Average Dad @Average_Dad1 Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Average Dad

3 years

“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?” - my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization

859

23K

317K

Last Seen Profiles

@DrHaifaaYounis

@stephen_queens

@aaroncarter

@hiro91434582

@namxhady

@cmasisak22

@RodCitizen

@Straphangers

@kumanoputarou99

@mma_kings

@KingslingersPod

@andreakalinka

@CynoCain

@_xr41

@elsyidol

@MoxyMaryGames

@tomgoom

@Maggieqiaoan

@sophie_do162

@CodeRed_dev

@shallowsocial

@stferenz

@Bogeljitux1

@ticooliee

@linierscartoon

@Bia_guima16

@Mandude01

@edo_dod21

@tylerblack_6

@Djb12491079

@Stitchgorilla

@skcrawfordabc

@stifterverband

@misshkeogh

@odesakas

@JdsBiradar

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 months

My wife deleted social media off her phone recently. Today I caught her scrolling through her venmo feed like an alcoholic drinking listerine.

262

7K

215K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

What did people do before alarm clocks? Just go to bed like “hope I wake up in time for work tomorrow”

720

18K

210K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 months

Heard another dad at the park refer to the approaching ice cream truck as the music truck. His kid didn’t make one mention of ice cream, just said “oh cool, I love the music truck!” I was stunned. Absolutely brilliant.

257

4K

124K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 months

Jesus: for behold I have ris- Easter bunny: *crunching on carrots* Jesus: uhhhhh… Easter bunny: *hiding eggs* Jesus: ??? Easter bunny: oh don’t mind me, I’m gonna be taking things in a slightly different direction, love what you’re doing though, mad respect

5

1K

22K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

74

6K

19K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Dads hate stopping on road trips because then all of the vehicles they worked hard to pass for the last hour get back ahead of them

154

1K

7K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Half of parenting is just moving cups away from the edge of the table

91

713

5K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 months

“Your daughter has been training the other children to cry on demand, seemingly in order to disrupt the class” is among the many things that parenting books have not prepared me for

44

225

5K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 years

My pregnant wife asked for an Oreo so I brought her a single Oreo. Apparently this was a gross miscalculation on my part

183

234

4K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

78

376

4K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

If you do one little thing that a toddler thinks is funny they will bully you into repeatedly doing it for the rest of your life

32

427

3K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

To all you rural people saying rooster, what about us urban folk?

91

35

3K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

1 month

My 5yo was trying to convince me to do something and said “if you don’t do it I’m gonna go to my room and go to sleep!” Not the threat she thought it was

13

150

3K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

5 months

Today my kid pointed to this thing and said “dada!” Don’t think I’ll ever recover from this one

22

109

3K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 months

Met someone the other day who said their favorite color was yellow. What a psycho

55

197

2K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

6 months

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

16

124

2K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Give me a follow to see more ways my kids like to torture me

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

If you do one little thing that a toddler thinks is funny they will bully you into repeatedly doing it for the rest of your life

32

427

3K

6

16

2K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

67

198

2K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 months

My wife deleted social media off her phone which has actually been great for my productivity because now she does all her scrolling on my phone

1

45

2K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

5 months

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you? How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

27

68

2K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 months

[At a restaurant] Alright kids, what combination of starch and cheese are you gonna have this time

3

75

2K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

27

201

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Been plugging away on duolingo and finally they’re teaching me the stuff I really want to know

22

168

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 years

You’re telling me the date on the milk ISN’T the cow’s birthday?

29

244

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

I accidentally walked into a store today without a mask. It felt like one of those dreams where you stand up at school and realize you’re not wearing any pants

28

160

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

I bet camping was invented by two guys who wanted to have a sleepover but were afraid their wives would make fun of them

16

292

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 years

Feel like it was kind of rude to create a state right beside Mexico and call it New Mexico. Like how would you feel if your name was Brian and your parents named your younger brother New Brian

49

191

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Maybe 2020 will turn out to be like a mullet and we’re just in the business part right now but the second half will be all party

16

380

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Sometimes I marvel at how some random banana in another continent gets picked, put on a boat to California, then put on a truck, driven across the country to my little town, selected by me out of hundreds of other bananas, just to be spit out and thrown on the floor by my toddler

18

148

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

53

246

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 years

Sometimes I put random heating times like 1:57 in on my microwave just so that all the different buttons feel seen

32

108

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Who do you have winning your bracket, Betty White or Queen Elizabeth?

