Matt Mitchell @ALostrich Twitter profile

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

If SEC teams were Little Debbies

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

3 years

Shout out to everyone who grew up watching the Braves on TBS with your MeeMaw and PawPaw. This one’s for them.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

27 days

I don’t believe God has a favorite college football team but I’m beginning to think his least favorite is Florida

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Alabama took one look at Hurricane Dorian and evacuated the whole map.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

Bring back MTV Cribs but only feature SEC coaches. I wanna confirm my suspicions that Mike Leach resides in an abandoned Ruby Tuesday.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

Roy Moore just picked up a whole bunch of twitter followers. But they ain't from around here, comrade.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

If your family asks you to bring rolls to Thanksgiving, it’s because you can’t cook. If they tell you exactly what brand to buy, it’s because you also can’t be trusted and you’re one screw up from bringing ice next year.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Auburn basketball fans are like pollen. I didn’t see any a month ago but now they’re everywhere and it’s giving me a headache.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

BREAKING: North Korea issues challenge to Bama. Tide opens as 24-point favorite.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

Church signs in 2008: POTLUCK THIS SUNDAY Church signs in 2018:

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

8 years

And now, for the grand finale, 2016 is taking out Mariah Carey live on stage

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

The polls are now closed in Alabama. Time for some numbers. We can expect Roy Moore to be somewhere near the teens. Oh, and we’ll probably get some election results.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Y’all gonna be disappointed when you rush Area 51 and find out Alexander Shunnarah already has a billboard in there.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

#PrayForGadsden

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

9 months

A national championship game without the SEC

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

Nobody: Alabama Emergency Alerts: ⚠️HEY THIS THING HAPPENED 3 COUNTIES OR ROUGHLY 38 DOLLAR GENERALS AWAY FROM YOU THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT JUST WANTED TO SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF YOU⚠️

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Who looks more depressed? Nick Saban because he has to watch this game or Clemson’s mascot because he exists?

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

9 months

Kristen Saban told me she knew it was coming but had no idea it was going down today. They’re headed to Disney. I didn’t ask if Nick was going but I like to imagine he is. 10 seconds on It’s a Small World is all he needs to rethink this retirement thing.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

BREAKING: UCF fails to win back-to-back national championships but claims they will continue to defend their title in the Super Bowl, Stanley Cup, Tour de France, Miss America, Dancing with the Stars, Quidditch World Cup, and Jumanji.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

A lot of people don’t know this but Najee Harris is actually the state bird of Alabama

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

I know Mother Nature is putting the South in the oven this summer. We got seasoned with pollen then stuck right back in the fridge to marinate.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

When the balloon comes South

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

9 months

What a game. Incredible finish. That will undoubtedly go down in college football history as VACATED.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

3 years

My favorite college football rivalry is Auburn vs its own boosters.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

White House: I bet firing Scarammuci is the craziest thing in the news today. Walker County Jail: Hold my peanut butter...

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

This game is going to last 17 hours. No human should ever be subjected to that much Gary Danielson.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

How important is football in Alabama? There’s been about 9 tornado warnings across the state this afternoon and no one even noticed.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

3 years

The CDC said y’all can take that Salt Life sticker off your car now.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

People in the South when it drops below 32

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

So far this week Alabama has had 9 tornadoes, 4 freeze warnings, basketball-sized hail, snow flurries, and 80 degree temperatures. If we get a hurricane before Friday we’ll win weather bingo.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

Pray for Nick Saban. Not only does he have COVID, he also has to listen to Gary Danielson today.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

Getting married with a John Deere and a tornado in the background. This is peak Alabama.

James Spann

@spann

6 years

Wedding today in Opelika… with a tornado making a guest appearance… photo from @Murph24c

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

BREAKING: Auburn extends Gus Malzahn’s contract until 3039 for an additional $768 trillion.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Auburn fans vs. the hedges is actually Alabama’s greatest rivalry.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

A lot of people don’t know this, but a trampoline flying in a thunderstorm is actually the state bird of Alabama.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

Someone fell through the roof at the Waffle House in Tuscumbia and just started fighting people and I have so many questions

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

1 year

lol I’m gonna watch that double play no less than 700 times tomorrow #AsOneAtl

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

That winter storm fell so short of everyone’s predictions that Auburn actually offered it a 7-year contract extension.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

3 years

You’re still 50% responsible for Florida Georgia Line so I wouldn’t celebrate too much.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

3 years

Lane Kiffin practiced that popcorn line in front of the mirror this morning. I just know it.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

3 years

We need a country song about a real small town. No more dirt road stuff. Let’s hear about the Pizza Hut that became a tobacco store but now it’s a Mexican restaurant.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

Saban standing there like your mom watching you open presents on Christmas morning

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

27 days

did I just get emotionally invested in a Vandy game?

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

How to drive on the interstate in Birmingham: 1. Slam on your brakes for no reason 2. Merge like you’ve never driven a car before 3. Never touch your turn signal 4. Close your eyes 5. Arrive at your destination an hour late

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

I’m afraid some of y’all would take medical advice from a Dr Pepper can if it told y’all what you wanted to hear.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

This month is all about doing the impossible in Alabama. It snowed here last week. We elected a democrat this week. Next week, we will finally learn how to use a turn signal.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Upset Ohio State fans should know that the SEC officiating crew does, in fact, hate their team. But to be fair, SEC refs consistently hate all football teams, the rules of football, puppies, kittens, Africa by Toto, Betty White, bacon, and everything that brings you joy.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

Before any Yankees say something about how we overreact to an inch of snow let me remind you of this:

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

BREAKING: New study reveals majority of Alabamians are not living the “salt life” despite what the sticker on their vehicle says.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

8 years

Every time a Yankee laughs at the South for shutting down because of a snowflake please show them this

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

It’s been so long since Florida won a big game they forgot how to celebrate.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Everyone in Alabama right now: “They’re saying we don’t have the Coronavirus but my cousin’s wife’s sister’s brother knows Doc McStuffins and she said there are 3,000 cases at UAB.”

