Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5 @AuggieSmith Twitter profile

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

1 year

Hey Everybody! To celebrate Augtober here is my whole Dry Bar special

I Am Way Too Old To Be A Dad. Auggie Smith - Full Special | Too old...

Too old for any of this.... Comedian Auggie Smith

www.facebook.com

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 months

Today at the Baltimore aquarium I read the name of this fish out loud and said “I wish I would’ve known a few more of those when I was single” and high fived a complete stranger wearing a baby bjorn. America rocks

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

To everybody complaining about comics making jokes tonight, hey man, you told us to stick to comedy

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

6 years

I don’t know how to do threads, here is a Brody story #RIPBrodyStevens #Redemption #Yes #Positivity

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

First they came for the billionaire ex-presidents and I said nothing

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

My health insurance is so bad I had to get the Johnson Or Johnson

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

The nurse just came in to check the wife’s cervix, you will all be happy that my joke “Let me know if you find any ballots in there” got big laughs

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

6 years

5 paying customers at the late show, during my set the waitress quit and then her husband came in and had a loud confrontation with the owner about 20 feet from the stage...I did an hour like it was a full house, one of the 5 gave me $100 tip. Fuck you, I Am Comedy

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

You should see the otter guy

New York Post

@nypost

3 years

Man attacked by gang of otters, bitten 26 times: 'I thought I was going to die'

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

If you’ve ever been part of the audience at a comedy club and thought you were “helping the show” by yelling stuff out, this is actually what you were doing

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

Out of all the people that got us into Iraq I liked him the best

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

Hey everybody in a couple weeks I’m doing Ventura Harbor Comedy Club and this is what is currently on their website(not a joke)

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

"'And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept…for there were no more worlds to conquer”

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

He has arrived and he is beautifully grumpy

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

I attended my first Zoom funeral today. It was sad but still not as sad as a Zoom comedy show

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

Masturbate at your job and you’ll never have to work a day in your life

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

Hey everybody, the Queen’s death has left us short an owner in my fantasy football league. If anybody wants to take over the team ‘Goff save the Me’ send a dm.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

“You can’t spell dementia without men!”, possible slogan for this year‘s presidential debates

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

I think my son should go to kindergarten tomorrow but he really wants to go to Tijuana and it’s his turn to pick, so...

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

Looks like Ron Jeremy is getting a lot more serious about his comedy career.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

A guy got thrown out of my show Saturday night, as he was being escorted out I was yelling “Why couldn’t Covid have killed YOU? Look at how fat you are, you must have diabetes!”. Just found out that man went home and died in his sleep. Comedy Is Back! #100 %TrueStory

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

1 year

Live picture of a studio executive telling an Emmy winning writer it’s belt tightening time. #WritersStrike

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

We need to be very clear about how great this is. @bellykachman stood in small room with a serial rapist and his crew, and called him out while simultaneously sharing her own trauma. That’s Hall of Fame, story-told-forever, Lenny Bruce type courage. Absolutely Brilliant

Kelly Bachman

@bellykachman

5 years

Keep getting new followers today is it because my tweets are so fire? lol fuck Weinstein and thanks @ambercrollo ILY #mysecondtweet

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

This guy just told me I was “living in fear” because I was wearing a mask. SMH

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

4 years since @BrodyismeFriend opted for an early check-out. Brody always remembered my wife’s name(and where she went to college) and my kid’s names and would ask about them when I ran into him. This meant a lot to me. Here is a tale of an adventure we had long ago #BRODY

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

The CDC just said it’s ok for fat kids to wear T-shirts in the pool

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

Hey look everybody! Your 7th grade science teacher joined Antifa

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

@anylaurie16 None of the dead guys made the finals

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

This is why people don’t trust elections

The Independent

@Independent

4 years

Prince William named as ‘world’s sexiest bald man’

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

When AIDS came I stopped eating monkey because they told me to, when EBOLA came I stopped eating monkey, again, because they told me to, and now you want me to cover my mouth when I cough? Sorry CDC, that’s a bridge too far

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

Currently trying to convince my daughter that she doesn’t Need a Richard Attenborough plushy

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

I just found out Rodney Dangerfield actually got quite a bit of respect and I don’t even know what to believe anymore.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

Jeffrey Toobin could discover the cure for cancer while colonizing Mars and he would still be the guy that masturbated during a business meeting

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

Today I dropped my kids off at school and then this afternoon I picked them up. I am an extremely lucky man.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

After a week and a half of quarantine I’m ready to admit that those of you who chose to remain childless were,in fact, correct

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

I just saw a Tesla owner filling a plastic bag with sunlight

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

I remember when I was a teenager and I asked my mom to go to Cancun and she was like “I’ll take you to Cancun but I’m just dropping you off, once you’re there you’re on your own” because she was a great mother

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 months

Putin requires all of his employees to wear at least 15 pieces of flair

Igor Sushko

@igorsushko

5 months

Russia's new Minister of Defence, General Andrey Belousov on his first ever day in a military job.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

1 year

This is terrible news. Ron was an incredibly talented man. Improvising in character is something very few people can do and Ron did it better than anybody. I was lucky enough to have done some live shows with him and he was always a mensch. My sincere condolences to his family.

