Josh Weed @The_Weed Twitter profile

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Josh Weed

2 years

A message I want to share with adults who work with #ADHD kids is: pushing them the way that you push neurotypical kids harms them for life. Here’s what I mean. When I start working clinically with an adult who has ADHD, one of the first things we do /1

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

If your #ADHD friend hasn’t been in touch I promise they still love you. They just don’t have object permanence so if something is no longer in front of them their brain loses track of it. Trust me, when you reach out their eyes light up & they are so excited to hear from u!

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(1) I am a gay man who was raised in a heteronormative world. A part of this world I have always been baffled by is "modesty" culture.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

The level trauma of being a neurodivergent person raised in an ableist world is absolutely underestimated. Many of the clients I encounter have levels of trauma that could qualify them for a diagnosis of PTSD. We need to reframe this completely. /1

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

But the most pernicious phrase that tends to wreck kids, and then seems to ruin things past childhood, past college (if that happens) and into their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond, is: “you have SO much potential!” This phrase can be deadly for #ADHD kids and we need to stop. /5

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

But when the phrase “you have so much potential!” is used with a kid with #ADHD , whether intended or not, it is most often an ablist, micro-aggressive dig at their disability that tells the child that they should be striving for things that are actually impossible. /7

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

One of the more surprising things I’ve learned in my years as a marriage and family therapist is that pets are more than just “man’s best friend”—most families see them as *actual* members of the family system. The thing that finally made me see it clearly was grief. (1)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

As you can imagine, this is really sad stuff. Bright kids who were called lazy because they literally *could not* complete tasks the way teachers/parents wanted; hyperactive kids longingly watching their peers run and jump at recess while they sat staring at a math worksheet; /3

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Worse stuff too—kids *abused* for not finishing chores or not getting A’s or forgetting—all while their brain will *literally* not let them—which creates this horrific feedback loop: fear causes more forgetting, which brings harsher punishment, causing more fear, and on and on /4

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And the kid… that poor #ADHD kid is SO confused. Because they DO love the sport or skill or interest and they really DO love the adult and want to please them. And they didn’t. Over and over. So they really MUST just be lazy. Or unmotivated. Or careless. Or inconsiderate. /13

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

What you get is an adult who actually believes they’re lazy and good for nothing. What you get is an adult who’s deeply depressed and unable to like any part of themselves, who has no idea the real truth that’s been their all along: They have an ADA-recognized disability. /15

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

is we start to map out their trauma history. And I don’t mean non-adjacent childhood traumas (which are also relevant, but we get to those later) I mean their #ADHD -specific, childhood-based traumas that result from having ADHD while growing up in an ableist society. /2

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And then when the kid with #ADHD tries with ALL THEIR MIGHT to bridge the gap (examples below) to please the adult—to “meet their potential” in other words—they fail. Predictably. Naturally. And tragically. And the adult is disappointed in them. /8

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And now take that, and multiply it by every school year, by every class, by every teacher that sees something in them, by every unmet goal or hope or dream, year after year, situation after situation, disappointment after disappointment. What you get is an adult in despair. /14

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Here’s why. When the phrase “you have so much potential” is shared with a neurotypical kid, it is a message of hope. It’s an adult seeing a child who has the capacity to do great things if they follow certain steps and make certain choices. It’s nurturing. It’s lovely! /6

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And THEN the adult starts providing lots of ideas that help neurotypical folks saying “you can meet your potential if you just use these tools!” (Alarms, planners, apps, schedules, reminders, whatever.) And the kid has hope, and tries AGAIN. And fails AGAIN. And at this point /10

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

The adult is exasperated and doesn’t understand why their “help” as a teacher or parent or counselor isn’t working. And the kid doesn’t understand either. And that’s when other horrible messages really take hold. Like “lazy” and “messy” and “unmotivated” and “disobedient.” /11

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And the problem is, it doesn’t stop there. Because at that point, often the adult is invested, and the adult’s ego is also on the line. So they say “okay, try again! Don’t give up! You can do it!” And the kid tries harder. And fails again. And again. And again. /9