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

Waffle House Will saw his shadow and immediately tried to fight it. Six more weeks of probation.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

I’m no expert, but I don’t think being 47th in public health and 50th in education is going to make Alabama 1st in disease resistance.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

People say the Eiffel Tower is the most photographed thing in the world, but those people must not know how Alabamians react to a light dusting of snow.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

It’s getting serious out there.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

Next time North Korea acts up we should just drop Nick Saban in the middle of Pyongyang and tell him Kim Jong Un has some questions about Bama’s QB situation.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

On the bright side, I don’t think this early-season loss will hurt Ohio State.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

One billion people in Tuscaloosa and y’all couldn’t stop Gary Danielson from getting in.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

There’s nothing quite as beautiful as Alabama in the fall. 🍂 🍁

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

8 years

Country radio tomorrow: "Wow! How amazing was Sturgill Simpson last night? Anyways, here's Florida Georgia Line for the 300th time today."

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

Live look at Alabama right now:

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

8 years

Sonic in Pelham is throwing serious shade.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

1 year

They can probably stop giving us excessive heat warnings now. We’re well aware.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

You’re gonna tell me a World Cup computer can tell if someone is offsides in 10 seconds but it takes SEC refs 30 minutes to determine literally anything. I’m really questioning what the world’s greatest sport is now

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

MeeMaw Ivey said y’all can go to Cracker Barrel now but you probably shouldn’t touch the peg game.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

8 years

There's been a mistake. #Oscars

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

BREAKING: Super Bowl canceled after UCF claims first NFL Championship

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

Birmingham World Games events: - Ordering at Nikki’s West for the 1st time - Merging from 65 South to 20/59 to Red Mtn Expressway - Sending Vulcan sunset pics to James Spann - Finding parking at UAB - Saying we could’ve been bigger than Atlanta if we got that Delta hub

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

hear me out - what if we launch the rest area rocket at the spy balloon

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

If we can get Chick-fil-A to direct traffic I don’t think we’ll even need the government anymore.

CNBC

@CNBC

6 years

Domino's is no longer just selling pizzas. It's partnering with up to 20 towns and cities in the U.S. to fix potholes.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

This one’s for Alabama

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

11 years

Ok, Northerners, stop criticizing how we handle snow and ice. It's rare down here. Kind of like winning a BCS Championship up there.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

The stimulus checks have arrived in Walker County

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

It’s Spring Break in Alabama and you know what that means? A bunch of Salt Life stickers are finally gonna see the beach for the first time.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Can we change the name of Coronavirus to “State Lottery” so Alabama will never get it?

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

Mississippians: We want a lottery! MS Lawmakers: Cool. Here ya go. Alabamians: We also want a lottery! AL Lawmakers: Ok, but hear me out. What if we made the state bird a gun instead?

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

3 years

I can go ahead and cross “have the CDC director stare unamused at Savannah Guthrie as she reads my joke” off my 2022 goal list.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

Only in Alabama can you get your GED, celebrate with a new tattoo, buy a gun, and find Jesus without leaving the same shopping center.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

8 years

UPDATE: Alabama will soon be crippled by an inch of snow. Travel will be impossible. Food will be rationed. May God have mercy on your soul.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

LSU player of the game

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

I’d like to think Alabama makes the right choice tomorrow, but I’ve seen how much we struggle with self-checkout machines and 2 lane drive-thrus.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Can we reschedule this pollen? The South can only handle one pandemic at a time.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 months

BellSouth would never

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

BREAKING: Local mom causes children to be late on 1st day of school after a 2-hour photo session in driveway. See Facebook for more details.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

THEY CALLED THEMSELVES JEFFERSON PILOT SPORTS AND THEY ONLY DID FOOTBALL AT ELEVEN A.M. AND GAVE NO UPDATES FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD IT WAS LIKE THE UNIVERSE STOOD STILL SO WE COULD WATCH KENTUCKY VS LSU WITH ALL THREE DAVES

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

4 years

The worst part of 2020 ain’t even here yet. If Hurricane Nana reaches Category 5 she’s gonna make us pick our own hickory switch.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

2 years

SWAG LEVELS CRITICAL

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

3 years

So you don’t trust this vaccine but you will chug a glow in the dark loaded tea from the “nutrition” store in the previously abandoned strip mall?

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

So, we all agree that when UAB beats Tennessee in November they can have their spot in the SEC?

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

7 years

BREAKING: Crimson Tide wins national championship in overtime. Alabamians collectively lose 982,927 years off their lives in the process.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

8 years

Verne: It looks like Trump will pick up Mississippi's 6 electoral votes. Gary: You know Verne, this election reminds me of the kick 6.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

Every Christmas I wish for peace on Earth but I’d settle for Gary Danielson to stop talking.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

8 years

"Upon further review, there's been a horrible mistake"

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

5 years

Don’t ever make fun of kids who still believe in Santa. Remember that there are still adults who believe they’re living the Salt Life 200 miles away from the beach.

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Matt Mitchell

@ALostrich

6 years

hello darkness my old friend