212

156

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Buy your toddler clothes with lots of snaps and buttons if you’ve ever thought it would be cool to do a puzzle that tries to kick you and run away while you solve it

23

243

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Dads love going to visit their adult children and just fixing random stuff around the house

57

103

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

43

141

1K

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Alexa, raise my children

17

185

941

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Worst part of parenting is having to model responsible behavior for your kids all the time

38

181

962

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

If food waste makes you feel really bad then parenting might not be for you

21

170

927

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Can we talk about how George Foreman had five sons and a grill and named them all George Foreman?

30

121

919

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Once in a while I eat fish sticks in front of our pet goldfish to remind him what I’m capable of if he should ever go against the family

31

234

875

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Why do regular m&ms still exist now that we have peanut m&ms

139

133

835

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My daughter found some “cool new stickers” and now I’m out $20 in stamps

16

89

846

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

He was a g8er boi

18

201

804

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Kids are like “race me!” then throw a fit when you easily beat them, like what did you think was gonna happen

14

120

799

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Sex is great but have you tried pulling into your driveway at the exact moment that your song is ending?

22

96

790

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

We taught our toddler to smell the flowers instead of touching them, but now she also smells vases, lamps, and other fragile items around the house instead of touching them. Honestly one of our better moves as parents so far.

10

102

758

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Anyone else’s clothes been gradually shrinking over the past year?

45

145

747

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 months

When your kid hits about age 3 or 4, be prepared for your bandaid budget to absolutely skyrocket

29

59

751

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

6 months

I might be crazy but I’m not go to Costco on a Saturday afternoon crazy

4

96

731

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 years

Me: your dress is so cool, it has pockets! 3yo: oh… I can put snacks in them! This kid gets it

15

86

713

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

I asked my wife to add contact solution to the shopping list and she promptly found three full bottles of it in the bathroom so I dunno maybe there is something to the stereotype of men being bad at looking for stuff

19

79

709

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

I told my wife about a dream I had where she was mad at me and she sided with dream wife and is now actually mad at me

19

128

690

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Having a pregnant wife means you just automatically lose every argument for nine months

60

76

682

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Some people start Christmas shopping in July and others start December 24th and they always seem to marry each other

10

100

685

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My toddler said “dad don’t tickle me, I’m sleeping” and then started pretend sleeping, as if the sanctity of sleep is something that has ever been respected in this household

8

81

684

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

21

77

663

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 months

5 year old: poop and chocolate look alike but there are some important differences Truly wise beyond her years

5

56

672

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

I feel bad when I put a fresh diaper on my kid and they poop within five minutes, like I sent that thing to the front lines and it instantly got gunned down

20

93

664

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Shower heads are like “I have 12 different settings!” but then 11 out of 12 settings are absolute trash

19

101

650

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

This morning when I went to wake my wife up she booped me on the nose and said “snooze”

12

136

638

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 months

For April fools, my 5yo turned off the bathroom light while I was taking a shower. I did everything I could to make her think this was an amazing prank, hoping to keep them as tame as possible for as long as possible

1

23

667

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Nobody in my real life knows about this Twitter account besides my wife which means I can safely talk crap about people I know. So to my sister-in-law no, I did not like your casserole, it tasted like butt, and to my neighbor Greg, your kid is a major brat, he sucks

27

65

635

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

What’s with people being like “I hope I have a boy so that I can play sports with them.” You know girls can play sports too right?

33

83

621

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Reasons my toddler cried today: - I didn’t let her wear two pairs of pajamas - I brought her some more chicken after she asked for more chicken - My face wasn’t purple

26

65

637

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Dads love saying “look at the line now, good thing we came when we did”

23

100

617

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

I’m at the stage of life where going to Costco is about as lit as my weekend gets

26

101

628

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

10

90

630

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

In college I had a roommate that would set his normal alarm plus a separate alarm for 3am so that he would wake up in the middle of the night and be excited about how much longer he had left to sleep. Still not sure if he was a genius or a psycho.