The BOB & TOM Show

@bobandtom

1 year

"We are sad to confirm that Ron Sexton, longtime member of the ensemble cast of "The Bob & Tom Show", died Friday in Ohio while on tour with his stand-up comedy show. Ron was known by millions of listeners of "The Bob & Tom Show" for the indelible comedic characters he played

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

In the doctors office awaiting my physical, I can hear my Dr on the phone in the hallway arguing with his credit card company. Apparently there are some charges that aren’t his, I’m not sure of the details I just know this isn’t the energy I want him bringing to the prostate exam

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

My Hollywood pronouns are who is he/never heard of him

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

I just tipped the cello player at a strip club, Alaska is crazy y’all

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

You jerks can make fun of it all you want but I think Mike Pence’s plan to send the coronavirus to a camp with other diseases and use the Bible to teach them to be less pandemic like is the kind of outside the box thinking we need right now.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

Do you have the guts to stand up for the confederacy?

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

The wife says if I get 10,000 followers by Sunday she’ll stop having sex with John Mulaney

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

You didn’t know her but this is my mother, she died 6 years ago today. She was a social worker in Haight-Ashbury in the 60’s and therapist in Wisconsin in the 90’s. She lived a whole big life and I loved her.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

When somebody says they were kicked out of a comedy club for “laughing”, this is what they were actually doing

Right Wing Watch

@RightWingWatch

4 years

Televangelist Kenneth Copeland laughs at the media for declaring that Joe Biden has won the election and will become president.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

Hey guys, I got retweeted by Scott Baio! A whole bunch more people have heard of me now!

Scott Baio

@ScottBaio

2 years

Blink three times if anyone has ever heard of Auggie Smith, a comic for 30 years!

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

I know I don’t say it enough but, to all the childless people out there that are paying for my kids to go to grade school, thanks

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

Somebody forgot the first rule of ‘My dad is wearing a wire’ club

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

Dear Washington Redskins, The availability of the name Murder Hornets renders you completely out of excuses

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

I wanna thank everybody that stopped by to fact check my one sentence joke. I just want to say that you’re all wrong, anybody with two houses and more than one suit is a billionaire. Now get out there and tell everybody it’s actually Frankenstein‘s monster you thieves of joy

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

My son was born on 11/11 weighing 7 lbs 7 oz and believe me he is already great at craps

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

I own a house! Today The Smith Family moved all of our possessions 15 minutes down the road to our very own home. This is my 1st time being a land owner, I’m very much looking forward to voting and mediating local conflicts.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

None of you are using the term ‘gaslighting’ correctly and it’s driving me completely mad. So, good job I guess

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

The grocery store was out of roasted chicken so I bought a regular chicken and made fun of it on the drive home

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

I love @DickBain , always will. He was consistently the funniest guy on every show, hopefully some others will post his comedy. My kids absolutely love him, here is a video of him committing to a bit with my son, and keep in mind we didn’t turn on the camera for a few minutes

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

When I was 41 I wasn’t married, didn’t have 2 kids and lived in a different state. I have lived a whole life since I was 41, 41 is so young

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

When I chose a profession that relied on crowds, it never once occurred to me they would outlaw crowds

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

The stand-up comedy paradox goes something like this; Comedian says something over the top racist, misogynistic, homophobic, etc. Then, in the next sentence, they tell you how they aren’t allowed to say the thing they just said. It’s the Kobayashi Maru of self-victimization

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

Dateline Hollywood: @IanKarmel has rearranged the letters in the Hollywood sign to somehow read RipCity and is currently atop the Capitol Records building waving a Trailblazers flag with the fury of an infantryman calling in an airstrike #BlazersWin !

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

On top of everything else, this just isn’t the best time for me to imagine there’s no heaven

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

This is great news, I hope he calls out cancer culture

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

It’s too bad that 17-year-old wasn’t visibly carrying alcohol instead of an AR-15, the cops would’ve confiscated the beer before he could do any damage.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

Had a great time this morning with my old friends @chickmcgee1 @Kristileenews Josh Arnold and of course Tom @bobandtom See you all weekend @CrackersComedy

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

I just searched Bill Burr on Twitter, I saw zero people attacking him and 5000 people saying “They’re trying to cancel Bill Burr again!”

