Morgan @Morgan Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Morgan

@Morgan

5 days

If Trump tries to dump JD Vance he’ll wake up with a horse head NFT in his bed

0

5

Last Seen Profiles

@q8_bofahd_aam

@DjquestBw

@purplewallmusic

@uwaysT

@MniSmrs

@HAMOSHA_

@oktatabye23

@papabaybeanz

@SlavicAlphaBoss

@VmaniakJ

@stw_pdg

@jjohnsonj1

@jandakembangstw

@Naive_face2

@return_carriage

@stw_pdg

@shalom_blac

@RayOrozco_

@BrooklynMirage

@UndesniiEvsel

@Kob_Batter

@NoahRobson16

@unlostv

@sky_y_p_26

@FerreckDawn

@yourfreedom_13

@Ryno2Fifty

@jubszei

@BinorRaja

@NBKzealot

@MRPONZIP

@jandakembangstw

@cindyyuvia

@ASTRO_Ecuador

@LFC_Charlton

@nahz_oaix

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@natashakorecki @joshtpm Careful, this is a slippery slope towards not having children go hungry

2

4

254

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@beardzoid I got $250,000 of it, but will be apologizing shortly via instagram story

1

191

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@cd_hooks Let's just go ahead and call it "one 9/11 per day"

4

26

152

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@tylerkingkade It's like a fun cross between "musical chairs" and "intentionally murdering people"

1

12

147

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

If I was the UCB 4 I'd beg Astronomy Club and Michael Hartney to take the reins in NYC and start a non-profit talent incubator. If I was a famous UCB alum I'd pledge to help that new thing get off the ground.

4

11

118

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Child (due date 7/15/21): "During COVID when you lost your job teaching improv at UCB and you impregnated Mom, were you scared about $$$?" Me: "No! I tweeted my @LinkedIn and the internet got me a new job!" Child: "That was a deeply irresponsible plan."

14

3

104

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

@GOPChairwoman @realDonaldTrump Is this an argument for expanded border security, or an argument that it's working well at current levels? Is this an argument? Also, will Mexico pay for this argument?

8

3

80

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

@CNN How is this even possible, when @JimInhofe was able to make a snowball that one time???

0

2

80

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@DiamondandSilk Yes he also never did anything to me, important evidence

1

0

68

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

One huge issue with masks is that creepy men can't tell if women are smiling or if they need to be told to smile

0

8

77

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

@CBSNews What a fun spin on "imprisoned lioness thinks her cub has been stolen."

2

63

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

@FoxNews @jasoninthehouse @foxnewsnight You mean like when Obama advised him not to hire Michael Flynn, and he did it anyway?

2

4

44

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

So I guess thank you for allowing me to get the unemployment I paid into (though not the sick pay I accrued) and using the $ to help the company survive in a way where I'll no longer have a job? Yes cool

1

0

66

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@ZachWahls All with the same pilot

1

61

Morgan

@Morgan

8 years

If you look in the mirror and say Bloody Mary three times and nothing happens, consider the possibility that you are Bloody Mary.

4

12

49

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

@JacobAWohl @realDonaldTrump Both hands on the keyboard, sir.

1

0

49

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

The timing of the email I just got from UCB paired with a sudden rain storm is too much, thanks

5

0

46

Morgan

@Morgan

9 years

I guess the problem with the Golden Rule is that a lot of people hate themselves?

1

12

42

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

I know normal is still a long way off, but last night I had a dumb nightmare about my status in the NYC improv community and it left me feeling hopeful.

2

0

48

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Our baby is two days late and I just found out that my girlfriend has never heard of the musical Chess, how are things with you

9

0

49

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Was teaching 6 class sessions a week at UCB. Dream job. Hope to have it again some day. Didn't get the email about layoffs, worried that as a teacher I'm in a limbo where my (pending) unemployment claim will be rejected. (Could be so much worse, lucky for so many reasons, etc.)

1

0

42

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@TXAG Is being murdered by the Attorney General illegal in Texas, or no

0

5

45

Morgan

@Morgan

5 years

UCB house improv team auditions this week. Please know that I am rooting for all of you! Unless your name comes between Phillips and Poehler alphabetically.

2

0

43

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

Hey, I thought of an alternate term for #CaravanOfIllegalls : "Huddled masses yearning to breathe free."

1

3

12

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

What if my baby finds out I was never on a weekend team

3

0

45

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

We binged @CallTheMidwife1 during the pandemic, and @kissmeimkeight warned me over and over again that "it won't actually happen that quickly." Late last night she pushed out baby Clementine in approximately half an episode.

5

0

46

Morgan

@Morgan

2 years

Officially engaged to @kissmeimkeight ! Love her so much, and even though neither of us are traditionalists and we'd long-since agreed to spend the rest of our lives together, this feels very nice.

7

0

43

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

All it took for me to finish the rough draft of a novel was losing my job and being forced to stay inside worrying about disease and the imminent end of American democracy!

