Youth Football Coaching Legend, Die-hard Georgia Fan, Three-Year High School Football Letterman, Showstopping Little League Umpire, Region Champion (3-way tie)
I am starting a
@catturd2
facts thread. This is where you can post things you suspect are true about Catturd
1. Catturd wears a tshirt in the pool
2: Catturd texts with his index finger
3. Catturd has never done a push-up
4. Catturd routinely misuses “reply all”
If Antonio Brown thinks he’s the first person to remove his shirt in the middle of work and quit in front of customers, he clearly doesn’t know about my Uncle Gary’s brief stint at Kmart in 1987
This map of Texas superimposed over Europe really drives home how small and insignificant Europe is compared to America. No wonder something like 97% of Scandinavians say they would prefer to live in the USA.
@pokimanelol
Doubt that. I have better things to do than sit around watching a British cartoon like Pokémon all day. I’m a 1%er who rakes in $35.03/hr plus bennies, a cell phone, and a company car (fully loaded 2011 Taurus)
Not sure any coach better reflected the fun and uniqueness that is college football than Mike Leach. This is a big loss for the sport. I’ll never tire of watching this clip:
@pokimanelol
I’m going to recommend you drop the sarcasm right now. I’m a youth football coaching legend, and I literally couldn’t turn a door handle this morning because I have so many championship rings. I’m guessing you turn door handles with ease.
We’ve had over 50 presidents, many of them great, but one president towers above all others.
Ben Franklin literally invented electricity, democracy, capitalism, currency, and freedom. If you won’t admit that, you hate America and liberty
Happy
#PresidentsDay
Sir. We miss you
I have spent the last hour shaking with rage and punching my phone screen. This is without question the most shameful moment in our country’s history. Time Person of the Year is supposed to be ONLY for Americans who pulled themselves up by the bootstraps and succeeded on their
@elonmusk
America literally invented free speech, and the First Amendment prohibits an advertiser from pulling ads. It is sad that people have clearly never read the Declaration of Independence
I have a huge announcement. I am officially declaring as a write-in candidate for president in 2024. I will be tweeting out my platform in the coming weeks and months.
America deserves a youth football coaching legend, not some random clown.
University of Arkansas police cutting down a pro Trump flag at the Ole Miss vs Arkansas baseball game last night. The problem in America right now. You don’t express what the media wants you to, you are silenced.
@ClayTravis
@CollinRugg
@R_Mendenhall
Sir I can assure you there’s nothing “average” about me. I’m a youth football coaching legend, and I needed assistance opening the door at Hardee’s this morning because I have so many championship rings that I’m unable to turn door handles
232 years ago today, the world said goodbye to a hero, a president, and the man who invented electricity, currency, and freedom. Thank you, President Franklin, for making America the oldest and greatest country on earth. We miss you.
Everything about this is textbook. He took the right pass rush angle to avoid the offensive line but not let the QB step up in the pocket. He waited until he was close to lower his shoulder and drive the QB into the ground.
10/10
@AOC
@elonmusk
Senator, if you aren’t getting notifications, that’s because people aren’t responding to your tweets. That’s a you problem. I’m a youth football coaching legend, and I always get notifications because people are inspired by my success. Maybe you should win a championship ring.
Today is Queen Elizabeth’s 96th birthday. That means that, during her reign, she’s had the privilege of watching America win two world wars, literally invent cars (thank you President Ford), and become the oldest and greatest country on earth. You’re welcome, your majesty.
Things I will abolish if elected president in 2020:
1. Libraries
2. Soy
3. Non-Violent Video Games
4. Academic Eligibility Requirements
5. The Fine Arts
6. Novels
7. Sprains and Ligament Tears (they’re a hoax)
8. History (focus on the present)
9. Soccer
10. Speed Bumps
The Europeans do not want to hear this, but on Sunday, almost ten times as many people will watch the Super Bowl as watched the World Cup (Glorified Jogging) Final
For those who missed it: Yesterday, an irate Canadian professor (Lord Maple Leaf) tried to challenge me. It did not end well for him. Please join me on this journey down memory lane. Trust me, this is well worth your time. (1/7)
Effective January 1st, my hourly wage is increasing from $35.03/hr to $35.19/hr AND I’m getting upgraded to a 2013 fully loaded Taurus with power steering and automatic transmission.
@KeithOlbermann
Kurt, I’m a youth football coaching legend who literally struggles to turn door handles because I have so many championship rings. I bet you open doors with ease and have never gotten a Gatorade bath in your life.
On this very day 317 years ago, a baby boy was born in the United States of America.
That baby would later grow up and literally invent electricity, freedom, currency, and democracy during his presidency.
Happy Birthday, President Franklin. We miss you.
@Jomboy_
As a showstopping Little League umpire, I’d have ejected both players on the spot. This type of anti-competitive attitude should never be tolerated in America. I once called a player out even though he was safe for saying hello to an opposing player.
@elonmusk
Soccer isn’t a real sport; it’s glorified jogging. College football is the most watched sport on the planet; over ten billion people watched Georgia defeat Tennessee two weeks ago
Congratulations to Argentina’s Lionel Richie on winning his first World Cup. While NFL and college football players remain much more popular intentionally than he does, we should let him have his moment in the sun.
@TexasFootball
This is utterly pathetic. I kick players off of my youth football team for even making the honor roll, because it means they aren’t focused on football.
TRIGGER WARNING FOR BRITISH AND FRENCH TWEETERS:
At this very hour in 1776, George Washington crossed the Delaware and forced the British and French to surrender at Yorktown. The very next day, Ben Franklin wrote the Declaration of Independence.
Simply stunning.
I have arrived in Albuquerque. I will be remaining here in Mexico and will not be returning to America until the Tyler Swift Chiefs lose.
I like South America so far. No trouble communicating and thankfully they didn’t require me to show a passport, which I do not have.
2024 years ago today, Jesus became the first American to enter the transfer portal. And he didn’t need an NIL deal to do it, because he played for the love of the game
Happy Easter
BREAKING: Class of 2024 Safety Dre Kirkpatrick Jr. tells me he has Committed to Alabama!
The 6’0 190 S from Gadsden, AL chose the Crimson Tide over Missouri, Auburn, & others
Is the son of former Alabama DB & 2012 NFL Draft 1st rounder Dre Kirkpatrick
@elonmusk
Elon, not to be “that guy,” but you are Twitter’s employee, and it is illegal for employees to buy the company they work for. You also can’t own it because it’s an American company and you are British. So as a youth football coaching legend, I recommend you delete this
@elonmusk
Respectfully disagree. Libraries are biggest threat to society. So few people understand than an hour in the weight room is more valuable than a lifetime in the classroom. That’s why, as a youth football coaching legend, I tell my players to drop out of school
@elonmusk
Elon, this kind of attitude is a great example of why you’ll never have a truly great invention like Gerald Ford did when he literally invented the car and is now our greatest living president. That’s why we’re the oldest and greatest country on earth
The average age of the signers of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776 was 44 years old, but more than a dozen were 35 or younger:
Thomas Jefferson: 33
John Hancock: 39
James Madison: 25
Alexander Hamilton: 21
James Monroe: 18
Aaron Burr: 20
Paul Revere: 41
George
@BrotherHQ
I am a big fan of what the Disney employee did. I’m a youth football coaching legend, and I once fired an assistant coach just for thinking about getting engaged. Relationships only interfere with excellence on the field, so I forbid them.
@elonmusk
The First Amendment protects everyone’s right to impersonate someone else. Free speech isn’t free - it came to us through the Declaration of Independence