Katherine Blanford @thebizznizz Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Some husbands won’t understand this joke.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Remember who is always watching you!

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Thrilled to be making my television debut on @FallonTonight this evening. Mom’s spaghetti time. #FallonTonight

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Salt Daddy, my half hour album is dropping this Friday, June 24. Pre order is available now! I’d love if you supported me in my journey to take over the world one one-up at a time.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Thank god I don’t live in Texas, or I’d be forced to carry 12,000 babies.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

ITS 2019 WHY CAN’T PARMESAN CHEESE BE THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Polished off Thanksgiving with a slice of pie and beat a five year old at Sorry! and screamed BOOYA into her face.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

We’re about to board a plane when the gate agent tells a woman she’s going to have to check her carry on because it’s too big and the woman says she carried it on the last plane. Gate agent says, “and I drink and drive. Sometimes we get lucky.”

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

My boyfriend has conducted an experiment that begins by asking the question, “Hey babe, can I ask you something without you getting upset?” And we have concluded that 9 out of 10 times… He can not.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

See me on @FallonTonight this Wednesday, Aug 3!

The Tonight Show

@FallonTonight

2 years

Get ready for an all new week of #FallonTonight ! 𝗠𝗢𝗡: @chancetherapper & @RezDogsFX 𝗧𝗨𝗘𝗦: @michaelstrahan & @Jamiebower 𝗪𝗘𝗗: @kevinbacon , @Jokoy , & @thebizznizz 𝗧𝗛𝗨𝗥𝗦: @joelmchale & @zoeydeutch

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Love getting into an Uber and the driver greets me with a Good Morning at 2 pm. Comforting to know we’re both still drunk.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

A tired feminist • full clip on my IG!

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

@AGT @lacelarrabee No pyrotechnics. No rock band behind her. No backup singers. No light show. And she still delivered stony. AND had a beautiful comeback.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Thine time hath comith! My little diddy half hour album: Salt Daddy is coming out June 24th. You can preorder through the link in my bio. iTunes preorder is available too they just don’t let us link it. I’d love for my voice to be in your ears.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Women Supporting Women

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

“She grew up in the pandemic.” Is what my granddaughter will whisper to her friend while I wash my purse with dawn dish soap in the mall drinking fountain.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Yes I’m breathtakingly beautiful but I also have to google “is it perform or preform” so think about all the simple things I have to overcome on a day to day basis that you take for granted.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

I’ve tasted three of my friends’ breast milks and now I have a favorite brand. Fav is Sorority Sister Joanna’s, least is Hometown Sarah’s.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

I am in the waiting room with my boyfriends phone while he is in surgery to remove a testicle. Do I go through his phone or do I pray for him while I go through his phone?

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

This woman apologized for having to knit while sitting in the audience to help her fidget. Lady, you’re about to make a warm scarf. To help my fidget, I scroll through my high school enemy’s maternity photoshoots and I make a mental disorder.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

Friend: We had sex for hours. Me: That’s horrible news! I’m so sorry to hear that. What happened? Did something get stuck? How’s your recovery? I’ll send a casserole.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

My puppy is so smart. He will patiently wait by the door until we let him inside to go potty.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Bachelorette parties in your 30’s is just a game of who can get the one pregnant girl drunk.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Who do we think killed her?

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

It’s not the insulting comments that sting but the compliments stating I look just like a certain homely celebrity.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

Wow I just discovered a new diet: order seafood at a Mexican restaurant. I’ve lost 32 pounds in 2 hours!

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

5 years

Dads divorce is final. Gunna miss that step brother who called me caitlyn 5 times at the wedding and I haven’t seen him since.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

@blaireerskine Georgia’s election result will include legally cast ballots - and ONLY legally cast ballots. Period.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Full clip on IG if you want to see why I’m going to die for my sins

blaire erskine

@blaireerskine

3 years

@thebizznizz he’s gonna sue you for copyright infringement @thebizznizz

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

How about a dog section on planes? We can bring our dogs on the plane with us plus we can clearly identify who’s a dog person and who’s a psychopath.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

1 year

It’s 2023 and people are still shaming me for breast feeding my dog in public

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

To the cop who told me to put my Dear White America book down because we don’t need any “accidents” while I was in park, waiting an hour to get a free COVID test. Please, READ a BOOK because we don’t need any more “incidents.”

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

1 year

Told @bertkreischer my deepest darkest confessions. This is the universe teaching me a lesson for cheating. Our #bertcast episode is out now!