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

4 years

(1) I am a gay man who was raised in a heteronormative world. A part of this world I have always been baffled by is "modesty" culture.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And the adult actually believes those labels because the adult really *could* see “potential” (like high IQ, or amazing musical aptitude, or incredible athletic ability) and now really believes the kid must just not *want* to get to rehearsal in time (or whatever) /12

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(8) Newsflash: women's worth is STATIC. It is inviolable. It doesn't change with what she does or doesn't wear. It doesn't change with sex.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

1 year

Something I learned after my mom died to soon (of early onset alzheimer’s): When it comes to getting footage of your family on video as a parent, it’s *way* more important to record YOURSELF than to record your kids. Here’s why: (/1)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Adults who use the phrase “you have so much potential!” with kids that have #ADHD and are exhibiting normal symptoms of the disorder are hurting those kids. The way to know for sure is to notice what’s next. If it’s any kind of “but” this is not encouragement. It’s harm. /16

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Find out what interests them, what gets the dopamine flowing in their brain, and then celebrate their victories as they follow those interests with abandon, even if doing so doesn’t line up with standard educational conventions or milestones. /28

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Trust your #ADHD kid or student. Trust that their brain is taking them where they need to go even if it makes you nervous. And when they have a stroke of insight or inspiration, foster it with them and watch what they create or become. /29

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

I could go on and on with these (I have plenty from my own life) but the point is: if you are an adult who is frustrated by a kid with high aptitude and low performance, and it turns out they have #ADHD it is *critical* to frame the conversation differently. /26

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(18) Straight men blaming women for their own sexual responses degrades women. And it disempowers men. It excuses them from taking ownership

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Instead of focusing on “you got a 3.8, but if you just applied yourself you could have a 4.0 cuz you’re so smart…” thus setting an unreachable standard, let them know they are awesome exactly where they are, with exactly what they have done. Tell them they’re perfect as is. /27

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

with tests (all A’s) and assignments (mostly missing) combined, Shannon is getting a C. Her teacher pulls her aside and asks why she is so behind on homework. Shannon looks confused and horrified. She says “I don’t know” and says she tries to remember but forgets. /18

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(17) And a man's arousal is HIS OWN DAMN RESPONSIBILITY. It is NOT the responsibility of the body that evoke's that arousal. Ever.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(9) And a man's sexuality is HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Let me give you some examples so you can see it more clearly. Let’s say Shannon (12) tests in the 99th percentile for math, but inexplicably does not do her homework, and when she occasionally does, it is riddled with errors. Her teacher is putting together grades and notices /17

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(16) A person's worth is static, inviolable, and begins the day they are born as a baby until the day they die. Clothes do not change this.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

ETA: some folks with #ADHD have pointed out that calling it a “superpower” is problematic and they’re correct. This disability doesn’t have to have some magical quality to be okay, and people experiencing it are ALL valid with or without ableist success markers (like income).

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Shannon’s teacher is confused by this situation. Shannon is very quiet in class, has no behavior problems, and is willing to participate when asked. She obviously understands the material, but seems unmotivated to do homework like her peers. It strikes Shannon’s teacher /19

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

how unfair it is that some kids do ALL the homework possible and even extra and then don’t score as well as Shannon on tests. Surely someone as gifted as Shannon should be willing to do the small effort of doing the assignments in order to get an A. It seems to the teacher /20

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And then when we do the math, it turns out the kid is *already earning* more than most college graduates by spending hours and hours selling art on etsy or making cringe YouTube collages or whatever else their interest and inspiration has taken them. /31

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

that Shannon must not really care about school, and the carelessness on the assignments she does turn in makes the teacher think Shannon doesn’t appreciate this class. This leads the teacher to say “Shannon, you have SO much potential! You are doing better than most /21

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

At that, Bill’s mother calls him lazy and says “if you don’t get your homework done you’re grounded.” Bill tries, but can’t get himself to do it and has no idea why. Eventually he accepts his fate as a disappointing kid who just likes being lazy. /25

