Ariane Sherine @ArianeSherine Twitter profile

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Ariane Sherine

1 month

My biography of the iconic Sinéad O'Connor is now available via @WhiteOwlBooks . It features six interviews with her friends and peers, including Robert Dean from Japan, the Telegraph's @neil_mccormick and Guardian writers @TheCSullivan and @shattenstone .

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 years

The most British story ever: For 12 years, my husband gave his neighbour a six-pack of beer at Christmas, and received a box of chocolates. They thanked each other warmly. My husband couldn’t eat the chocolates as he’s vegan, and later found out that his neighbour was teetotal.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

Kids, if you’ve ever wondered what a Sunday in the 1980s was like, today is the closest we’ve come to it since.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

8 months

Absolutely love this anecdote from Bob Mortimer’s autobiography about him meeting Sinéad O’Connor.

Anon Opin

@anon_opin

8 months

Whenever I hear anyone saying something along the lines of 'comedians are meant to offend people' I think of Bob Mortimer. The funniest person alive who has managed to never piss anyone off, ever.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

I was made redundant from a £55k job start of 2019. I had a smartphone before. Lived off £20k of savings until they ran out, then went onto Universal Credit, went into debt and finally sold my house. I still have the smartphone and now a new job. Tough to get a job without one.

Andrea 🇬🇧🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿🇮🇪🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

@andie1105

2 years

How many people claiming poverty have smart phones, takeaways, Sky tv & Netflix etc., cars, beauty treatments, smoke, drink? There is no real poverty in the UK apart from homeless people. Poverty is relative. Many people have poor morals & trouble getting their priorities right.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 years

Me (trying gently to talk about race): Have you noticed that Mummy is brown? Six-year-old (looking unimpressed): I've seen browner people.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

Desperately depressed at the thought of Mason Greenwood being allowed to play for Manchester United again. It's profoundly upsetting because we have evidence of his horrific abuse. Yet he got away with it, and apparently, as ever, money supersedes women's rights. #GreenwoodOut

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

5 years

Weird name

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

And lastly, this ‘poor people don’t deserve to have anything nice until they’re out of poverty’ rhetoric needs to stop. It’s miserable enough being in debt without being deprived of every single thing that makes life worth living. But Andrea wants us to wear rags and eat gruel!

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

I’ve done coke too but it didn’t make me wee

Neil Henderson

@hendopolis

2 years

THE SUN: Harry: I did Coke and Weed #TomorrowsPapersToday

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

8 months

@fesshole I found the couple!

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 years

Six-year-old: When you turn 100, the Queen sends you a letter. Me: Yes. Six-year-old: What happens when she turns 100? Will she send a letter to herself? Me: Er... Six-year-old (putting on voice): Who's this letter from? Ooh, it's from me! I'm so old I've forgotten I sent it!

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 years

I post about atheism on Twitter. At times, I do this from a little room at work. At times, a Muslim man asks politely if he can pray in the room. I leave and return later. We co-exist peacefully. This is more a reflection of the UK than anything Donald Trump is talking about.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

And you know when I had beauty treatments while poor? Had my hair blow dried, my eyebrows threaded and my nails done? That was when I was applying for jobs and needed to look the part. Sometimes you need to spend money (on beauty and internet access etc) to get out of poverty.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

8 years

Whenever I text anyone about my dad's death, my iPhone helpfully suggests I might like to use this skull! 💀 Thanks, Apple. #sensitivitygoals

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

6 years

This morning I saw staff help a blind man on and off a Tube train. They were so kind and gentle, and the other passengers moved out of the way, vacated a seat and helped the man into it. I'm so used to people elbowing and jostling, and this reminded me that kindness still exists.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

4 years

I used to think chocolate truffles were snuffled out of the ground by pigs. My friend John asked the barber for a ‘short back insides’, and another friend thought the bow under Colonel Sanders on the KFC logo was his arms and legs! What’s your most embarrassing misunderstanding?

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

9 years

My favourite quote about anxiety is from Mark Twain: "I've been through some terrible things in my life, a few of which actually happened."

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

I’m not sure this is entirely true. The reason the news has been all about the submarine is the fact that (a) they could still be alive and (b) time was running out. Everyone cared about the Thai boys stuck in the cave and they were poor. Sadly the migrants were already deceased.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

@A_GarrickWright @FasterthanShaun @beckkubrick 5 inches is average not disappointing! 😅

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

No. I didn't speak out about my own violent abuser for nine years, and I kept him anonymous - and unlike Katy Perry, I'm an unusually open person who had no career to speak of at the time and little to lose. Don't blame women for men's actions. We're often scared and traumatised.

