Anthony DeVito @AnthonyDeVito_ Twitter profile

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Anthony DeVito

11 months

Full @donttellcomedy set is up! Very big thanks to the crew and everyone over there. They do great work. Watch. Share. Tell a friend. Link in bio.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

There are too many shows dedicated to helping hot people fuck on an island. Not one show about helping ugly people get a ride to Costco.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

Netflix, this is the lecture (special) we need! A hammered Charles Barkley, making a nightclub appearance, going off about gender equality.

Ned Balme

@NedBalmeLives

2 years

“If you’re gay or transgender, I love you. And if anyone gives you any shit, tell em Charles says f*ck you!” - Charles Barkley

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Let OJ host, the man knows double jeopardy.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

This Nirvana baby still chasing money.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

There should be pick up theater like pick up basketball. We need one more, my man can you be Hamlet?

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

Former Spirit pilots are going to be in these JetBlue cockpits like “what are all these buttons? We just had UP and DOWN.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

🚨TONIGHT🚨Here’s a clip from my stand up special “Brain Noise” premiering tonight at 8pm EST on my YouTube channel. I’ll be in the chat alternating between freaking out and answering stuff. Join me! Share if you’re feeling charitable. Premiere link:

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Comedy bookers will be like “don’t curse, our crowd is older.” You think a guy who served in Vietnam is going to be like “oh no, not words!”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Weird we can’t get half the country to take the vaccine, we’re usually so good at mass shootings.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Hey Stanley Tucci, less time searching for Italy and more time searching for Jon Benet’s killer.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Covid showing up to every conservative radio host like “heard you were talking shit.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

You know a therapy session has gone off the rails when you hear yourself say “yeah, Ratatouille was underrated.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

5 years

Let’s all Venmo Dina!

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Cuomo is currently looking at flights to Austin.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

7 years

My debut album "Dream Occupation" is out on @ComedyCentral records. Maybe you'll like it. Here's an iTunes link:

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Love being in Port Authority, watching a cop use an assault rifle to give directions to the M&M store.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

When they catch a serial killer after they die it’s always anticlimactic. Everyone’s like “this old guy? I guess.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Hey @NYCMayor , long time listener, first time tweeter. 30th Ave in Astoria is like Spring Break in Panama City. Clean this shit up or we’re all going to die. Thanks dawg.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

If ESPN starts showing Korean baseball again I’ll know we’re doomed.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

🚨SPECIAL IS OUT🚨Here’s another clip from my free stand up special “Brain Noise.” I made this by myself so I appreciate all the shares, RTs, views, comments, everyone who’s been helping get the word out. Thanks so much. Keep that going! Watch here:

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Taking a bath I become 3 different versions of a person as the bath goes on. Just water: I’m a cowboy in a whorehouse. Add bubbles: I’m a woman in a tough marriage. Water drains: I’m a dead musician.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Hot take: bread smells better than it tastes.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

7 years

My debut album "Dream Occupation" is available on 8/18. Pre order here:

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Ran a show there. Met my girlfriend there. Recorded an album there. Bombed beyond measure. Ate a lot of Mexican food. Clogged toilets. The Creek will always hold a special place in the history of NYC comedy.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

I thought Eric Clapton cared when kids die.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Every secondary character in a Marvel show ends up being some super hero. Oh, you thought that was just a waiter? Turns out that was “Serverissimo!”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

My gf wants a $6000 wedding dress. I asked her to marry me. She asked me to rob a bank.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

6 years

Just have government employees host the Oscars, they need the money.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Once a year Tim Cook stands on stage and announces to the world “our child laborers have really outdone themselves this time!”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

When I grew up Tommy Hilfiger and Nautica were big. People ask “what were the 90s like?” Mainly kids acting tough in sailing wear.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Cruel joke for unemployment to stop on Labor Day.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Twitter has two speeds. It’s either I love this TV show or I hate this Senator.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

Another killer hour by one of the best comics working today. Tall idiot @sammorril at the top of his game. Watch this special.

Sam Morril

@sammorril

2 years

New special streaming now on Netflix. Hope you enjoy it.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Crazy having a kid during these times. Telling them about their future like “work hard and you can be whatever you want, from ‘gasoline gang warlord’ to ‘machete salesman.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Plot of the new Matrix movie: Neo takes the red pill then won’t shut up about mask mandates.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Joe Rogan talking to his doctor:

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Trumps so desperate he’s going to suggest being in an “open relationship” with the presidency.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Dominos will do anything but get better at pizza. They’ll give out free lava cakes and fix street potholes but they won’t rethink their cheese to sauce ratio.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

My mom called. Once I picked up, she said “cancer skips a generation so you’re fine but your kids won’t be.” Then I said “hello.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

8 years

Please come to @creekandcave on Friday, May 12th, for my @ComedyCentral album recording. Two shows, 8pm and 10pm!

