Bird Eckler @Birdeckler Twitter profile

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

Welcome to Twitter. Someone with zero sense of humor will be along to misunderstand your obvious sarcasm shortly.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

2 months

This is the picture they chose for this article…

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

You ok, Babe? You haven’t even touched your shrekfast

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

6 months

Are you ever typing out a long reply and then just stop and think “You know what? I don’t care about this”, and then just delete it? Yeah, me too.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

I think the main reason I will never join a cult is probably all the mandatory meetings.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

@highbrow_nobrow Knowingly possessing and distributing counterfeit currency is a federal crime, so… @FBI @SecretService

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

If you tidy up your table at restaurants and stack the dishes, to make it easier on the person bussing it, you’re my people

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

8 months

@Nantanreikan As I always say, “Most people are disgusting when they think no one is looking”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

Me, after every conversation I have ever had:

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

I have an alarm set that goes off every single day at the same time, to remind me to take a medication, and every single day, my husband asks what that alarm is for.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

This 3 year old should be a life coach

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

Just a reminder that white chocolate is not chocolate and is in fact made of lies.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

@PicturesFoIder Let’s be honest. Willem Dafoe ate this

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

29 days

Am I intelligent? Definitely. Am I also a silly, stupid idiot? Absolutely.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

She died doing what she loved, trying to find something to watch

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

6 months

@jbfan911 This made me laugh way harder than it should have

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

No one warns you how often, as an adult, you will curse at inanimate objects as if they should know better.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

7 months

The mid-life crisis is kinda pointless nowadays. It’s just everything is a crisis now. Whole-life crisis.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

First of all, why was Jon ever feeding Garfield lasagna in the first place?

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

The biggest lie from D.A.R.E., was that drug dealers are just super generous.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

7 months

Welcome to your 40s, now when you watch action movies, all you can think about is how much property damage they’re causing

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

“My coffee tastes weird”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

My husband HATES mayonnaise. So whenever I don’t want to share what I’m eating, I tell him there’s mayonnaise in it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t, but who knows 🤷‍♀️

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

No. Obviously no.

Elon Musk - Parody

@elonmuskADO

3 months

Be Honest! The name 𝕏 is far better than Twitter. Yes or No?

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

8 months

@notcapnamerica She obviously doesn’t understand what paycheck to paycheck means. She’s definitely never had to take out a payday loan to pay the electricity and get just a few groceries

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

No one prepared me for just how many pairs of scissors I would have to buy as an adult.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

Gonna start ending all my emails with this gif

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

Them: If you were an animal, what would you be? Me:

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

@ElyKreimendahl As I always say, the worst people on earth are girls between the ages of 13 and 15.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

Some of you have never had to open your door to pay in the drive-thru and it shows

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

“So, I have always wanted to be put into a medically induced coma.” Architect: “Say no more”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

7 months

@PicturesFoIder I would absolutely walk my cart in between them, no hesitation

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

He’s a classically trained mime She’s makes Artisanal salad dressings Their budget is 935,000 dollars

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then show themselves scraping plates before putting them in the dishwasher.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

6 months

Back in my day, you made one call from your landline to make plans and then went places and just waited to see if people showed up.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

It’s so funny how men just decide in their 30s that “Yep, this is the hairstyle I’m going to go with for the rest of my life.”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

8 months

@tiff4mahogany “We don’t have a big house” *pans to big house*

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

6 months

When I say “the other day” it could mean any time before now. Earlier today? Maybe. Last week? Sure. 28 years ago? Who knows?

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

Gonna single-handedly bring back calling people “Dweeb”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

Me and my husband: Man, we really need to get back in shape! Husband: So…pizza? Me: *immediately orders pizza*

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

2 months

Goals

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

(Being in your 40s) Husband: “Why did you get up so early if you’re still tired?” Me: “I had to pee and by the time I got back, I had been awake too long”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

8 months

@Bornakang NGL I wish all cooking videos were this

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

I think a lot of people misunderstand the difference between “I disagree with you” And “You’re wrong”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

I wish I had the false confidence that my husband has when he says “Don’t worry about it. I’ll get up early and do it.”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

7 months

@BadMedicalTakes I don’t think he understands what happens with babies’ skulls after birth…by that I mean that he definitely doesn’t

