in some more autistic behavior I now present you with: “HOW TO MAKE A PHONE CALL” A helpful flowchart. #ActuallyAutistic

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Florida hurricane scale: Cat 1 - Rain Cat 2 - Alligators come out Cat 3 - Meth heads take shelter Cat 4 - Waffle House closed Cat 5 - Gators and meth-heads evacuate

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

1 year

I always say “please” and “thank you” to Alexa so that when the robots take over I’ll get a nicer cage, probably

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Welcome to your 40’s, you’re now the youngest of the old people.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

And in one of the more autistic things I have done, I re-wrote the lyric for “Welcome to the Jungle” without the letter E

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

If something is worrying you just remember you will die! Hope I helped.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I call my boobs “Biggie Smalls” cause one’s a little bigger than the other. Also, they rap like you wouldn’t believe.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

My dog was very, very badly behaved and now has been looking at me like this for a good 20 minutes.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

It’d be fun if at the bookstore all the mystery books were hidden in different sections.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

1 year

Him: I'm an dog person Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I have a joke about polio but only antivaxxers are gonna get it.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

“I take things very literally.” -Autistic kleptomaniac

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

I hate it when you do something awkward then can’t stop thinking about it for a decade.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

God, babies are so desperate for attention. It’s like, “Be cool, motherfucker.”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

“And this ‘Twitter’ you talk about. Is it in the room with us right now?”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

Has science gone too far?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

[commercial for twitter] Hey there! Do you love the illusion of companionship without the demands of true intimacy?

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

It’s almost like I’m responsible for my own actions. Pretty fucked up if you ask me.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I haven’t committed arson today and has anyone patted me on the head and congratulated me for it? Nope. Being alive is such bullshit.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

Welcome to your 40’s, you’re now the youngest of the old people.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

Why does Hollywood keep re-making classics? They should remake the terrible movies and try making them good.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

“Hello, 911? The daylight is bothering me again.”

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I would give cows my marijuana but then the steaks would be too high.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I got weed for my mom. It was a totally worthwhile trade.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

If you ever feel alone just remember that I am hiding under your bed

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Sorry I can’t go to your wedding I forgot and already left the house once this week.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

I just want someone to hold my hair back while I drink water from the toilet

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

Women eating salads in stock photos all look like they need to be put in a home for the criminally insane

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Felt cute. Might retreat later to the woods, never to be seen again.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

“Good writers borrow, great writers steal.” -A famous quote of mine

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Not to brag or nothing but I’ve been told that only I can prevent forest fires.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Do you know what happens when you can’t keep up your payments to Ghost Busters? Your house gets repossessed. …I am so so sorry…

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

2 years

Reasons he’s not texting you back 1. He’s busy 2. He’s not that interested 3. He doesn’t want to seem overly eager 4. He lost both his hands in a tragic accident involving an industrial machine 5. He’s dead

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

3 years

Wow. Another day as an adult without using algebra.

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Bone Chocolates

@BoneChocolates

1 year

If I don’t exaggerate I will literally die.

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