Louis Barfe @AlanKelloggs Twitter profile

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Louis Barfe

2 years

Polite request: If you're including a picture in a tweet, can you please add an image description? Let everyone enjoy whatever it is you're sharing.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

28 days

It's a shame nobody on this coverage is attributing the rise of Reform UK to how many fucking thick bastards there are in this country.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

No, Stanley, you risible old shit. Your son did not "take one for the team". He probably gave it to the team.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

I have some very sad news. My darling Lyttelton died this morning. It was as good as could be hoped for. She was asleep on my chest in bed, and she just stopped breathing. She was the very best of everything and I wish I could have another 17 years with her.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

7 years

People are leaving flowers and jars of marmalade on Paddington's statue. No, there's just something in my eye. #RIPMichaelBond

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

1 month

Keir Starmer is not a Tory. If you are on the left and you think he is, really just have a word with yourself. He might not be as pure as you, but he's a decent human being with a sense of public service, and after 14 years of slash and burn shithouses, I'll take that.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

7 years

ISIS have just claimed responsibility for Galway Girl by Ed Sheeran.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

Listen, you rancid shitters, you can't claim that the past you want to go back to was both the golden age of our nation and an endurance test you did well to survive. Pick one and fuck off.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

I wonder how many people would have voted Leave if that bus had said "Let's give the NHS to America"?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

2 years

As the biographer of Les Dawson, I can state confidently that almost none of his material was racially dodgy, and he was always the butt of his own jokes, even the mother-in-law ones. He once turned up at the Comedy Store open mic and stormed it. He'd have been a star in any era.

Lee Anderson MP

@LeeAndersonMP_

2 years

Lovely Les. I see a tribute to Les is on the box tonight. Not sure he would be allowed on the TV nowadays. Fairly sure he would send the left into meltdown with his jokes. Me? Accuse me of being stuck in the 70s but I think he was hilarious.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

Here's how clever Rylan Clark-Neal is. Most people who get involved with reality TV end up used by it. He's one of the very few to use reality TV successfully. He played the various angles, got established and when the big moment came, he had the wit to do it. Respect.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

6 years

@wisestreligion @Tesco Show me on the doll where Tesco bummed you, Ian.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

Talk in the pub earlier (IN THE ACTUAL PUB) turned to the greatness of Terry Wogan, and I remembered what a friend of mine said about him. In her 20s, she was a production assistant on Come Dancing. Quietly, he protected all the young women on the show from creeps.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Mate, you've literally just described actors.

NursingNotes

@NursingNotesUK

3 years

Actor turned controversial political leader Laurence Fox has taken aim at NHS claiming it is ‘so sensitive it needs a round of applause just to finish work’.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

@bbclaurak Scuffles are what happens outside a provincial Wetherspoon's on Curry Club night. This, Laura, is an attempted coup by white surpremacists.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

I see the MP who inherited her seat from her disgraced husband in an utterly transparent process has turned off replies to that shitty tweet. Fancy.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

1 year

I've been thinking about that bizarre, clueless Amanda Holden comment about Paul O'Grady not having "a woke bone in his body". O'Grady was very woke indeed, and a perfect example of how you can be PC and say what the hell you want. He knew what free speech was, and used it.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

My mum: "Who were you just on the phone to?" Me: "BBC Radio Cambridgeshire." Mum: "Why are they ringing you on a Sunday?" Me: "For an interview." Mum: "What about?" This is why I remain grounded despite being Book of the Week in the Times.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

@JakeFutboI There's a difference between arrogance and knowing you're the best in the world at what you do.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

Wetherspoons could be the only pubs going and I'd still not go near them.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

CASSETTES WERE DOGSHIT. WE USED THEM BECAUSE THERE WAS NO ALTERNATIVE IF YOU WANTED TO RECORD STUFF. THEN MINI DISC CAME ALONG AND WE DIDN'T NEED THESE FIDDLY FUCKING THINGS ANYMORE. STOP FETISHISING SHIT FROM THE PAST JUST BECAUSE IT'S OLD.