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

Here’s a joke from my special about mass shooters. Wish this bit wasn’t so perpetually timely. Crazy when Steve Kerr makes more sense than a senator. But if you like the joke, watch my full special “Brain Noise:"

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

Nothing like taking a bus to Atlantic City. Riding in sadness to arrive at despair.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

7 years

In case you missed the special last night, watch it here:

Comedy Central Stand-Up

@standup

7 years

Enjoy @AnthonyDeVito_ ’s full episode of #CCSUP right here.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

I was just in Indiana, what a wild state. So open minded about food but not people. They don’t see deep frying a cream pie as unnatural but same sex marriage? They’re like “whoaaaaa, slow down.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

5 years

Forgot to put this clip on Twitter. Here ya go, retweet if you want. Really, no pressure.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Come see my solo show “My Dad isn’t Danny DeVito” @UnionHallNY on 8/14 at 7 30. It’s been called “needs work but I like it.” Ticket link:

Anthony DeVito: My Dad Isn't Danny DeVito

Anthony DeVito: My Dad Isn't Danny DeVito - Saturday August 14 - 7:00pm Doors / 7:30pm Show **PROOF OF VACCINATION REQUIRED**

www.eventbrite.com

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

9 years

Hey, I did a story for @thisamerlife . It will be in podcast form come Sunday. It's about my Grandma.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Before our very eyes, Kim Jong Un is slowly transitioning into an Italian man.

New York Post

@nypost

3 years

Kim Jong Un shows off new body at North Korean parade

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

People ask about my favorite stand up bit. 10 years ago, when I was the only other person at an open mic and I watched a guy spiral for 5 mins how NASA is a government cover up for aliens. And he ended with “so that’s why I didn’t like the movie Armageddon.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Once my Italian mother got off board, I knew he was toast. Garlic toast.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

7 years

Last one, my @ComedyCentral @standup special airs tonight at 12am. If you're into it, grab my album "Dream Occupation." Thanks!!!

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Taped some quarantine content for that ass! Don’t know what’s in the video, too scared to watch. Enjoy, thanks! #alonetogether #stayhome #confinementconfessions

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Classic America stuff, telling a bunch of Haitians to go back to Mexico.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Daniel Day Lewis hanging out with his daughter. They’re playing pretend, she calls him a “poopy head.” To inhabit the role, he lives in a toilet for a month.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

🚨NEW ALBUM!!!🚨My second album “Brain Noise” comes out April 19th from @800lbRecords & @thelaughbutton , taped @AcmeComedyCo . Stay tuned for the accompanying special. For now, you can pre-order with the link in my bio! 📷: @heyJuliaJohns

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

You send DM me a receipt of a BLM donation and I WONT send you nudes. Your move, everyone in my phone.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

My mom asked me to buy her breast implants. That’s not a mother to son request, more of a stripper to senator conversation.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Easier to get a TV credit as a real estate agent than a comedian.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

7 years

This is going to make an unbelievable 30 for 30. If we're still here.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Traffic report in LA: “the freeway is backed up again because James Corden and his goddamn friends are playing dress up.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Best part about doing comedy: waking up at noon to write jokes. Worst part: needing to have a take on Jake Paul. Real worst part: checking to see how my Jake Paul tweet is doing.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Love when a guy friend has a kid and their lock screen changes from Kevin Durant to their daughter.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Happy Rosh Hashanah to all the Jews who’ve stopped me on the street to ask if I was Jewish then walked away.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Thanks so much to the staff @AcmeComedyCo and all the people who came out to the recording. Fingers crossed there’s a special in there. God. Glory. Guns.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Hope the vote that puts Biden over in GA is from TI.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

@joshgondelman Don’t talk to me unless…I’ve had my hourly bout with existential dread.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

I feel bad for Zuckerberg. He’s going to have to sell so much private data to make up all this money.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

At some point celebrities get so rich they must make a show to tell the world “food is really something huh?”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

There was nobody better at taking dark turns in jokes. Such a truly original voice in comedy. What a legend. RIP Norm.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

My prediction: “Doing big numbers, like Biden in Philly” will be in rap for years to come.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

If 2K had balls they’d rate LeBron’s acting in Space Jam.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

5 years

Hello everyone! I’m working out my one person show @UnionHallNY on 1/19 at 7! Come see “Italian Nanette,” so far it’s gotten a lot of positive reviews from close friends who are extremely biased. Check it out for yourself!