Stuart Dillon #COYI

@StuartDillon1

1 year

@heawood If she knew and said nothing then she's wrong to do that

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

A woman after my own shart

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

6 years

I almost forgot: exactly ten years ago today, I got to change the world a little bit. Thank you so much to everyone who helped. ❤️

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole Yeah, you could’ve rectum.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 months

I’m old enough to remember 1990, when I was aged ten, and a book of four first-class stamps cost 88p. Next month, it will cost £5.40.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

I nearly stayed with my abuser too. I was pregnant with his baby when he violently attacked me, making my face bleed. I was in love with him and didn't want an abortion. You'd be surprised how common it is for women to stay with their abusers. I was only 24, Harriet was just 21.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole …ick move?

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

11 years

Limericks fit in a tweet If carefully crafted and neat But please make them rhyme In strict rhythmic time And never leave one incomple

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

FML, I just had to explain the difference between a urethra and vagina to my GP. I have no medical training. Him: It’s the same opening Me: No they’re two different openings Him (cross): Urine comes from the same place Me: I can assure you babies do not come out of a urethra!

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

@fesshole Whenever I miss having a boyfriend, which is increasingly often these days, I read Fesshole and think: no, better off out of relationships.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 years

Atheist Thought for the Day: Being an atheist isn’t always easy. In 13 countries, it is punishable by death; in several others, atheists have been killed for their beliefs. And yet, we exist in far greater numbers than censuses and surveys suggest.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole You were hoping for a pawnographic knight with her, but ended up bashing the bishop.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

4 years

Dear Dettol, your surface cleaner kills 99.9% of bacteria and viruses including coronavirus, but I think it also killed your proofreader

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

This postcard from one of my Patreon supporters made me laugh

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

@fesshole So now you have beef with them.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole ‘Like a cat out of hell, baptised when the morning comes’ 🎶

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole Crazy idea, but you could always try telling him?!

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

Grandad (singing Bohemian Rhapsody): Mama, just killed a man, put my gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he’s dead 10yo: What’s that? Grandad: Queen song 10yo (shocked): The QUEEN made up that song?! Grandad: Yes, she sings it every Christmas after the Queen’s Speech

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole OP and her husband right now

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

5 years

Me (to friend): He’s a bastard Seven-year-old: What’s a bastard? Me: Um, it’s someone whose parents weren’t married when they were born Seven-year-old: That’s ME! I’m a bastard! Me: Well, er, no sweetie, it’s a rude insul- Seven-year-old (shouting gleefully): I’M A BASTARD!!

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

Downloaded the TikTok app, set up a profile @arianesherinecomedy , wrote a catchy song… and had to pay my daughter £20 to film the video for it. Rinsed by an 11yo.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole Why not just try one of these? It’s clearly the solution.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

PS I was luckier than most. I had a house in London to sell and could buy a cheaper place in a poorer borough and live off the equity. I was able-bodied and educated to MA level. I just wanted to push back against Andrea saying there's 'no real poverty'. There is, and it's awful.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 years

And if further proof were needed that my husband Graham is British, he once let another neighbour call him 'Brian' for a decade without correcting her.

Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 years

The most British story ever: For 12 years, my husband gave his neighbour a six-pack of beer at Christmas, and received a box of chocolates. They thanked each other warmly. My husband couldn’t eat the chocolates as he’s vegan, and later found out that his neighbour was teetotal.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole Yeah, I bet he’d wheelie bin angry.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

To the racists who don’t like ads with black, Asian and mixed race families: when I was growing up in the 1980s and 1990s, every single ad featured solely white people. Modern TV redresses the balance and I’m happy that kids today can see lots of diverse representation on screen.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

Today is the 13th anniversary of when I, @RichardDawkins , @andrewcopson and @Humanists_UK changed the world a little. Fittingly, buses with the slogan 'There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life' ran in 13 countries, including the UK, US, Canada and Australia.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

6 years

In WHSmith Seven-year-old: Ooh, there’s Head Kid by David Baddy-Elle! Me: It’s pronounced @Baddiel . Seven-year-old: Yeah? Well I say Baddy-Elle. Me: It’s incorrect. Seven-year-old (crossly): Well we’ve been learning about rights at school and it’s my RIGHT to say Baddy-Elle!