The Mirror

@DailyMirror

5 years

Music cassette sales follow vinyl with demand hitting a 15-year high

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

@gabby_nicole___ @jfksafk You're American. You can't talk to us about shit food.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Looking forward to the chapter in Mark Francois' memoirs where he talks about that time he disappeared from public view for a year.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

The Jeremy Kyle Show has been a major contributor to making this country the cruel, mean shitpit that it is. No better than going to Bedlam to laugh at the inmates.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

2 years

@tonyposnanski @kenklippenstein @stlhistorianman And Musk hasn't invented anything.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

1 year

Seeing a lot of tweets saying "I can't believe that Les Dennis got to knob Amanda Holden". Les Dennis is absolutely one of the nicest people in showbiz, and some women fancy really nice blokes. Hey lads, you should try it some time.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

@KTHopkins Have you got a t-shirt that says "WILL FUCK IN FIELDS FOR ATTENTION"?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

6 years

Dim hi-vis tit on the news: "You're not even allowed to walk down the street and be British or English anymore, you know what I mean, and that's wrong." No, I don't know what you mean. I walk down the street daily and I am, let's be frank, English to an almost disturbing degree.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

2 years

@HrryFlwrs Yeah. I think he might be a cunt.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

I've just dropped my darling girl off for cremation. I wore the black tie I bought for my Nan's funeral in 2003. It's been knotted since that day. I just loosen it for removal then put it on and tighten it up again when I need to wear it.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

Do please go to David Vance's timeline and report the living shit out of the stuff he's posted to and about Marcus Rashford and David Lammy.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

7 months

I've just had a scroll through @Glinner 's timeline. He's repeatedly posting pictures of teenagers who've had top surgery. Obviously, I'm not suggesting anything untoward, but a man in his fifties posting pictures of bare-chested teenagers could be seen as dodgy.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Mike Hunt and Mike Oxlong. They have presenters who fall for two of the oldest, most obvious elephant traps in broadcasting. Jesus H Corbett.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

I know people who worked with Esther McVey in television. "Thick as shit but ruthlessly ambitious."

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

One episode of Up the Elephant and Round the Castle began with Jim Davidson being mugged. Davidson had made himself so unpopular with the crew that they had a whip-round and said to the young actor playing the mugger that they'd give him the lot if he actually hit Davidson.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

2 years

I'm in a pub that's playing constant Beatles. I hold with @prodnose 's view. The Beatles are not overrated. It's impossible to overrate the Beatles. If anything, they're underrated.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

If you're male, white and think you've ever been a victim of racism, climb into the bin, you fuckwit.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

If you want a measure of their intelligence, Brexit Party MEPs are celebrating being elected to something they don't think should exist.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

6 years

I've spent my entire politically-aware life kidding myself that 'it could never happen here', but that was bollocks. It could. It can. It is. The country's full of nasty little racists who quietly or not so quietly support actual Nazis. I want my country back from them.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

@darrengrimes_ Was it craft beer, #Craftywank ?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

What kind of man makes his ex-wife move house while in the advanced stages of terminal cancer? Deborah Orr was by far the better human being in that situation, and by far the better writer in that marriage. She was also brilliant on here. I'm going to miss her. Many people are.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

If you think 5G is a problem, you are the sort of person who would happily burn a virgin police officer in a giant man-shaped basket.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

7 years

Good news, I've been appointed to head up the Government's nuclear waste disposal programme. I have no qualifications for the job, but I will bring independence, rigour and caustic wit, which will be handy when there's a massive fucking accident with some uranium.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

Indeed, Davidson ensured that the actor was blacklisted and never heard of again. I wonder what happened to David Thewlis?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

@Dominic2306 @DavidGauke God's teeth, is all a game for you, isn't it? Dicking about babbling about the Good Friday Agreement? Do you have the first fucking clue how important the GFA was? You stupid fucking bastard.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

You can just tell that at some point in his life, Mark Francois has tried to give himself a nickname and failed.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

And when they had civic receptions in the towns they visited, he was sweetness and light to the mayor or whoever, but hilariously scathing about them when they weren't listening. In short, he was a fucking delight.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

A eugenicist who stands to inherit a farm.