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

My wife just lost her ‘mucus plug’. I swear to God, when it comes to pregnancy, everything after the conception is an absolute horror show.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

Remember everybody, professional athletes are very lucky but professional pundits worked very hard to be where they are.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

My son is under two years old so you can’t buy him a seat but he’s 98% in weight and height so basically I’m gonna be traveling with a man in my lap for the next four hours

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

Happy 69th birthday to The Chairman of the Bald, Tom Griswold @bobandtom

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

James Caan, Ray Liotta, Fred Ward, Bo Hopkins It sounds like God is putting together a crew for one last job

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

This is Tony. He is responsible for 34 of the crowd members tonight @funnyboneomaha . He not only invited them but called each of them individually this morning to make sure they were coming to the show. He’s not my manager or agent, he’s just a fan of standup. Be more like Tony

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

The Doug James story

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

We did our best to explain to our kids what happened yesterday before dropping them at school. My son was glad they got the bad guy and my daughter said she would hide under a table and be very quiet. I sure hope their generation can solve this because I’m damn sure mine can’t.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

This is what everybody that books a comedy show in L.A. looks like to me

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

Last night my toddler walked in the kitchen and started choking in front of me and the wife. I swatted him on the back sending a dislodged 5 cent piece flying across the room. So I said “If I had a nickel for every time I did that!” Because I’m awesome at breaking the tension

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

Today at virtual kindergarten the kids were assigned a partner to answer the question “What would you do with $100?” My son and his partner decided they would use it to buy money

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

One of the worst things about being a parent is having to give a shit about the end of the world

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

@elonmusk Yes Elon, that’s why we are sad

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

Does anybody else remember when the entire Senate was called back from recess to stop the removal of a feeding tube from one woman in a permanently vegetative state? Maybe we should treat this with the same urgency

Ana Cabrera

@AnaCabrera

5 years

McConnell ally says Senate won't take up House #coronavirus bill until after recess. “The Senate will act when we come back and we have a clearer idea of what extra steps we need to take,” Sen. Lamar Alexander told reporters.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

Who would have thought that a business that gives you a 6 foot long receipt to commemorate your toothpaste purchase would be wasteful

The Hill

@thehill

3 years

CVS and Walgreens wasted thousands of COVID-19 vaccines, more shots than most U.S. states, territories and federal agencies combined: report

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

@JohnHinckley20 Try Ford’s Theater

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

I will now begin every trip to Vegas by donning a leisure suit with wide yellow tie and heading to Cesar’s for a game of ‘how many times can I tell everyone I meet I am Doug Stanhope until I get thrown out’ #ImStanhope

Doug Stanhope

@DougStanhope

5 years

Early this year I had an awful stay in the Rio in Vegas, which I reviewed on TripAdvisor and Yelp. Now I am banned from every Caesars property in Vegas )

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

My new favorite comic @bellykachman got on stage only to find Harvey Weinstein in the audience! She called it out beautifully and didn’t back down in the face of some lunatics booing. Bravo Kelly Bachman, I hope I have the honor of sharing the stage with you soon.

Kelly Bachman

@bellykachman

5 years

Keep getting new followers today is it because my tweets are so fire? lol fuck Weinstein and thanks @ambercrollo ILY #mysecondtweet

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

Behold! The template for all current stand-up comedy

Kliph Nesteroff

@ClassicShowbiz

3 years

1962. The broadcaster Arthur Godfrey complained, “Now you can’t kid anyone anymore. Negro and Italian jokes are out. It’s sad.”

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 years

“No more Mr Nice Guy”-Frederick J. Niceguy on the day he received his PhD

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

The video is actually pretty funny if you imagine Sarah Paulson and Stanley Tucci had a side bet about who could wear the biggest glasses

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

Jared was just seen leaving the West Wing with a shopping cart full of copper wiring

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

Last night I did a gig that paid me with money, weed and cans of rosé. The crowd had fun and I didn’t wish death upon anyone, it was a good night.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

My son made me a poster at school to promote my shows this weekend in Billings

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

5 months

When walking into a strange comedy club, most women would rather see a bear on stage than a man

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

I guess if you’re gonna get cancelled it might as well be from a job that doesn’t exist anymore

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

The only consistently true thing in the world is righty tighty, lefty loosey. Everything else is open to interpretation

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

Yes, we Gen Xers were afraid of nuclear war but we were also afraid of devil worshiping day care centers, mosquitoes with AIDS, being sexually assaulted during an alien abduction and anyone thinking we might be gay. In general we are a bunch of fraidy cats.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

I drank seven beers on my patio last night, this morning I have my first hangover in two months, feels good to get back to normal

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

4 years

“Your honor, may I approach the bench?” “Fuck No”

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

Next to a burned down strip club is the second best place to see Auggie Smith do standup comedy. The best place? The inside of a burned down strip club.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

1 year

Pee-wee's Big Adventure came out 38 years ago and everyone my age quotes it at least twice a week. R,I.P. Legend

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

I’ve worked some pretty shitty clubs in my life but never one that would allow somebody to stay after they punched me on stage. #Oscars needs a new door guy.

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

2 years

About to tape a Dry Bar special. Going to perform in a three piece suit and work clean for the first time ever, i’ll let you know how it goes

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Auggie Smith, Big Sky Comedy Fest Oct 1-5

@AuggieSmith

3 years

The Seattle Comedy Underground is closed and will not be reopening, this is terrible news. The original location in the basement of Swannies is the best comedy venue I’ve ever worked. I became a better comic because of the freedom of that stage and I shall never forget it.

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