Batty @BattyMclain Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Batty

11 months

I called my wife 4x from the store to see if we needed a Santa riding a T-Rex inflatable and she never answered so I played it safe

205

5K

91K

Last Seen Profiles

@bokeplokalmalam

@Margare73964619

@b_rinard

@AndrisSpruds

@SChangge

@TMTKNPMDR

@GisselMrqzAlcrz

@couple_mallu

@ReneeRecruit

@Ahlam71717

@Kaido_LDN

@BRFCChair

@Fransicverso

@teeraaw__

@mimircenter

@Kobatodafu

@bokeplokalmalam

@heathermacphd

@CMC_NATO

@BinorRaja

@RajaNatarajanS1

@CFS_Kiro13

@xJonaah

@SahilPa45567781

@the0nlydj

@ThyChalmers

@TreyColey6

@stw_pdg

@SabatinoShane

@35bnu

@Karuta747

@TISSODCL

@PTIManchester

@stw_pdg

@owens_branson

@santos9274

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

@ask_aubry He’s on here scorning the no fault divorce law that allows her to divorce him without his consent. It’s not that that he can’t figure it out, he knows why she’s leaving him and he’s mad that’s it’s not legal for him to imprison her in that marriage.

19

129

4K

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

91

1K

4K

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Y’all owe Wesley Snipes an apology.

47

544

3K

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Taco Bell, Exit 22

54

265

1K

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

@abq_blixky @BornAKang The liquid is the ball. Catching the ball without the bones is a td. There needed to be hands (a pot) under the strainer to catch that shit. No hands, and your td is circling the drain.

11

9

982

Batty

@BattyMclain

8 months

@david_rhodes11 @NewsWire_US So they shouldn’t pay their fair share because of what it won’t fund? That sounds absurd, David.

8

1

916

Batty

@BattyMclain

11 months

I noticed how happy they are together right before I unplugged them

1

15

819

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

12

133

598

Batty

@BattyMclain

5 years

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

22

88

518

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Runners are adults that still want to play tag so bad they’ll do it alone

10

141

521

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

I’m that husband that does the thing you like. It’s laundry. I do a lot of laundry.

18

118

402

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

My son told me he’s meeting his new friend Atlas at the pool and I asked him “have you ever seen him shrug?” and then the whole family abruptly decided to go to the pool without me

31

70

381

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

@purcival He will lose it if he goes into a Dollar Store.

1

2

349

Batty

@BattyMclain

11 months

@mxmclain “need guidance” is killing me, why do I talk like that 😂

3

1

313

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

@gugagc @krassenstein Trump: they’re arresting me on Tuesday ***doesn’t get arrested*** Maga: tHe mEDiA LiEd tO uS!!!

11

20

286

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

Yo mama’s vagina been vacant so long a Spirit Halloween just opened in there

16

50

207

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Aren’t troubled waters precisely the reason we have bridges?

7

73

196

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

Cleared out the kiddie pool by pointing out to all the conservative dads it’s technically a gender neutral bathroom

6

39

191

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@ClearsightTv @TraceyHTweets @OccupyDemocrats He never got anywhere near 80 million votes, you’re thinking of the guy that beat your one term loser like a drum.

1

2

189

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

What a shame, Tom Selleck. You were Magnum PI and now you’re the guy trying to mustache my parents out of their house.

10

49

185

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

@Dopelefante @javiramaa @KahunaKome It’s gone. As of yesterday.

3

1

169

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

My wife and I just had Covid at the same time. Her worst symptom was not being able to taste anything. My worst symptom was hearing her complain about it

14

41

178

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

7

41

175

Batty

@BattyMclain

6 years

@EyeonOhio @JamesSmyth621 I need to know what concepts they had that didn’t make the cut.

4

3

160

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

I showed my wife the agenda of a 3 hour virtual meeting and she said “yikes, they should’ve scheduled someone a little more dynamic to present right before lunch. I’m presenting right before lunch.

10

46

147

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

When my wife tells me she’ll be using my car I go outside and give it a walk around like the Enterprise guy

7

49

153

Batty

@BattyMclain

11 months

@thatgaymomma It was like it put itself in the cart

2

0

143

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

“you’re the first, the last, my everything” -me organizing 3 bagels

6

46

128

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

The tomato plants are filling out nicely

16

12

130

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

If these kids really wanted another sibling they wouldn’t do nearly so much cock blocking.

4

47

120

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

“I want a divorce.” I whisper to my cream of tartar.

7

33

114

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

They’re gonna steer this asteroid right into us and I just ordered new shoes.