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

I cannot tell you the number of #ADHD kids I’ve worked with whose parents were TERRIFIED they might not graduate high school cuz they were “wasting all their time online” doing some hobby, and when I asked “and how much money are they making with their online hobby?” /30

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

about old wars as you would on your assignments you would easily get an A!” But anytime Bill tries to study for English, he just finds himself sucked back to Wikipedia, and he has no idea why. When his mom asks, he shrugs and doesn’t know what to say. /24

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

of your peers on tests. But your assignments need to be turned in, and they need to be less sloppy. If you would just take the time to finish your work you would be one of my most successful students!” Bill struggles in his English class. His mom can’t understand why /22

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(10) Wanna known I know this? It's because in my whole life I have never told another man how to dress even though a man's body arouses me.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

when basically all he does is read books about military operations throughout history, he has a great vocabulary, and loves to write fiction about his favorite battles. “Bill you have so much potential! In fact, if you would spend *half* the time you spend obsessing /23

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(2) The main premise of "modesty" culture is that women need to dress in a way that doesn't provoke sexual response in men. Which is insane.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

But it’s not always like that—sometimes a kid needs more time than that before they become wildly successful as they follow their internal compass. But Just remember that the path for an ADHD person is almost always unusual and unconventional and a bit scary. /32

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(14) And guess what? Even though I have felt aroused, I have never EVER blamed another man for that arousal. My arousal is about ME.Not him.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(4) makes me feel aroused. And that arousal is strong and I haven't learned how to appropriately manage it. So please change your clothes."

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(19) of their own bodies. And it allows them to build fury towards what they covet. It's dangerous. It leads to assault. It IS rape culture.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(21) And they deserve to relish knowing that they are valuable no matter WHAT they wear. (You know, the same message men get from birth on!)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

But when they are believed in and supported in their abilities instead of seen only as valid with how much “potential” they have of being like their neurotypical peers, #ADHD kids end up finding the COOLEST paths to the most UNEXPECTED places, and they often make $ easily. /33

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(5) This is BONKERS. Especially when men then start to claim that a woman is *worth* more if they dress a certain way. As if covering flesh

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(15) I have never assualted another man for this. I have never raped another man for this. I have never claimed a man was "asking for it."

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(20) My four daughters deserve better than this. They deserve to be safe. They deserve to wear what feels good to them on a summer day.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(3) I think it is absolutely crazy that a man can look at a woman and say "I think you should wear something else, because seeing your skin

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(7) man has the right to chastise a woman, call her names, say she is slutty and wicked. All because *he* is having a sexual response!

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(11) I have never told a man he should put his shirt on on a hot day when he is on a summer run. I have never demanded modesty from a guy.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

I had more to say, but honestly my own hyperfocus just lost steam and I need to move on with my day (as a private business owner who’s made over six figures for years, who got where I am unconventionally cuz I have #ADHD and it is a superpower, and it is for your kid too!) /34

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

Our doggies and our kitties (etc) actually *are* members of our family. Not just in a cutesy, fun, meme-worthy way. In an actual, stability-providing, ventral-vagal-secure, attachment enhancing way that I think we need to do better as at acknowledging as a society. (5)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(6) somehow earns a woman value, all because it doesn't evoke a sexual response in men. And then, if a woman DOESN'T do this? Well now a

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

If you have #adhd this is your reminder that you’ve experienced a lifetime of actual traumas (which are now c/ptsd) and THAT is why you avoid emails and appointments and chores and homework and anything that might disappoint people. It’s not because you’re lazy. It’s trauma.❤️

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(13) In fact, I have had, my entire life, been in situations where men take ALL THEIR CLOTHES OFF RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME (locker rooms, etc.).