My Dad Isn't Danny DeVito

Anthony DeVito: My Dad Isn't Danny DeVito

www.eventbrite.com

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

A vitamin fell into my sandwich while listening to jazz. It’s the oldest I’ve ever felt.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

20 years from now our kids are going to find our old, home testing kits with their friends and be like “let’s play ‘Covid.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

No more marijuana testing in the NBA? Post game interviews about to be different. “LeBron, what happened tonight?” “You know, the balls gonna do what the balls gonna do. If you really think about it, balls are crazy man.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

You know you’re wrong when Howard Stern has the moral high ground. The guy who made a living throwing ham on porn stars is like “these anti-vaxxers are fucked up.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Hey, Canada. My set from @justforlaughs is airing July 14 at 10pm on CTV Comedy. I remember bombing for most of the set, then picking up steam towards the end. Watch for yourself.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

@tomsegura @YouTube Man, you’re so funny! Thanks a lot for tweeting out the link. Super cool. Dad mouth 4 life.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Lost taste and smell. Going to be tough for me to protect the city without all six—that’s right, you heard me—senses.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Kanye’s one step away from being like “give it up for the Taliban on the vocals!”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Trumps going to fall hard. Next month, he’ll be on Rogan, talking about “buy my energy drink.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

7 years

A friendly reminder, my special airs Friday at 12am. If you like it, there's more on my album "Dream Occupation."

Comedy Central Stand-Up

@standup

7 years

. @AnthonyDeVito_ has some ideas for women's magazines. #CCSUP

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Man, I am tweeting today. So far I’ve fired off three bad boys. And trust me, these boys were bad. Im talking “sunglasses at night” kind of tweets.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Weird to be oblivious and have anxiety. Oh, I’ll worry. Just need to be told what to worry about.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

6 years

I’m selling “I survived the blue light” shirts on my website. Hit me up, they’re like a thousand dollars.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Some hurricane material for that ass!

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Excited for Wild Hogs 3!!!

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

My last note on tennis: make the umpire chair comically higher.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

We’re 10 minutes out from the premiere of my YouTube stand up special “Brain Noise.” Hawaiian shirt is on. I’m two tiki drinks in. Pants? Where we’re going we don’t need pants! Join the chat. Let’s party ⬇️⬇️⬇️

Anthony DeVito: Brain Noise I Full Special

In Anthony's first full length special he jokes about fiscal responsibility, our political state, the toll of the pandemic, mental health, and working retail...

www.youtube.com

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

After he becomes president, I hope the press still refers to Biden as “former Vice President.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

2 years

🚨TOMORROW🚨My stand up special “Brain Noise” premieres on my YouTube channel at 8pm EST. I’ll be in the live chat answering questions, giving away prizes and offering advice on subjects I know nothing about. Should be fun! I’m nervous. Here’s the link:

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

4 years

Ever get the Captcha “how many streetlights” question wrong and think to yourself, “damn, maybe I’m a robot.”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

At an airport, whenever they say “we welcome all military to board first.” I always want to walk up and ask “does Isis count?”

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

You don’t know tired until you’ve been 39 and it’s 8 30 at night.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

5 years

Damn, I can’t go live on twitch because I don’t know what it is. Just a thing I’ve heard people say. Sounded cool though.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

7 months

Listen to Sam! Come out! Grab tickets in my bio!

Sam Morril

@sammorril

7 months

I’m producing @AnthonyDeVito_ ‘s new stand-up show about his family and insane experience in organized crime. It’s very funny and also incredibly fucked up and fascinating, He’s running it at Union Hall in Brooklyn 4/17 at 10PM. Highly recommend checking this out.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

These surfers chasing a 100 foot wave, crazy to know the actual measurement of the void you’re trying to fill.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

Boba Fett, whitest teeth on Tatooine.

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Anthony DeVito

@AnthonyDeVito_

3 years

🚨MINNEAPOLIS!!! 🚨 I’m taping my next album/special @AcmeComedyCo on October 27-30. Come out and be a part of history! Grab tickets, link in my bio. 📸: @heyjuliajohns

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