34

87

594

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

We went to a restaurant and my 2 year old sat down, grabbed the napkin-wrapped utensils, and said “oh, a present!”. She began to unwrap them and her face lit up as she exclaimed “a fork and a knife! yes!” Guess I know what we’re getting her for Christmas now.

8

72

597

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Half of parenthood is putting bandaids on things that don’t need bandaids

25

127

576

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.

30

91

562

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

35

65

555

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My wife just informed me that she has already purchased my Christmas present for this year, which reminds me, I’ve gotta figure out what I’m doing for her birthday on Wednesday.

17

57

550

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

7 months

Me: alright let’s all clean up! 4yo: actually my tummy hurts I think I need a little rest Me: ok how long do you need to rest for? 4yo: i don’t know, like however long it takes to do a clean up Me: ah I see

12

33

555

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My 2 y/o has been potty trained for all of two weeks and she’s already roasting other toddlers that are still in diapers by saying stuff like “oh look at the little baby in their little diaper!”

15

57

547

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

With kids, the day can be going super well, everyone is in a great mood, and then you make one little mistake like forgetting to let your two year old be the one to push the button to close the garage door, and then the whole day is ruined

18

88

531

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Just saw my toddler holding a pillow over the face of her teddy bear while whispering “night night”. I’m worried for my safety.

14

88

517

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Was at the park with my daughter today when I discovered that I’m “can no longer do the monkey bars” years old and honestly I’m devastated

28

55

524

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Barber: *absolutely butchering my hair * so whaddya think? Me, an introvert: looks great!

12

91

516

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

Today my toddler held up a chicken nugget and asked “what does this mean?” and I am not prepared to answer such deep philosophical questions

12

107

506

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My brain at 2pm: I am so tired, I literally cannot think about anything other than how much I want to be asleep right now My brain at midnight: I’m bored, let’s hang out

4

104

509

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

If you like this, give me a follow for more thought provoking content on the regular

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Dads hate stopping on road trips because then all of the vehicles they worked hard to pass for the last hour get back ahead of them

154

1K

7K

1

2

487

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

“Cheese makes everything better” I say as I melt cheddar on to my resume

8

171

489

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 years

If you want to see my wife get really mad just tell her that it was really nice of me to babysit our kids while she went to run errands

19

70

495

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Eating spaghetti in my white shirt like some kind of adrenaline junkie

13

99

495

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

It is a law of the universe that as soon as you set the dishwasher you find another dirty dish somewhere

13

66

495

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

2 years

That moment when your phone isn’t in your pocket and your heart stinks cause you think you’ve left it somewhere but then you realize it’s in your hand and you are actively staring at it

17

66

481

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

They took off so fast, I didn’t even get to ask them why

16

93

483

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

“I don’t know what’s gotten into her today!” I say about my 2 year old as if this wasn’t her baseline

7

80

473

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

So how many hammers do you have? - me trying to fit in with other more stereotypical dads

52

77

468

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

7 months

4yo: dad did you know that a suuuuper long time ago they had phones that couldn’t even type and all you could do was talk in them? Me: yes I am aware of the old phones thank you

12

42

480

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

You know your toddler has been raised in a worldwide pandemic when they immediately and loudly demand hand sanitizer anytime they enter a building

7

72

472

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

Putting nutella on the inside of my kid’s mask so that they keep it on while we’re in the store

17

78

465

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My kid, who loves paw patrol, said to me today “dad, you’re being a real mayor humdinger right now” and I’ve never been so devastated by an insult in my entire life

25

67

463

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

My kid is giving me the silent treatment and I’m all for it

17

63

460

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

I went to Costco today and only bought what was on my list and I’m ready for my medal now please

18

55

460

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

6 months

Caught my 5yo sneaking around after bedtime carrying a set of 2lb dumbbells back to her room Me: uh hey kid, whatcha doing? 5: Dad. I need strength. For the night.

3

33

471

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

3 years

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

6

80

460

Average Dad

@Average_Dad1

4 years

When I was a kid I wanted to be a garbage man because they got to drive a cool truck and I figured they only had to work one day a week

13

63

450