I'm now so obsessed with Bercow saying "Mr Peter Bone" that I've spent a period of time setting it to the opening of Beethoven's 5th. Brexit is literally driving me mad.
In my replies today, a number of people have expressed their delight at Bercow saying the name "Bambos Charalambous", which of course prompts me to do the following, which probably won't last on here longer than 2 minutes but it's worth a crack.
A friend has alerted me via email to the "singular conducting style" of Dutch baroque specialist Pieter Jan Leusink. I have made a short compilation for ease of sharing on social media platforms. Pure joy.
Might be an idea for us to post pictures of plentifully stocked shelves whenever we see them, in the vain hope that they reach a wider audience and stop people being ludicrous twats.
I would be a terrible pub quiz host, but I do have ONE round up my sleeve similar to the below, which I post herewith for other people to steal and use.
Today will be spent trying to parent a child in a way that doesn’t lead, twenty years later, to him travelling 200 miles to loot a Greggs and punch a police officer because he’s terrified of people who look a bit different to him. How difficult can it be? Time will tell I guess
In lieu of a fully fledged
#duvetknowitschristmas
, I've spent today compiling the all-time top 100 from the last 10 years. It's done. You can't buy your way into it. The reverse countdown will begin at 8.20pm GMT on Thursday. One posted every minute. Number 1 announced at 10pm.
It’s Christmas Eve, which means only one thing. Well, no, it means several things, but one of the things it means is Duvet Know It’s Christmas, aka
#duvetknowitschristmas
. 1/
(1/4) Ten weeks ago I said on here that I’d started writing a disco concept album about Brexit. Unbelievably, I wasn’t joking. Even more unbelievably, it’s finished, and it’s released today. You can buy it or listen to it via – but here’s a trailer:
This has to be my favourite question in the “Get Ready For Brexit” questionnaire. “No, i wish to spend every minute of the rest of my life in my home, in the dark, eating dust.”
Five years ago today, the magnificent Neil Bailey - sadly no longer with us - created a gigantic Stone Hinge and erected it in a field behind his house in time for the solstice. We salute you, Neil ♥️
The world is in turmoil. But on the plus side, a young lad at the Oval just caught a ball in the crowd, won £1000 and hugged his mum in celebration. ♥️
Hey! Ten years ago I tweeted this, in the dead of night.
Now, a decade on, I'm sitting at my laptop on Xmas Eve, prevented from watching Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito in "Twins" on ITV4, because of
#duvetknowitschristmas
. What a weird world.
Hey! Is everyone looking forward to sleeping in their own beds for a change? Nah, me neither. Millions of us who relish our families' unique attempts at Christmas hospitality are really missing it right now.
#duvetknowitschristmas
[preamble 1/9]
I remain SO annoyed by this. I’ve done a GOVERNMENT speed awareness course where the rationale of 20mph limits is patiently explained, and everyone nods and understands, but Sunak is the absolute wanker at the back of the room shouting “what about my rights as a motorist”. 😡
A collared dove sits on our chimney and coos down into the living room. This morning I have ascertained a) that he/she coos in 5/4 time, and b) at exactly the same speed as the classic recording by The Dave Brubeck Quartet.
I remember being completely enchanted by the internet in 1994, but now it’s 2018 and everyone is arguing and I’m being relentlessly pursued by an advert for a pair of slippers I bought two months ago.
Our 8-week old son valiantly took his first round of jabs this morning, and right afterwards, I swear to god, he turned to me, and choking back the tears he mouthed the words “thank you, science”
Dunno if anyone fancies a Bank Holiday Monday music lesson, but here's how the easiest of piano pieces can be magically transformed into a classic UK No. 1 record:
When I was about 12 I learned to say the alphabet backwards really fast. It’s a skill I have somehow retained, but never get to use. Until yesterday lunchtime, when I blew the mind of a 4-year old girl with an impromptu performance. My partner was also impressed. What a weekend.
We’re doomed to get nul points regardless of the song choice, although I gotta say that if this were the cast of Ru Paul’s Drag Race UK performing “UK Hun?” we’d have smashed it.
#Eurovision
Over dinner my girlfriend recalled the idiots at her school who couldn’t sing the hymn “Sing Hosanna to the king” without incorrectly adding a feeble “of kings” at the end of the refrain. “Same at my school,” I said. It was probably the same everywhere.
As the final whistle blew, my six-month old son turned to me and said “Daddy, this perhaps exemplifies the centuries-old rivalry that has existed on the Iberian peninsula,” and I could only smile and nod.
Currently sedating myself by listening to multiple international versions of what we know in the UK as "Autoglass repair, Autoglass replace". Enjoying the scant regard paid by The Netherlands to the brief they were given.
I used to run a Twitter account which collected examples of British citizens describing their experiences of British earthquakes to British news organisations. I dunno why I stopped, because they're always magnificent.
It's possible that Gregg Wallace will never stop trending. That one article will just keep being shared and reshared, and eventually consume the entirety of social media. That's all we'll ever see, for ever. Gregg's eternal Saturday.
