Andrew @TamingMyImpala Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

Crazy how every time women give us blowjobs, they are in the perfect position to bite our dicks off (and it would be deserved). Yet they never do. For this reason alone, I would like to nominate All Women for the Nobel Peace Prize

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

This says a lot about society

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@TamingMyImpala

4 years

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Fellas you ever smell a certain brand of perfume in public and it reminds you of the girl you flung with for 3 months back during your senior year of high school and then you get all emotional so on your drive home you put "Somebody Else" by The 1975 on repeat and when you get ho

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Fuck your zodiac sign, what do you think killed the hikers at Dyatlov Pass in Siberia on January 30th, 1959

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

The year is 2009. You're laying in bed sick with the swine flu. Your parents' house is on the verge of being foreclosed on. I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas is playing on the radio

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

Reply to this tweet and I will tell you if you are an Elkay LZS8WSLK or an Elkay LZSDL8LC

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

What is something you can say both during sex and while the EMS workers are dragging your half-conscious body out of Jo Ann Fabrics because you snorted too much ketamine in the store restroom

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Choose your post break-up fighter: 1.) gets in a new relationship immediately 2.) won't leave their ex alone 3.) joins a pyramid scheme 4.) develops amphetamine habit 5.) obnoxious inflated social media presence 6.) moves to a different city

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

So happy I made my ex my header haha! (My header is a picture of a clown, you don't have to go and look though, I'll take my like and retweet now okay thanks)

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Picture this: You live in Iowa. You grow corn. Your entire life revolves around corn. Your 18 year old son Shelburt tells you he wants to go to college instead of grow corn. You beat him with a rake as punishment

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

Going on a first date tonight with a beautiful woman. What should I bring up first, the stock market or the Joe Rogan podcast?

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Just took a hit of CBD and ate a flintstone's gummy vitamin, I can't feel my body and I'm pretty sure I can see god

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

19 years 3 girlfriends 1 tattoo 2 viral tweets 7 times I've snorted Ketamine in the bathroom at JoAnne Fabrics and had to be carried out by the police 3 times I've punched a hole in my drywall because mom wouldn't let me listen to Eminem after midnight 4 monster energy hoodies

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

That one guy at every college Halloween party who dresses up as a priest and posts an Instagram photo with the caption, "They usually call me Daddy but tonight, they call me Father"

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Accidentally flipped my Maslow's hierarchy of needs and now I can't go out and hunt for food because I'm busy searching for love and belonging

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Me on shrooms, My friend's trying to explain labradoodle why MGMT is the greatest band of our generation

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

You're not battling demons bro, you were just really good at sports in high school and developed a superiority complex because of it and now that we're adults and that doesn't matter anymore, you feel an emptiness inside than you try to fill with cheap liquor and PS4

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

People without depression be like "I'm gonna wake up promptly at 7am and take my Labrador, Ruffles for a walk in the neighborhood, then I'm gonna eat a healthy breakfast of Quaker Oats and show up on time for office job"

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

When a girl I'm with makes a joke about The Office but it's been 3 months since I've had sex

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Picture this: You're 27 years old. You're celebrating your one-month anniversary with your 18 year old girlfriend, Kayleigh. You give her your monster energy sweatshirt to keep her warm. Her dad threatens to beat the absolute shit out of you

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

this guy beats you up and steals your girl, wyd

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Juuling is disgusting and I can't believe people willingly put those chemicals in their bodies and also while I'm here, does anyone have any coke?

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

The new five branches of the military: 1.) Pyramid Schemers 2.) Horse Girls 3.) Barbecue Dads 4.) Dudes named Bradley who drive Ford F-150's 5.) Racist Uncles (will be stationed alongside the bbq dads)

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Me: h- J.K. Rowling- The Sorting Hat had an intense Ketamine addiction

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Sex? No thanks. If I wanted to feel like I was on top of the world for 6 minutes and then feel like complete trash after, I would just rail a line of coke

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

School is pointless❗️ I mean... English- We speak it Math - We have calculators History - They're all dead, who cares🤷🏼‍♂️ Philosophy - We have Joe Rogan Science - We have Joe Rogan Psychology - We have Joe Rogan Sociology - We have Joe Rogan Health & Fitness - We have Joe Rogan

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Me and my fwb are about to have a "What are we?" reveal party and you're all invited

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

the next time you're craving drugs or alcohol, just eat a warm bagel

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

If you're feeling down about yourself today, just remember that 2.5 million people are currently paying for Tinder Gold.