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Found a hair in my burrito and ate it cause I’m trying to get that Dahmer glow.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

My cause of death will be crowd working the wrong lonely dude.

No Colin LLC

@BoobieBungelow7

2 years

@thebizznizz is murdering the poor man who's date decided not to come to the show, I'm in literal tears.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Love this new family tradition where we sit by the fire and debate whether stand up comedy or karaoke is harder.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

May we all love ourselves like a weather team spends most of the time covering a winter storm by acknowledging their own hard work covering a winter storm.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

Yes I just quit my job while America is at a 20% unemployment rate but it’s okay I know I’m obvi in a romcom and I will own my own bakery even though I don’t bake this is my destiny.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

5 years

Boyf: ...and I love this the most *kisses my forehead, which holds my brain, my mind, crafted over time surviving heartbreaks and triumphs to become the essence of what makes me uniquely me* Me: my wrinkles?!!

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Count the number of spray tan sweat rings around her inner thigh to know how many times she’s been a bridesmaid.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Nepo baby already getting a halftime show without even singing.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

Boyfriend just got an iPhone for the very first time and he doesn’t know about read receipts yet and this is truley the best time of my life.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

Bro shout out to violinists for giving themselves a double chin for the art.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

I referenced OshKosh B’Gosh and my friend Khaled asked if that was a concentration camp.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

I just had a dream that I was pregnant and 7 years younger and I know if I manifest hard enough I can make both of those come true.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

Prayer Requests is tonight at Red Light Cafe. Doors at 8, show at 8:30. $5 tix online. But look guys, honestly, if you can’t make it tonight, fine. At least buy one of our dumpsters. Gently Used. Kid Friendly.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Show promotion is now “I’m performing an hour of LIVE tiktok clips all weekend long in Buffalo, New York!”

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

5 years

I keep reading this in a 16 yr old popular girl voice 😂😂😂😂

Hillary Clinton

@HillaryClinton

5 years

I don't know who needs to hear this, but the president is not above the law.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

That’s what I call Holiday cheer

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Had a dream we were sitting at crowded picnic tables when a very ripped, beautiful Bill Hader joined us. So I ran around screaming because I couldn’t handle how hot he hath becomith. Then the Rock and Johnny Bravo asked me to tone it down because they were “going thru something.”

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Every time someone tells me I should start a certain TV series I remember I’m still working through the 14 crest white strips I got before senior prom.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

Once you go Black, you still can’t dance!

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Something about me sitting on a plane in the sky watching a live basketball game on earth screaming at 19 year olds that makes me feel like a God.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

If you want to spend more time with your sig nif, offer to make dinner. Buy some spaghetti squash, play some music, cut your hand open while cutting squash and then scream, “I can’t drive myself to the ER!” Guaranteed togetherness.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

Anyone else terrified of the fastest windshield wiper setting? So violent.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

Called Home today to let them know their lil girl has made so much money doing stand up comedy she’s almost paid off all the parking tickets she’s gotten doing stand up comedy!

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

I was on student council in 2004. We decided to hold a skating party called “SKATE THE WAVE” with posters of kids roller blading on a giant wave. It was a fundraising event for tsunami disaster relief and the teachers were so proud. So don’t tell me two wrongs don’t make a right.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

@blaireerskine Brb gotta go get struck by lightening!

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

My favorite time to read is in the evening, in my jammies, candle lit, cuddled up on the couch. I get about a page in and my boyfriend walks in and catches me reading and then I get to stop reading.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

This 9 year old has these inventions she’s gunna sell and “use the money to invest in more inventions.” I’m all but when do we get the yacht and she’s all “there will never be a yacht.” It’s apparent who’s generation grew up with Shark Tank and who’s grew up with The Simple Life.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

A quick and easy way to lose weight and save money is to end all friendships.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

I’m so #10

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

Anyone: Me: I broke my back no no don’t worry it’s only a herniated disc it’ll take me a few minutes to fully sit down but I’ll get there no thank u I can do it on my own I want to be independant despite my setbacks haha that’s a pun I hope u weren’t laughing out of pitty Anyone:

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

“Celebrities, they’re just like us” - your ex

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

The first fad diet was when Simba returned to pride rock and told all the lionesses to try only eating bugs.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

The best way to get a male to wake up is to tell them you’ve never seen the Godfather

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

5 years

What’s it like to not be chewing

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

Update: not much has changed since I went through it yesterday

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

IMDB people who recorded laughs tracks for Disney channel shows and you’ll find your serial killer.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

The greatest threat to our sanity is “IYKYK”

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

One hard truth to injest while reading my book about white priveledge is that I am on a 2nd grade reading level.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

Reason 9362964 to stay home: Coffee shops are open but their bathrooms are not.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

It was four.