On one end of the spectrum we have Rowan, completely carefree, giving barely a shit about getting through to next week. On the other we have Dave, who looks perfectly prepared to stab a rival and cram them into a freezer compartment to eliminate them.
#GBBO
For those asking, I'll be hopping on board the
#duvetknowitschristmas
train at 7.45pm or so, depending on when Ivor (nearly 2, now) goes to sleep. We'll be raising money for Centrepoint:
Went into the supermarket just now feeling haggard and elderly. Night Fever came on the instore speakers and suddenly I was sashaying down the canned vegetables aisle, snapping my fingers. A woman came round the corner doing disco moves. Left the building feeling elated. 🕺🏻
3: The way it usually works is that people send me pictures of their Xmas sleeping arrangements and unusual domestic situations. I retweet the best ones, I gain 5,000 followers over the course of the evening and spend the next three months slowly losing all 5,000.
I’ve had the shock of my life. Sister Sledge don’t sing “I wonder why / He’s the greatest dancer”. The lyrics are, apparently, “Oh what, wow, he’s the greatest dancer”.
On reflection, of course, “Oh what, wow” makes a whole heap more sense than “I wonder why”. Morning!
I guess I should come up with a name for these musical videos and a snazzy title screen, but for now, it's just another 2-minute-ish peek under the bonnet of a UK number 1 single. 👻
This bit of Advice For Freelancers was given to me by a pal a couple of years ago. I still haven’t enacted it, but you may wish to. You could create a whole imaginary business with various departments headed by shrill, angry advocates, all willing to say things you wouldn’t.
Just watched Hunt For The Wilderpeople on Film4. I didn’t even know about this film. Completely adorable in every way. I feel uplifted and confident of sweet dreams.
OK, the Marsdens have already run out of conversation, so I'll get cracking. First, some housekeeping:
1: This is the 7th year I’ve done this (see attached image) and I can barely believe there are any thrilling new examples of decor or objets to be shared. But there usually is.
Despite the extraordinary lengths Elon Musk is going to in order to make this place a total shithole, it does show resilience and is still capable of producing moments of beauty.
Rather than pay any attention to Elon Musk, I’m paying attention to Ivor, who just attended his first fancy dress party. He went as a daffodil and played a strong game, thanks to his mum’s sewing skills and theatre background. He could almost be mistaken for a daffodil.
Quite unintentionally, the "Funniest Joke Of The Fringe" announcement always makes the rest of the Fringe sound like the weakest, most dismal entertainment imaginable.
Absolutely *fascinated* to hear how the policies of a political party don’t align precisely with your wants and needs, and how angry you are that they’re not tailored specifically to you, 1/47,000,000th of the electorate, do go on.
Sterling work on the
#duvetknowitschristmas
front overnight! £33k worth of boundless generosity. Thanks to everyone ♥️
Hashtag highlights on my timeline, with a few more to come now. Link for donations is below!
I’ve lived in Braintree for about 6 months and this street name still hasn’t stopped delighting me. It’s just a shame I don’t live on it. (Although telling people the address over the phone might be something of a pain in the arse.)
I will be seeking examples of Xmas Sleeping Arrangements from around 9pm tomorrow — but please spare a thought for my other half
@HenrySusannah
who will be watching something on Netflix while I sit alongside her staring silently at my laptop for three hours.
My dad grows cucumbers, amongst other things. He grew waaay too many cucumbers, so he left a load out the front of the house with a "Take a cucumber" sign. My folks just found this thankyou note on their doormat, which has cheered me RIGHT UP.
I have to go to sleep, because of a baby boy that likes to wake up at 6am. Here he is dressed as a Christmas pudding, sorry Ivor.
Thank you so much for the pictures. Keep them coming! And do donate to Centrepoint if you can:
#duvetknowitschristmas
I dunno if there’s a name for these things that strap around cardboard boxes which you cut off with scissors and then try to coil up and put in the bin but they immediately spring back out of the bin like angry snakes, but I don’t like them.
I have just replaced a broken switch on a Beko DCU7230W tumble dryer by replacing the light & button frame assembly (cost, £5.99). It now works. For me, at the age of 52, this represents an astounding moment of personal development and I demand a medal or similar.
Santa has been, and left £30,000 at
@centrepointuk
HQ! Wow. Thanks to everyone who contributed to
#duvetknowitschristmas
- I’m just going to do a few more RTs of pix that came in overnight, before I get stuck into the Buck’s Fizz. Do please donate!
Christ almighty. Finally finished the final season of Schitt’s Creek, and spent the last forty minutes howling into a cushion. What a glorious, beautiful piece of work.
My great-great-great grandfather’s brother was a painter. Born 1812 in North Yorks. A couple of his paintings cropped up on eBay. A note on the back indicates that they’re of my great-great-great grandparents John & Sophia. Wedding portraits. My parents bought them. What a thing!