4

0

45

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@MollyJongFast If Kanye was my family member I'd ask people to please stop interviewing him right now

1

2

35

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Feels gross to mourn a job when so many people have died, but it's been exactly 1 year since I had to tell my in-progress improv 201 class that the UCB Training Center was shutting down immediately. Final day of the best job ever. Not including my current one "tiktok influencer"

2

0

44

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Options

9

1

38

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

You aren't doing a multi-household Thanksgiving, right? You, my friend who is reading this?

8

1

41

Morgan

@Morgan

2 years

The UCB email went to my spam folder, should I move it to the inbox

5

0

38

Morgan

@Morgan

5 years

@EricTrump @TrumpDC I farted in the lobby

3

1

32

Morgan

@Morgan

7 years

@mflynnJR Take your family out to a nice pizza dinner, they deserve it! (Check Yelp for insane, irresponsible sex dungeon conspiracy theories first, obviously!)

0

2

26

Morgan

@Morgan

8 years

That thing where you have to wake up really early but you refuse to go to bed yet because you're angry about the inflexible nature of time.

0

19

34

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Just realized "2022" sounds like "2020 too" and went into the fetal position

0

2

36

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

I guess all you students, teachers and performers threatening to stop working with UCB don't understand that they don't NEED any of you! Even with 100% turnover they'll be able to continue as a brand new, much much shittier organization

0

2

29

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Exactly 5 years since I was bumped up to UCB Harold Night so it's fun timing that I can now publicly announce I've been invited to join everybody's favorite new weekend team None Of This Is A Thing Anymore

2

0

38

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

Squeezed in one last unfriending before the end of Facebook! No, @davidhogg111 using profanity to describe legislators who are scared of the NRA doesn't make him a "bad role model." Go fuck yourself. (With a gun, if that's what you're in to.)

0

1

7

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

I'm a former UCB teacher/performer who was troubled by some serious institutional problems, but rarely spoke up or took concrete action. I'm looking forward to the better thing that comes next, and helping however I can.

1

0

30

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

When the fate of the world depends upon a guy nicknamed "Mad Dog."

WSJ Politics

@WSJPolitics

6 years

Trump’s staff shake-up leaves Jim Mattis in a key role

5

27

39

0

3

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

My girlfriend is 41 weeks pregnant and I think the baby might be waiting for my tiktok about Taco Bell to get 1,000,000 likes (currently at 996,000), how are you doing

1

0

31

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

Hi, I'm pretty sure Trump's rally crowd last night booed the concept of "Hispanics," are we going to talk about that?

0

2

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

The rebranding has gone in an unexpected direction

UCB

@UCBMedia

3 years

0

3

28

4

1

36

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Used to get FOMO from Instagram party pics, now I just get F

0

30

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Congrats to the many #ProudBoys who achieved their first boners tonight

2

31

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

Successfully resisted the urge to point out the factual error in that guy's snarky pop culture fb post, this tweet is my reward. #babysteps

0

2

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

Somebody please convince a Republican billionaire to finance a right wing sketch comedy show starring Dennis Miller, Rob Schneider and Victoria Jackson.

1

0

7

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Apparently today is also the 13th anniversary of me finishing cancer treatment, just as Nostradamus predicted

1

0

30

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

In local news, my dog had another growth spurt and apparently is now tall enough to jump up and punch me in the mouth

3

0

26

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

Chase Bank is a command

0

4

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

When I started cancer treatment 14 years ago the steroids made me go temporarily insane. Fortunately my mother stood up to me and stopped me from inciting racist violence or launching nukes. Thanks, Mom!

1

0

27

Morgan

@Morgan

2 years

I have job alerts for "improv" set up on most of the job sites, and this is one of the very first times something's come up that wasn't an abbreviation for "improvement."

3

0

31

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Maybe my last trip into Manhattan before the baby comes? 1st @DosToros burrito in 16 months. Did not disappoint. Probably shouldn't have swallowed it whole, though.

1

0

24

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Up early to get some extra worrying in

2

0

27

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

The most optimistic thing I've ever done is set up a recurring search for "improv comedy" on LinkedIn

1

0

23

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Recordings of improv shows should be sold as an NFTs. Whoops, I saved comedy.

1

0

27

Morgan

@Morgan

7 years

@chrislhayes March of Dimes is CLEARLY biased (in favor of actually helping people).

0

2

24

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

I actually love watching Bloomberg, it makes me remember what Elizabeth Warren did to him

2

0

30

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

As far as Trump actually going to prison for any of this, I'll believe when I see it and masturbate to it

2

1

24

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

@realDonaldTrump Workers first sounds great! So we're limiting CEO pay? Keeping safety regulations in place? Maybe even guaranteeing affordable health care?

1

0

22

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Apologies in advance, there's a decent chance I'm going to send you a LinkedIn request tomorrow. Don't want to rush into this. Going to sleep on whether or not I want a source of income, then make my decision in the morning.

0

28

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

One of the bravest things I do is continue to use my cellphone during the pre-preview commercials at a movie theater even though they ask you to put your phone away

0

2

3

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Forced sterilization of women in for-profit detention centers seems pretty bad, sorry to get political

0

2

23

Morgan

@Morgan

9 years

Cigar smoking bro sat down next to me. Neck tattoo of a bar code. Pumpkin Converse, matching his shirt. If he is yours, please come get him.