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Daughter: Dad why is my name Lily Me: because your mother loves Lillies, dear Ketamine: Hey dad, how'd I get my name?

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

Me when my tweets aren’t hitting

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

You’re allowed to take hard drugs if you eat your vegetables and do Pilates I’ve decided

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Is your child texting about being 5'9? Here's a quick guide: WLMBI59: Women love me because I'm 5'9 AMHFTW - Average male height, for the win MWA59HTBD - Men who are 5'9 have the biggest dicks GO6FAS - Guys over 6 ft are stupid

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Tiers of being a frat boy: Tier 1 - idolizing Dan Bilzerian Tier 2 - spending your parents' money on Vineyard Vines Tier 3 - not knowing where the clit is God tier - standing on a countertop a party yelling the lyrics to Mr. Brightside to impress Becky from Alpha Phi

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Love is weird man you just pick a human being and decide that's the person you want to rub your back and comfort you while you drunkenly puke into an Arby's takeout bag in the backseat of your car at 2am

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

Maybe she’s just working a 4,296 hour shift

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

POV you’re dragging behind the rest of the group and I’m the only one who waited up for you

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Your crush is having sex with someone else while you sit in a Wendy's parking lot in your Honda Civic at 12am with a bag full of food that you're not even sure if you're gonna eat, wondering where everything went wrong

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

I like to think that God waiting until I was 22 to make me hot was my reward for not killing myself when i was 19

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Oh you like adderall? Write me a comprehensive list of every meal you've ever skipped in the name of productivity

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Liking small boobs is the new counterculture. Liking small boobs is the new punk rock. Get over it

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

It's so neat how men wear Vineyard Vines to advertise straight up that they've never made a girl cum before

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Gender neutral names to call your friends: -Bucko -Pal -Friend -Buddy -Corn Dawg -Spaghetti Eddy -Shelburt -*THX noise* -Emily.jpg -Chris Christie

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

I would say the most plausible explanations are Katabatic Winds (the same thing that killed a group of skiers in Sweden many years later) or the Soviet Military testing the effects of Infrasound. But even then, that doesn't explain the radiation

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Ideal first date: I pick you up in a 2002 Honda Civic. We sit in a McDonald's parking lot juuling with the windows up while Headstrong by Trapt plays on repeat. Not one word is spoken to eachother the whole night. I drop you off and your dad beats me up

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Cocaine? No thanks. If i wanted to feel like I was on top of the world for 6 minutes and then feel like complete trash after, I would just have sex

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Every Walmart has a Subway inside of it but not every Subway has a Walmart inside of it. This needs to be addressed

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Yo who the fuck's hand is he holding?

Justin Trudeau

@JustinTrudeau

5 years

Today we marched for our planet, for our kids, and for their future. #ClimateAction #ChooseForward

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

Spent my whole paycheck on adderall, call that a stimulants check

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

Stealing from Walmart is too easy when you’re wearing scrubs. Nobody expects that kind of tomfoolery from a strapping young healthcare hero like me

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

If you dating an indie boy, you're single to me. The fuck is Chris gonna do, introduce me to Vampire Weekend and use me as a therapist?

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

@mrmatthouse

Dyatlov Pass incident - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Tiers of whiteness: l -Eating egg salad sandwiches ll - Clapping when the plane lands lll - living in Maine God tier - saying the word "shenanigans"

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

I didn't see any "Be sure to leave out milk and cookies for Snoop Dogg" jokes during my scroll last night so thank you guys for behaving yourselves

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

DM me if you're tryna be like this

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

When the funny twitter lady tweets about iced coffee and having depression for the fourth time this week

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Day 112 without sex, I can feel myself slowly becoming a libertarian

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

So is everyone who won class clown in high school now on antidepressants?