Bentley Plaskett

@BPlaskett

2 years

@thebizznizz You are the best— I don’t care how many girls you euthanized during recess (pasture-time)

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Women Jokes Amiright

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

The middle of a venn diagram between soccer players and drag queens is how they fall

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

Freddie Freeman is my favorite Affleck brother. #braves

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

5 years

This is advertising a burlesque show with a twist: I put on more clothes.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

5 years

Are gummies whole 30?

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

5 years

Me when the UberEats person looks into my eyes: “I would have gotten the food myself but the triplets are finally asleep and I desperately needed nutrients or I wouldn’t be able to breast feed.” Narrator: there was indeed no “triplets”

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

I thought they put them in Youth Group to keep them off the streets.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

I wanted a mature, decorative pillow yellow. I got exstacy yellow. I got I’m sixteen but my fake ID says I’m 27 yellow. Bye, moving to Panama City Beach. (THE ORIGINAL CANCUN!)

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

8 months

I take comfort in remembering we’re all going to die. Give it your all, enjoy the ride and then let it go. Our impending expiration is our greatest blessing. Thanks for having me @RyanHoliday

Ryan Holiday

@RyanHoliday

8 months

My conversation with @thebizznizz on The @dailystoic Podcast episode: "Comedian Katherine Blanford on Laughing At Life." Listen to the full episode here:

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

It takes determination, skill and rebounding.

Cheaties

@CheatiesPodcast

3 years

Catching someone cheating should be an Olympic sport.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

I loved this show!

Jabs

@CyberSnark

2 years

@thebizznizz and I in the beautiful Fort Worth 🤠

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Never in history has anyone spoken any word besides “LIAR” after the word “pathological”

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Atlanta in St. Louis this weekend

Helium Comedy STL

@HeliumComedySTL

2 years

This Week at Helium: Open Mic night, @thebizznizz + Clayton English headlines the weekend! Get your tickets:

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

We doing a virtual show for raise money for @fairfightaction Sunday night. Bonus: this line up is slob on your chest good

DC Comedy Loft and Bier Baron Tavern

@bierbarondc

4 years

We are raising money for @fairfightaction Sunday on Tight Five with Blaire Postman! Guests this week are @miacomedy (Comedy Central), @carlettejcomedy , @thebizznizz , Brittany Dent, @lacelarrabee (Fox's Laughs), and Derick Marchel Tix at

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

Paint me like one of your French onion soups

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

Thanks to Lion King and Self Help books, I ALWAYS engage in deep convos with the too drunk girl. She’s my Rafiki.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

I don’t get a lot of references. Most people assume it’s because I had a sheltered childhood but really it’s because I had an addiction to sudoku.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Never have I ever pronounced Indianapolis correctly

Kerri

@kerri_3lizabeth

2 years

Just realized @thebizznizz is coming to Indy in October. 🤩🤗

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

All this time I thought I was being a pre-Madonna

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

3 years

And penciled in for next weeks therapy session: Why, as a 30 year old woman eating rocky road ice cream, am I yelling for a teenage girl to catastrophically nosedive off a tiny beam so my team wins nana booboo?

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Loved meeting you @Jnederhoff you know my jokes better than I do

Jenn Nederhoff

@Jnederhoff

2 years

@thebizznizz thank you for the great laughs @GoodnightsCC such a great show and a great way to spend a Wednesday 🎉🎉

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

@MitneyBitme We need to bring blow horns to mics

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

It was an honor talking to THE ⁦ @LoisReitzes ⁩

Atlanta comedian Katherine Blanford shares her unique brand of self-deprecating humor

Comedian Katherine Blanford has drawn material from her experience as a nanny, which she describes as the “true confessions of a washed-up pediatric waste management specialist.” She also tells war...

www.wabe.org

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

6 years

A women stopped me walking into the gym and told me I’m her favorite female comedian. So that’s the second time this week I’ve been mistaken for @katiebruise

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

It’s 2099 and Versace’s runway show is bring back 2020’s fashion. Women strung down the runway with a floral mask and hairy legs. The “clack, clack, clack” you hear isn’t their high heels, it’s their toe nails.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

2 years

Professional comedian here trying to find the best audio recorder paired with a 4K camera to connect to the sound board to put my art on tiktok thinking models don’t have to know shit about these things.

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Katherine Blanford

@thebizznizz

4 years

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