2

7

20

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Proud that I've cut my coffee consumption down to 2-3 bowls per day

0

1

22

Morgan

@Morgan

8 years

Profanity is probably the biggest issue, definitely worth talking about in 2016. #GOPDebate

2

3

21

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

"Attention passengers, we're isolating a car due to unsafe conditions" is a wonderfully vague subway announcement.

0

1

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Qualify for COVID vaccination based on my BMI. Curious how they're going to verify this at the testing site. The universe has an inexhaustible supply of tiny humiliations.

7

0

24

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Obviously there are tons of options, but which countries give the MOST preferential immigration status to American ex-pat longform improv teachers?

1

0

24

Morgan

@Morgan

6 years

@ryanstruyk @NateSilver538 If ending it means "putting Trump in jail immediately" I could also get behind that.

1

0

21

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

As the weather gets worse your friends will suggest indoor gatherings. The way to show people you love them is to help them stay safe. You're not being paranoid, you're being a decent human being.

0

4

24

Morgan

@Morgan

5 years

Abbi & Ilana are NYC comedy community legends now, but many people overlook their contributions to "residual checks coincidentally arriving in my mailbox on a day when I'm stressed about being totally broke."

0

18

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

BUT HOW IS THE STOCK MARKET DOING??????

1

0

22

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Was feeling bad about still being on unemployment, fortunately NY State just made me pay back $2000 via taxes so I feel $2000 less bad

3

0

22

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Nothing makes me want to stay in NYC more than an article about it dying.

1

0

22

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

If #COVID19 destroyed your industry, get creative! For instance I have continued to teach improv, but to my dog

0

22

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@ohJuliatweets Warren supporter, but I'd go for this

0

22

Morgan

@Morgan

8 years

@TPM "She comes across as not being at all authentic." -Mitt Romney, renowned expert on coming across as authentic.

2

11

22

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@joshtpm Anybody who disagrees with this hasn't watched it.

0

1

21

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

When live improv comedy returns I accept that I'll no longer have a teaching job or a house team slot but is there any way I can still get an unlimited supply of energetic young creative people to sponge motivation from vampire-style

1

0

21

Morgan

@Morgan

5 years

As of this fall I’ll have been doing improv for 25 years. My project to celebrate it is even more extravagantly dumb and ill-conceived than my 20-year thing (The 1000 Scenes Project). #notabit

4

0

20

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

I've accidentally been added to a random family's Thanksgiving weekend logistics email, and it has more than 50 recipients. Should I reply all and say I'm so grateful that everyone involved got vaccinated and tested?

3

0

20

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

One year later, an unresolved question I have about UCB NY officially shutting down is "was it truly a coincidence that it happened the day after 4/20"

1

0

21

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

@jennybethm Yay, murder!

1

0

16

Morgan

@Morgan

2 years

When you're desperately single and the ex who broke your heart has done a lot of work on themselves and you tell them you'd love to give it another try and they say "I'm not ready to date anyone yet, but I'll let you know!" and you see them on Bumble

2

1

19

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

If the job you loved no longer exists and you have no idea what you're going to do for a living on the other side of this, have you considered becoming a life coach who tells me what I should do and then everything works out great for me and I don't worry anymore?

1

0

18

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Just throwing this out there, what about a non-profit talent incubator with @abbijacobson and @ilazer as executive directors? #NewUCBNY

1

0

20

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

"We cannot allow volcanoes to become the new 'religion' guiding every policy decision or become the organizing feature of our government." -Mike Pompeiio

Mike Pompeo

@mikepompeo

3 years

We cannot allow climate change to become the new “religion” guiding every policy decision or become the organizing feature of our government.

9K

7K

36K

2

1

18

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

Being @Morgan comes with certain responsibilities

1

2

20

Morgan

@Morgan

8 years

Liberals will always be plagued by infighting, because we're capable of introspection and our worldview won't fit on a hat.

2

0

18

Morgan

@Morgan

5 years

STOP making yourself feel worthless in comparison to others! You're the best YOU there is! Unless there's someone who's identical to you, except... better? If that's the case... honestly not sure what you should do. Sorry! Shouldn't have chimed in. Good luck! This was a bad tweet

2

0

15

Morgan

@Morgan

5 years

Name TBD.

7

0

19

Morgan

@Morgan

5 years

Barring several bizarre twists, tonight at 9:30 is the final Ice Cold Bev show at UCB Harold Night. My heart is heavy, and full.

1

0

19

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years

Sorry to disappoint everybody, but this is all yet another con job. He will "get very sick" and then "die" and then "rise from the dead" and "usher in the Rapture"

1

21

Morgan

@Morgan

3 years

YOU FOOLS, your vision boards WON'T WORK unless you turn them into NFTs. Manifesting Abundance from the Universe requires the certainty of the Blockchain!

2

1

21

Morgan

@Morgan

7 years

@Scaramucci [Gets on bus, bus drives to next bus stop.] I made a mistake in trusting in a bus driver. It won't happen again.

1

14

Morgan

@Morgan

4 years