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

(12) I have never expected men to stop wearing loose basketball shorts just because they might be revealing to me and turn me on.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

The following is a MAJOR misconception parents/adults have about kids with #ADHD Adult: I know this kid really well, and you’re wrong about them. It’s not just that ADHD won’t let them do what they’re asked. That’s just an excuse. They’re actually *choosing* not to. Me: Oh?/1

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Part of the problem is that the way adults respond to symptoms of #ADHD (and other neurodivergence) in kids they are in charge of is perceived by NT people as “appropriate,” while being experienced in the mind and body of the kid with #ADHD as physical or emotional abuse. /2

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

1. Isolation communicates unworthiness and badness to humans. So the child perceives themselves as “bad” 2. The child perceives themselves as having no willpower, or less willpower than peers. “Everyone ELSE got it done! Why didn’t you?” 3. The child perceives themselves as /8

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

My little sister died two days ago. She was diagnosed with stage IV bile duct cancer on December 30th. She was 35. I have no idea how to process this grief.

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

to prioritize your time better.” Only the kid never “learns” how to “prioritize time” better, and so it happens again and again and again. Think of the inherent messages here. This VERY common intervention communicates several horrifying things to the #ADHD student: /7

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And sometimes it actually *is* physical and emotional abuse. Sometimes it is an adult physically containing or even assaulting a child for out-of-control or boisterous behavior. To many, this looks like “appropriate discipline.” To the ND child, it is experienced as abuse, /3

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Can you imagine how a child’s brain and body *perceives* events like that? To be the only one kept inside in order to finish a worksheet, and everyone else got it done easily, and it happens over and over, and the kid is told things like “you will go outside when you learn /6

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

The emotional abuse component of this happens often in educational settings. I myself was kept in for recess “for not finishing my worksheet” so often it became a natural component of my school experience. I was often the only kid kept inside. /5

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

4. The child perceives that they just don’t CARE about important things. 5. when it happens over and over, they start to believe that they just *like* being “bad” 6. The child believes they must be lazy. 7. The child starts to believe they don’t *deserve* to be treated /10

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

less intelligent than their peers, even when standardized tests indicate otherwise. (When I was accepted into a “gifted” program after 6th grade—after being kicked out in 1st grade, btw—I had difficulty even believing the test was correct. I thought there had been a mistake.) /9

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

3 years

Why does our nation not have better childcare options? Because we rely on women’s free labor Why do we not have paid paternal/maternal care? Because we rely on women’s free labor Why are the numbers around postpartum depression so high? Because we rely on women’s free labor

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

and to add confusion, this act that their body perceived as abuse is experienced often in a public setting where nobody intervenes, because the people around the situation are having a “that kid had it coming” type of sensation. So the #adhd kid believes they deserved it. /4

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

I have seen pets be absolutely LIFE-CHANGING for clients who, for reasons of trauma or neurodivergence, did not have robust social or family networks as they tried to do therapeutic work. (6)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

1 year

I have tons of footage of me and my siblings growing up—hours of concerts, assemblies, sports and Christmas mornings. And while that’s nice, I would absolutely kill for just one video of my mom that lasts more than 3 seconds and doesn’t involve her shooing the camera away. (/2)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

Because in every way that matters to our mammal bodies: PETS ARE FAMILY. 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👨‍👩‍👧‍👦👩‍👧‍👦👩‍👦🐈‍⬛🐕🐈🐕‍🦺🦮🐩🐖(21)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

I have seen pets serve as the ONLY local family some folks have—as the only stable and consistent connections some clients experience in their home-base of nervous-system safety. And clinically? It *actually works*, at least anecdotally in my experience (7)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

Time after time I’d be bopping along helping a family (or individual) with transitions or communication or whatever else, and a pet would pass and the work STOPPED. Like, full halt, unable to move forward, capital T trauma kind of stop. The grief was too REAL. (2)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

any trauma victim would: Shutting down, closing off, going inward, developing a heightened fawn response to appease abusers, high startle reflex, constant hyper-arousal and perpetual state of fight or flight Essentially—the same cluster that can be described as PTSD /22

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

and when sometimes the death of a pet affected clients just like (in intensity and effect) the loss of primary family members, it finally became clear what should have been obvious all along: our mammalian attachment to our pets FEELS like family bond attachments to many us. (4)