7

35

115

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

20’s: trying to get wife into bed 40’s: trying to get wife out of bed

4

28

116

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

The last time I saw Will Smith hit anyone that hard it was an alien

3

26

109

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

My superpower is standing in front of whatever cabinet my wife needs to get into.

3

32

113

Batty

@BattyMclain

11 months

@JefScotCantrell They absolutely did not

7

2

114

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

Those truckers are going to drive all the way to DC to find out the roads are always blocked by the people that live here.

0

26

111

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

I was working and barely listening to 8 talking on his virtual class Christmas party when the words “I’m going to draw a penis on that gingerbread man” rang out like a bell in the night.

3

29

108

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

I’ve put off getting a generator for awhile but after last weeks storm I finally broke down and stole my neighbors

12

24

100

Batty

@BattyMclain

6 years

@ItsAlwaysDaryl @WhistleSports

2

3

91

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

@BertothePatriot @ShatterverseEnt @EdKrassen Your commenting in a thread proving Fox News lied to their viewers about election fraud and you’re talking about how liberals were lied to? With all due respect Rob, you’re making a fool of yourself.

3

0

99

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

@steel8883 @itsJeffTiedrich @realDonaldTrump @ChanelRion @OANN

5

0

87

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

I don’t know the ideal departure time to avoid holiday traffic but I know for certain we will leave 3 hours after that

5

34

93

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@dmkipp20 @itsJeffTiedrich Your answer to his question became “I’ll believe every lie” the moment you chose the edited over the unedited version. Truly pathetic.

2

0

89

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

My wife bought a sandwich at the deli, she didn’t make it.

5

39

82

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

People say “a few bad apples” these days like they don’t remember there’s a second part to the phrase.

6

34

82

Batty

@BattyMclain

6 years

@aquamanvmera Has Gunn been accused of a crime? Have you called the police to share your evidence with them?

0

2

79

Batty

@BattyMclain

6 years

@AAMPod @adamcbest @AffirmativeMur1 It’s funny you think he knows where the Alamo is.

1

2

74

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

I think it’s great they hand the trophy to the guy that owns the team, billionaires rarely get the recognition they deserve

1

26

78

Batty

@BattyMclain

6 years

@mitchsadowsky @EyeonOhio @JamesSmyth621 Can you imagine a version with director commentary... “We originally had the talking dog wearing a football helmet and levitating but decided that was a little over the top.”

1

2

80

Batty

@BattyMclain

6 years

@Shango5T @Wangenstein @TheRoot Trained as an investigator and can’t recognize the front door to her own home. And now V2 says he’s dead because HE didn’t follow commands. In another week we’ll hear how tough this has been on her and I’ll throw up.

2

10

72

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

My farmer father in law pulled me aside one day, pointed at the peaks of the Blue Ridge and said “Those mountains won’t lie to you.” At that moment I knew what everybody told me about him was true, he was drunk 90% of the time.

4

27

84

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

My specialty is ruining format tweets. Did it hurt?

3

28

75

Batty

@BattyMclain

11 months

@eleniZarro Agonized over it but per usual, being unselfish pays off for everyone

1

0

78

Batty

@BattyMclain

6 years

@PJHughes45 You didn’t need to throw that hard back then; technically the bases were further apart in those days because everyone had smalller legs.

2

1

72

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

I feel like whoever was in charge of naming groundhogs was mad at one

4

23

69

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@MikeLeighTorres @itsJeffTiedrich And your preference is Trumpesque which includes lying about having the documents, refusing to give them back, attempting to hide those documents from investigators, attempting to cover up that obstruction, sharing the details of those documents with foreign nationals… just stop

3

4

73

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@KirvinMoesquit @KimmygotBands @WomenPostingLs Their not triggered, you’re annoying. As in, every time someone tells you you’re wrong and shares knowledge about their culture you annoyingly ask them for a source.

1

0

64

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@JosephPino_ @itsJeffTiedrich If that made you mad, this should make you furious. The people you vote for were trying to give immunity to a Chinese spy that was actively committing crimes against our country. You should be too embarrassed to even bring up Swalwell

2

5

71

Batty

@BattyMclain

5 years

@Jared_Carrabis @JulianGuilarte1 What’s even crazier is Astro’s fans saying they don’t need an apology because, parade.

8

0

73

Batty

@BattyMclain

11 months

@ShakirBetta Put Josh Allen on the Bills and you’re 6-6.

8

0

69

Batty

@BattyMclain

10 months

@112Archer @AJDelgado13 They’ve proven their willingness to lie to the American people has no end to it. Transparency is necessary when you’re dealing with documented liars.

0

71

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

While Trump was standing in the rose garden saying he would protect peaceful protestors, he had the military firing tear gas at peaceful protestors in front of the White House. All so he could have a photo op at St Johns Church, holding up a book he’s never read.