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole Less a guilty confession, more an adorable story.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

6 months

@fesshole Met up with a guy who was short For naughty fun, or so I thought I tugged on his willy: While I wanked him silly, He sucked on and ate my chest wart.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

Brilliant 😂

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole I think that’s sensible, on reflection.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole Thomas the Wank Engine.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 month

A friend just pointed out that virtually no one knows the full names of their great-grandparents, so we'll be forgotten within three generations. Almost no one will leave a legacy. Our books will go out of print, our records will date, our work will be forgotten. Have fun now.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

@LouiseRawAuthor So incredibly immoral, unethical and fucked up. Thanks for posting.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

Ha ha, what a tweet to wake up to! This must be how that other Tory MP @RosieisaHolt feels every time she tweets 🤣

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

Well, this blew up thanks to all the ’80s kids. Check out this TikTok I made with my daughter, born in 2011.

Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

Downloaded the TikTok app, set up a profile @arianesherinecomedy , wrote a catchy song… and had to pay my daughter £20 to film the video for it. Rinsed by an 11yo.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole ‘Oh what a feeling/When your work is in the ceiling’ 🎶

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

6 years

Me: Don’t eat brioches on the sofa. You’ll get crumbs between the seats. Seven-year-old: Then you can take the crumbs out from between the seats, can’t you...? Me (sighing): With difficulty. Seven-year-old (solemnly): Well Mum, life is a challenge.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole Aww. If he’s done that, he’s not worth being in love with - seriously.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

@fesshole At least you didn’t multiply.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 months

My mum has cancelled her subscription to the Guardian and Observer 'because it's gone up to £800 a year'. It's a vicious cycle: it goes up in price, so readers unsubscribe. It then has to print fewer copies, costing more per copy, so raises the price. Alas, journalism is dying.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

She was only 15. If she’d been a pretty blonde white girl called Shania, she’d have been rescued amid tabloid headlines like ‘BRIT TEEN SAVED FROM CLUTCHES OF TERROR’. But she’s brown so people see her as evil and foreign, not British and ‘not one of us’.

Shamima Begum bid to regain UK citizenship rejected

The 23-year-old loses her appeal on national security grounds, which means she cannot return to the UK.

www.bbc.co.uk

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

I love my daughter more than life itself. She’s smart and adorable and hilarious, with the kindest heart in existence. Making this my pinned tweet so if I ever get hit by a bus (atheist or otherwise) she’ll always know she’s forever the brightest star in my little universe. ⭐️❤️

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

People treat shop assistants so dismissively, like we’re not fit for anything but serving them. You can almost hear them thinking, ‘How dim and unambitious this serf must be!’ Three of us part-timers were on today: two of us have MAs and the other girl is doing a scientific PhD.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole My husband did this. He’s now my ex-husband.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 months

13yo just had all her super-long hair cut off for charity, so they could make a wig out of it for a child with cancer. She raised over £500 for the charity in 16 hours. I also think the crop really suits her! She looks great. ❤️

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

@max_zammon @WilliamWeirHere @fesshole My last role was online editor for Kitchens Bedrooms & Bathrooms magazine, so I wrote about kitchens for a living. Of course you can get a kitchen for cheaper. I’m talking about the UK average.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

Sunak was clearly the more competent candidate* but the Tories didn't want a brown prime minister. (*don't get me wrong, they're both moral vacuums)

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

My area of London is only 10% white British. Newham is the most diverse borough and there’s something so beautiful about Asian and white and black and Chinese and Eastern European people all mixing and supporting each other and getting on. I’m sorry you’ll never experience that.

Douglas Murray

@DouglasKMurray

2 years

I see many commentators on the census results saying, ‘So what if people who identify as “white British” are a minority in London, Birmingham, Leicester, Manchester, etc?’ Just one answer to which is ‘Because we never voted for this. Quite the opposite in fact.’