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

I’m a good friend to have. If you cancel plans, you can rest assured that I will never try to convince you otherwise.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

Not to brag you guys, but I apparently married a man who knows everything about everything. I know, you’re jealous.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

26 days

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

@ecareyo Her parents were really into probable eventualities

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

2 months

I love how we all agree that beyond all the crazy stupid shit going on, hating on Dolly Parton is a definite step too far.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

7 months

@Komaniecki_R “How to strangle your baby with crafts!”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

Potpourri has really taken a dive in popularity since the 90s

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

Gen Z will be like “OMG! New life hack!” And then show you how to cross at a crosswalk.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

2 months

When you go to your kid’s 3rd grade parent-teacher conference

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

Don’t take criticism from people that you wouldn’t take advice from.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

2 months

Hang on, I have to find just the right show to put on, to completely ignore while I screw around on my phone.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

2 months

I got 99 problems and at least 87 of them could be solved with ten thousand dollars. 😭😩🥺

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

@RonFilipkowski Whoever did her implants should be arrested.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

6 months

@MerriamWebster Nip it in the butt (bud), whole other ballpark (ballgame), I could care less (couldn’t), doggy dog world (dog eat), Hunger pains (pangs), wet your appetite (whet), card shark (sharp), deep-seeded (seated). and one that drives me particularly crazy, could of (have)

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

7 months

@emilykmay So she’s offended by the innocent wording of a factual statement, but not by comparing autism to horrific diseases…got it

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

8 months

@LEBassett Time to call a lawyer, and maybe the news

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

@RohitaKadambi 100% the correct answer

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

2 months

The person you are when a fly gets in your house, is the real you

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

6 months

I feel like the difference between stew and soup is chewing.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

I’m secretly judging you by how you say “espresso”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

@fesshole Then tell him all of that instead of telling people on the internet

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

On behalf of all women: Sir, go fuck yourself.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

2 months

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

*posts something I think is hilarious* *checks notifications every 2 minutes* “Why hasn’t everyone on the internet seen this yet?!”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

“Anybody know where I can get some Ooze and a giant rat sensei?”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

9 months

@BadMedicalTakes *gestures to all of history*

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

8 months

@scrumble_eggs Who the f*ck are these for?!

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

When you reach your 40s:

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

A dating app for curmudgeonly seniors called Grumble

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

6 months

@CreepyOrg There’s actually a really interesting and very sad documentary about it called Dreams of a Life

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

7 days

Whomever has my voodoo doll, please give it some electrolytes

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

I’m at the point now, where it’s easier to never drink than to ever deal with a hangover in my 40s.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

7 months

My New Year’s resolutions are to do some things and to not do some other things. We’ll hammer out the details later.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

6 months

@acnewsitics @NYPDHateCrimes @ManhattanDA @NewYorkFBI This is ridiculous. Do something.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

18 days

My drug of choice is whimsy

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

6 months

It’s never a bad time for cake. Celebrating? Cake. Sad? Cake. Stressed? Cake. Welcoming someone? Cake. Cake is a universally connecting force.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

My husband’s anti-vax, flat-earther, falls-for-every-single-conspiracy coworker can’t figure out why he’s having trouble finding a girlfriend.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

8 months

@meantomyself No one comes together like some kids who decide on a bit

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

Got kicked out of my gym for bringing a mariachi band again.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

My husband CANNOT say Star Trek correctly, (he says Star Track) and I now realize that I wish I had known this when we were dating.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

Samuel L Jackson’s new project sounds banger

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

@jtrebach That’s genius and the most wholesome Pavlovian training I’ve ever heard

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

5 months

As an 80s kid, the fact that I haven’t had at least one talking animal sidekick at this point, is frankly outrageous.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

4 months

“So, I said she’d get better tips if she smiled more, and maybe showed some cleavage.”

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

8 months

Me, when someone asks if maybe I should slow down on the rolls

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

3 months

My husband is in the middle of a detailed explanation of why I should totally watch Battlestar Galactica and my eyes hurt from trying so hard not to roll them.

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

If you ever want to be truly humbled, ask a child to draw a picture of you

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

9 months

@smokeismedicine Too bad he didn’t

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Bird Eckler

@Birdeckler

1 month

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 11 meatball subs today

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