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

I haven't had sex in over 3 months you have no idea how dangerously close I am to buying a big truck

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Imagine a world where only 20% of people poop and the remaining 80% don't. The 20% would get bullied so hard and they'd have to make a dating site called "PoopersMeetdotcom" and pretty soon as the bullying gets worse they'd have to post anti-pooping stigma ads all over town and t

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

The pro-life Republican Party will surely support these findings, right?

Anton Pearce

@Anton_Pearce

5 years

Higher Minimum Wage May Result in Fewer Suicide Deaths, Study Finds

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Today's fit

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

People will refuse to do cocaine because it’s “gross” and “unhealthy” but then go and eat at ... Mc-🤢 McDo-🤢🤢McDonald’s🤮🤮🤮

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

“People will do _____ instead of going to therapy🤣😂” Someone who probably does not understand how the United States mental healthcare system works

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

our waitress was giving us a attitude and my 9 year old sister said "there is no way Jeffrey Epstein could have possibly killed himself given his prison conditions.” LMAOOO

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

So you're telling me that I can transcribe whatever witty/nonconventional thoughts i have into a comedy friendly blurb of 280 characters and post them to an app for hundreds of thousands of people to see and all it costs is the slow deterioration of my brain's rewards system?

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

@CMRabbitt96

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Okay yeah Area 51 is mysterious and crazy or whatever but has anybody truthfully found out what the fuck goes on in Hartford, Connecticut

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Ordering a Spotify Wrap at subway

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Why would anyone drink coffee and stain their teeth when they could just take adderall XR and forget to brush their teeth all together but it's okay because it kills your appetite too so you don't even need to brush your teeth and also your ability to sleep and write coherent twe

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Inside of you are two wolves. They're eating your guts why the fuck did you swallow wolves you idiot you're gonna die

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

I don’t do promotions but while you’re here, rate my dinner

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

"I don't mind gay people as long as they don't hit on me"

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

I'm not even 20. What's your excuse?

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

@Baileymoon15 I’m not a virgin and I’m not gay, I’ve had SEX with WOMEN who have BOOBS

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

Need her.

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

Those Food Stamps Would Be Lost Forever!😂😂😂

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Fellas you ever accidentally wash your face using the same rag that your girl used to wipe your cum off her stomach

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

I have approximately 27 minutes of mania left, who wants to help me open a bowling alley

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

4 years

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

I am at a college party with very beautiful people (tweet is already epic) and they are playing the song "Crowd Pleaser" by Raymond Shremurd. Amazing song! Makes the student loan debt all worth it

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Any fella can hold the door open for a lady but only a true gentleman will hold her hair back for her while she rails a line of Ketamine off the bathroom sink at JoAnne Fabrics

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

My wife's boyfriend took my TV away because he caught me watching Family Guy after he made it very clear that I'm not allowed to watch shows with swear words in them

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

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@TamingMyImpala

6 years

Today I parked my Honda Civic right next to a dude who was also driving a Honda Civic so naturally we immediately got out and started vigorously making out

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Me trying to explain My number the 30-50 feral neighbor hogs meme

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Yo does anyone wanna come over, we're gonna prank call McDonald's and ask if they serve pizza it's gonna be fucking epic

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

3 years

If she has a Roth IRA that’s a red flag. I could never date someone who thinks we’ll still be alive in 2060

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Yes, I still have an iPhone 5c. Yes, I have chlamydia. Yes, we exist

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Alcohol kills bacteria so getting blackout drunk technically counts as giving your body a shower

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Conservative men will try to make a joke and then when nobody laughs they'll say "Oh I'm SoRrY, Did I oFfEnD YoU" like no Bradley you just fucking suck at being funny there's a difference

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

@Keally22 Another way to relieve anxiety is to hold onto ice cubes. It works very well when you have marijuana-induced paranoia or if you're just anxious in general. Hold as long as you can and switch hands frequently

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

Yes I delete tweets because I was a different person 5 minutes ago. And I'll be a different person 5 minutes from now. I have no stable sense of identity please help

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala

5 years

When Justin Bieber was quarantined in 1946 for the Spanish Flu, he wrote Hotel California No pressure

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Andrew

@TamingMyImpala