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole Happy birthday to you You went to EH2 Bought a shitload of charlie Posted it back to you.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

I am eating hash browns 11yo: I’ve never tried hash browns but I know I don’t like them Me: What?! What if someone said ‘I’ve never met Lily but I know I don’t like her’? 11yo: That’s different. Me: Why? 11yo (solemnly): I am not a hash brown.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

10 months

Isn’t it odd to think that, in 200 years, we’ll be long dead, along with everyone who knew us? Nobody will remember us. Even if we’ve published books and will therefore have an immortality of sorts, few people will want to read them, and that’s if they’re even able to find them.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

I haven't commented on the Israel/Palestine situation because I know so little about it, but Hamas's actions are horrendous and my heart goes out to all my Jewish friends. I also feel for every innocent civilian caught up in these attacks, and hope there's peace very soon.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole ‘Fuck you, I won’t spell what you tell me’ 🎶

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

@fesshole Sorry but Google only charges the advertiser for unique clicks.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

Me: And urine does not come out of a vagina Him (confused, flustered): Well, you cannot have two consultations in the same appointment! [he’d already prescribed me the Pill] Jesus Christ. I’m gonna change my GP to one familiar with the female anatomy I think! WTF?

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

4 months

Oh wow. I applied to the Society of Authors @Soc_of_Authors for an Authors' Foundation grant, with an excerpt of my work-in-progress novel, and just received an email saying I've been awarded a grant of £5,000! I'm so SO grateful to them for having faith in my writing. #SoAGrants

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

I’m 42 today! And the answer to life, the Universe and everything - for me - is having the world’s sweetest daughter. She made me an incredible birthday card and an amazing Happiness Jar full of bits of paper with beautiful messages like ‘I love you’ and ‘you rock’. I’m so lucky.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@Femi_Sorry @MitchBenn Same yesterday on the Central Line. I wanted to ask them to wear theirs but also didn’t want to get punched in the face!

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

So my boyfriend came round yesterday and we talked and cried. I agreed to go into therapy - there’s a specific therapy for BPD sufferers called DBT - and we’re going to try again as we love each other. Thank you all for your kindness through the darkness. It means so much to me.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole ‘No interview, no cry’ 🎶

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

After repeatedly being called a bitch and whore and told to kill myself, I’ve finally muted notifications on that post. It’s not always easy being a woman online, but this meme someone posted did make me laugh.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

6 years

Eight years ago, I was pregnant with my daughter and was so mentally ill I was desperate to end my life. The idea of bringing out a book was unimaginable. But I got better thanks to meds and therapy, and my new book Talk Yourself Better is published today.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

@fesshole Working in interiors, am guessing the paint brands they ask for are Farrow & Ball and Little Greene.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

The difference a little money makes to your life: You don’t have to go deeper and deeper into debt cos of interest. You can fix things when they break! You don’t have to be cold or sick or buy crappy things that don’t function properly. I wish we had a Universal Basic Income.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

@fesshole Maybe she misunderstood the request, ‘can you pull me off?’

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

Was telling the 11yo about the amazing little black dress I bought for my first date with her dad back in Sept 2009. She asked what it looked like, so I found a photo. Weird to think she might never have existed without that dress. Dress: £50 from TopShop. Daughter: priceless.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

2 years

Lil’s new best friends at secondary school are called Ava and Elle. I swear they’re starting some sort of Palindrome Club. And what time does Palindrome Club meet? Noon! LOL.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 years

My six-year-old daughter has patiently been explaining race to me: “But Mummy, nobody is black or white. They’re either brown or peach.” I look forward to her reworking of the Michael Jackson classic, “Don’t matter if you’re brown or peach”.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

Thinking back fondly to more innocent times, where the most salacious rumour about George Osborne was that he enjoyed having a roll-on deodorant shoved up his arse.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

1 year

I got depressed and ended my relationship. I hate being obese, and don’t have the confidence to be with a man who openly admits to fancying other women, all of whom are skinny and some of whom I know. I’m too jealous and insecure. I’ll be OK but might stay off Twitter for a bit.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

7 years

Husband: Isn't Mummy the best mummy? Six-year-old: No. Me (worried): No? Why not?! Six-year-old (matter-of-factly): No reason. But there's billions of mummies in the world, so it's very unlikely that you'd be the best.

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Ariane Sherine

@ArianeSherine

3 years

The 10yo is greatly enjoying @Baddiel ’s new kids’ book (The Boy Who Got) Accidentally Famous, though she finds it funny that the inside jacket blurb appears to say ‘But, as everyone knows, fame comes at a price… £12.99’!