5

13

70

Batty

@BattyMclain

5 years

@NJGov Don’t like it. NJ is in the midst of an Anthony shortage, the likes of which has never been seen.

4

1

66

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

@sh2_green @abq_blixky @BornAKang Marcus threw a hanging slider and I was sitting on offspeed up in the zone.

1

0

59

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Give It Away is my favorite song about playing hot potato

2

28

62

Batty

@BattyMclain

5 years

@ShekBo @ChrisCarlin No he is wrong. 2 of those games ended 2-1. He can’t say those games don’t end in a 1-0 shutout without the banging. And he can’t say it because no one knows what the honest outcome of that series would’ve been. No one.

1

2

60

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

Roe v Wade was just overturned by 5 Justices appointed by Presidents that lost the popular vote. Welcome to minority rule.

5

14

59

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@AwakenedOutlaw @JoJoFromJerz If he was legally holding those documents, why did he lie about having them.

3

2

59

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Whenever someone tells me they just visited an exotic place I say dismissively “yeah, I’ve had diarrhea there.”

2

24

60

Batty

@BattyMclain

6 years

@kathrynw5 Big surprise. A day after a tantrum regarding a shutdown he brings in the guy that invented the weaponized shutdown.

1

4

56

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to stop what I was doing to let a dog in or out today. James Brown didn’t get up this much.

3

16

55

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@LakeWobegonMan @RepJasonCrow If they have evidence why aren’t they calling a vote to start the inquiry? Why break practice when you can prove the allegations?

3

2

54

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Takes adderall to cure an unproductive cough.

1

15

52

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

My love is like an angry sea and it’s one of those algae tides so it smells funny. I’ve arrived, sexy twitter.

2

20

49

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

If you’re a real Scorpio you’ve had your vendetta list laminated

10

17

50

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

Finally convinced my super conservative dad to stop wearing his Members Only jacket by telling him they let gay people in the club

2

24

47

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@Littleleers15 @OccupyDemocrats

1

0

52

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Don’t you hate that feeling when you’re really hungry but there’s nothing you can do to make your wife cook faster.

3

25

46

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Raise your hand if it’s getting too close to a fire.

4

32

48

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

My Dad: I never thought your Uncle Ray was a real man. A real man can eat more than 1 slice of pizza. Me (whispers): That’s fine Dad. Let’s talk about this after the funeral.

2

24

48

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@RyanShead He’s got that “few too many beers on the back nine” slur going

0

1

47

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@tom_holman @AshleyGWinter Are the Catholic clergy groomers? I have 500+ examples that says they are.

2

0

47

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@TrainHurst @JoJoFromJerz 81 million people showed up when he beat your one term loser like a drum

1

0

48

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

Big race is tomorrow and just put the finishing touches on the kid’s pinewood derby car

3

5

46

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@Dmandork @dancow A. You don’t know when the picture was taken B. When he got them is irrelevant. They were there when he murdered innocent people.

0

43

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

🎶It's the holiday season With the whoop-de-do and hickory dock And old man Trump looks like a big cock🎶

4

11

46

Batty

@BattyMclain

1 year

@ClearsightTv @TraceyHTweets @OccupyDemocrats That was in 2020, a lot has happened since then. I can make you a list, should I start with Jan 6 or the growing list of felony indictments?

1

0

43

Batty

@BattyMclain

11 months

@pantless_papple Past as prologue, I was certain of it 😂

0

1

47

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

@Tobi_Is_Fab @mxmclain That’s exactly what happened Ash. I was staring at tartar sauce for 20 mins trying to find one that was “creamy style.” Literally had to ask for the manager.

3

1

44

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

There is nothing about communal living that makes me want to join in

4

15

44

Batty

@BattyMclain

10 months

@delinthecity_ @JoeBiden There are states that are forcing women to carry a dead fetus with their life at risk rather than providing the necessary healthcare. The better question is why are you such an impassively stupid cunt?

4

0

43

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

@TimMurtaugh

0

3

40

Batty

@BattyMclain

4 years

Marriage is like the pan you made dinner in. Sometimes, you just have to let it soak.

3

24

40

Batty

@BattyMclain

2 years

Can someone remind me of the occasions in world history where the people banning books were the good guys?

3

14

41

Batty

@BattyMclain

6 years

@HamillHimself @Quest4VaultDisn @jk_rowling Yoda. If you brought him Palpatine’s cursed ring there’s no way he would conclude “Put it on my finger, I should.”

1

0

44

Batty

@BattyMclain

3 years

Good to morning to everyone except the people that take their shoes off during a flight. You are disgusting.

6

16

39

Batty

@BattyMclain