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Desperation, with fight or flight chemicals, with horror, with defeat. This, my friends, is Trauma with a capital T. And imagine this kind of thing happening over and over and over. What do you think the mind and body does in this environment? /20

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

the same way their peers are treated. They believe they don’t deserve recess, or the candy the other kids “earned”, or whatever other reward or good thing they miss out on because #ADHD prevents them from finishing tasks in the same way as their peers. Now imagine this /11

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Only these individuals have NO IDEA their bodies are exhibiting PTSD-like symptoms. They often don’t even realize they are trauma victims. They have all the symptoms: depression, nightmares, trigger responses, etc but because of how it was all framed, they think THEY /23

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And their teacher says gets angry and says “stop. Just stop. I’m so tired of your excuses. Automatic zero. I will not accept another late project from you. I’ve given you enough chances.” Imagine the horror. The deflation. The way their whole body would be filled with /19

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

proudly and confidently walk into class knowing they had *finally* done something right, and it had finally worked. And then imagine their utter horror when, as everyone starts passing in their work, they open their bag and their stomach drops. They left it at home. It is /16

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

as this plays out over time. Imagine this happening all year one year, and then it happening again the next year. Imagine this child being called out and embarrassed over and over, in front of their peers, for not having homework done or for moving too much or /12

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

or for talking to a friend or for not hearing the question the teacher asked or for forgetting to get the permission slip signed. All of those things are *literal* textbook examples of #ADHD . But imagine how it is perceived when framed in this context. /13

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Naturally, understandably, it starts to treat moments like this the way the mind and body treats any trauma. The kid will learn to dissociate. To leave the horror of that moment. To escape the overwhelming discomfort. The body/mind will protect itself in the same ways /21

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

First, I think it’s hilarious and fitting that I ended the thread in a totally problematic and kinda cheap way cuz the dopamine went ALL THE WAY BYE BYE and I didn’t know how to wrap up so I was just kinda like “I’m awesome you’re awesome bye now!!!!” and fuckin’ bailed 😂 /2

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Some of us are “conventionally successful” in ways you can put on a resume. Some of us are “unconventionally successful” in ways that make a good story at a party. And some of us are so traumatized by all of this that we are unable to work at all and we are struggling. /7

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

And that thing is: if you have #ADHD it literally DOES NOT MATTER what you have accomplished, what you have made, what you have become, on any level, in any way. YOU ARE VALID exactly as you are in this moment. /5

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

Imagine a kid not being allowed to go on a field trip they’d looked forward to all year, or to a read-a-thon or to a class party they had genuinely tried as hard as they could to earn their spot in because they didn’t “get done” that which their brain disallowed. /14

4

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

are the problem. They think THEY are the fuck-up. All of the PTSD and trauma symptoms end up getting wrapped up into the same ball of perceived failure that their #ADHD symptoms got lumped into. They are unable to function, to work, to thrive, to maintain relationships /24

3

84

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

Our world expects pet owners to cry a few sad tears, share a social media post and then rebound right back into life as if what was lost was a stuffy or a family heirloom or a toy—something sad to lose, but replaceable. (12)

11

101

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

2 years

not clear where it is because they remember taking it from the printer. They look in their bag one last time to see if it’s there. It’s not. They have no idea where it is. (Later they learn they left it on the kitchen counter as they grabbed their lunch.) /17

1

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

7 years

I wanna stay connected with as many of you awesome humans as possible! If interested, follow me, like this twt, and I'll follow back.

17

40

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

I’ve seen clients who feel totally isolated be able to move into a state of stable and secure attachment with a pet— this allows their nervous system to continue exploring broader connections as they shift the internal narrative of their world as one of danger to one of safety(8)

1

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Josh Weed

@The_Weed

11 months

We grieve a pet by: working through denial; commemoration; building loving symbols/monuments; lots of crying and distress and even anger as we seek acceptance; talking about our loved one/telling stories; tender and gentle rest. Only, our world doesn’t accommodate this (11)

3

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