Mike Buckley 🌹

@mdbuckley

4 years

What kind of a man goes to visit his *elderly parents* when sick with an illness that disproportionately targets the old?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

6 years

I'm a parent. I wish you'd fuck off.

Nigel Farage MP

@Nigel_Farage

6 years

The wishes of parents should be paramount in a free society. The state should not own our kids.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

Laurence Fox. Another posh boy who hasn't been told to fuck off anywhere near enough in his charmed life.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

2 months

I'm aghast at but slightly exhilarated by the extent of Sunak's fuck-up. It's HUGE. It's like heckling at a funeral and then wanking on the coffin.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

The milkshake thing is quite astonishing. If we can halt the rise of fascism through the medium of slapstick comedy, I'm all in favour.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Sad news about Lionel Blair. He carried a silver dollar with him wherever he went. Not legal tender. Sammy Davis Jr had them minted for his mates. They said "Because I dig you".

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

7 years

@imleyton Both lovely and neither would touch you with a bargepole.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

6 years

@Nigel_Farage @mattfrei Was he Russian?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

2 years

I'm in a B&B in Blackpool. The only other guests at breakfast are a couple picking whispered faults with everything. I paid £26. The room was spotless. The couple who run it are doing everything. Just can it, bastards.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

7 years

Earlier today, my darling Lyttelton went missing on a walk. She's nearly 15 and her hearing and eyesight aren't what they were. I spent an hour in fading light trying to find her, heartbroken. Came home to get a big torch. Guess who was scratching at the back door?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

7 years

@LeaveEUOfficial The Germans aren't the fascists now. YOU ARE.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Harry Secombe would have been 100 today. A story I was told by Vernon Lawrence, former head of light entertainment at Yorkshire Television, if I may. Stop me if you've heard it before.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

That Elton John video's going to be making me laugh daily for the rest of my natural.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

6 years

The BBC is not the enemy. It is hugely flawed, but if you help to undermine it now for whatever reason, you are complicit in it's demise, and we'll all be worse off when it's gone.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Went to the pub for dinner with my mum tonight. The starters arrived. "Two soups." The whole table went into convulsions.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

You know who'd have sorted all this terrible shit out and had (nearly) everybody smiling? Mo Mowlam.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

7 years

@TookEnglandBack The old passports were black, knobchops.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

She's good. Really good.

Matt Zarb-Cousin

@mattzarb

5 years

This is phenomenal

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

6 years

'Low IQ individual' has always been my first thought on seeing the name Robert De Niro.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

@Jacob_Rees_Mogg How can you make eating crisps look so fucking unnatural?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

55 seconds in. This whole thing just encapsulates the pair of them for me. Frost asks which of them is the brains. Ernie's answer cracks Eric up. Then just glory in what Eric says to Frost. The way they made each other laugh, and all of us too. They were the best, weren't they?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

11 months

ULEZ is so onerous that my 17 year old Honda, which looks like someone has tried to break into it with a tin opener, is fully compliant.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

2 months

Anyone who thinks the youth of today are weak, pampered and entitled clearly hasn't spoken to any of them, or, more importantly, listened.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

There is a strain of old punk bloke, embodied by Lydon, that thinks they're still out there and counter-culture, when they've been clove-studded gammon for decades. Tedious in the extreme.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Something I've had to keep quiet for a while, but can now reveal is that 'Sunshine and Laughter' is going to be a Radio 4 Book of the Week. Best of all, Penelope Keith is reading it. ACTUAL PENELOPE KEITH.

BBC Radio 4 - Sunshine and Laughter by Louis Barfe, 1. Getting Together

The story of Morecambe and Wise. Eric and Ernie meet as teenagers in a variety show.

www.bbc.co.uk

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

She has just returned after six and a half hours AWOL.

Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

My beagle has been missing for over three hours. I'll be honest, my Saturday evening plans did not include standing in a disused quarry with a torch.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

6 years

People under 80 chuntering on about 'Dunkirk spirit'. You did not live through the Second World War. You sat cross-legged on the staff room floor, watching How We Used To Live. It is not the same.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

Have we addressed the possibility that Cummings isn't that clever really, he's just convinced people he is and he's pushing his luck because nobody's ever told him to piss off?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

@Benfogle Just leave it, for the love of fuck.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

His wife is livid. They live at 77.

Mirror Celeb

@MirrorCeleb

3 years

Jon Snow breaks cover for first time after becoming dad again to baby boy at 73

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

2 years

That night at the Comedy Store, he just turned up and waited to be called. The alternatives were gathered, wondering what he was going to do. He tailored the act to the audience. Totally won. Jim Barclay, a comedian who was 'woke' decades before the term existed, was awestruck.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

@Digbylj She's not going to shag you, mate.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

Dear Didn't Happen drudges. Sometimes real life is stranger and funnier than anything anyone could make up. By saying 'didn't happen', you are tacitly admitting that nothing strange, funny or even remotely interesting has happened in your drab, wretched existence.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

2 years

If Les Dawson were alive today, he wouldn't be huffing and puffing about what he could and couldn't say. He'd have known where the lines were, and he'd have just got on with being funny and beloved.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

Currently dealing with someone who thought dropping "my darling girl" off for cremation referred to a daughter. In general, it is not considered the done thing to take a child's corpse in a Honda Jazz to an industrial estate in Bridgend.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

Get fucked.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Aberfan. 55 years ago today. If you're ever passing on the A470 and you have time, please go and visit the memorial garden where the school stood. Then visit the cemetery. Walk along the rows of memorials. See how long you can keep it together.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Noel Clarke must feel comforted slightly by all the support from all the men with eight digits in their handle and two digits in their follower count.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

@Nigel_Farage You'd have been on the other side in 1944.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Cracking pub landlord on LBC. We're still doing table service and social distancing, because it's the responsible thing to do. We have a duty of care. If the old boy who comes in every day for two pints doesn't come in one day, we'll check where he is. It's what we do.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

That's why, to this day, nobody has heard of David Thewlis.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

Anyone else had a robotic fake HMRC "press 1 or you will get arrested shortly" phone call?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

I've always said history will be kind to Gordon Brown. This unholy shitshow is a stark contrast to his decisive action when it all went tits up in 2008.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

The day I hoped would never come. I wanted to believe he was immortal. In a way, though, he is. I'm going to miss him, and so are the parrots. #RIPBarryCryer

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

@toadmeister Always with the self-owns, Toby. You're making this too easy. You only got in because your dad rang up. My dad was a brickie. He couldn't just ring up a university and finagle a way in for me. Why don't you just shut up every so often, or do you actually enjoy the humiliation?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

1 month

I would absolutely love a socialist utopia, but, at the moment, I'll just take getting rid of those shithouse bastards.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

@Lord_Sugar I heard a rumour you have to coax yours out for a piss with a lettuce leaf.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

I am mightily sick and tired of all the people who want the BBC shut down because it doesn't prop up every opinion they've pulled out of their arse. It's not perfect. I have issues with the news coverage and Question Time is a shitshow. However, the BBC isn't just news.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

6 years

Nigel Farage has been round 'all the media broadcasters' today giving them the benefit of his expertise on aerospace.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

Enjoying all the right-wing shitflakes going "Waaah waaahh but Ian Hislop is part of the Establishment". Missing the point that Private Eye was started by sons of the Establishment to take the piss out of it. Diplomat's son Peter Cook even called his nightclub The Establishment.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 years

You know who won the ITV Debate? Everyone who didn't watch it.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

5 months

Whatever you think of George Galloway, he's a fucking awful human being.

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

*Best Daphne Oxenford voice* Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. It's fair to say that Jim Davidson was not universally loved by the crew that worked on his inexplicably popular Thames sitcom, Up the Elephant and Round the Castle.

Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

4 years

Is it time for the Jim Davidson story again?

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Louis Barfe

@AlanKelloggs

3 years

@Miss_Snuffy You're a fucking danger, hen.

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